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What signs did you notice something was going on?

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Foolmeonce120 posted 2/20/2019 16:05 PM

He became detached


Hiding phone, taking it to the bathroom, never leaving it unattended, and closing it out if I got too close to him.

Extremely horny and more adventurous in bed.

Staying up later (to chat with her while I’m in bed)

Going out drinking with the guys A LOT.

SaddestDad posted 2/20/2019 16:06 PM

How was the extreme horniness and bedventurous a sign?

The1stWife posted 2/20/2019 16:08 PM

Not one sign until the night of Dday1.

No missing $, not late, not mean or argumentative- nothing.

That night he was late but that wasn’t unusual.

But I had a suspicion of something and asked him what was going on and he told me that he had just started having an A about a month prior.

He admitted it. That is how I knew.

WilliamM posted 2/20/2019 16:24 PM

My wife always came home on time, always answered her phone, always let me know where she was going and who she was seeing. I had no issue with her having male friends. I had female friends and never crossed that line. With her family history and living in a house with her father who had multiple affairs, and the sadness and pain she saw and felt first hand, I thought I had no worries. I was so naive, dumb, and trusting. The sad part was she was honest with me about where she was going. She hid what she was doing. I trusted her. She would tell me, "I am going to see "POS AP1 and I will be home in about an hour or two." I would say "Ok. See you later." I did not know that she was having an affair with these guys. All of that ended on D-Day. My naivety and trust was swept away. She asked me to look up something in her email. Once I was in there, I got curious and found way more than I expected.

twisted posted 2/20/2019 16:43 PM

A new phone showed up. She said it was a loaner. "From who?"
The same guy at work I was suspicious about about a year earlier. He had sent an inappropriate email to her.

I started getting nosey. Turns out the the phone thing was legit! But I uncovered a helluva lot more than I ever expected.

Foolmeonce120 posted 2/20/2019 16:45 PM

@saddestdad I didn’t realize it was a sign at first until he told me that’s how he was feeling during the A.

I did some research and it is actually common.

IJusthurt2017 posted 2/20/2019 19:40 PM

Other than all of a sudden never putting his phone down, I had no idea. I got curious when he never put down the phone, even sleeping with it. He wasn't on it hardly at all but never sat it down.

Marie2792 posted 2/20/2019 20:15 PM

Scratches on his back he claimed were from building furniture in hotel rooms he was setting up.

Finding a reason to hang with the boys on a Sunday night after we’d been in the beach all day.

We were out of town one weekend for my brothers wedding and I got very sick very quickly and didn’t want to drive home. He insisted we couldn’t sleep at my mothers (it was a Saturday night) because he had to be at work. I was violently illl and he showed little concern.

nervousnelly posted 2/20/2019 20:18 PM

Getting overly upset/frustrated at me for small things.
Being distant.
Not interested in my day.
Took phone with him everywhere.
Constantly texting when it had been light before.
When I would call him while he was traveling he would text me back some reason for not picking up the phone and then we would have a text convo instead.

It was more the anger/frustration with me about small things - sometimes out of the blue - that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

That is when I pulled the phone records and it showed thousands of texts and hours of phone calls a month for as far as I could go back at the time.

self-rescuer posted 2/20/2019 20:46 PM

When we spoke on the phone in the evenings because he was "working" late, he would not tell me that he loved me. For 25 years of marriage, without fail, we said we loved each other before hanging up the phone.

It was the first sign. Even all these years later, this memory still packs a little punch.

Bbygrl1079 posted 2/20/2019 21:00 PM

Phone records show abnormal amounts of texts and phone calls to her number.
Phone on lockdown. We're talking iris scan, pin, and the lock where you trace a shape.
Always behind closed doors.
They were always "just hanging out"
Found notes to her.
She gave him money and cigarettes.
He wouldn't let me clean the hell hole he called a man cave.
Lap top on lockdown.
Always changing passwords.
Picked a fight with me Christmas and left.
Unreachable on New year's
Emails to her.
Found a pic in an old phone of him in her bedroom with her just in a t shirt.
Selfies together that where they stood just a little too close
The list goes on and on

keptmyword posted 2/20/2019 21:42 PM

She very quickly became an intolerable asshole who inexplicably started treating me with nothing but contempt and anger.

From when that began until the divorce was final was the worst period of my life.

No one has treated me worse before that time or since that time.

WhoIsHe posted 2/20/2019 23:03 PM

VERY secretive with his phone
Would go “missing” for 45 minutes or go somewhere and take him 10x as long as it should.
He was not affectionate
He would not initiate sex
He would pick fights
Things just didn’t add up
He was irritable. Unreasonable. Selfish.
I just felt like we weren’t connected anymore.
I felt lonely inside
He really didn’t care about my feelings. Was dismissive of them.
He wouldn’t text back right away or call back. Again, “missing”.
Catch him lying about random things

I’m sure there were more. It’s been a few years.

Unbroken78 posted 2/20/2019 23:12 PM

She has logged out of everything that you can possibly logged out on, deleted the browser history, and now only browses in Private mode with no passwords saved...ever.

She deletes all e-mail including sent items and empties deleted items after deleting anything.

