"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

5pointoh posted 11/29/2018 09:38 AM

Hello everyone, I do not know how to start this off so I am going to try my best. I have really no one else to talk to about this besides a few family members, but I never give all details like I want to do here. Because I know once I tell them she cheated, they are going to say kick her out immediately and I just do not want to do that.

My GF and I have been living together with her 2 kids for a little over 2 years. I am 38 and she is 26. I blame myself a lot with good reason for making her feel the way she does now, but I still do not agree on her cheating. She does not know that I do know either. For about the last 8 months or so I was a very non-affectionate and attention given person. She begged and pleaded with me that all she wanted was my love and attention and I always agreed that I would do better. Honestly, I never did,
I loved her but being complacent took over thinking she would still be around no matter what I did.

I regret doing this more than anything. She still told me she loved me and I did too, but we stopped sleeping together, mainly because the bed hurt her back every time so she slept on the couch all these months. There was no sex life, I guess it became more of a roommate deal even thou we loved each other. The flame burned out.

Again, I was just so complacent with things and ignored all the warnings. I finally pushed her to her breaking point. She started a new job downtown as a bar manager to where she worked with another guy there. He is supposedly married himself. Checking the phone bill I could see that she was texting him all throughout the day every day. I work in the morning and she works late at night so we hardly see each other now and they of course always see each other. By the time she comes home im already asleep, and only see her for maybe 30min when I come home before she has to leave. She rarely has a day off.

Anyways as soon as she started working there is when I noticed changes in her.
One night she failed to come home during the weekend I was off and the kids were at their father’s house. I was up of course fearing the worse, and texted her repeatedly to which she never responded and nor answered any of my calls. I found out she stayed at his residence that night through the SNAPCHAT GPS locator. Mind you we both have iphones and we both always shared our location through that. She stopped sharing it that night but she forgot SNAPCHAT also uses it. I asked who she was with and she said her cousin, that was the only response I got.

She finally came back and we talked, she told me she is numb and I had made her so unhappy and that every time she asked for change it was though I didn’t care. I did care but she was right I never really tried like I should have to show her the love and affection she had deserved. I guess you could say I didn’t wake the hell up until all of this. I cried my eyes out to her, because all the regret and love starting hitting me. I promised her that I would do more stuff with the kids and show her the love and attention she deserved.

I pay all the bills including her phone and insurance. She only makes her car payment. She told me she appreciated that but she just wanted me to change and I never did. I told her I don’t blame her for the way she feels toward me now, but begged that she would give me one last chance. She said she would.
Fast forward a week, she is still talking to that guy each and everyday through text and phone calls. She has not been back to his house yet but I do believe they had lunch before work yesterday together. She very rarely will text me and every time I tell her I love her thru text she will never answer to it. She will say I love you though when she leaves and with a kiss. That is about it. She still does not know I know about him and her and how

I know she talks to him all throughout the day when she is supposed to be giving me a last chance. I’ve been doing everything I can especially with the kids and around the house and showering her will love and attention. She has told me that im amazing and appreciates all that im doing. Still, she talks to this guy throughout the day. I asked her this morning through text, if she still wanted me and wanted to make this relationship work. She basically said that she loves me as a person and always will but doesn’t know how to accept my apologies in fear of being hurt again. That she is finally starting to heal but because of work hasn’t had time to think of what she wants. That she still needs time that’s all.

So what do I do? Do I let her know I know about what shes been doing and done? How do I approach this. I have never once talked to or been with anyone else our entire relationship. I was always faithful. I want to respond with, “well I hope you take the time you need without anyone else being involved in influencing your decisions.” I think I have lost her for good and it’s the holidays and it sucks. I am just so heartbroken, confused, and hurt. I hardly eat now and have lost 10lbs, its hard for me. Thank you for listening as I am looking forward to any advice shared.

Fenderguy posted 11/29/2018 09:51 AM

So you are financially supporting her and her kids.

She is cheating on you.

She has made you think it’s all your fault.

You are not married.

I would advise you to RUN in every possible language!!

Butforthegrace posted 11/29/2018 09:53 AM

You're dating a woman and cohabiting with her. You ignore her for months as she pleads for intimacy. She turns to another man. What a surprise.

You can't fake the funk. My gut tells me that you ignored her because you weren't in love, and you only feel bad now because you are afraid of being alone. Let her go. Sorry for the 2x4, but it's my honest advice.

5pointoh posted 11/29/2018 10:13 AM

I agree with you Buttforthegrace except the alone part. While it would be horrible i have done it for a long time by choice. Sometimes it just takes someone leaving unfortunately for them to wake up i believe. Like an alcohol addiction, some don't stop until they almost kill themselves.
But you are right, its not a surprise. Any other time i would confront and tell them to get out, but i know im the cause, but i also know i would never do it again and the love i have for her is real.

