SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Off Topic

OverAndUnderIt posted 2/4/2019 10:53 AM

This past year I was able to rekindle a friendship from high school. We had lost contact through the years and last Spring we were able to get back in touch and spend time together.

My friend( whom I will call "Lea") have so much in common. We like a lot of the same things and we always have a fun time together. We can have fun just hanging out at each others houses or spend a whole day out on the town. Its refreshing to just kind of let loose and have a friend to vent or be silly with.

Our youngest kids are close in age. Hers are about 2 years older then my younger 2. They get along pretty well and have very similar interests. Over the summer we would often go to their house so they could swim in their pool and we'd have cookouts. Ar first it was fun, but now I'm having a hard time.

Our methods of parenting are vastly different. Which obviously I'm open to different parenting. We all have our own ways. But what makes it hard is when we decide to do things together. Example: Lea asked me if I wanted to take the girls out for the day. We would take them to the mall for an event and then get some ice cream afterwards. Okay. Sounded great! We meet at the mall and chaos takes over. The girls are obviously excited to see each other. So we start walking to where the event would take place. Leas daughter(May) is running ahead and being loud with my daughter in tow. We get to the event and "May" is bouncing all around. Grabbing things, being loud, etc. (I dont let my kids act like that in public). It was kind of embarrassing as other parents were looking and lea just stands there. Well May decides shes hungry and starts yelling at her mom how she wants to eat now and shes starving and her mom told her they would eat etx. She starts grabbing candy off the shelves, opening toys, throwing stuff on the floor. She starts telling. Y daughter how the craft she was working on was wrong and it was stupid and her writing g didn't makes sense. (May is 8 and my daughter is 5 so she cant spell very well). Needless to say it was awful. I wanted to hurry up and leave. So once it was over and we start to leave I notice May trying to steal lip gloss and jewelry. She had both packages completely ripped open and was in the process of putting the gloss in her pocket. Her mom dont really seem to care and just tossed the stuff on the floor and we left.
We get to the ice cream place and once again May is running around. I see another mom that I know there and as we are talking May is yelling and slamming into tables. It was awkward. After we get our ice cream we sit down and May is slopping food all over the table. Shes talking extremely loud and still Lea doesnt care. She kinda laughs and blows it off even when May slaps her. The worst part of that scenario is then my 5 year old starts to act in the same manner. Needless to say I stopped that behaviour really quick! But I know it made me look like I'm too strict.

Anyway, I guess what truly bothers me the most about it is that Lea talks about her children as if they are the best things on this planet. Mind u I know as parents we are all biased. But sometimes u know when your kids are "bad". Shes always boasting on FB about how eveyone compliments her kids manners etc. But in real life I dont see it. Her son is the same way, but whiney. He punched my 7 year old. because he lost. He smashed his xbox controller because my son asked to play and when his mom told him to give him a turn he got angry and slammed the controller on the floor and took off.

I'm just trying to figure out how to keep a friendship with someone when I dont like their kids behaviour or how they handle it. I've been avoiding doing things as a group, but I dont know how much longer I can keep it up. Any advice?

Chrysalis123 posted 2/4/2019 20:50 PM

I had this exact experience when my 2 daughters were small. I had a great friend and she had 3 daughters similar in age to my two.

The problem was her kids had terrible behavior. We tried to do a Mom's day out exchange. She'd go out and I'd watch her kids and then she would watch my kids.

Her kids were ATROCIOUS!

Then, we tried to go camping with them. ATROCIOUS behavior and she was oblivious.

Come to find out most of the other moms were aware of this too and avoided these kids...the mom was delightful.

I ended up distancing from her and her kids. Once the kids matured around late middle school they had learned to be socially appropriate.

I just could not be involved when my kids were small.

pureheartkit posted 2/4/2019 23:00 PM

Sorry, there isn't a way to tell her her kids are too ill behaved without hurting her.

If she came to you saying help me it would be one thing but she's ignoring all that happens right in front of her. This same thing happened to me. I lost a friend because of her bratty boys. It wasn't enjoyable to be around them. I couldn't say anything and she let it go on. Even on the phone she was letting them bully her for attention and it was too uncomfortable listening to her react to them constantly. What was supposed to be fun just gave me stress and I knew she needed a break from them but it was too much for me.

Catwoman posted 2/6/2019 16:48 PM

There's really no way out of this one without being honest: Your children's behavior are a concern to me and as a result, I do not want to do things with you that involve your children. Maybe we can get together without the kids and do adult things.

I don't see that you necessarily cannot do things with this person, but you need to make it a clear boundary that children are not a part of the equation.

It's pretty normal to have differing parenting styles with someone you date. Unfortunately, they can become dealbreakers, as you are seeing here.

Cat

OverAndUnderIt posted 2/7/2019 07:21 AM

It's definitely a difficult situation that I will have to tread lightly with until I decide on how I'm going to handle it.

Chrysalis, I feel like our stories are similar. I've noticed that her kids dont really have friends but the parents try to hang out with her. She has told me how she'll invite ppl to a kids event and no 1 will show but if she had a party for just adults they all would come. So I think other parents are well aware of how her kids behave too.

Fortunelty for me we live about 40 minutes away. So I can always use distance as an excuse. Except the fact that most events happen near my city.

And I think you all are right on if I say anything it's definitely going to offend her. She keeps her kids on a pedestal of greatness where they can do no wrong and they come first above everything and everyone else. I had told her that once and I could tell it pissed her off so idk. I'll keep seeing how things go and work from there. Glad I'm not the only 1 who has dealt with this!