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I’ve already told my wife that I don’t think our marriage has a future, due to the damage done by her rampant infidelity over the years. She had stopped the last time I caught her about 1 ½ years ago, and we made an attempt at marital counseling for a while. I was just getting used to not being the betrayed spouse anymore, and had gotten my depression under control & found gainful employment.

I also gained the clarity of mind to see that the marriage would not work, because my wife had broken my trust completely. Now she’s looking for an apartment of her own so we can separate.

However, last night after she fell asleep I noticed that she had dropped her phone in the garbage. So I picked it up to put it next to her. On the screen I saw there was a long text message thread. It was a conversation between her and a guy she was “really into”. I read it all and the whole thing was explicitly sexual. It also referenced a video chat they had, and included a plan to meet with the guy in person today (for the first time) in a secluded parking lot, and have sex in the car that we still co-own, while another guy, a former lover from her early cheating days watched remotely via video.

Am I wrong for saying that she should wait until she’s moved out of the house, and preferably until the divorce is final before indulging in behavior like this? I also said she needs to put the car in her name only and release me from all obligation to make payments on it, before using it to have sex with strangers. She said she thought I wouldn’t care because I had already told her that our marriage is over. Maybe I shouldn’t care. But why does this revelation bother me so much that I feel myself spiraling into a depression again?

[This message edited by BrokenDad at 11:30 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

The finality, and repercussions, of divorce are sort of overwhelming, to me anyway. Divorce impacts every aspect of your life. It also affects a lot of people. It causes a bunch of fears and insecurities to surface too. There are tons of conflicting emotions and it's hard to understand why your partner doesn't "see" all of this stuff. On some level, it's hard to see someone you loved very much be so self destructive. The whole thing is complicated.

I understand.

No contact helps. Read about the 180. Follow through with the divorce and try to expedite the whole process. Cut yourself some slack and know that things will get better if you remove yourself from a truly shitty situation.

Am I wrong for saying

Uhm, NO you are NOT wrong.

WOW.

There is a thing that is called human decency. I know as BS we have been on the bottom of the rung of this most of the time. But this is blatant and horrible behavior and something that you should NEVER accept.

I know it is very hard but your WW needs help. Not that it is yours to fix at all. But she is clearly spiraling. Perhaps reach out to her family or friends to intervene.

Head up and keep doing what you are doing.

(((hugs)))

No not wrong man!.Separate the car to her responsibility..In house sucks..Hang in there it gets better

Thanks so much to all the supportive comments!

I had thought my request was reasonable. Times when I’ve confronted my wife, I often feel like I’ve gone crazy, and as the BS, I have to justify why I object to her behavior. It’s good to hear some voices of reason to reassure me that I haven’t gone crazy.

This time my wife said she’s been partially in denial up until now about what her sexual fantasies really are. And it’s no wonder I could never satisfy her. I would have had to have been into some extreme dominant/submissive role playing. I don’t think these fantasies are immoral. I just wish she would have let me know years ago that I was no longer satisfying her, and gone through the separation & divorce process BEFORE indulging in these fantasies with numerous other partners.

There’s also a recklessness about the way she finds sexual partners, which I think could put her in danger. It seems to be more than just about personal preferences and fantasies. Meeting guys online to talk only about rough sex with no commitment, and arranging to meet in semi public yet secluded locations for the thrill of the risk of getting caught, does seem a bit self-destructive.

Today I pressured my wife into not carrying through with the plan of meeting her newest cyber lover in person. I couldn’t believe how reluctant she was to agree to my request. Then I told her if she does go through with it, then don’t bother coming back home. She actually agreed to stay at her mother’s home until she can find her own apartment. I think she might have been worried that if she didn’t ask her mother herself, then I would ask for her, and explain to her mother exactly why she needs to move out ASAP.

BrokenDad, just remember that you never failed her sexually. You aren't a mind reader and you can't meet needs that aren't expressed. This is all down to her unhealthy relationship with her own sexuality and her failure to communicate. It's not your fault that she had the idiotic notion that she had to play the part of the pure maiden instead of just telling you what she was into and exploring it with you.

Hey, BrokenDad. My STBXWW met her new "true love" (not the AP, new guy) and starting spending entire weekends away with him before I even found a place to rent. This was about 6 months after D-day, a few weeks after the decision to separate. He stayed in our house without my knowledge while I was away on a trip. She ditched her family during the Christmas holidays to stay with him and lied about where she was to all of us.

