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Wife cheated, now what?

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KickedAside posted 12/5/2018 16:30 PM

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. I found out on Nov 4, 2018 that she was having an EA and there was one incident of PA (that she admits to). I had been suspicious for a month or so. I can’t describe how I became suspicious it was a bunch of small changes in her personality. I talked to her about my suspicion, I asked if there was ANYTHING I needed to know, if there was someone else. She always denied everything. I felt like I was going crazy. She actually recommended I seek counseling. So I did. Between my 2nd and 3rd session, I intercepted her text messages to/from him. The messages were very explicit in their detail of how much they enjoyed their rendezvous. I was devastated. We have 3 kids together. 1 is an adult and the other two are teen and preteen. 20 years of marriage. In that time I recall her making absolute declarations that I was the only man she would ever love and be with. I confronted her that afternoon. It was an ugly incident. I raged, I said mean things. I wanted her out of my house, she was dirt to me...etc. I told her to go somewhere, I didn’t care where. She refused, she wanted to be in the house with me and the kids. Eventually I calmed and allowed her to stay. We talked extensively and still do. Many of the discussions are painful for both of us but things need to be said. I truly believe she was seduced by a man who is an expert at getting what he wants from women. My wife has always been “taken care of”. Not necessarily a Princess but either her father or myself always took care of situations. So she met a handsome fellow, he saw a “prize” to be had, a challenge to accept. What better prize than to bed a long time married woman. He applied his charms. He probed and discovered that our marriage wasn’t perfect and filled in the void she needed. For months they texted. He used obvious tactics of playing with her emotions. Flowery language, hot and cold attention and eventually she became the chaser and he sat back until she was ready to initiate the betrayal of her marriage vows. She admits to sending and receiving nude pictures. She admitted to reserving the hotel room and making all the arraignments. She admits to walking out of our home with plans to having sex with him. She even told me he was very late to arrive and she waited hours until he arrived and then had him. She wanted him. Now that I have discovered the affair, she claims to have no contact with him at all. I have difficulty believing her for obvious reasons. I monitor her text messages, she knows I do. She doesn’t know I monitor her Facebook Messenger, her email and her location. I feel dirty sometimes spying on her but I have so much hurt and she lied and deceived me for so long. How can I trust her to be honest. We are seeing a marriage counselor. We have committed ourselves to repairing our relationship. We both understand it will a long difficult road ahead of us. We express our love for one another. But I have doubt sometimes. For example, her lover does not want to have her as a GF or spouse, she knows this and understands he was after her body. In fact, during the discovery/confrontation, I called his cell phone and left a message to the effect that she is trash and he can have her. He has not tried to contact her at all that I have been able to detect. This is after 3 months of daily texting. Either he is done with her and moved on, after getting what he wanted and seeing that there will be no more future rendezvous. OR they have found an untraceable method to communicate. So she is bending over backward to please and satisfy me. Sounds great right? But at times it seems insincere. It feels like she knows I’m her last resort for a stable lifestyle. So I wait and monitor. It has been a month since I found out about the affair and there has been no apparent contact between them. My wife is supremely confident he won't try to contact her. I question why not. He has a lot of energy and thought invested in her. Why wouldn't he at least try to see where things stand. What I want is closure that their communications have ended. I wait and monitor for either his probing and her reaction OR for her to update her BFF, that knew about them long before I did, how things are going between them or that things have ended. Unfortunately they see each other face to face on a weekly basis. So it may take awhile. I have access to her Itunes account, I established the password years ago for her. I have seen every single app she has downloaded, ever. There are a few chat/messaging apps on the list. KiK, Snapchat, FB Messanger and Twitter I have tried to search his and her names on all the individual apps. No accounts are registered to her 2 known email accounts. As far as I can tell he doesn't even have a Facebook account. So here I sit, waiting and monitoring. The only other method I can think of for them to communicate is a phone I don't know about. I have searched her car and found nothing. She could possibly leave it at work. That is when most of their texting occurred.

GoldenR posted 12/5/2018 16:41 PM

I truly believe she was seduced by a man who is an expert at getting what he wants from women

This is the only part that I'm going to address for now, as I have very little time...

Stop trying to make your wife the victim. There's only one victim in what happened, and it's you. In fact, you are the INTENDED victim, as she was damn well aware that only one person could truly get hurt from her having sex with a boyfriend: YOU.

She knew that and she fucked him anyway.

He didn't take advantage of her. She's not a child. You made no mention of any mental disabilities with your wife.

