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DDay 2

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Happenedtome2 posted 2/13/2019 09:05 AM

To continue, I think she is taking the lead at this point albeit slowly. I think she is afraid of triggers but also is really afraid that I am going to leave down the road anyway.

She has been doing little things here and there for me that she hasn't done in a long time. Heck, when I was getting ready for work at 3 a.m. this morning she was standing there making a sandwich and when I asked what she was doing she said "making a sandwich for your lunch". She had literally just gotten home from work and instead of going to bed decided to make my lunch. The little things.

Hopefully we can continue on this path without major incident. Haven't seen anything new via phone and no sign anywhere of a burner or anything. I haven't even felt the need to check her phone really but when it goes off I still kinda get that twitch....

TimSC posted 2/13/2019 10:08 AM

Having been there and done that, I would not drop my guard just yet.

Move forward with caution. I would still run Dr Fone just to see what can be recovered.

Your statement that she never asked how you were doing until you told her that you were bothered by that still nags at the back of my mind.

Trust but verify.

manofintegrity posted 2/13/2019 10:35 AM

Absolutely, my WW will be in for a rude awakening if and when she decides to attend another church...I will be meeting with the pastoral staff and an elder (and wives) to inform them of who they will be having in their midst, since her last A was with our pastor. Some things I will never let her escape.

OrdinaryDude, Did you out your arrogant psychopath pastor publicly and get him fired? Did you provide enough information to OBS so that she would divorce the sorry hypocrite? I sure did. Ahhh, the consequences of using your position of power, trust and authority to prey on women for 8 yrs. My WW and I are doing very well 19 mo post dDay. Note a statistic for you guys: 25% of ministers by age 40 cheat on their wife.

Happenedtome2 posted 2/13/2019 11:55 AM

TimSC,
for me running data recovery at this point would not be a great idea. I have no interest in having everything that I have already went through coming back again. That said, there is zero stopping me from checking her phone and email at any time. If the urge arises I will do so but at the moment it is not really on the front burner.

Robert22205https posted 2/13/2019 13:04 PM

Those 'little' things are actually very important. Especially at 3am after working ...

Stay strong.

JS84 posted 2/13/2019 15:23 PM

I am curious, did she actually explain her reasoning for being in contact with this guy behind your back for all this time??

Because she had to have known what she was doing was crossing a serious line unless she has no concept of boundaries or absolutely no common sense. What made her think doing so was okay??? Especially after already experiencing a D-Day. Has she actually verbalized an understanding of how inappropriate that was?? Why she was willing to continue to risk her marriage due to inappropriate contact with someone of the opposite sex?

Happenedtome2 posted 2/13/2019 20:51 PM

JS , yes. The guy from "dday2" was someone she dated for about 4 seconds whe she was 16 or 17. It didn't work out but they remained friends. They would occasionally text or group chat on fb because they had a group of friends that he wanted to stay connected to when he became seriously ill.

She didn't think anything of it until I made it an issue having completely forgotten the guy existed. I knew of him and even knew they were friends but she has acknowledged that under these circumstances it is now inappropriate even though there really is nothing going on.

It is a shame for her that her contacts are becoming fewer and fewer but she brought it upon herself and has admitted doing so. She'll have to live with it.

numb&dumb posted 2/14/2019 07:55 AM

It is a shame for her that her contacts are becoming fewer and fewer but she brought it upon herself and has admitted doing so. She'll have to live with it.

It is a consequence of a choice she made. She has shown that she lacks boundaries that another person would have when dealing with the opposite sex.

One boundary I put in place after dday that we still have today is that we don't have friends of the opposite sex that are not friends of the M.

When the kids want to make arrangements with their friends. They parents usually have to communicate. If it is the Dad I am the one to communicate. If it is the Mom then my wife makes the communication.

At the end of the Day she needs to work on her boundaries. Sometimes these can be hard on us as BS. A WS that in past that would put up with behavior that their BS suddenly call you out on it. While it seems bad at first it is very healthy. Those boundaries will do more to safegaurd the M than anything else.

I can already see you improving with the way you've posted. you might not see it yet, but the initial emotions are fading and you are slowly moving back to your center again. Progress is progress.

Happenedtome2 posted 2/14/2019 10:16 AM

N&D I absolutely am starting to FEEL better. Guard is still up but the sense of constant urgency to know things and to look for things has calmed down.

WW has really owned up to everything IMO. It took a while obviously but once it was all out there (finally) I think she finally saw just how bad it had been for me not knowing everything and thinking that more was going to keep coming out. There was no way I was going to be able to move forward like that . Now at least I can see a glimmer of hope.

numb&dumb posted 2/26/2019 16:02 PM

HTMe2- How are you doing today ?

Hope. Hope is under rated thing. Not so much that everything works out, but hope that things can dn do get better is important. Keep going. You will get there.

Happenedtome2 posted 3/7/2019 09:59 AM

Hey N&D, sorry for the delayed response. There is a LOT going on with the site and the thread got buried ! How are YOU? Thanks for asking about me .

I guess I'm doing as ok as ok can be. I'm having very different feelings about R at the moment. Almost as if it has stalled for lack of a better word. I do not think anything is going on with WW but I also don't feel the same about our M at the moment. I wish I had a word for it but really the only one that comes to mind is the not really caring aspect of apathy.

I sort of feel like the part of me that needed to save our M is gone and has been replaced with a feeling of just seeing what happens. I've consulted with a lawyer and feel that I'd be in a good position if I decided to D.

WW has changed course in her counseling efforts and is focusing on the root issues of her mindset and is seeking out a psychiatrist to speak to. This is a new effort on her part and I fully support it. She is also starting to feel the effects of her new(ish) job which is 3rd shift and taking a mental toll on her that she did not expect. The lack of sleep is getting to her and making her forgetful and lethargic which has been an issue of mine for years that she sometimes harped on. I actually told her this yesterday and pointed out how she would sometimes talk down to me because of it and that hit her pretty hard now that she is in a similar situation.

Been focusing on keeping myself busy and not thinking about the A but also reading a lot here and again being amazed and sad at how many of us are in the same boat and how similar the "scripts" are from the WS's. There have been so many new posts and members I can't even keep up with some of the threads I respond to.

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