Before this, I knew the marriage was over, but had vague visions of us having a cooling off period and then working towards friendly coparenting in spite of her 4 year LTA.

After this, I felt so disrespected and disgusted with her I can barely make eye contact. I do not let her past the front entrance of my place. I am as close to zero contact as I can go while still trying to negotiate a separation agreement. And I will never, ever forget how she disrespected me in this way. Truly, it enrages me more than the A. I will always consider it a second A.

In the past two months I have also had mutual friends emerge to tell me that they are disgusted with this specific behaviour. Her own sister condemned it. People have ghosted her entirely over this, who hadn't done so over the affair.

And the feeling of being discarded this way, the feeling that I shared a decade with someone this disordered who could not keep her pants on for the few weeks it took me to move out - it definitely kills my self esteem and drives me to some very low places.

So, no, you aren't overreacting. Hope that helps.

Unspecified, thanks for your helpful comment. I'm sorry you had to go through this horrific-sounding experience. Your pre-separation period sounds worse than mine has been, so far. This sort of deceptive behavior goes against human decency. I also have that feeling of being discarded, rejected and disrespected to my bones. Despite all the infidelity over the years, when I finally said our marriage wasn't going to work, I still said it was important to me that we have an amicable separation, at least for the sake of the kids. She agreed to that. Now I feel slapped in the face all over again, and I'm prepared for an acrimonious separation, which I don't look forward to.

Make sure you tell her parents why your getting D, tell them she gets into some dangerous situations and that you don't want to have your children exposed to any of those dangers, she could be meeting sexual predators online too. It's not your job to hide her A's.

You already have an attorney right?

I still said it was important to me that we have an amicable separation, at least for the sake of the kids. She agreed to that. Now I feel slapped in the face all over again, and I'm prepared for an acrimonious separation, which I don't look forward to.

She took the relationship you had remaining, hanging as it were by a thread, and nuked it for some kicks.

Now, if your partner is reading from the same playbook as mine, she will wonder whyyyyy-ooohh-whhyyyy aren't you capable of building that amicable relationship now? When will you get over your ego? Why can't you be an adult?

Take the time to write down the reasons you feel disrespected. They are valid, and you might need to remind yourself of that from time to time.

Thanks again for the words of support.

My wife is planning to move out of the house tonight, and stay with her mother until she can find an apartment. I'll believe it once it happens.

I found new text messages on her phone last night with new guys, all explicit content, including nude photos of each other. She's done plenty of this before, but this time she's specifically reaching out to guys in the local area, whom she could potentially meet in person without much effort.

When I confront her, she explains that it's an unhealthy obsession that she can't stop, and that she needs help. I told her to schedule an IC session now, and to my surprise she did.

Her mother understands basically what's been happening, and is of course concerned, because this behavior is high-risk and self-destructive, as well as cruel to me. I'll have to speak to her mother to make sure she knows the extent of the problem. Otherwise my wife will downplay the severity.

After much procrastinating, I finally contacted a divorce attorney to have a consultation.

Taking proactive steps of any kind seems to require more of an effort than ever before. It's much easier to withdraw from the world, and let the negative thoughts run around in circles in my brain. But I know I have to stay on top of things. I can't stand the idea of losing custody of our daughter, which means I have to remain functional.

Such a tragic situation.

Please document this and keep evidence, screen shots contact info, whatever you can. This woman cannot have custody. You need to get yourself and daughter away from her. Eventually she will be meeting these men at her home and they will come in contact with your daughter.

I believe the standard arrangement now is joint custody with each parent housing the kid(s) 50% of the time.

Gently, I think your expectations are mixed up, especially with a bi-polar partner.

You cannot control another adult. (You can barely control children. ) The most you can do is ask for what you want and decide how to respond if the other person refuses your request.

What a person 'should' do generally doesn't matter.

What treatment is your W getting for her BPD?

My wife has finally moved out. She's staying with her mother for now. She'll be back periodically to move more of her stuff out, but she's done living here. For good. I spent my first night without her here last night.

I'm still sad, but no more sad than I was before. I also feel some relief.

Over the last 2 days, I think the finality of the situation seemed to have hit her, and she changed her tone. I saw none of her combative or defensive attitude, and she even sounded sad and remorseful. She said I took her by surprise when I insisted on her leaving. I didn't do it out of spite or vindictiveness. I just reached a breaking point, couldn't stand being miserable anymore, and I figure she's facing the real consequences of her actions.

