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Wife than one affair

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MrSadman posted 12/29/2018 14:25 PM

I am a 29 year old male and on 12/20 I confronted my wife of 8 years about a receipt for condoms and a hundred dollar withdrawal I found from the night before when I was working over night. She confessed to cheating with a co worker of hers at the job. She says it has been going on a little over a month but that night was the first time they were able to have sex. She says the 100 was for a hotel room.

This is my wife supposedly 2nd affair the first known affair was about 5 years into our marriage, which I had forgiven her for.

She refused to answer more questions when pressed saying she doesn't want to hurt me more. But she did imply that she had more than the now 2 affairs I know about.

I asked her what she got from the OM that she didnt get from me and she says "He makes me feel like a woman." She wouldnt clarify what that meant except to say I dont initiate sex enough its primary her. (Which I would say is mostly true.)

I have since left the house (Its her parents house)in the time since she has continued to see the OM. She seems happy while I am living apart from my family in Pure HELL.

Im hurting so bad right now. Ten days out and it feels worse not better... I felt almost suicidal this morning. I dont feel like hurting myself anymore but I dont know what to do. She hurt me so bad but I miss her so much!

Just FYI back in Oct. she was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar disorder after a suicide attempt.

firenze posted 12/29/2018 14:43 PM

Sadman, sorry you're here. This is the club nobody wants to join.

You may not see it, but your wife is a mess. She's a serial cheater, she insults your manhood, she's currently carrying on with her current AP without remorse, and she has BPD. This is someone you are better off without than with. Her BPD makes her virtually incapable of having healthy relationships with anyone, and that includes you.

Your primary goal right now needs to be working on yourself rather than worrying about your WW. Focus on your work, your health, and your mental well-being. Explore why you're missing someone who treats you so terribly. Start detaching yourself from your WW and preparing to move on from infidelity whether she chooses to join you or not.

Wool94 posted 12/29/2018 14:49 PM

MrSadman, I'm so sorry you've had a reason to find us. We've all been in your shoes.

First and foremost, let's talk about you.

Right now you should focus on yourself. You've been hurt in one of the most painful ways.

If you have any more suicidal thoughts, get help.
Call the suicide hotline or 911. Suicide is not a joke and we understand your situation here.

See your dr. Your probably dealing with anxiety, depression or loss of appetite. They can help with all of those.

The most important thing though is to get an STD test.

I probably don't need to explain that.

You need to be in self care mode at the moment.

Eat when you can. If you can't eat, use protein shakes.

Stay away from alcohol. You need a clear head right now.

Exercise, it helps in more ways than i can list.

Find someone to confide in. A pastor, friend, family member, random stranger on the street or in the internet (lol).

Please take care of yourself and keep posting. The weekend can be slow.

Ponus18 posted 12/29/2018 15:23 PM

Iím sorry youíre here. I likewise was married to a serial cheater.

I just wanted to let you know that itís not you. Itís her. Sheís broken. Sheís 100 percent responsible for her actions, not you.

I know itís hard to accept but your W will not change. Sheís had multiple affairs and she will continue with more in the future, including currently apparently right in front of your face.

You have to decide if youíre ok with living your life like that or not. I was not ok with it and so I filed for D the day I found out and havenít looked back. That, after 18 years of M, probably more than half of which she was unfaithful.

You donít need to live your life in infidelity if you choose not to.

Sending strength.

Buster123 posted 12/29/2018 15:55 PM

Your WW is a SERIAL CHEATER and has way too many issues, not remorseful, the A is still ongoing, BPD, etc., please just file for D without warning and EXPOSE her with All family and close friends, get tested for STDs and don't look back. After a couple of years you will look back and realize it was the best decision you ever made.

Crushed7 posted 12/29/2018 17:46 PM

I am living apart from my family

If this means that you have children, please see a lawyer ASAP and take steps immediately to protect them. Your wife is a self-centered, serial cheating, manipulative person who could claim that you abandoned her and the kids thereby gaining custody and financial advantages. While that isn't fair to you, it is even worse for the kids as every moment of her influence shapes and molds their potential future.

