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I am still not doing well

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brokendreamer posted 1/26/2019 13:12 PM

For those of you who are not familiar with my back story my husband left me suddenly and unexpectedly almost a year ago after 20 years of marriage. He went to meet a work client and moved in with her the same day.

I already suffered from diagnosed PTSD, depression and anxiety, following a brutal assault on me 5 years ago.

I am existing, not living, I have become a total recluse, I only leave my home to get provisions and stay awake all night when it feels safe, sleeping during the day. I feel broken and hopeles, like I have lost all purpose and meaning in life.

I have no support, my parents dont want to know as they have always been the type that are rather selfish, (typical ex pats) My father is a control freak, bully and drinker, my mother just goes along with whatever he says. My father decided to disown me when my husband left as he said 'me and your mother don't need this shit, sort yourself out and don't bring your aggravation to our door' How lovely.

So now I live with my 2 yr old son who has an adorable girlfriend and they are often here, which is company and i appreciate it.

Other than that, I can't seem to see a reason to live, I just get through everyday. I have been to my Dr who just prescibes more medication. Im not a great believer in counselling, I wish i was.

I have lost everything, my career, my home, my marriage and I feel so low. I feel abandoned and rejected, like Im nothing. I spent Christmas day alone and my future looks so bleak to me.

I loved him with all my heart, I feel broken, lost and betrayed. I cannot see me surviving much longer, please help.

Thank you

crazyinlove1995 posted 1/26/2019 14:02 PM

((Brokendreamer))I feel so terrible for your situation.My WW cheated at almost 22 years of marriage also.Please confide in som
eone you may have reach out to someone.Please don't harm yourself.Dors your son know how you feel?Are you suicidal?Please don't harm yourself..
It hurts now but it does get better.Im 3 years out it still hurts but it's better.Hang in there

whoami62 posted 1/26/2019 14:31 PM

Oh my gosh, brokendreamer. You are not alone. Even if it the strangers on this forum reaching out , we have ALL been through the betrayal and many negative emotions that you are experiencing.

I am sorry that you are feeling so badly and don't have enough support.

MAy I ask you why you don't believe in counseling ? Was it a bad experience with one that has soured you ?

I have at times felt the same way, but thankfully, I found a wonderful therapist that has been a Godsend to me
Please , please look into finding the right person to help you through this difficult time


whoami62 posted 1/26/2019 14:35 PM

I am not sure if this is allowed, but I would recommend looking at psychologytoday.com

it is easy to navigate to find a practitioner that takes your insurance and hopefully someone who specializes in trauma.

Reach out to several and see what answers you get back.
There is a better life for you than just existing

Please hang on

crazyinlove1995 posted 1/26/2019 19:30 PM

Brokendreamer.Checking to see how your doing.It gets slow on the weekend.I think your putting a lot of pressure on yourself,at only 1 year out.Shit I'm still angry.Have you let any of your anger out.Broke plates?Burnt clothes?If you haven't try it while screaming as loud as you can...Peace I hope your ok

brokendreamer posted 2/28/2019 11:00 AM

Hi all an thank you, just updating though nothing of any real significance has happened. I guess I am just sharing my feelings in a place I feel safe, with people I trust. I kind of use this as my journal now, so I hope that's ok.

Still living with my 21 year old son who is adorable. You 17 year old comes to see me, but is too wrapped up in hbis friends and the fact his father just bought him a new car, basically he buys him anything he wants as long as he does not return to live with me. It's sad but money and his friends mean more to him right now and I can understand that. i am sure he will eventually realise, so I just remain loving and supportive when I do see him.

I still feel very lost and alone, I have become somewhat of a recluse and other than to buy groceries, I tend to be at home. This is partly due to my depression and PTSD and partly because I have no friends nearby. I know that the answer is to get out more, but I am finding it impossible, I feel safe at home and have no one to go out with anyway. I have had a couple of male friends offer to drive over and take me out, but I don't think I am in the right place or frame of mind to start dating yet.

I am year from DD and still miss and think of my husband ever minute of the day almost. The feeling of emptiness and pain is at times, unbearable. Sometimes I still wake up and think he is in bed next to me, then the reality sets in like a brick to the stomach. I still cry most days and watch the world around me carry on as normal, without me.

It sounds strange, but it is almost like having a ghost in my house, sometimes I am convinced I can hear his laughter or feel him stroking my hair, it is all consuming for the most part.

