Hi, McClintock!
I'm not going to minimize what happened, or tell you to just get over it, or that you shouldn't feel surprised (shocked) and traumatized over it. I am all of those things (and some) over Husband's relatively minor, single incident from years ago. (More details came to light several months ago, caught me totally flatfooted, hence I am here.)
I do want to comfort you and offer you reassurance and words of encouragement.
Your wife came to you of her own accord, and fully confessed. A little reading here will show you how unusual this is.
She didn't minimize, she didn't "trickle truth," she took responsibility, she went No Contact with the affair partner, she gave you access to all of her social media and devices, she is genuinely remorseful.
It looks from here like she's doing everything she's supposed to do, and everything she can do.
No one can unring a bell but anyone, everyone can work hard to create a healthy context around any incident, good, bad or otherwise.
It's going to take a bit of time for both of you to heal and for trust to return- that's normal.
In the meantime, find a positive context to build around this thing.
It sounds like you have empathy for your wife's needs and emotional state, and she has empathy for your damage. Empathy is huge. Due to some specific circumstances about Husband's indiscretion (it was a uniquely male type of screw up) I have been struggling with empathy for him and what he did (even though, per above, it was relatively minor.) If you have mutual empathy, build on that.
I have found that gratitude has come more easily to me than empathy. I am grateful that Husband's indiscretion was a "one and done." He never wants to revisit that guilt and shame again. It's been many, many years since and there have been no other incidents. Again, a brief surf of SI reveals that spouses struggle with repeat and serial waywards quite often, rather than spouses who self-correct and never do this again. Your wife is showing every sign of being a one and done. Until given a reason otherwise (and I'd bet at this point that you won't be given a reason) try concentrating on gratitude instead of paranoia.
Dude, if somebody, anybody, is gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. Just like you didn't cause it, you can't stop it if they are gonna do it. I'd say your wife is like my husband: horrified at herself and her own actions, very unlikely to do it again. Letting paranoia take over, especially in view of all of the positive changes your wife has voluntarily made, is a waste of the precious days of your life and the time you and your wife have together on this earth.
It's really OK not to be paranoid! :)
Enjoy the sex. :)
See this thing, instead of a "flaw" or a "weak point," as a needed and just in time wake up call and opportunity to right the ship and tend to the things in your marriage and in your life that needed attention. I'd call this a cloud with a silver lining. :)
JMHO, YMMV, but I see every reason for you to enjoy your life and your wife and to stop obsessing about an unfortunate incident. It appears that the underlying issues are being addressed successfully. Keep up the good work!
Pat yourself and your wife on the back and have a nice evening. <3
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 11:09 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]