SHE IS A GROWN ASS ADULT, and SHE decided to betray you, her husband that she was supposed to be true to. Her boyfriend made no vows to you. Only she did.

Stop making her out to be a victim.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 4:42 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Jduff posted 12/5/2018 16:44 PM

The constant monitoring is not reconciliation, KickedAside. It should be your wayward wife that's bending over backwards to be transparent of her contacts and her whereabouts. Those chat apps she on the phone? They should be deleted, not constantly monitored. Her friend that knew all along about her affair? She needs to be out of your lives. I would hold off marriage counseling for the time being. You both should be going to individual therapy instead. There are specific requirements you need to explore for reconciliation, lik her writing out a complete timeline of her affair and sending no a contact letter/message to her affair partner. They are listed in the Healing Library over there on the left of this page. Other members will fill you in on what those are. I already mentioned full transparency. Bottom line, KickedAside, she needs to convince you she can be a safe person again for you. Without that, you will never feel comfortable with her in a relationship with you.

Marz posted 12/5/2018 16:51 PM

If the other man is married inform his wife. That's the best first step. Do not tell your wife before.

Her best friend is an enabler and an enemy to your marriage she must be cut off immediately and permantley.

Do not grant her Reconcilliation up front. Take your time and think about what you want.

Her other man may very well be a low classed player/cheater but your wife is the one who betrayed you. Most betrayed spouses in your position like to think that their spouse just wouldn't do this. Well she did. Other man played a big part but your wayward wife made a very conscious and willing decision to cheat. Do they work together????

Make no mistake this is all on her. You did not play a part in it.

STD testing immediately !!!!!! You don't know who all this man has been with. Probably many and venereal disease are out there. You wife put herself and you in a precarious position.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:55 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Thissux posted 12/5/2018 16:51 PM

I was just about to post the same as Golden.

I can relate to a lot of what you described above. I knew "something was off" when my wife was in her affair. I also asked if there was anything I should know. And like your wife, she "gaslighted" me. In your case your wife told you to get therapy because (implied) you're crazy. That is textbook gaslighting. (Google it if u don't know what it means).

Your wife also booked the hotel room. She's not a victim of a predator, she's a cheater. I'm sorry to be harsh but in the early days after discover, you're looking for a logical reason. She was tricked. I made her do it. I wasn't good enough etc.
wrong, she cheated, planned it, executed it, and lied to you more than you know now. Others will join in and give specific advice. But for now, know that it is NOT your fault.
There are good people on this site. I'm sorry you had to join us. Hugs bro.

Marz posted 12/5/2018 16:53 PM

Your wife is in self preservation mode at this time and will tell you anything to keep her status.

Unfirtunately cheaters lie a lot and you can't trust anything she says.

Her long term actions are all that you can count on.

Michigan posted 12/5/2018 17:17 PM

Stop trying to make your wife the victim. There's only one victim in what happened, and it's you. In fact, you are the INTENDED victim, as she was damn well aware that only one person could truly get hurt from her having sex with a boyfriend: YOU.
She knew that and she fucked him anyway.
He didn't take advantage of her. She's not a child. You made no mention of any mental disabilities with your wife.
SHE IS A GROWN ASS ADULT, and SHE decided to betray you, her husband that she was supposed to be true to. Her boyfriend made no vows to you. Only she did.
Stop making her out to be a victim.

GoldenR

GoldenR is 100% correct.

Your wife may not be communicating with him now but she will sooner or later if for no other reason than closure. They ALWAYS do. The only way for her to stop thinking of the other man (OM) fondly or contacting him long term is for her to be mad at him and feel used.

In order to help that along print the following and have her read it.

Again GoldenR and Thissux are 100% correct. The following is not an excuse. But you can use it show her what a POS the OM truly is.

The following was written by a married player explaining why he prefers married women.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go?

When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to.

Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.
As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap.

I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either.

They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that.

I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done.

Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.

[This message edited by Michigan at 6:36 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

firenze posted 12/5/2018 17:18 PM

I wait and monitor for either his probing and her reaction OR for her to update her BFF, that knew about them long before I did, how things are going between them or that things have ended. Unfortunately they see each other face to face on a weekly basis.

Your WW's "friend" is your enemy and an enemy of your marriage. It is not acceptable for her to still be in your WW's life in any capacity, and you are not even close to being in R if your wife does not understand this.

