SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Happenedtome2 posted 1/30/2019 12:07 PM

The s__t hit the fan. Everything came out. All of it. 3 online IG contacts, one turned into the EA. Lives in CA but was from IA (I forget which of you totally called that one).
Text from last night was a ex short term BF that apparently they remained friends. I actually DO remember the guy from 20 years ago because she almost did something really stupid because of him.
I want to vomit right now.

Farside, deep down, I KNOW I don't want to be done. I don't think any of us really WANTED to be done, but I thought if the paperwork landed in her lap it'd be pony up or get out. Now if the paperwork lands in her lap it's done and no turning back. I need to calm down now before making any decision. This is just bulls__t

Bigheart2018 posted 1/30/2019 12:17 PM

Dear Happenedtome2,

I'm sorry you had to face this again. I just don't think your wife will change. If she does, it will be a long road to travel.

Best to you
Bigheart

Robert22205https posted 1/30/2019 14:33 PM

I'm sorry that your world was blown up again. I thought you handled DD1 very well. Sometimes we can do everything right and our world still blows up. Unfortunately none of us can control someone else's behavior.

How were you able to obtain the additional information? Did she volunteer it?

Has there been any contact with the OM (in CA) since DD1? Did she give you his name?

How long & frequent is the contact with the X BF? When did they last see each other face to face? How does she justify continuing another secret relationship (especially after DD1)? Why delete innocent texts?

Did she ever read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:34 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 1/30/2019 15:42 PM

Robert, thanks for the kind words.

I called her out on this last night and she started to explain but I wasn't having it at the time.

This morning she volunteered some of it after I told her it was talk or walk. Exbf contact is supposedly infrequent. Has not seen him in many years. They kept in touch through a group because he has C and kept the group in the loop. Every zo often they'd randomly message. Nothing flirty or sexual. Deleted the text because it was just a photo to download of some crap he collects.

That turned into me demanding complete honesty about everything now. I pressed and wasn't standing for more TT. I called her out on the CA/IA and she said he lives in CA. Divorced. Real scumbag. Lots of $$ and flashy car. Total mid life crisis toolbag. Got his name. Know where he works. He has kids. He looks like a slimy loan shark.

The rest I simply asked the right question and demanded the right answer. I know what photos she sent, how it started, then pressed on the other dirtbags and she said they were very short conversations but the one that took off was our douchebag.

She is trying like hell to convince me that the exbf text was nothing. I'm going to sleep on that and let it fester a little.

Smashedhrt posted 1/30/2019 15:48 PM

Of course you don’t want this to be done. None of us bs wanted our marriages to be done. We weren’t the cheaters. We had integrity and plans for the future.

Yes hard tosthat off. To believe the person you love is actually a callus and selfish person. Because that’s what you must be to lie and cheat on your family.

File. See what happens. Your role in recovery is now goput the consequences in action.

1Faith posted 1/30/2019 16:41 PM

She is trying like hell to convince me that the exbf text was nothing

^^^She knows texting other men is wrong. She knows lying and hiding things from you is wrong. She knows that you have been crushed by her cheating yet to her it was "nothing"?

You being blindsided again, crushed again is "nothing" so the "nothing" was worth the risk of losing you and her family.

(((gently)))

Her comment conveys she is no where near a safe partner, no where near understanding the hurt and pain you have been enduring, no where near being remorseful.

It is all about her minimizing her behavior so she can continue her ego filled chats. She likes being wanted and likes the attention at any cost. Think about that.

Bottom line = she should not be texting ANYONE at 3:00 a.m. and NEVER any other men. It truly isn't a hard concept.

I am sorry you are back and you are hurting but I hope you do what you need to do to protect yourself and your family.

(((good luck)))

survrus posted 1/30/2019 18:31 PM

HTM,

At a minimum get her to write out a timeline for all inappropriate activity during your marriage.

Then get a polygraph.

Does he really have C not that it matters, or is that a desperate lie.

Contact the OMs wife or SO.

Ugh there was a man from europe who regularly, but not for about 10 years, sent letters to my W.

[This message edited by survrus at 6:31 PM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Happenedtome2 posted 1/30/2019 20:23 PM

He has no SO. He's basically a divorced douchebag living the life of a single 20 something even though he appears to be in his 50's

farsidejunky posted 1/30/2019 23:00 PM

I would not waste time with any more investigation or poly. For what? To tell you what you already know?

Look what she has done with your gift of reconciliation.

Continue this at your own peril.

xhz700 posted 1/31/2019 12:26 PM

I am going to share with you a story that might help you process this.

My ex (a disaster) has a habit of being rather difficult and talking shit about me in front of our daughter. She was told explicitly to stop referring to me as a bastard in front of my daughter, so she started referring to me as asshole.

I would be less concerned about the actual conversation with this ex as I would about the fact that she REALLY doesn't get it. At this point in your process, she should be hyper-aware of any hidden communication, or other slippery behaviors, and how they look from the outside. She doesn't seem to be taking ownership of this process. She's only concerned with doing what you tell her.

There seems to be a bit of a parental tint to your relationship with your wife. That needs to be addressed, or you are going to be dealing with this type of bullshit forever. If you tell her not to text this guy, she'll text another guy. If you tell her not to text any guys, she'll Skype with them.

Get what I am saying?

