"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Bee1 posted 2/13/2019 09:56 AM

Hi everyone,

I just found out I have been cheated on and I have no support system around me,no one to talk to and I feel completely destroyed. Please excuse me for any mistakes English is not my first language.

Im not married. Im 27 years old and I have been in long distance relationship for 4 years. It is my second relationship as my previous one ended in a disaster. Yesterday I have discovered that my fiancé has been cheating on me since September. After denying when I confronted himand calling me names for not trusting him, he finally admitted Hen the girl sent me videos of them, pictures etc. When I got into a relationship with him I explained to him the trauma that I've experience before and he assured me he would never hurt me. During 4 years I've supported him in every way. He has been left out by family living in a foreign country with no money and trying to get a job where I live. He was my soulmate and i had no one to rely on except him. Since i discovered he has been crying and telling me that he had an affair with this girl so he can have food. The girl knew about be as she saw the pictures he puts of me on social media. During our relationship I have noticed mood swings and a change of behavior, but when I asked him if he were cheating on me he would yell at me and would tell me to learn to trust. Since yesterday I have the images of them being happy traveling together, videos of them being intimate taken by one of his best friends ( who knows me as well ) stuck in my mind and a pain in my chest. He keeps telling me that he did that to survive. But I cannot see how because he could have ask for money to many friends. He was the light of my life as I grow with him during those 4 years. After my first heartbreak, I didn have emotional support to face this trauma and I developed social anxiety, I cut off all my friends and dropped my degree. He came into my life like a savior and we talked all the time about marrying each other. He has talked with my parents and been my soulmate in every aspect. Right now I'm feeling incredibly devastated, I cannot eat or sleep and im having very dark thoughts. I don't see any reason for me to live anymore as ive lost everything that was important for me. Thank you for reading me

squid posted 2/13/2019 10:14 AM

He's gaslighting you. He'll likely start blaming you for his cheating.

The best advice is to leave him right now. Or make him stay somewhere else. You need time to process this. You likely don't know the full truth and there is ALWAYS more to the story.

Your friend that recorded their intimate time IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. That person has to go!

You're not married so breaking things off with him would honestly be the best way forward. But this is who he is. He likely won't change without doing real work and meanwhile you'd only be in an anxiety-filled state wondering if he'll cheat again. RUN!

I understand how tough it is to not have a support system. But you've got us. Keep posting.

nortonj posted 2/13/2019 10:27 AM

It also reminds me of a narcissist.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

manofintegrity posted 2/13/2019 10:50 AM

Well, that is a first! Boyfriend has affair because he was starving for food. Really??? His friend that didn’t tell you has no integrity, just like your boyfriend. Out them both to their family and community and if his “friend” has a girlfriend, let her know what a loser she has. Tell her men that cover for each other’s shenanigans will cheat on their girl too. Then you need to do the 180 on your boyfriend and get back into school to get your advanced education. Because, if boyfriend # 3 decides to cheat, you will be able to make it on your own. Keep doing the right thing. You are going to be fine.

Bee1 posted 2/13/2019 11:03 AM

Thank you everyone for reading me and giving me your advice. During our relationship he helped me continue my education and in so many other ways. With his support I completed my masters and became a french teacher. That's why I'm completely lost and I don't understand why he did that.I don't know if I did something wrong at some point that made him do that.

allusions posted 2/13/2019 11:31 AM

I don't understand why he did that.I don't know if I did something wrong at some point that made him do that.

The thing is, you didn't do anything to make him cheat. It's all because he has something broken in him that allowed him to think cheating was an acceptable choice, and then lying to you and coming up with the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard.

The1stWife posted 2/13/2019 11:54 AM

Stop trying to make sense if it all.

That will make you lose your sanity.

Just know he lied and cheated and even now, chooses not to be honest. He did not cheat for food. He cheated b/c he wanted to.

End of story.

Bee1 posted 2/13/2019 12:03 PM

Thank you everyone, I just have to accept the reality and stop wondering on why it happened like you said.

Happenedtome2 posted 2/13/2019 12:21 PM

YOU did not do anything wrong. You are young and you are not married to him so get out while you can. He is not going to change if he even has his friends in on it because they will keep covering for him

1Faith posted 2/13/2019 12:29 PM

So so sorry that you are here and hurting. I am...we all are.

I wish we could explain the WHY someone could be so selfish and self centered. We can't. Please know you didn't do this. HE did.

Is he wanting to stay with you? What is he doing to address his double life?

I don't see any reason for me to live anymore

I am not sure if you are faith based or not but please know that God loves you very much. He sees your pain and is there for you. Pray for courage and strength. Pray for the ability to follow His journey toward healing. Think about your family that loves you.

Your life is not, does not have to be defined by your wayward fiance's choices. You are important; you ARE enough.

