SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

mclintock41 posted 2/23/2019 18:29 PM

My wife sat down with me about 2 months ago and admitted that she was having an online affair through facebook with a guy that she used to know in school. We have been married ten years and have 2 children. she showed me every message between them and was very apologetic and worried that she had ruined our relationship. From reading all the messages I can see that he was very persistent and at first she told him she was married and did not want to discuss the things he did. He continuously sent her messages and eventually she gave in and the "affair" began. It lasted about 2 weeks and included messages that are very graphic. I would call it cyber sex. She admitted to masturbating during this. He was constantly asking for her to send him pics and she refused to all except once sending him a pic of one of her breasts exposed. He also constantly asked for her address and if he could come over. She always refused and they never met in person.

She says she did it cause she was lonely and it made her feel good getting the attention from him. To be honest I was addicted to gaming the last couple years and would come home and get on the game till I went to bed every day after work. She is a stay at home wife and says she felt neglected and lonely. I actually understand this completely and easily see now what I was doing was wrong and neglectful and have not played a video game since. We are now spending much more time together and our marriage and sex life to be honest has never been better.

The bad thing is I cannot stop thinking about it and am constantly paranoid while I am at work. She gave me all the passwords to all her accounts and social media profiles and said she wanted me to check them as much as I wanted but to be honest I haven't once. I really dont want to be a person constantly checking her messages and spying on her. I don't want that to be our relationship. I want to trust her completely.

I believe she is truly sorry and she apologizes constantly even 2 months later and says she is having anxiety cause she feels like she is a terrible person and almost ruined our marriage. I just cant get the paranoia out of my mind constantly worrying.

pearlamici posted 2/23/2019 19:50 PM

Hello McClintock - sorry you find yourself here but I have to say your wife truly sounds remorseful. You would be clueless were it not for her confessing. When a spouse is not remorseful, they tend to minimize and tell you to just move on and get over it. First though, don't accept any blame for her behavior (you were not as attentive as you should have been = not a good excuse for being intimate with another man). I would let her know though the feelings you have (worry/fear), let her know the damage this has done. I'm glad your marriage seems to have improved - but she needs to speak up next time she feels "neglected" and find a healthy way to communicate with her husband.

Marz posted 2/23/2019 20:08 PM

You would be wise to inform other mans wife. He'll be back at some point.

oldtruck posted 2/23/2019 20:39 PM

Must tell the OMW.

survrus posted 2/23/2019 21:21 PM

Save all the evidence off in a safe location first then present it as a complete package to the OMW.

Most importantly do not disclose you are going to do this to your WW or the OM, DO NOT warn or threaten.

mclintock41 posted 2/23/2019 22:03 PM

The other man does not have a wife. I would not even know how to find him at this point. My wife sent him a very stern message before confessing to me that what they where doing was wrong and for him to never contact her again then she blocked him on Facebook. He was a friend of ours back in high school and just messaged her randomly after seeing her on facebook. He talked to her for about a week just as a normal friend would then started slowly turning the conversations more and more sexually related until thats what it turned into. as far as her blaming my game addiction for her actions goes I'm not sure of. She when we talk about it she always says she knows it isn't an excuse and her actions where wrong regardless of my game addiction.

i honestly believe she feels terrible and is hurting over this as much as I am. I have woken up several nights to find her crying in the bathroom. She says she feels so terrible and can't believe what she did. I'm just having such a hard time getting my mind to trust her and not be paranoid constantly.

[This message edited by mclintock41 at 10:04 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

marriageredux959 posted 2/23/2019 22:38 PM

Hi, McClintock!

I'm not going to minimize what happened, or tell you to just get over it, or that you shouldn't feel surprised (shocked) and traumatized over it. I am all of those things (and some) over Husband's relatively minor, single incident from years ago. (More details came to light several months ago, caught me totally flatfooted, hence I am here.)

I do want to comfort you and offer you reassurance and words of encouragement.

Your wife came to you of her own accord, and fully confessed. A little reading here will show you how unusual this is.

She didn't minimize, she didn't "trickle truth," she took responsibility, she went No Contact with the affair partner, she gave you access to all of her social media and devices, she is genuinely remorseful.

It looks from here like she's doing everything she's supposed to do, and everything she can do.

No one can unring a bell but anyone, everyone can work hard to create a healthy context around any incident, good, bad or otherwise.

It's going to take a bit of time for both of you to heal and for trust to return- that's normal.

In the meantime, find a positive context to build around this thing.

It sounds like you have empathy for your wife's needs and emotional state, and she has empathy for your damage. Empathy is huge. Due to some specific circumstances about Husband's indiscretion (it was a uniquely male type of screw up) I have been struggling with empathy for him and what he did (even though, per above, it was relatively minor.) If you have mutual empathy, build on that.