I started divorce proceedings last summer, but unfortunately parted way with my solicitor for a couple of reasons, one geograhpic and two financial. She had got to the point of serving him papers and I paid the court fee. Since then I have struggled to save up for further appointments with a lawyer. My ex denied ever receiving the papers, though I am sure he did. he told son that he was not going to sign them as I would try to 'screw him financially'

He is still with OW, a year now so I have given up any hope of him feeling remorse or trying to work on the marriage. I love him enough to take him back, but couldn't do so due to the fact i don't think I could ever trust him again. I don't even know him now, haven't seen him or heard from him directly since the day he left 12 months ago. I assume that the way he left, ie went to work one day planning our vow renewal, me thinking we were happy, then just moved in with her the same day and never returned. The shock was awful and I am still coming to terms with that aspect. So I am still in love with the man I loved for 20 years and kind of frozen in time.

I have gained some weight due to starting on treatment for the onset of menopause and cannot shift it whatever I try. I eat like a bird, but it is more waist thickening etc, that in itself is making me very down. I harbour feelings of worthlessness, low self esteem, no confidence and have all but given up hope of ever being happy again. I also hate myself for feeling like this, i feel so weak and pathetic.

I have an appointment with a legal aid lawyer next week to try and continue my divorce proceedings, but it will be a slow and lengthy process as it is state funded. He has not filed for divorce, so I guess it is down to me to continue however long it takes.

Is how I am feeling 'normal' is it unusual to still be consumed with grief 12 months on? I am afraid of how I feel in terms of a total loss of hope, I function, not live. I do not seem to be moving on with my life, my heart and soul are truly broken and I'm lost. It is like he walked away with half of me, I am broken inside.

I have finally been referred for counselling but there is a 6 month waiting list as I cant afford private. I am still on anti depressants, but very flat. My weight gain is definitely not helping as I feel self conscious, I am told it is due to the menopause meds and I cannot lose it.

Any words of advice, comfort or support would be very much appreciated, thank you all.

BD x

HardenMyHeart posted 2/28/2019 11:11 AM

brokendreamer, So sorry you are struggling. I wonder if it would be helpful if you took a step back and imagine a good friend was having issues that are similar to what you are going through. What would you advise your friend? As you are advising your friend, try not to project your current situation or feelings. Just look at the broad picture objectively, and without judgement, and come up with advice that would be helpful.

One other thing, I know you don't believe IC would be helpful. I had the same thoughts prior to going to an IC. It turned out, I had a really good IC and she helped me a lot coming to grips with my past issues and dealing with the pain associated with my wife's 3 year affair. I suggest you at least give IC a try. I know it's difficult, but sometimes we have to put down the barriers and allow others to help us.

brokendreamer posted 2/28/2019 11:57 AM

Thank you so much, I have asked for that counselling referral as I accept that I need help to get through this :) I am on a 6 month waiting list, but at least I am on it now.

I think part of the problem is that I was suffering PTSD and depression prior to him leaving, in fact I blame myself a great deal. I didn't want to go out much where as he loved being centre of attention in local bars. I keep telling myself if only I'd made more effort, tried harder to lose some weight (I'm not too far overweight, maybe 10-15kg) but he was/is a very good looking guy and women were attracted to him. The woman he left for is petite, (im tall) very pretty and 13 years younger than me. He has certainly affaired up in terms of looks and age. People say I was stunning in my 20's and 30's, but age catches up with us all, that's life. The one thing I have always had though is a huge heart and a sharp sense of humour, so at least I have that in my favour.

I stood by him through everything, losing his job (several times) for being irresponsible. His drinking, partying hard, getting arrested for fighting... I grew up, he didn't. In some ways I loved his boyish behaviour, practical jokes, mad sense of humour, his insecurities and his love for me (or so I thought) We set up a company together 2 years ago after years of financial hardship with him keep losing his job. I worked so hard so we and he would have security and our kids a future in the business. As soon as it started making good money, is when he left me for her. Now they are living the high life (I believe he has just spent £18,000 on a diamond necklace for her) and I struggle to even eat some days. They are doing all the things we had planned, the weekends away, holidays, meals out etc, everything I had sacrificed for and worked hard towards in our middle age. I am not ashamed to say I feel bitter and angry that she is reaping the benefits of all my sacrices and hard work. I hope the divorce will deal with that, but again it takes time as state funded.

He hasn't even had any contact with my 21 year old, the child he raised from a baby, he doesn't care about him.

This has been done is such a cruel, calculated, vicious way, I couldn't treat a dog like Ive been treated. I got discarded like a piece of unwanted, worthless trash, without a backward glance. It was only just before he left that he asked me to renew our wedding vows last summer and said he was buying us new wedding rings for my 50th birthday. Instead he said he was working and that is when he left. Great 50th present.