One step at a time. Bee1, you are going to be okay and there is something better out there for you than this. That I promise.

Keep moving. Hugs

Bee1 posted 2/13/2019 12:43 PM

Your words touch my heart deeply. I cant thank you all enough for making the time to comfort me. 1faith yes i belive in God and i hope he will help me recover from this.

Bee1 posted 2/13/2019 13:08 PM

1faith he keeps telling me im the love of his life and that he is ashamed. He did a post on Facebook explaining what he did " to show me he deserves humiliation".

babayaga posted 2/13/2019 13:27 PM

Bee1 - this is not your fault. Nothing you did or did not do caused him to cheat. I hope that you find a lot of great support on this site. (((HUGS)))

MamaDragon posted 2/13/2019 14:59 PM

he is lying to you - I hate to say it but it is true.

You are not married, you owe him nothing. He is trying to rug sweep his actions because he is afraid he is going to lose you and all the nice things he gets from being with you.

You are a strong person. You are not alone, this is a great support group - even though we are virtual. Listen to the advice you are given from this board.

First things first, if you decide to stay with him - he has to lose the friend who knew of the affair - well, any of his friends that knew have to go.

A No contact letter must be sent to the girl. You need to have 100% access to all his things - He needs to put the work into repair your relationship.

Make sure you drink plenty of water, eat healthy and try to get sleep. See a Doctor if you need something for depression - it will help.

Try to get into some relationship counseling or at least IC for you both.

Don't allow him to rug sweep, don't allow him to place the blame on you at all - this is all on him.

Remember though, you don't have to take him back. You can kick him to the curb and go on about your life and find your prince charming. You are strong, you are unique and you are worthy of a faithful love.

*hugs*

Mene posted 2/13/2019 15:39 PM

Not married. No kids. Move on. Run.

Robert22205https posted 2/14/2019 08:12 AM

Initially we all felt that our relationship, circumstances or our wayward partner were different. But we ultimately realized that cheaters are all pretty much the same. Your bf’s behavior (before and after exposure) is typical for a cheater.

The tears, begging, and his posts on FB are not evidence that he will be faithful in the future. Just the opposite because it is manipulative behavior designed to minimize and divert attention away from his inappropriate behavior – and make you feel sorry for him. Therefore, the tears & promises and FB posts are irrelevant to you.

Here’s the typical cheater personality profile: selfish, deceitful, entitled, and totally lacks empathy for you (including your previous experience with a cheater).

One of the most important things you will do for your children is ‘who’ you pick to be their father. Your future children (and you) deserve better than him.

Most of us felt restricted in our response to infidelity by financial considerations and/or children. However, you are free to pursue your life unencumbered with a cheater.

Don't give up on yourself. You are not alone.

1Faith posted 2/14/2019 14:16 PM

Bee1,

Just checking in on you today and see how you are doing?

(((hugs)))

Bee1 posted 2/14/2019 14:46 PM

Hi 1faith, thank you for checking on me.
I know that for a lot of people my situation isn't as bad because I was not married yet and children are not involved.

But I'm really traumatized. I'm not the kind of girl who socialize, who engage with men and maybe I sound like an idiot saying this but I've always thought ill meet one man and get married. Maybe because of my culture or just because of my personality.

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions : I felt anger, sorrow, confusion.

He has called me crying and saying he did it to survive and have 3 meals a day. That he gave her what she wanted to not eat from trash. That he was not functioning but on survival mode and that he couldn't ask money from anyone, that he will fight to win me back. I told him I couldn't think of forgiving right now and that I wanted to stay away from him.

I tried to eat today but I'm feeling very nauseous, your messages of support help me a lot. Its really hard to just accept the emptiness in my life right now but I'm trying to fight.
I will take things day by day and I'll keep praying to God to give me strength.

[This message edited by Bee1 at 2:49 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 2/14/2019 14:55 PM

Oh Bee1,

You don't have to justify or compare your pain to anyone's. It is yours and it hurts and we understand your heartache.

Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling. You will feel so many emotions from one minute to the next. This is why we refer to it as the rollercoaster ride from hell.

Up is down, east is west, yellow is purple and love is hate. Nothing makes sense as your whole world has been turned upside down. (((hugs)))

You can not fast track your healing or wave a magic wand and make this go away and believe me as I tried both and neither worked.

But you can be kind to yourself, you can seek IC (individual counseling) for you, you can do one positive thing for yourself each day (take a walk, read, write a letter to someone, call a relative, etc) and start to find your way back to you. YOU.

I tried to eat today but I'm feeling very nauseous

This is very common. We call it the infidelity diet. I lost 25 lbs after day within 3 weeks.
Try drinking a protein shake or eating something bland like toast. See your doctor if you need help. It is okay to ask for help.

You are going to be okay. You are.

Keep posting, keep praying.