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For years...

Patches32 posted 2/13/2019 17:14 PM

It's been 2 weeks since I found out my boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating for about 2 years or so. 5 months into our relationship he had to rush to the state he's from because his mother and grandmother had been in a horrible accident. His grandma died and he needed help his mother while she recovered from severe injuries. He came back to this state to see me and we decided to stay together and go long distance. He'd come visit me regularly throughout the years and we talked everyday. We planned a future together. Two weeks ago I found his Facebook and thought I could connect with his mom meet her in a way. One of his friends was his longtime girlfriend in that state. There were pictures of them together going back as far as when he first went back. She labeled them the love of her life and I felt like I was going to die. When I confront him he said he'd known her before he moved to my state and they reconnected. He said that there was another woman but he ended with her when his job prospects in this state looked better. He said he knew it was wrong and did it anyway he was sorry and in pain too. He said he was lonely and that he thought he could move back and pretend it didn't happen. Then he stopped answering my text and didn't answer when I called. I haven't tried to contact him since that day and he hasn't contacted me. Just typing this was hard I am not doing well. I feel so thrown away and used. I had no idea it was literally the last thing I thought he was capable of doing.

Mene posted 2/13/2019 17:45 PM

Not married. No kids. Move on. Run. You are young and have a whole life in front of you. Be with someone who will be committed to you and not stray. You donít deserve this bullshit in your life. If he is straying now so early on in your relationship, it doesnít bode well for the future.

Svon posted 2/13/2019 18:13 PM

You might contact the other woman. She may be as in the dark as you are. Commiserate together and move on.

Babette2008 posted 2/13/2019 18:21 PM

I'm sorry, it must feel terrible to find out that someone you loved and trusted lied to you. But now you know that he is not trustworthy and is not the person you thought he was.

You may not be ready to hear this now but I can assure you that future you will be much happier for having gotten out of this relationship now, so if he calls you don't go back.

kimwik posted 2/13/2019 20:53 PM

So sorry, what a devastating betrayal of all you thought you had. Gracefully, not gracefully, however you can walking, running, crawling, screaming , crying, bot talking, ...exit the relationship. Do a complete 180. Take a year ..or 2..recover...heal. life is good. That relationship is not

Dismayed2012 posted 2/14/2019 08:25 AM

Sorry about the blunt response below.

So he went back home and started up a full-time relationship with someone else and you became his side piece. And now that you've found out and want answers he's ghosting you.

He's been lying to you for two years. He entertained your future plans in order to keep you on the hook so he'd be able to visit Cali and have a place with benefits to stay at. His full-time piece doesn't know about you. She thinks she's the only one also. He likely didn't count on you checking him out online.

His ghosting you is evidence that he's dropped you already and the fact that the other woman's face and info is all over his Facebook is confirmation that he chose her over you long ago and that you were the side piece.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. This is a good learning experience though. Don't believe everything you're told by a 'boyfriend'. Look for evidence that confirms what they're saying. If a guy is truly looking at a future with you he'll not be ashamed to highlight you in his online presence. He'll also do whatever is necessary to spend as much time as possible with you. Long distance relationships don't foster healthy long-term commitments. And most importantly, fix your boyfriend 'picker' before getting into another relationship. Choosing the same type of guy will render similar results.

Read in the Healing Library on this site. There are helpful threads that will speed your healing. Take care of and value yourself.

manofintegrity posted 2/14/2019 09:03 AM

Iíd friend request all of the OW friends and family on FB. Find out where she works. Friends request all of his and her coworkers. Make a big chloroplast sign to stick at the entrance of her subdivision or road, one at her work, one on main st. Give them the attention they deserve. The ďlove of her lifeĒ is nothing but a POS cheater with no integrity. Let her have him and see how they like it when everyone in town knows about their dalliances.

Patches32 posted 2/14/2019 09:07 AM

I've never used support groups before so maybe this is how it is but that is extremely harsh and a little unnecessary. Retyping everything I said but in a much nastier way and calling me a side piece? why?.I am guessing you don't think my situation is "real" because I wasn't married. Just based on how much you decided to make it sound like this is my fault and should have a better "boyfriend picker". You are on this site too do you think you need a better "SO picker". wow that was just way insulting thanks

Patches32 posted 2/14/2019 09:10 AM

@manofintegrity that's an amazing idea. I did FB message the one OW I knew about with the story and proof. She never responded so it's up to her now. None of us knew about the other according to him. thanks for the laugh and responds:)

Happenedtome2 posted 2/14/2019 10:27 AM

Patches32, sorry to see you here.

It does sound as if he was keeping you on the hook just in case it didn't work out where he is now. Some folks here can be a little too blunt at times but it can still be useful advice and TBH sometimes we just need the wake up call.

Your'e lucky enough that you are not married to this louse. If he is not answering you at all then he is doing you a favor. He has made himself someone else's problem. He will likely cheat on them as well.

Worry about yourself instead of what he is doing. This is going to be hard but you WILL get through it. You came to the right place. Lots of folks here will give you great advice.

sisoon posted 2/14/2019 11:15 AM

Patches,

Yes, some of us are unnecessarily harsh, IMO.

At the same time, some of us see the commitment as the important thing in a relationship, with or without paper. To some of us, maybe even almost all of us, your relationship is as real as any other.

You should not be the side piece, since he committed to you before taking up again with his old piece. Then again, one could say you're both side pieces.

The fact is you've been betrayed. Now what?