The two of them (him and OW) have done their best to make my life hell via our son, nasty comments like he never loved me, that 'he finally dumped the burger and got the steak' that I am a 'disgusting, wrinkly, ugly old has been, who should do everyone a favour and kill myself - her words' Lovely woman she is!

i dont know whether you believe in karma, but if ever there was a witch who deserved it, it is her and a big dose at that! She has not just got with my husband, she has rubbed my face in it repeatedly. She is one hard hard woman and he obviously finds that a challenge after being treated with love and kindness. I am certain that she is giving him everything he wants and more right now, but I am a believer that a person always shows their true colours eventually. It's like she got my husband, the business, everything, but still wants to go at me, despite me having nothing left to give her.

Thank you again x

The1stWife posted 2/28/2019 12:04 PM

Getting out of your home is not for you to date others but just a change of scenery and interact with people.

Those minutes out will make you stop thinking of him. At least temporarily.

It is hard to be emotionally bankrupt and help yourself. That is why professional counseling can help you. They can provide you with a support system.

My parents are not supportive either. Basically told me “get over it” also. It hurts to be abandoned by your family when you have done nothing wrong.

I have a sister who was cheated on in a long term relationship. She was depressed for two years. She told me “get over it” also. Wanted no part of anything or willing to listen.

I was on my own. But I pulled through for the sake of my children. I had to.

I hope you can find something meaningful to propel you to take the first step to get some support and change how you feel.

Maybe start an in home exercise program and new way of eating to be the first step.

Sending prayers 🙏

brokendreamer posted 2/28/2019 12:31 PM

Thanks The1stWife

Yes it hurts that my parents are not supportive, they live a mile away but I have not heard from them since this happened. My dad said they wanted nothing to do with the situation, that I should have left him years ago. Basically that I made my bed and can lie in it, that they are not interested and dont need this crap in their older years. My dad has always been like that, a controlling bully, who has never known his own family and dictates to my drama queen mother, who relies on him to wipe her ass. My sister has had nothing to do with them for 8 years either, they have always been selfish (or my father has and he controls my mum)

I guess this is another reason why I loved my husband so much, he was my security, my best friend and someone I thought I would grow old with. I trusted him with my life.

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/28/2019 14:05 PM

You need counseling! You can't overcome PTSD with just meds, probably not major depression, either. I have major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I'm kn meds, but I also need counseling. Please, find a professional to talk to.

Thissucks5678 posted 2/28/2019 17:00 PM

It hurts when the person you trusted betrays you like that and to add on your parents is brutal. I have learned through this that the one person I can always count on is me. I decided at one point to not give my WH and the COW anymore time than the time they had already taken away from me. They still bother me and I still have triggers, but that’s how I bring myself out of it.

Have you read any books on Codependency? Have you read any books at all? The Fatherless Daughters Project was a good one for me as well. My father abandoned me as a toddler. The Body Keeps the Score is a good for PTSD and knowing what is going on with you.

I’m so sorry you are having such a continuously tough time. For me personally, my life turned to shit in August 2014 and then exploded into diarrhea on dday in 2016. Sometimes I wondered if I could keep going on. SI and a very dear poster here kept me going when I felt so alone.

One thing that did help me tremendously, is I started a new hobby. It was something completely different than anything I had ever done. I was terrible at first, but I’m decent at it now and I thoroughly enjoy it. Maybe you could get on Pinterest and see if there is anything out there that you’ve always wanted to try, but never thought you could?

I wish you could get into IC sooner, what about online counseling? Counseling can be such a great tool to help overcome trauma.

(((Brokendreamer)))

DixieDory posted 2/28/2019 19:03 PM

You absolutely need counseling asap. Have you reached out to any neighbors? Mine have often saved my sanity. It sounds like you may also have sleep deprivation. That alone can cause your constant harmful thoughts. Maybe you could slowly turn you daytime sleep back to night sleep.

Don't worry about your 17 year old son. My teenage daughters also went to stay with their dad for a car and an apartment swimming pool. He's still a kid. He will come around.

Have you tried strict No Contact with your WH? And, steer clear of the OW. Don't give her any openings for contact.

There is no "normal" for grieving. I think if you get your depression to lift (with counseling and meds), you will want to get out of your house more often. Isolation encourages isolation. Do you have some friends that you can call an a daily bases? That would help you a lot.

Are you getting any money from your WH? Have you tried free legal advice? During my first divorce, I got some kind of legal action that required my WH to provide financial support before any divorce papers were filed. Maybe there are some women support groups that can suggest some resources that are available to you.

Hang on. Go for a 5 minute walk everyday. Make you bed everyday. Eat healthy. Take vitamins. Don't worry about you weight right now (and NO your weight did not cause you ex to cheat!!!) Menopause is probably adding to your depression. Get a little routine everyday of small chores to keep your focus and to take up that lonely time. These seem so simple, but they will expand your comfort zone.