Happenedtome2 posted 12/29/2018 17:54 PM

Forget about your wife for a minute. Let's please focus on you. If you ever feel suicidal please call the suicide hotline. They are experts and will absolutely help you. I spoke to them due to my WW and they were very helpful. It is hard. Ibam living in the aftermath and trying to decide what to do. I assure you, it IS going to get better FOR YOU. Chances are her OM is going to find someone else if he doesn't mind preying on other people's wives. WW will be left to the damage she caused while you build a better you. We will help you.

MrSadman posted 12/29/2018 20:52 PM

Thank you everyone for your words. This situation is so messed up. We do have a DD. But it's actually my step daughter we raised her together since she was 1. I'm the only father she has ever known. If I file for D she will lose health coverage.

I don't know what to do. I start separating our finances next week.

Beyond that the doubt is killing me. We were together for 10 years, married 8. She texted me while she was with him saying she loved me the night she was cheating. Makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all? And why do I still care for her after what she did to me?

Can you really pretend that long?

fareast posted 12/29/2018 21:14 PM


Sorry you are going thru this but you have received some great advice. Please take care of yourself. If you feel suicidal call a hotline. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Try to exercise and get sleep. Gently, your WW is a serial cheater who knows she can get away with it since there were no consequences the last time. Your WW is showing you the ultimate disrespect. Please value yourself. You need to take action. You are a young man with a good future ahead of yourself. Please do not accept this abuse. Get tested for STDís, see an attorney and file for D. Expose her to her family and friends. If the OM is married inform the OBS. She deserves to know she is living a lie. Read and implement the 180 to detach from your cheater. No contact except for childcare and finances. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:04 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

goalong posted 12/29/2018 21:19 PM

she was with him saying she loved me the night she was cheating.

she want to keep all options open. that is how cheating mind works. do not look for any reasoning in what cheaters do or say.
Are you living alone? Try to be with people who cares about you. It is very beneficial when you feel bad. Looks like she has not respected the marriage vows most of the time. You are young and it seems patching up with someone with little regard to the marriage, you are asking for continuing anguish. Unless she genuinely change and you can get over her cheating, it is better to call it quit. Do you have legal rights to the child, then can take care of her even if you divorce

The way it works is as long as the BS dance the cheater keep cheating because the cheater need to know BS still care to fully enjoy cheating. The moment BS show resolve like 180 or filing, the cheater cannot enjoy heating as much. What is your attachment to her , physical, emotional or both. It cannot be much emotional because of the way she treated you in your marriage. Do your other responsibilities like job and taking care of the kid even better, get some positive anger, that kind of resolve is sexy and your WW will also notice that. From what you have described the best option is to make it quit and make your life better, Much more worse things happen to people and still they get up and carry on
PS. for 8 years did not you think of kids? you seems to like kids

[This message edited by goalong at 9:59 PM, December 29th (Saturday)]

StillLivin posted 12/30/2018 02:34 AM

Your wife is an unremorseful serial cheater. There is nothing to work with. If you're ok with a one-sided open marriage you can stick around. However, if you're not, run like hell in the other direction. You do not need to catch AIDS from her in the future. Life is too short.

TimSC posted 12/30/2018 12:18 PM

Your wife does not love you. She loves the safe haven and support you give while she is free to screw other men.

Get out.

MrSadman posted 12/30/2018 12:36 PM

Everyone's advice has been really sobering...I appropriate it. I'm working the 180 to detach but its hard because of the holidays and our DD's birthday tomorrow. Plus I think I still love her, I know I shouldnt but I do. For so long I have defined myself as a family man but without them Im struggling to know who I am as a person.

Krieger posted 12/30/2018 12:59 PM

Part of the problem now is you are missing the relationship that you thought that you with your wife. This is compounded by the fact that instead of working on any marital issues she may have had, she chose to be unfaithful and lie to you about the situation. You are mourning the death of this relationship that you held dear, and this will just take time. You will have good days and bad days and that just takes time to overcome.

The insurance shouldn't change until you actually divorce, get with HR to verify. You will in all likelihood lose the relationship with your stepdaughter, it happened to me and that is unfortunate.