[This message edited by firenze at 5:25 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

neverhappen2me posted 12/5/2018 17:30 PM

Its amazing that after we find out we think they will just end it and want their old life back.Unfortunately your life has changed forever and that isn't the case.If you are looking for confirmation she is still seeing him she probably is. Get the upper hand and hire a private investigator but be careful what you wish for.Unfortunately you are going to find out a lot more then you ever want to know.Maybe you should talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are . I went to a lawyer 3 days later and my wife said "Are you crazy I could lose my kids". I said yep and you still fucked him knowing that. That started the wheels turning in her head. She still saw him behind my back for a while. Every time I snooped I found something else. I'm 6 months after Dday and I think she stopped seeing him after 3 months.
I am truly sorry this is happening to you especially with kids involved. Good luck!!

beenthereinco posted 12/5/2018 17:36 PM

If the BFF has a husband I would tell him. She may have been cheering your WW on because she is in the same club.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 5:43 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 12/5/2018 18:37 PM

You're received solid advice here so far, but just in case, again your WW is now a proven cheater and liar, don't believe anything she says, she's in self preservation mode, she pursued him, she's a grown woman, not a teenager.

1)Demand she gets tested for STDS (you should too), your WW risked your life by exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs and she probably had sex more times than she's admitting, in 4 months why would he stop at just once ?.
2)Consult a D attorney to see what D looks like for you and demand your WW signs a post-nup beneficial to you, like agreeing to no alimony and less of marital assets in case you eventually decide to D.
3)Demand she writes a NC FOREVER Letter to OM that you approve of and watch her hit send (no sweet goodbyes). She needs to agree to let you know if OM ever tries to contact her.
4)She needs to agree to full on demand access to her phone, all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER.
5)If the OM is a co-worker she needs to quit her job immediately.
6)She needs to end the friendship with the BFF that knew about the A, she's not a friend of the M and is most likely an enabler and covered for her (yeah, another consequence of her huge betrayal).
7)You need to EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends, including the children in a sanitized way like "mom had a boyfriend", she needs to apologized to them as she selfishly put their stability in jeopardy.
8) If OM is married or has a GF you need to expose the A to OBS/GF (Other Betrayed Spouse/Girlfriend), nothing kills an A faster than full exposure.
9)Stop going to MC, way too soon, she needs to go to IC to find out her "whys" and fix herself to become a safe partner again.
10)No more "GNOs" or vacation with the "girls" Forever.
11)Demand she writes a complete timeline of the A, and demand she takes a polygraph to back up her story, it sets a tone about the trust she destroyed, looks like you trusted her blind, this may not have been her first rodeo, just the first time she got caught, one of the questions in the poly should be: Have you ever had sex, kissed and/or talked to other men behind my back besides "current OM's name" since we started dating ? if the answer is yes, how many ?

You jumped in R way too soon, don't rugsweep this, if you do it will backfire eventually. Keep posting frequently, this is a critical moment and it's to your benefit to have the collective wisdom of SI, with thousands of cases like yours, every case is different but cheaters follow a typical script, we call it the "Cheater's Handbook".

Western posted 12/5/2018 18:55 PM

every post above is correct and on point. There will be others who come along and attack the above posters for being anti-reconciliation.

Regardless of how things are now, the above posters have hit the mark. Listen to them.

It is all your decision on what you want to do but after 20 years and dealing with this ??

I get your skepticism. You should be skeptical. You should be doing a full 180 for you and to give her consequences.

Don't let her off the hook. Protect yourself and decide what you want to do.

Could you imagine if you banged another woman in front of her or behind her back ?? What would she do ?

Cheaters are hypocrites.

PI this shit or just file and watch her panic. She deserves no recourse

Michigan posted 12/5/2018 19:07 PM

You jumped in R way too soon, don't rugsweep this, if you do it will backfire eventually.

Buster123

Divorce should always be at least mentioned. By going straight to R your ACTIONS send the message that YOU think her affair wasn’t a big deal. All the affair cost her was you calling her a few names (which I bet you felt bad about later). The benefits she receives from the marriage were never at risk. Why wouldn’t she have another affair?

It’s like robbing banks, getting caught and the judge going straight to probation. No mention of jail time. If that’s the case the judge must not consider robbing banks to be a big deal.

Your wife was having the time of her life with two men providing her needs. You for the stability and boring husband stuff and the OM for fun. When caught the OM ran for the hills because the sex wasn’t worth providing her with husband stuff.

Your value to her is the stability you provide. Don’t give the “princess” a guarantee that no matter what she does she will never lose it. She needs to know that you have it in you to actually divorce her.

[This message edited by Michigan at 7:29 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 12/5/2018 20:11 PM

Your WW is not Little Red Riding Hood beset by the Big Bad Wolf. One day you’ll look back at that narrative and see how silly it sounds. Perhaps you’ll even laugh about it, though it would be a bit of noir humor.