Happenedtome2 posted 1/31/2019 14:00 PM

xhz - Your theory holds water. Maybe not to the extent that you are describing, but A) I KNOW she doesn't get it because I didn't cheat on her so she has no frame of reference. B) The "don't do x" so she does "y".... The problem here is that we have never not had open communication about the people we spoke/texted/emailed to up until the events leading up to DDay 1. DDay 2 WW CLEARLY did not understand why I was bent about her texting a person she has been texting apparently forever but it never came up or posed any threat.

Up until now (or DDay 1 really) I never questioned who she was talking to or texting . There was no reason to. We had a seemingly good marriage, 2 great kids and yeah, we had some inter-marital issues like anyone else but nothing that should have turned into what happened.

I trusted this woman with my life, my kids, my finances....you name it and NEVER would I have thought this until now.

Bigheart2018 posted 1/31/2019 14:27 PM

Happenedtome2, what are your thoughts in how to proceed in your marriage? Has your wife shown any remorse?

ThisIsSoLonely posted 1/31/2019 15:33 PM

I am going to suggest this rather unconventional (apparently) concept - by Dr. Phone or some other program like it and have it installed on your computer and tell her you want her phone so you can download it and see: 1) the extent of what has happened, and 2) if she is lying about this latest conversation and alleged picture/text she deleted.

Start from there and be as mindful of the reaction that you get as what you actually find. Granted I will say this: do not go to you are automatically a liar mode if they balk at first - my WH did this and we did the download and it was all pretty accurate - but it was also disgusting - so his balking was because he was embarassed etc.

I'm sorry you're here!

Unbroken78 posted 1/31/2019 18:31 PM

I echo the above.

Get her respective passwords to all accounts. Log in on her device (phone).

Put the Dr Fone or similar recovery program on your laptop and plug up the device. Do a full 100% data recovery.

You need all of her passwords and to be fully logged in when you run it or you will get encrypted data.

This will tell you the truth. It recovers deleted data.

pureheartkit posted 1/31/2019 18:59 PM

Frustrating and maddening.....did she say why she is texting men and hiding it?

Good for you being in control.

If you hate that bedroom you don't have to spend time there. No one should live/ sleep in a space they hate. Make your space someplace you like. I'd be angry too.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/31/2019 22:37 PM

Whoah ! Thank you all for replying.

I told her that I would be using a data recovery program on her phone. She said no problem, I am welcome to do it as there is nothing to hide since dday1. She said if that will help clear the air then that is what I should do.

I am undecided as to whether or not to do so as it will also likely recover the messages between her and EAP and I don't want to relive that.

As for what course I want to take with our marriage.... i guess that is the million dollar question. As I stated in my previous thread,I am trying to hang in here to get through the kids' birthdays as I don't want them remembering this time of year as the time their world fell apart.

Ww just sent me a text saying she was sorry (she is heading to work). She also saw me having a bit of a bad moment that I couldn't hide and asked what she could do to help me. I didn't get into it right there because the kids were in the room.

I think what is eating me is how she would not understand that her messaging this guy, or any man who I do not know is completely inappropriate. I just don't get it.

CatsEye posted 2/1/2019 03:50 AM

She doesn't get it because she doesn't care about your feelings. She only cares about getting what she wants and escaping consequences. Clearly, she doesn't care how much her behavior hurts you, or she wouldn't be texting other men at 3:00 in the morning unless it was a relative telling her about a death in the family. Adults don't have to have it explained that this is not acceptable behavior.

I do not believe that this woman loves you. At all.
I do not believe that this woman respects you. At all.

Whether she's having sex with these men or simply chatting with them, she knows full well that they're the kind of douchebags who chat up and flirt with married women, meaning they are unworthy of trust and respect. She is risking her marriage and the future of her children either to chat with or screw douchebags she knows are unworthy of trust or respect. That's how little you, your marriage, and your children mean to her.

Go to a lawyer. Find out IMMEDIATELY what you need to do to protect yourself, your children, and your finances. If you don't already have one, set up your own bank account that she cannot access. You need a safe place to put money that she cannot take away from you. You might want to get a credit card in your name only, just in case, and make sure she cannot use it. Start making copies of financial paperwork. Document all of her cheating as well as any and all behavior that shows she is a neglectful, unloving wife or an unfit mother. Be merciless about it. She will be.

Even if you don't actually file, it won't hurt you to be prepared for a divorce, and if you do file, the more prepared you are, the better.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck.

Happenedtome2 posted 2/1/2019 12:18 PM

Catseye I am keeping records of EVERYTHING.

Robert22205https posted 2/1/2019 12:32 PM

I apologise if you already answered this question.

Did she (and you) read and discuss: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

It would be impossible to justify a secret 'friend' after reading .

Happenedtome2 posted 2/1/2019 14:28 PM

Robert, we have not.

The friend was a secret in that I did not know that they still texted occasionally. I knew of him but TBH had forgotten he even existed because I trusted her and she never talked about him at all. I put a stop to that today as well as her communicating with anyone she may have dated in any fashion whether it was the high school dance or a kindergarten birthday party.

I think that after today's conversation she has a better understanding of why these kind of connections must stop. The conversation is going to be revisited over the weekend as she is going to be made to understand that there will not even be a warning if she does anything even remotely out of line. It will be over and that will be that.

I even asked if she was trying to push my buttons in order to get me to file so she would not look like the bad guy. She has been apologizing all day and seems genuinely upset and is finally showing signs of regretting letting the EA start in the first place.
'
This weekend will be a big barometer of where we stand and whether or not we move forward.