Lastly, I used to call a local hospital at 2 AM just to talk to someone when I didn't know what else to do. Also, keep the Suicide Hotline phone number handy. They will talk to you when you are hurting so bad.

I will keep you in my prayers. Don't despair! I'm only four months from Dday and no word from WH. It is probably for the best. You have what it takes. Keep telling yourself that! Peace.

ChamomileTea posted 2/28/2019 20:48 PM

When you feel like you just can't help yourself, sometimes the best answer is to go help someone else. Have you thought about joining a volunteer group? It would get you out of the house and help you develop some purpose for your day. I know it's a really tall order to just dive in the deep end like that, but really... what do you have to lose?

I think if it were me, I'd make divorcing this asshat my full-time job though. This bit where "he told son that he was not going to sign them as I would try to 'screw him financially'" tells you where his jugular is. I'd go for the biggest settlement possible and my half of that diamond necklace. In many places, half of whatever marital assets spent on the affair can be recovered. But that's me, not you. If you're becoming reclusive the obvious answer is to find a reason to get out of the house. It's too easy to bail out on social commitments or exercise schedules, but a volunteer role somewhere comes with the expectation that you'll attend. There are so many good causes looking for good people. And that feeling of having accomplished a little something with your day is so powerful.

Try also reading through a copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She's got a lot of good pointers for moving forward and gives a great explanation of how the brain affects the body.

((hugs))

paboy posted 2/28/2019 23:45 PM

Brokendreamer, Try and keep posting here. We are a group of 'friends' who are really able to support and help you. Readily there to communicate with you, and who readily will take time to help. So keep in contact until you are able to stand.

There has been good advice given thus far. My input..

You need to get your legal action moving forward again. This time do not let him intimidate you. He's a bully.

I recommend you work with your eldest son, and his gf from this point on. They are mature enough, and would be envaluable. 3 heads are better then one. Resourcing finances can be brainstormed by the three of you.
Any financial benefit to you will have an indirect/direct benefit to them. They have a real stake in this. If you dont do anything, or if you leave it any longer, it will result in that entitlement going to his sidekick, and eventually to who she wants it to go to.

Dont let this happen. Stand up for your children.

Hope this helps you.


Coreofsteel posted 3/1/2019 00:01 AM

I'm sorry you're not doing well. It sounds as though you're really struggling. Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms? Please keep posting here. We care.

brokendreamer posted 3/1/2019 12:15 PM

I am so grateful everyone for your support and excellent advice. I have today ordered 2 self help books, including the one recommended by Chamomile Tea From Abandonment to healing, thank you.

I have an appointment with my solicitor next Wednesday, so hopefully I can start moving forward again with the divorce

I love cooking and helping the elderly so am going to look into volunteering one day a week to start, doing some cooking and chores for an elderly person needing help.

I have also made an appointment for Monday to see my GP again and to be completely honest about how I am feeling and not coping so well.

It is strange because I was doing better 6 months ago than I am now, I appear to have sunk very low, kind of going backwards rather than forwards.

I am not ashamed to admit that I do not want to live the rest of my life alone, I'm a very loving person and would eventually want to find someone special to share my life with. I just cannot enviage that happening, due to my lack of trust and low self esteem and at my age. I will go explore the moving on forum to see how others in similar situations have fared.

This site was my lifeline in the first few months and once again you wonderful people are there for me to help gently lift me.

Thank you from the bottom of a very broken, but loving heart, I appreciate every word and will do my very best to implement your advice. In the meantime, please bear with me as I flounder around putting my feelings down here, it helps so much. love and healing wishes to all x

2ManyMigraines posted 3/1/2019 13:46 PM

Sending you good wishes for strength and peace, Broken, and sending up prayers for you too.

brokendreamer posted 3/1/2019 14:01 PM

I really appreciate that, thank you so much
BD x

Superesse posted 3/1/2019 14:39 PM

(((brokendreamer))) My heart goes out to you! I think your feelings are very logical effects of the long-term pain you've (apparently always) dealt with in your Family of Origin, coupled with physical PTSD after an assault, topped off by the stunningly cruel way way your WH ripped off your years of hard work and left you so coldly. Plus, menopause...I mean, who wouldn't be at a low point?

"Taking it one day at at time, now" is good advice. I am pleased you are taking action as other posters have reached out to suggest; that is so great. I promise it will make you feel better to be doing things with your loving heart, helping others in their oldest and most vulnerable years. I know volunteering at a senior center and later an assisted living center for 6 years, helped save my sanity and sense of who I was, right after my marriage blew up - and my elderly father handled the news the same way as yours did...almost word for word!

The love I was blocked from sharing with most of my family members, I was able to find a way to share with a few seniors, and they gave that appreciation and love back to me, in equal measure or more! We must not let our family's opinions of us shape our souls!!

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