I have found that gratitude has come more easily to me than empathy. I am grateful that Husband's indiscretion was a "one and done." He never wants to revisit that guilt and shame again. It's been many, many years since and there have been no other incidents. Again, a brief surf of SI reveals that spouses struggle with repeat and serial waywards quite often, rather than spouses who self-correct and never do this again. Your wife is showing every sign of being a one and done. Until given a reason otherwise (and I'd bet at this point that you won't be given a reason) try concentrating on gratitude instead of paranoia.

Dude, if somebody, anybody, is gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. Just like you didn't cause it, you can't stop it if they are gonna do it. I'd say your wife is like my husband: horrified at herself and her own actions, very unlikely to do it again. Letting paranoia take over, especially in view of all of the positive changes your wife has voluntarily made, is a waste of the precious days of your life and the time you and your wife have together on this earth.

It's really OK not to be paranoid! :)

Enjoy the sex. :)

See this thing, instead of a "flaw" or a "weak point," as a needed and just in time wake up call and opportunity to right the ship and tend to the things in your marriage and in your life that needed attention. I'd call this a cloud with a silver lining. :)

JMHO, YMMV, but I see every reason for you to enjoy your life and your wife and to stop obsessing about an unfortunate incident. It appears that the underlying issues are being addressed successfully. Keep up the good work!

Pat yourself and your wife on the back and have a nice evening. <3

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 11:09 PM, February 23rd (Saturday)]

mclintock41 posted 2/24/2019 19:22 PM

Thank you...I really appreciate the support.

Rustylife posted 2/25/2019 04:06 AM

So she decided to jeopardize her marriage and the future of her kids just because you were gaming too much Why couldn't she come and talk to you about this? And for what? To gobble up cheap compliments from a desperate horndog from the internet. This guy was a total rando right? These are questions you should ask. Her default response when things aren't going well is to build up this resentment and internalize her pain rather than communicate honestly which is what a marriage is all about. She should get into therapy and needs to work on appropriate boundaries before blowing up the marriage in this fashion. There will always be these desperate losers on the internet trying to 'game' any woman they fancy. To say that 'he was persistent' is a very sorry excuse.

Buster123 posted 2/25/2019 08:52 AM

She needs to go to IC to find out her "whys", keep in mind if the OM had been in close proximity, most likely they would have met and have sex and the A would have escalated from there, press her on this, if not addressed, next time the OM could be in your city or your own neighborhood.

Ponus18 posted 2/25/2019 09:18 AM

I agree that there are some good facts here in a bad situation, as others have pointed out, but at the same time I feel like this is starting to look like a dangerous case of rug sweeping. You both need to get to the bottom of things and rebuild trust and your relationship, and simply having her continually apologize while while you seem to take some blame (unnecessarily) for her violation of your vows sounds like a recipe for future problems.

Standard advice around here is for you both to be in IC and eventually coming together for MC.

I don't think anyone would disagree based on what you've described that R is a good possibility, but I really urge you not to take this lightly and to seek professional guidance for the two of you. Best of luck.

The1stWife posted 2/25/2019 14:17 PM

She realized her mistake. She owned up to it. She stopped the interaction and cheating.

Good lord people on here are relentless. She made a mistake and realized it and took appropriate action. She is remorseful and openly admits her poor choices.

These all point to the path of reconciliation and that you should be able to recover from this. Both of you.

Marriage counseling can help
Individual counseling can help

My H and I reconciled from the brink of Divorce. He has changed. On paper he was not a good candidate for reconciliation. BUT his actions over the last 5 years are representative of the fact that he has changed and is deeply remorseful for his Affair.

I see an opportunity here for your marriage to a happy one.

Your wife appears genuine. She deserves the chance to make amends and appears to be doing so.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/25/2019 14:59 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation M41.

You have every right to be untrusting. She broke your trust and her vow to be yours only. Another man has at least one naked picture of her. She was discussing things with him that were supposed to be reserved for you and masturbating while visualizing him. She was enjoying the attention of another man. She was complying with his requests and accepting his advances to the point that he was asking to come to your house so he could have sex with her. If nothing physical happened, her interactions with him were to the point that it could have been physical in the time it took him to drive over.

Don't promise her anything. Don't tell her that you want to work it out. Don't tell her that you won't divorce her. Don't make any promises or decisions about your future together until you've had enough time that your pain subsides; this usually takes a while. Don't think that you need to forgive her. Wait until you're heart and head are ready; don't rush it. It's important to take your time and allow your head to wrap around what's happened and allow your heart to heal a little. Hold all future plans until you're absolutely sure that you want to continue with your marriage. In the mean-time, read the threads in the Healing Library. Read about how to heal from an affair. Read about what real remorse looks like. Educate yourself on what you're dealing with; knowledge speeds healing.

