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Wait staff

Lavenderrose posted 1/14/2019 06:57 AM

So I am dating again. And so far it is fun but nothing serious yet.

I did have a trigger that surprised me.
My date was a bit too charming with our waitress. I know him well (friends since age 20). So i know he is like this with everyone. And honestly this is a trait i share. It wasn't over the top but it reminded me of feelings that i have been happy without.

Do others find flirty waitstaff challenging?

One wonders if i will in fact ever be ready for an actual relationship.


EvenKeel posted 1/14/2019 07:20 AM

What I found helpful was to continually remind myself that 'whoever I was dating' was NOT my ex.

I kept reminding myself to judge that person by the characteristics and traits that showed me.

I reminded myself not to make the next guy pay for my past.

Finally, it does get to a point where you don't have to remind yourself of those things.

I am with you though. A guy that is flirty with the wait staff is a turn off to me. That poor girl doesn't need 50 guys a day calling her honey or sweetie. If you appreciate her service, show her in the tip sir.

One wonders if i will in fact ever be ready for an actual relationship.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It IS a process. Things will trip you up and trigger you. What is important is you recognize those so you can slowly deal with them. Be honest with your new guy as well. If something (like this) bothers you - he will go out of his way to correct it if he cares.

shakentocore posted 1/14/2019 09:33 AM

I guess some depends on the context.

As the mother of a teenaged girl, I would be disgusted if a man my age (late 40s) flirted with a young girl. Not because of infidelity issues, but because it’s gross and disrespectful to the server. She’s not interested in you; she has to play nice to get a tip. I don’t think it’s right to call wait staff “sweetheart” or “hon” either. “Sir” or “Miss” or their name if they give it.

If the server is your age? I think you can tell the difference between friendly to everyone and flirting.

Amusing story - one of my friends (my age) took her boyfriend out to dinner for his birthday. Her boyfriend is attractive (as is my friend), and the waitress was heavily flirting with him. Not sure if it was to get a big tip or because he was attractive or both. She was not attentive to my friend AT ALL. When the waitress placed the bill on the table, my friend picked up the bill, paid, left a small tip and wrote on the bill that since the waitress only paid attention to 1/2 of the table, she was only getting 1/2 of a tip.

TrustGone posted 1/16/2019 11:29 AM

I remember the same trigger. It took me awhile because both of my XWH's always flirted with the wait staff (I was the waitstaff. That's how I met XWH#1). It actually made me mad when either one would tip the male waitstaff less than they tipped the female waitstaff who was not as attentive to us (XWH#2 always tipped the females more no matter what). I know I told my new husband not to call the waitstaff enduring names like "honey" or "sweetie". It was disrespectful to me and to them. He had no idea that it bothered me or them because he really didn't mean it to sound disrespectful and I believed him. It was just the way he had always addressed them. Since the discussion he stopped doing it because he knew it bothered me and he always tips the males and females the same according to the service we get. If it bothers you, tell him so.

Catwoman posted 1/16/2019 11:56 AM

Flirting or friendly banter?

There's a difference.

My SO is the king of nonsensical banter with everyone. It is just his way of being friendly. There are no sexual overtones--just very friendly and open.

If it was sexual in any way, shape or form, I would feel differently.

Cat

Unhinged posted 1/16/2019 12:27 PM

20+ years in the restaurant biz. It's not flirting. It's the desire for a good tip. I know that it can and will annoy or bother some people and I always encouraged wait staff to be careful.

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