SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve read so many replies, including to my own story, where some folks feel it is important to out the cheater to friends & family.

I’d like to know the reasons for doing this? What does it accomplish? Or does it accomplish anything?

My very first thought was....NO WAY do I want my kids to ever know! It would hurt them so badly and there is already enough hurt, fear, animosity, anger, frustration and a myriad of other negative emotions clouding the air. Why include them in that mess? To what end?

Regardless of his selfish and stupid choices his children love and admire him. He’s always been an incredible father. Why alter their impression of him? His cheating on me now doesn’t change his devotion to them.

And then the rest of the family and friends? Again...why should they also be part of the hurt? What did they do to deserve having this type of horrible information dumped on them?

Not to mention....we all know there will be that percentage of people who will question what *I* did wrong to cause this to happen. Right, wrong or otherwise....there will be people who will do this and then I’m dished out more guilt....warranted or not.

I’d love to hear opinions on the pros/cons of outing a cheating spouse to others in our life.

My decision was determined by my D-day. She was embarrassed, contrite, and willing to do what ever it takes to work it out. ( turns out she wasn't that willing to do the hard work, but...)

If your are considering R, I would be careful about who you confide in. Kids and family don't necessarily need to know. Even if you are successful, they are likely to hold a different opinion of your husband from now on.

I would alway out to the other BS. At some point, who finds out is beyond your control, as other people do know.

You can always tells later, but you cannot untell someone.

I think it’s more about being honest and forthright with your friends and family. How can u lean on them for support if they don’t know the truth of what you’re going through?

Also, exposing his affair might make it harder for him to continue it.

Another factor in getting your version of the truth out there is because cheaters almost always try to claim they were lonely, neglected, abused and/or sex deprived.

And just for the record, he’s not a good father. He’s willing to blow up their world for illicit sex and adultery. He’s willing to let them suffer the shame of his transgressions. He’s treating their mother terribly. He’s exposing their mother to potentially life threatening disease. And that’s not even counting the time and money he has spent on his adulterous activities. Time and money that should be spent on his family. IMHO, of course.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:09 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Besides all of the reasons mentioned above, I think if you want to R, the WS needs to remember the A as something embarrassing and the one thing that made him/her lose their respect and integrity, the one thing that shattered their world and not remember the A as something beautiful and romantic, it needs to remembered as something ugly and shameful that way if R is successful they will think twice about cheating again, plus it's the truth, not to lie to your loved ones shows you're the honest one and the one who has integrity, kids can be told in a sanitized way. Infidelity is generally viewed as something bad, so many times friends can offer good advice and support, instead of just hearing it from you.

If you don't try to R, then of course telling the truth won't let him control the whole narrative of why the M failed.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:05 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

I should clarify a few things to help those taking the time to reply.

The cheating was paid rub & tug. He has ED and the encounters were unsuccessful.

And then texts (800+ over 62 days) with someone he met at work (not a coworker) which was ended shortly after I found out.

I’ve been tracking his every move since the day I found out, including his time at work, and feel 99% confident (the remaining 1% is for self preservation...fool me once and all that) he has stopped all this behavior as he said he would.

He has complied with every request I make for counseling and additional help and his remorse seems genuine.

I think my discoveries had an impactful effect on him and his choice of behaviors. I may discover that I’m wrong....but at the moment he appears 100% committed to repairing the damage he caused. Took him weeks to stop blaming me but the day he did that I think everything became much clearer for the both of us.

The kids are all in their late 20’s/early 30’s and out of the house for 5+ years and he was 100% present the entire time we were raising them. Truly a very devoted father.

I have zero reason to suspect any transgressions happened prior to Oct. 2018.

But even aside from my own personal story, I’m truly interested in learning why it might be important to tell others.

For me it was just for my own self-respect. When I found out I was devastated and was not going to tell anyone at first but then I heard from my MIL who said she was so sorry that things just weren't going to work out with my WW and that she hoped that I would take this lesson forward to improve myself so that I would be easier to live with for my next relationship. I just couldn't let my WW tell everyone that the D was my fault for being such an asshole so I started telling everyone that said something similar, "Yes I hope that in the future I will be able to improve my ability to select a partner that won't have sex with other guys while on a vacation with me". Shut people up pretty quick.

@beenthereinco, truly an inspired come back. Props, brother.

I did it because OW, x friend, was telling mutual friends she didn't know why I didn't like her anymore ....

Inpieces,

I give you a few reasons to expose.

* it puts more eyes on your WH

* it moves some of the hurt from you to him where it belongs

* he did the crime and cannot expect to escape with his reputation intact. If someone robs a bank they are publicized.

* it will make him think twice about doing it again.

* it keeps you from having to lie for your H when people ask you how are you doing.

* it keeps you from having to lie to your children.

* it provides more support for you, so you don't have to suffer in silence.

* particularly with paid services it protects you financially, my BIL must have blown over 100K on prostitutes over time.

* he is getting off lightly, in Saudi Arabia they stone adulterers.

Ditto Blues power and Josiep. I outed the affair because I needed support from my friends and family. No one accused me of causing the affair. If he’s embarrassed by it he shouldn’t have done it.

My pros;

We trying to R and I think it best to not have family against her in the process.

Saves the kids some hurt and respect for their mother.

Cons;

I’m the only set of eyes watching her and without knowing her history, friends and family might give her the benefit of the doubt if they think she’s doing something that might be fishy.