She may appear to be doing better in the short run, but she will probably be her own worst enemy in the long run. If she cheated with this guy, she will probably cheat on him later. None of this is your concern and you need to concentrate your efforts on you. You need to do a few things:

a. Consult with an attorney if you have not already done so.
b. Exercise is good for your physical and mental health and make you more attractive when the time comes to get out and mingle.
c. Take care of your money, you can buy a new house or car, but don't give one away out of pity or misplaced loyalty. She will probably play the pity card, so beware.
d. Make your own separation agreement, staying ahead of the game is always helpful. Remember you have time on your side, she needs to make things final to move on with life.

[This message edited by Krieger at 1:36 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

goalong posted 12/30/2018 13:06 PM

.I appropriate it. I'm working the 180 to detach but its hard because of the holidays and our DD's birthday tomorrow

you cannot 180 while you are physically away. That is the ideal stage to show 180. Be all can you be with DD while answer only essential questions from WW. Again resolve is sexy, keep your head high, do not plead. when she feel 180 she will not be happy with the OM. You are young detach from infidelity either way- making her commit (less likely) or dropping her. From what you describe WW is not a trophy. Make this (to get out of infidelity and thrive in your life) your new year resolution

[This message edited by goalong at 1:10 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]

Svon posted 12/30/2018 13:20 PM

MrSadman, you asked if your spouse ever loves you? I say of course. I believe she does now as well. That being said she is severely broken and in need of intense mental health treatment to ever love herself or anyone else fully. She doesnít love the OM either. Healthy and happy people donít cheat and itís a myth that the unhappiness has anything to do with the existing marriage. Your wife is filling a void in her that no one can fill. I know many have said to leave her and that is certainly good advice. However, it wouldnít be crazy to think that you love this woman and your step daughter enough to at least try to see if she will seek the help she needs. Will she get help? Does she want to a better wife, mother, and person? Work towards what you want from life. It may be a fresh start if it may be to help someone you love be a better person. No shame in any choice and neither decision is permanent if you donít want it to be.

Michigan posted 12/30/2018 13:54 PM

We do have a DD. But it's actually my step daughter we raised her together since she was 1. I'm the only father she has ever known. If I file for D she will lose health coverage.

She texted me while she was with him saying she loved me the night she was cheating. Makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all?

I asked her what she got from the OM that she didnt get from me and she says "He makes me feel like a woman."


At the most optimistic she does love you but itís like a brother (but it seems she doesnít mind hurting her brother).

You provide her and her daughter with stability and health insurance. The other men provide her with fun. She has a one way open marriage with you paying the bills.

Why would she give that life up? Would it be due to guild or shame? She appears to have neither of those.

As I said your value to her is the stability and security you provide. Sheís like a teen age girl sneaking out of her dadís house to date boys her dad doesnít approve of. The only leverage the dad has is to kick her out of the house if she doesnít straighten up.

If she knows that she can date other guys and never lose your support why in the world would she ever stop dating them?

Sknippen posted 12/30/2018 14:00 PM

Hello i am sorry for you for you're messy situation. You're wife is not marriage material. She suffers from several disorders and probably has no emphaty. It is not you're fault. She is a serial cheater and has broke you're hart. But she also has broken the hart of her daughter and she will break a lot's of harts in the future.Don't be her victim and be strong. You are still young and there are other woman who are worthy of you're love. Time will heal you're wounds. Do not fall in her trap. as you said she is messaging you she loves you while she is sleeping with OM. Never believe her and never trust her. Be hard and go no contact. The pain is immense but you will survive this.

Marriagesucks posted 12/30/2018 14:43 PM

It is time to see a lawyer NOW. What the hell! She is spending your hard earned money for a hotel... AND condoms. What kind of cheap OM bastard did she hook up with? The POSOM is a total loser and douchebag. In effect she is paying this asshole for sex. She is a terrible role model for your step daughter.

MrSadman posted 12/30/2018 16:00 PM

Thanks again everyone. Especially you Svon. I hope it isn't just because its kind of what I wanted to hear. My question to everyone is how long til I feel normal again?

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