She lies about basic things "I don't even remember the last time I was on Fbook"...she was on it that day.

She added two factor authentication to all of her logins and even a random number generator to Fbook...I didn't even know that was a thing.

She then joked about it and how she was doing it "to be safe".

She secretly tries to record me with her phone...and is bad at hiding it "I'm just setting my alarm for tomorrow"...and then launches into a fight, attacking me, saying I threatened her loudly for the world to hear (I didn't) and telling me I am forcing her to have sex (I have no idea what she is talking about) and how I've abused her for years (she believes calling her lies lies is abusive to her mental state). It is like a bad B movie type of dialog as she tries to get me to say something on tape she could use against me "I know you want to murder me in my sleep and I know you like to force me to have sex with you when I don't want to..." It is pathetic how obvious this is...and how she is trying to get me to agree on tape.

I actually confronted her on this and she said "I recorded you to play it back to you so you could hear how bad you treat me"...

Except she never told me voluntarily that she was recording it.

She recorded us having sex....without my knowledge or permission.

So....there is that...

Plus the total lack of affection, denial of any kind of human contact, secrecy, odd behavior...and so on.

Loveforlife posted 2/21/2019 00:21 AM

Very distant
Angry all the time
No patience whatsoever with me
Cruel and hurtful to me
No interest whatsoever in sex for a long time
Completely disengaged as a husband
Obsession with phone and iPad
No affection at all, not even a hug or a kiss.
No interest in me as a person .... not even a ‘how was your day?’
I asked him one night when we were ready to go out somewhere special, how do I look? The response was ‘ok’.
I wanted him to say ..... you look beautiful, my darling. I felt so sad at the time.....worthless. I didn’t know what was going on at the time. I just felt like he didn’t want me, wasn’t attracted to me.

Compared to her and the others he was carrying on with .... well, I couldn’t possibly compete with that.

Alarm bells rang, big alarm bells, I went searching. Even though I went searching, it never even entered my mind that I would actually find anything. We were childhood sweethearts, married a VERY long time. It was weird that I even went looking because I would never have believed he was doing what he was, if someone told me.

The thing that finally pushed me ..... after everything that was going on, he left the house one morning to go to work and didn’t even say goodbye to me, he just left. Just like that!

A gut instinct said ..... go and look.

The evidence was there, all there ..... DD , the end of my world as I knew it.

We are now in R, it’s going well but it’s going to be a long, LONG time before I feel normal again .... maybe I never will. The damage caused is profound. Trust is gone. Self confidence and self esteem .....shot to pieces.

[This message edited by Loveforlife at 12:25 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]

GoldenR posted 2/21/2019 01:29 AM

She never wanted to do ANYTHING with us as a family. She always had her own thing to do (banging her OM) on the days we were supposed to do stuff with all of us.

Foolmeonce120 posted 2/21/2019 05:24 AM

Oh I forgot one.

We call each other pet names (for 20yrs) and he started calling me by my given name.

Foolmeonce120 posted 2/21/2019 05:25 AM

Now that I look back it all seems so obvious. How could I be so foolish.

benomania posted 2/21/2019 06:49 AM

Not reciprocating love / I love you's etc..
assaulted me while sleeping / said nightmares
hiding phone
taking phone everywhere
protecting phone from me
Taking phone to bed to play "candy crush"
Refused to deleted Instagram after discovery
Ridiculed me on several occasion while I was sick
rejected gifts I gave her
Making sudden stops along road to and from work
Taking lunch rides for gas and stopping god knows where along the way
Accused ME of harassing 2 of the 4 possible AP
Wearing sexy underwear to places after work
Hanging out with well known adulterous friends
Possibly "dating" neighborg
Ushered me out the house whenever she had something planned. AT the time I though Oh yes! we got to go to XYZ place (say Church). She was SO eager for me to leave while she stayed home "cooking"
That look on her face after Dday
Depression on her part after Dday
More worried about her Rep along her circle of friends that anything else.

Almost 2 years now and things are better. Stay for the kids and lack of proof.
She's on a short leash
We are on thin ice
1 more indiscretion and I'm out
fuck this

benomania posted 2/21/2019 07:13 AM

Forgot the following
Told her going to get you xmass present at X place. Her face goes pale.
I had saved several mystery phone #s who had harassed me months earlier.
I put said phone # into social media and Wala! I got some Men's profiles.
One lived in the town where said X mass present was being purchased by me.
In an attempt to keep me from going to get this present (she thought I was going to confront him) she accused me of going there to cheat on her.
Wasn't until the next day when I showed up with the present that she realized Opps. I gave too much info?
So I reached to this dudes GF and told her about what could possibly be going on.
IDK what happened to this day with them. Who knows.
Also, on several occasions she would leave the house to work early on special projects and no say goodbye to anyone.
This was before I made her put a tracker on her phone.
Shortly after DDay. She said she wanted to go get apples 9 miles away cause they are better!
Turns out that's the area where AP may live.
I didn't allow it.
Now she makes it a habit to visit that area as much as she can. Knowing I'm tracking her but unable to leave work to see what's going on she stops a lot at a local dairy.
Shit like this even 2 years later are the things that are eating me up and I'm sure will take me down.

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