It isolates me from my real life support system.

If she were in an active A I would expose her to every one. If we do D, I’d certainly tell everyone why.

"Yes I hope that in the future I will be able to improve my ability to select a partner that won't have sex with other guys while on a vacation with me".

Beenthereinco, I think that certainly would qualify as a good reason for outing a cheater!

Survrus,

Thanks for that detailed list and I can see some value in some of those reasons....but I still would hesitate hurting my kids for any of those reasons.

Maybe if I were faced with my spouse saying things that weren’t true to make things appear to be my fault but even then I wonder if I would hesitate.

I just can’t help but wonder how badly it would hurt them to know this man who has always been there for them...for us, would somehow now be willing to hurt their mom so badly.

While that may punish him for his stupid choices I fear it would hurt them even worse.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and opinions with me. I really appreciate it.

I think it’s more about being honest and forthright with your friends and family. How can u lean on them for support if they don’t know the truth of what you’re going through?

Josiep,

Yeah, I guess if I were relying on them for support it would be necessary.

But most of my family, aside from my kids, are either deceased or not in good health, aside from my brother but we don’t have that type of relationship.

For friends....I did tell one and regret doing so.

Her advice was anything but helpful.

I’m relying mostly upon counseling for support.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

If you decide not to expose him then he should at least...

Write out a timeline who, what, where, when, why and how. All details, no omissions.

Take him to get a polygraph.

You are not hurting your family your H already did.

Prostitutes can be a very strong addiction and a dangerous one too. This may be a habit he has had for years.

With your further info, I don’t think there’s any reason to share any of it. My thoughts were for someone with young children who is cheating with an affair partner and continuing to do so.

I guess I’d consider your H to be less of a cheater and more of someone trying to reclaim his sexuality in inappropriate ways. If that makes sense.

InPieces36,

I know many here advise to blow up the cheater's world by telling everyone, including children. I am completely against this for many reasons. I see no need for a parent to be completely destroyed in a child's eyes if that person has been a good parent - no matter what their age. Nothing good comes from that. Yes, if the cheater has been telling the children lies about why you're divorcing or having trouble, you might have to tell them. But, if not, I see no reason to drag them into the marital troubles. Marital troubles are between two spouses or partners - not the children.

I've known a couple of people whose spouses told everyone they knew about their affair. It was just ugly and the children were so damaged - even those that were grown and out of the house. It affected them terribly and I'm sorry but I just see no reason to do that.

Honestly, in the end, I think when children are grown and if they find out on their own they will look at the parent who didn't tell them in a much more positive light; they will appreciate that their parent didn't try to destroy their relationship with the other parent. JMHO

I get that people think it means there are more eyes on them, etc. But honestly, if a person wants to continue cheating it isn't going to matter how many eyes are on them. They're still going to cheat.

I believe outing the affair can be beneficial. Affairs thrive in secrecy. If my H is embarrassed by his choices then he shouldn’t have made them. He struggled to end the affair on dday 1. Telling people about my trauma made it real to him - all the skittle-farting-unicorn-fairy-dust evaporated immediately. He harboured no special memories or fantasies of his AP because he was so shamed being a pathetic cliche.

I exposed because it’s my story - my life and the infidelity impacted me greatly. It affected everything. My job, my family, my mental and physical health - my financial security. I didn’t tell my children - but they knew. They noticed my falling apart and started eavesdropping. Children hate not being able to make sense of their own reality. I did have to tell them eventually when they were coming to the wrong assumptions about what had occurred.

He exposed his affair to his dad and workplace when he needed support removing himself from the cOW’s work station. I told friends and my family. I like to consider myself a walking, talking public service announcement. I love educating people about the realities of infidelity. It also allowed some colleagues to share their own pain they were keeping secret out of misplaced shame. Others who haven’t experienced infidelity can now come to me should they ever find themselves victimized by their spouses.

That being said - I agree with others that a good father doesn’t sacrifice his family’s security to get his rocks off. A good father doesn’t risk the mental health of his children’s mother. But I agree with you - I don’t think I’d tell he nitty gritty details of the prostitution stuff. I think that would hurt them too much. If they are adults and living out of the house then chances are they won’t be able to learn of it on their own. If you don’t see a need to share it with anyone then don’t. Just don’t isolate yourself or deny your own truth of your reality. Don’t sacrifice your need for a potential support system to protect a false reputation he didn’t give a shit about.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:57 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

A big thing is you just don’t want to live a life of lying...either of you. You don’t want to live in two worlds, the one of the outer veneer and the other of the internal, with tons of continual effort to build up and support the fake one for the rest of the world while you are alone with the “real” one. It is hard work the consumes you, and you are literally “living a lie” while you do it. As much as the WS lived a lie. It’s a gift from them to you, but you don’t have to accept it.

It doesn’t mean you go around telling everybody what goes on. Most of my internal life stays right in my noggin.

It also doesn’t mean you have to out him. It’s your business to share or not, whether you want to or not. None of our family knows directly (but families know things anyway).

A big one for me is I won’t share her lie. If she says something that depends on her credibility as a forever faithful spouse, I’ll call her on it. Not in public, but I’ll remind her that if the listeners knew her truth, that it would have changed everything about that moment.

Anyway, there’s a path between living a lie and putting up billboards everywhere that lets you live an honest life tailored to your needs. Hope you find it!

Sending strength!