I'm still VERY concerned about her taking custody of our daughter. She has a serious obsession for engaging in impulsive, reckless behavior, and it seems inevitable that she'll invite some strangers into her apartment when she has one, which would create a very unsafe environment for our daughter.

I really wish I would have taken some screenshots of her recent text chats. I guess I was too devastated at the time to think of it. (wow, I'm really kicking myself for that)

However, after the first DDay in 2012, I was able to save numerous explicit transcripts of her text conversations, with numerous men. I'm hopeful that this evidence would still count for something, even though it isn't recent.

Having admitted that she has a problem she needs help with, I don't know how insistent she'll be about the custody issue. But I've decided not to bring up the custody before I get some legal advice.

Here's a question that occurred to me:

Under what circumstances is it better to seek a divorce lawyer vs. a divorce mediator?

Thanks again for all the support and sound advice. I need voices of reason!

Divorce laws vary wildly by state. I was counseled to skip the mediated D settlement because of child custody laws in my state. Custody in my state required going to court. I would ask an attorney or two and listen to their advice.

I would ask an attorney or two and listen to their advice.

Thanks, this makes sense. One reason I wonder is because the legal consultation is expensive, although it's a cost I'm willing to pay to arm myself with knowledge. I'm just afraid of a long, costly legal battle.

I'll bring the question to the attorney about whether it's advisable to seek a mediator in this situation before engaging a lawyer.

That is to say, it will be one of the many questions I'll have.

Thanks again.

I've found that recovering from infidelity can be a VERY slow process. It's been over 3 months since my WW moved out and we separated. I felt relief when it happened, and it's taken a major stressor away. The burden of being stuck in a dysfunctional marriage has been lifted.

However, I still don't feel like getting out of bed each day. I still don't feel like the person I was before the first D Day, in 2012. Before the discovery, I was ambitious and motivated in my career, I was more fully engaged with issues relating to my kids, and I had interests that I no longer have.

I know I'll never be the same person I used to be, but I'd like to regain some of the motivation and interests I once had. For so long, I've felt demotivated, full of anxiety, and unable to get much enjoyment out of life. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I avoid leaving the home when I don't have to, even to run short errands. Each day I just go through the motions, and it takes enormous effort to do the most basic things, like getting up and going to work.

And sadly, there are times when I get stuck thinking about the broken marriage, and my STBXW's rampant infidelity and betrayal. I feel angry and bitter that I spent so many years dedicated to someone who treated our marriage like it was worthless, and didn't respect me. I ask myself 'how did I become such a contemptible human being that she concluded that I didn't matter at all?' and 'why didn't I deserve even simple honesty?' I don't want to become an angry and bitter person, but these negative thoughts are inescapable.

I'm getting individual counseling, and I'm medicated for my anxiety disorder. I know things could be worse. I also know that recovering can take a very long time, and I keep this in mind as a reminder that there may be some light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't see the way forward very clearly. So the best I can do is to take things one day at a time at this point.

BrokenDad wrote >>>>So the best I can do is to take things one day at a time at this point.<<<<

No doubt that is the truth. You have been through a lot. What you have been through and are now going through is enormous. It is difficult to imagine more stressful life events. To me (at least), it is no surprise that you would find yourself severely depressed and struggling with anxiety. Ruminating about your wife and your marriage, having difficulty with work and motivation, isolating and becoming antisocial, feeling angry and worthless - these are all par for the course.

It is true that recovery can take much longer than anyone would like. You say that you can't see the way forward very clearly. That may also be true but based on your posts you see where you are and where you have come from very clearly. Also, you write very well. You are able to articulate what has been happening to you very clearly. For someone who has been through so much and who is still in the thick of it, you seem to have a great deal of insight.

I know I'll never be the same person I used to be, but I'd like to regain some of the motivation and interests I once had. For so long, I've felt demotivated, full of anxiety, and unable to get much enjoyment out of life. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I avoid leaving the home when I don't have to, even to run short errands. Each day I just go through the motions, and it takes enormous effort to do the most basic things, like getting up and going to work.

I can relate to this and I'm 7 years out from this mess. I'm not sure why healing takes so long. I do feel irreparably broken from this experience but I haven't lost my fight. There are some things that were so carefree about myself prior to this that I no longer have. Your words really resonated. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. It is an awful trauma to go through