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Wife cheated...one than one affair

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firenze posted 12/30/2018 16:22 PM

My question to everyone is how long til I feel normal again?

This answer is different for every single person and depends not only on your individual temperament but on what you choose to do both individually and with your marriage following DDay.

If you choose to stay with your WW despite her repeated infidelities, her lack of remorse, and her evidently unmanaged mental illness, you will never feel normal again. You'll always be paranoid and full of anxiety, you'll have DDay after DDay, and you'll be miserable and angry.

If you leave, you'll still have difficult days ahead but you won't be trapping yourself in a situation that inevitably brings you pain. I was full steam ahead with divorce following DDay and it still took me about a year before I started to feel like my old self again.

MrSadman posted 12/31/2018 09:40 AM

I separated our bank accounts today...I feel hopeful about a new future now but also sad because its really real now. We are getting a divorce. Im done being lied to and used.

goalong posted 12/31/2018 09:45 AM

Every end is a new beginning. Wishing you the new year filled with peace and content. Hope DD is still in your life. Show your colors - resolve and progress is sexy

Marriagesucks posted 12/31/2018 09:52 AM

I think you're making the right decision. She really hasn't given you much to work with... as in nothing. Her actions have made that quite clear. You will start feeling better as soon as you realize you are in control of your own destiny.

LtCdrLost posted 12/31/2018 09:53 AM

We are getting a divorce. I'm done being lied to and used.

Sir, I commend you on your resolve to move forward. You can do far better than a faithless wife who denigrates & demeans your manhood.

WorstClubEver posted 12/31/2018 10:08 AM

Hey Mr. Sadman,

(())

You won't always be this sadman your WW has made you. You're going to get through this, and rediscover what life can be when you are not at the mercy of someone else's mental illness.

I spent my childhood with a BPD mother and a father who suffered from her chronic infidelity and other insanity for decades. It was scarring for all of us (I have 2 siblings).

You are doing the right thing. BPD is impossible to repair. Your STBXWW will never change. I am glad you are removing yourself from her sphere of power.

I think once you get a little distance, you will start to feel a great burden being lifted from you. You will start to feel like yourself again. I bet you don't even realize how long it's been since you didn't feel like you were walking on eggshells, living for someone else, trying to solve an unsolvable riddle.

I really feel for you, and am so relieved for you, even though I know the grief is hard.

Please keep us posted. Let us know how you are doing.

NoOptTo posted 12/31/2018 10:42 AM

I'm glad your choosing to keep your self respect and begin moving out of infidelity. Continue to detach from her. Only speak to her about your child and finances. She firednyou6from being her care taker, so dont get sucked into her emotional pleas. Be civil, do not argue. Maybe get a VAR to keep on you in case she tries to claim a false domestic violence charge on you. Life will soon get better once she is out for good.

xhz700 posted 12/31/2018 11:00 AM

I'm the guy that says "BPD = leave".

BPD = leave.

twisted posted 12/31/2018 11:37 AM

I hate to admit it, but I agree with htz700. Few BPD's will stay on their meds, or take the effort to make sure they are under control. When they aren't, there is no rational thought process you can deal with.
I've been called stubborn and/or stupid for staying with my fWW after her A's, but I don't think I'd stay around to see if she was BPD. Too much work, too much risk, and life is too short.

Krieger posted 12/31/2018 11:54 AM

There is no timetable, but it is probably going to take over a year. First you still have all the legal issues and then you have to be in a position to get back in the saddle again. You can't rush those things as it isn't fair to the next gal to drag baggage from the old relationship into the new. BPD is a horrible thing and the manic mind does not see things like most folks. You need and deserve an equal and loving partner.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/2/2019 08:23 AM

Congrats on moving toward divorce. The woman you're married to is a serial cheater. You probably saw signs of her wayward behavior before you married her but you thought she'd change her ways for you. Well, like 99% of serial cheaters, she didn't. She doesn't know what love is, she thrives on excitement to the detriment of any meaningful relationship. She'll always be that way. BPD has no influence on morals. You either have them or you don't. She obviously doesn't. Be thankful that you're finding this out now while you have a chance to move on and find a real woman. Take time to learn from this; train yourself to recognize these type of women so you don't pick the same type again. Enjoy your freedom from drama and a life of mental pain. Take care of yourself.

MrSadman posted 1/5/2019 12:30 PM

I backslid guys...on new years I sent her a bunch of texts telling her how much I still loved her. I feel so pathetic. I hurt myself all over again. I even slept with her again. I thought we could....I dont know what I was thinking. I could just sense she didnt care for me at all. I thought we could be friends or something. I just felt awkward afterward.

Why did I do this to myself?

fareast posted 1/5/2019 12:57 PM

Donít feel bad. Youíre just human. You love your WW or the person you thought she was. We have all done it. Just get back on the trail. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:43 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Krieger posted 1/5/2019 13:07 PM

Why did I do this to myself?

I give up why? Actually, the answer is easy and many of us have been there. You still love this woman and that just doesn't go away in a day. You are going to be riding an emotional rollercoaster for awhile. Don't beat yourself up about the set backs, just know that it happens.

You way too much focus on her and not enough focus on you. Concentrate on your job, education, hobby, friends, or other family. If you still have time, volunteer to help others who would appreciate your time. You need to get so busy with your life that you don't have time to think about hers.

GoldenR posted 1/5/2019 15:32 PM

you asked if your spouse ever loves you? I say of course. I believe she does now as well.

No...ppl that truly love their spouses don't cheat.

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