I'm not recommending divorce or reconciliation. I'm recommending you wait on any decisions until you heal. As your healing process progresses, the direction that's best for you will become clearer. Take care of you and everything else will fall into place. I wish the best for you.

Dragonfly123 posted 2/25/2019 15:00 PM

Mclintock I suggest your wife and you read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass, just to start to unpick some of the things that led to this. It sounds as though you have a remorseful, empathic spouse. This is highly unusual. You have strong foundations for building a happier relationship but you do both need to do some work, good luck.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:02 PM, February 25th (Monday)]

Jduff posted 2/25/2019 15:13 PM

Good lord people on here are relentless. She made a mistake and realized it and took appropriate action. She is remorseful and openly admits her poor choices.

WTF?????
The1stWife, I don't know what poster above you are directing that to as no one appears to be telling mclintock41 to burn his WW at the stake. This is kind of like bringing a firehose to a discussion where no one has brought flame.

The bad thing is I cannot stop thinking about it and am constantly paranoid while I am at work. She gave me all the passwords to all her accounts and social media profiles and said she wanted me to check them as much as I wanted but to be honest I haven't once. I really dont want to be a person constantly checking her messages and spying on her. I don't want that to be our relationship. I want to trust her completely.

mclintock41, what you are feeling is normal. After all, your wife USED to be a safe person to you until she told about her affair. I was a paranoid mess in my situation for much longer than two months. You are not expected to get over it. What you do need is IC. No doubt, your WW did the right thing by coming to you first about her A before you found out otherwise. She needs IC to work through why she did this instead of coming to you first to discuss her concerns about your lack of attention towards her. The gaming has nothing to do with it, as would excessive gardening, tinkering with the car, hunting, fishing, book club meetings, forgetting to put the toilet seat down, etc. These are all "rationalizations" to cheat and not the real reason she chose to cheat. My advise? Go forward with eyes wide open and communicate, communicate, communicate. Put everything on the table to examine. Dragonfly123 suggested an excellent book "Not Just Friends". You both should definitely read it together.

manofintegrity posted 2/25/2019 15:31 PM

First off, if it was me...I would go into her FB page, unblock him. Do some investigating on his page. Find out what he’s been up to since high school, other than being a player and preying on vulnerable women that are up for grabs. Find out who his ex wife was, his family, his coworkers and his regular friends, his gamers. Friend request them all. Ask questions when needed.

Find out where he works (if he does). Find out his phone number in case you ever see it or need to say “hello” to him. Find out his address, google works nicely on this. Google may also link his phone number to a website, business, church (like my POSOM preacher), etc. Find out what he drives. Take pics, just in case you see him parked near your house or wife. Find out what his other hobbies are...gym, golf, hunting or fishing?

Once I was finished collecting data, like I did in my case, then it is time to OUT him to everyone in his community and on FB. I’d start by sitting on the street after work to see if his girlfriend or wife comes home. You do realize AP’s will protect each other and many times do not tell their relationship status truthfully. Remember, cheaters lie.

If he does not suffer some consequences, he will continue preying on more married women. And yes as many mentioned above, your WW needs to figure out why she chose not to talk to you when her needs were not being met. Just because your WW confessed to you does not mean that is all that happened. Can you verify through phone records that the number of texts match what you saw on her phone. Check her phone for WhatsApp and Snspchat. Gamers can hide an EA on those games too. Good luck whatever you decide, but keep your radar on for life.

Happenedtome2 posted 2/25/2019 16:25 PM

Hi MC41. Sorry to see you here.

My wife also had a cyber affair. I caught it after about 2 months but the damage was done and it was very graphic.

You are getting good advice here. What I will add is that first and foremost you are not to blame. If there was an issue WITHIN your marriage then you are part of that but the affair was her decision. I am about 6 months out from d day and slowly starting to reconcile. The paranoia is normal. I will say that you may not have been told everything but it is entirely up to you if you wish to pursue further information. If you are comfortable moving forward with what you know then don't feel like you are doing anything wrong.

If you DO get the urge to check her phone and whatnot, then do so and don't feel bad about it. She has lost her right to that type of privacy for as long as it takes you to recover. My urge to check on her has subsided a lot (she never actually hid anything but assumed I'd never check her phone).

The fact that your wife came clean on her own says a lot but I would absolutely want to know what was in her NC message to POSOM. Make sure there wasn't any kind of wishy washy goodbye. As was also stated above, he'll likely try to reach out to her regardless of what she said to him.

I hope you keep posting and hope we all can help with your recovery.

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 7:41 PM, February 25th (Monday)]

TimSC posted 2/26/2019 11:25 AM

Don't be so set on not checking up on her coms and FB.

It could help your paranoia to know for sure that she is done with that guy.