Your WW is an adult woman. She does not need you nor daddy holding her hand to know that fucking another man in secret, hiding it from you, lying to you about it, and gaslighting you is wrong. This narrative you’d dreamed up seems pretty transparently to be a defensive response by you to create something you can wrap your mind around, because the monstrous reality of what your WW actually did is something your mind can’t quite accept at this point.

Don’t worry. Your mind tricks are normal. You’re not even a month out from learning that you have unwittingly been enrolled in the exclusive club nobody wants to be a member of. Take a deep breath. And another. Relax. Focus the next couple of weeks on the following:

Hydrate, eat healthy foods, avoid alcohol, and try to get as much exercise as you can.
Go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page) and start reading there. In particular, read about “The 180” and implement that into your life. This is not to punish her. It is to create space for yourself, to clear your head.
Do not have sex with your WW until you have both been tested for STD’s.
In The Healing Library, print Joseph’s Letter. Also, get a copy of “How To Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. Give both to your WW to read.

Here are a few likely aspects of your reality:

What you know about the extent of the infidelity is probably a fraction of what really occurred.
Your WW’s default mode with you, to date, has been to sneak, conceal, lie, and repeat. She is not going to magically transform into a truth-telling robot. Assume she is still lying to you most of the time about the A.
From your description of the sudden deep black silence, my hunch is that their communications have gone underground. The asshole who invested all of that time and energy into sex with her is not likely to be satiated with just one sex session. Men generally don't do that. Once they taste the punani, they generally come back for more.
The friend, as noted, is not a friend of the marriage. She is as much poison as the asshole who fucked your wife. She needs to go.

You will often see here that you need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. The 180 is part of this. Your marriage is dead. You need time and space to accept that and prepare yourself to move on. R will only work if your WW comes to you and seeks it, earnestly, with every fiber of her being. The hardest part for you will be to remain steadfast and strong and continue separating from her to get yourself out of infidelity. The most heartfelt, burning wish of every betrayed husband is to go back to the marriage you thought you had before the A, as if the A never happened. Guess what? That marriage only existed in your imagination. From your WW’s perspective, that marriage was stifling and restricting, to the point where she desired sex with another man so much that she went out and got it. The woman you thought you were married to is in fact the type of woman who will do that – go out and fuck another man behind your back and lie to you about it. That is the reality of who she is.

You are wasting your time on MC at this point. Your WW is broken. Only broken people do what she did. She needs to first engage in intense IC and figure out what was broken in her, and then fix it, so that she becomes a safe option as a spouse. Then, after that, if you feel she has become somebody you might consider marrying, then you go to MC.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:12 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 12/6/2018 04:38 AM

Hey Kicked,
Hope you don’t become a one-post-wonder… What the posters above have shared is based on experience and is likely to be true.

I want to emphasize the importance of accountability. Your wife needs to OWN her affair and OWN her decision to have an affair. Maybe the OM was a player and sweet-talker, but your wife DECIDED to always take this one step further. She DECIDED to open on personal marital issues. She DECIDED to go back for more once he crossed some line. She DECIDED to cross some fence that she KNEW was a point of no return.

This acceptance of her affair being her decision and that at each and every step of the way she had a choice to stop is SO IMPORTANT. It’s IMHO the KEY to recovery.

IF the affair was simply your wife being lured by someone that controlled her then basically that would make your wife a victim. Imagine she got mugged – you might question her decision to walk into a dark alley in a shoddy part of town – but you wouldn’t blame her per se for being a victim. You wouldn’t demand serious change in her. Furthermore – you couldn’t really do much to prevent a further mugging sometime in the future.

It’s the same with her DECISSION to have an affair. Once you start saying she was lured, led on, that issues in your marriage made her do it or whatever… once you give her a discount on her accountability… What happens 2 years from now if you don’t take out the trash? Would that discount allow her to kiss some random guy? What if that random guy is an even better hustler than this OM?

Demanding she be accountable is not saying reconciliation isn’t possible. I get it from your post that you want to save your marriage. But IMHO the ONLY way that can be done is when she has told you the absolute truth, is totally 100% accountable for her decisions and actions and when you accept her and commit to reconciliation despite that truth. Anything short of that is simply trying to fit the corpse of the dead pink elephant of infidelity into the living-room and ignoring the growing stench.

Ponus18 posted 12/6/2018 08:20 AM

I'm sorry you're here KickedAside.