Many of us have a chance to R. Is that something that seems possible to you in your case?

Is it really something that you want? Do you really want to commit again to a guy who can't stand being lonely? Do you think R is possible with someone who ghosted you?

*******

We have a lot of collective experience here. Some of that includes failed R in LDRs and failed R when there are no kids or complex financial connections.

Personally, I'm usually hesitant to see R as impossible - but his ghosting you is a very bad sign.

******

What support did you want from us? If you spell it out, you might get it.

******

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. It's bad enough when BS & WS are together. I can't imagine dealing with betrayal when you're apart.

marriageredux959 posted 2/14/2019 12:28 PM

((Patches))

I'm new here! So I can't speak for the group- but of course I will. :)

Peeps here can be direct, to put it mildly. It comes from the best place.

These peeps may be dealing with Waywards and long term legal commitments, marriages, kids, jointly owned property, money (BIG money) that disappeared along with the Wayward, multiple affairs/affair partners, etc. In other words, the exact same thing you are experiencing, only with legal and financial ramifications and with kids involved.

It's not that they don't see your situation as "real," it's that they see it as too damned real. It's as real as it gets. They want you to see that too- and not make excuses for your Wayward, not stick your head in the sand, not pretend that it's all OK. THEY WANT YOU TO RUN- RUN FAST, RUN HARD, RUN NOW.

You don't deserve this. It's not your fault. Nobody thinks it's your fault. But they are poking you hard with sticks to get you "unstuck."

Others will have their own opinions, which are equally as valid as mine, but I wouldn't waste one minute or one bit of effort on any sort of revenge tactic.

1. In doing so, you are engaging other people, people whose emotions may run as high as your own. That's always a wild card and you have no idea how your actions and choices will ricochet off of other people, or how their crap might splatter back on you. You don't need *any* more trouble from this clown- so treat him like a virus in your operating system. Isolate him, quarantine him, flush him. Limit your contact and your exposure, don't broaden it. JMHO.

2. Revenge and/or further engagement with him or with anyone else involved with him further reinforces and emphasizes his centrality, importance and even dominance in your life. All attention is attention. You don't want to give this guy any more of your precious time and energy. You just want him gone. Ghosting? If you want "revenge," ghost him harder than he's ghosting you. :)

3. You are your priority now. Your job is to be kind, respectful, appreciative, supportive to YOURSELF. You take care of you! <3

twisted posted 2/14/2019 13:02 PM

Worry about yourself instead of what he is doing.

Yep, this^^^^

You have a different view of your relationship than he does. That is just the reality of the situation. You are fortunate that you have not committed further. I would suggest you look elsewhere for a long term partner that might lead a happier life. Take it as a life lesson, move on, and try not to forget what you learned.
You can do better. You deserve better.

Patches32 posted 2/14/2019 16:26 PM

Thank you all very much for your responses. Thank you for saying you believe people are harsh no matter how helpful you may find it I appreciate the acknowledgement. I have no intention of ever contacting him again nor am I seeking revenge. I only contacted the OW when I first found out and I kept it to the facts and told her I was sorry he'd done this to us. I completely agree that anything else would be giving him a lot of attention he doesn't deserve. Doesn't mean it's not a funny thought to daydream about. I don't need to be poked honestly I am quite aware of the level of his indifference toward me. I am only recently aware of it but I suffer no delusions that I will ever speak to him again nor do I really want to. This was my life for years so just NOT thinking about him isn't really something that can be done with any real success for long. I loved him and we had talked about the future. He talked about it as certainty not an if. I am not pining for him I simply can't stop reliving our time together and being disgusted that he was sleeping next to someone else just 3 days before he was with me. Or the fact that he could have broken up with me many many times throughout the years and chose instead to drag me along. The fact that he spent hundreds of dollars flying back and forth to visit me.To keep certifications in this state for his line of work current so he can come back and work here. It's not a matter of he thinks about our relationship differently than I do. He has been manipulating me and gaslighting me for years setting up lies for later use. I didn't think my original post mandated tough love from anyone and I seriously will never understand why people feel they have to give said tough love in the harshest and bordering on rude way. But I recognize my need to hear advice from others and the majority has been positive. I thank you all again for the time you took in respond. I appreciate the advice and will take it in and meditate on it.

PricklePatch posted 2/14/2019 23:44 PM

Patches,

I am sorry for your pain. I donít believe you were a side piece. I believe you were in a relationship of integrity. Your integrity.
Your boyfriend Camden choices that played with multiple peoples lives.

I have empathy for your pain. I am grateful that you found out before kids and family.

Unfortunately, he showed you who he is. Believe him.

The next step is healing. Perhaps individual counseling may help. A good support group. Take care of your self.

The1stWife posted 2/15/2019 05:33 AM

Patches.

When I was growing up we had a horse named Parches. He was beautiful. Just like you.

Iím sorry some people here were harsh. Itís not necessary to call you a side piece. You were his GF. You had a legit relationship. He cheated. He took complete advantage of you.

Those are the facts unfortunately. I believe people here should be kind in the JUST FOUND OUT section of SI because that is what is needed. Now if we were 10 pages in in this thread and you were not moving forward or healing or still believing he was your BF and you were trying to get him back - then some tough love may be warranted.

Sooooo getting back to you. Iím sorry you were cheated on and lied to and manipulated by this guy. It hurts. It makes no sense. Itís not right.

But I hope it is clear that he chose to cheat. It has or had NOTHING to do with you. They were all his choices. That is who he is. A liar and cheater.

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