The posts so far are incredibly spot on. When I read your post I wanted to jump in and say so much, but within just a matter of hours already you have a ton of helpful information.

I just wanted to add that I know some of the advice can come across as getting hit by a 2x4 or just tough to hear, but folks here know what they're talking about. They've seen this play out over and over again and our solidly on your side in wanting to get you out of infidelity and to get control over the shit sandwich your WW has served you.

Stay strong and I really suggest you read the advice given so far carefully and then read it again.

Hang in there man.

KickedAside posted 12/6/2018 08:49 AM

Shit, you guys are brutal. Reading through your comments almost brought me to tears. Of course your all correct. This is my first experience with infidelity. I am clueless as to how to handle it. I see the logic and reasoning. The more I read your posts, the more I see of what is going on: blame shifting and gas-lighting (had look up the term). Last night, while in bed. I told her if anything like this happens again or if I find out your still communicating with HIM, I won't forgive you again. She got upset and mentioned my past/ongoing resentments toward her (gas-lighting, I assume). She commented that I had said that to her several times before, her tone was not patient and understanding. Quite the opposite actually. She further commented that she has doubts that we will make it through this ordeal as a couple (paraphrasing and further gas-lighting). I reminded her that we both acknowledged there is a long hard road ahead of us. If we walk this together at the same pace we can finish this journey. If one of us falls behind and the other continues on alone, we won't finish.
As for my WW, accountability and responsibility are not words I would ever use to describe her immediate family. I could start another thread on them alone. Perpetual victims best describes them. How do you get a person to take accountability and responsibility for what they have done? My WW has commented that she wants to be over and done with this whole situation, just move on. I keep bringing it up because I have questions/comments/concerns, she doesn't want to "dredge up old feelings and news". I am considering a separation after the Holidays. I am going through The Healing Library, as suggested. Reading, educating and trying to heal myself.
Wish me Luck please.

Dismayed2012 posted 12/6/2018 08:51 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation kicked. As others have noted, you need to get yourself in the correct mindset in order to deal with your situation effectively. You must understand that your wife is not the victim, your wife's 'friend' is not a friend of your marriage, your wife is not what you thought she was, your wife is only with you because you provide stability, your wife is likely still lying, no one can be 'charmed' unless they want to be, and your wife is not the 'prize' you thought she was.

You and the finances and stability you provide are the prize now. You are the final decision maker as to whether you will continue on with her. You're making a mistake by reconciling with your cheater so quickly. You need to take some time alone and think about your future and what you want. You need time to consider the choices your wife made over you and over her own children and determine if you can live with that. She intentionally broke her marriage vows. She chose to have sex with another man fully aware of the destruction that her choices would bring to you and her children. She is the culprit in all of this; not the other man. He could have done nothing without her full and aware cooperation. Do you want to live your life with a person who has betrayed you, your children, and both of your extended families in this way and who at any moment could do it again? It's your future to decide.

If you do decide to stay with her, get an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement signed and filed as soon as possible. Protect your and your children's future now while it's still fresh in your and her mind. You'll thank yourself later. And make sure that she, not you, is the one to repair this. She alone destroyed it; she alone fixes it.

twisted posted 12/6/2018 09:06 AM

She commented that I had said that to her several times before, her tone was not patient and understanding. Quite the opposite actually. She further commented that she has doubts that we will make it through this ordeal as a couple

This is not a good candidate for R. You've received good advice above, and it's from a group of people here that have been through it all, and have seen it play out here 100's of times.
Personally my situation is somewhat similar, and I have to tell you one of the only thing I wish I had done different is to kick my fWW out of the house for some period of time. Whether that was a few weeks or a few months, and my fWW was immediately remorseful, ( or so it appeared anyway). I feel that physical separation and uncertainty would have brought the reality of what she had done and it's potential life long consequences sooner and with more impact.
Living out of suitcase or on a friends couch makes you reconsider your options. There is a risk she would run to the other guy, but so be it. She needs to know the risks and consequences. So do you.
Good luck.

Michigan posted 12/6/2018 09:51 AM

I am considering a separation after the Holidays

KickedAside

If you do separate make it very clear between the two of you if dating other people is allowed or not.

Most of the time the betrayed spouse (BS) assumes that dating others is off limits. You’re working on your marriage after all.

The wayward spouse (WS) doesn’t bring up the subject and uses the separation as a hall pass for some carefree sex.

If the BS turns out to be the better long term deal then the WS wants to remain married. They never mention the sex. If caught they say ”we were separated so you can’t complain”.

[This message edited by Michigan at 9:52 AM, December 6th (Thursday)]

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