[This message edited by 5pointoh at 10:14 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 11/29/2018 10:15 AM

Don't blame yourself for her cheating, you were in the same relationship and didn't cheat, I mean she doesn't even appreciate the fact you pay for most of the bills and take care of her children, she should have left you before starting a new relationship with OM.

Anyway, she's now a proven cheater and liar, I know you said you don't want to but you may just have to leave her, you KNOW she's seeing OM every single day and yes she's having sex with him, work affairs are notorious for "lunch quickies", plus she's really not even trying to R with you, please RUN for the hills now, you deserve someone who will really love you, not just "as a person", and that is faithful and respects you.

BBBD posted 11/29/2018 10:19 AM

Ok first, have some respect for yourself. Be a man. RUN as fast as you can. She’s damaged goods.

I’ll warn you, she’s about to sweet you back to a relationship. Don’t fall for it.

She’s a cheat and a liar. Don’t be her sometimes.

numb&dumb posted 11/29/2018 10:29 AM

Listen. Nothing you did or did not do caused her to cheat. You were in the same M as her, right ? Have you been happy with your M lately ? Probably not.

You did not cheat. She did. The difference is that you have character and she does not.

No one is going to stand up for you, but you. She is enjoying having the attention of two people and eating up every second of it. She wants the status quo because she lacks the ability to validate herself and needs other to do it for her. The problem is that her validation "bucket" has holes in it and no amount of that will ever be enough.

I think you need to read up on the 180. It is time that you learned to stand on your own two feet. Further I think, when you feel strong enough, that you need to make a black or white offer.

Confront her. Tell her that you will not share her in the M. You would be willing to work on the M, but not while she is seeing/talking to another man. If she can't stop or denies you really have to back your words and begin the process of getting yourself out of infidelity.

Tell her you can't control her at all and aren't going to start now. She can talk to whoever she wants to, Sleep with whoever she wants to, but not as your Wife. That can be changed without her input. You need to begin living your life with your best interests in mind.

She is effectively using you as babysitter and a wallet. If that is all she values in you then why would you want to continue that relationship ?

I think you need to find an IC man. You are playing a very passive role. If I've seen anything in my many years on SI it is that you never "nice" the WS back into the M. Reality needs to be introduced to her fantasy world.

Confront her. Stand on your own two feet again and draw some boundaries for yourself.

She will argue and blame you, etc. Typically wayward behavior, but her cheating probably goes back further than when you've caught her. If you are not M then maybe this is easier for still (logistically).

Nothing you did or did not do "caused" her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to. She made a choice without your involvement knowing that you would never agree with it. She tried to solve her "problems" by introducing another person to the mix. Did it solve anything ? No. If anything it made it worse.

Further her AP is just looking at some NSA lovin. He isn't likely to make any commitment to her. You think he wants to play house with her and her two kids ? I'd doubt it. He will run at the first complication.

The only way this changes if you take steps to change the game. It is scary, but you will maintain your integrity and be true to who you are. Find your voice and use it.

Welcome to the last club you never wanted to join. Keep reading and posting. The healing library (yellow box about Dr. Phil's head) is great place to begin reading. Pay attention to the 180. It might be the best thing to do right now. Cut off the validation she receives from you and she will notice. Don't by any reason from her other than she made a choice. A choice that hurts you very badly I might add.

Fbtjax posted 11/29/2018 10:32 AM

So you are financially supporting her and her kids.
She is cheating on you.

She has made you think it’s all your fault.

You are not married.

I would advise you to RUN in every possible language!!

This ^^^^

You're not married. You're supporting her. Get out while you can and let her find another sugar daddy to take care of her and her kids.

WilliamM posted 11/29/2018 10:32 AM

May, I am so sorry you are going through this. I do have a couple of observations that I want to share with you. Just going by what I read, it seems to me that you may have been experiencing depression: maybe even major depression. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Please talk to a doctor. This may explain why you shut down and was not affectionate. However, this was not an excuse to cheat. And you should not take that on. Why do I say that? Because if my wife had shut down and was clearly not herself, instead of begging for love and attention, I would want to know what was wrong with her and if there is anything we can do to help her. She was so caught up in herself that she neglected to see that there is something clearly wrong with you mentally.

Also, you are allowing her to cheat on you by not saying anything. If you want to save your marriage then that has to stop. She needs to know that you know and that you will not accept this in your relationship. She must go NC with the OM. That means she needs to quit her job and find another. If she is unwilling then she has chosen him over you. In a since OM has replaced you as her emotional support. And sadly, she has replaced you with this guy in the physical area as well. This is a full blown EA/PA. You have to confront her. You have to tell his wife. I bet there are people at her job that know and support her relationship with OM. I need to get out of infidelity.

DesertLily posted 11/29/2018 10:45 AM

I have a bad back from a car accident in my youth. It's been an issue my whole life. That being said, unless you have the lumpiest bed on the planet, or a waterbed, I seriously doubt that the couch is more comfortable. Most likely, she was sleeping on the couch to avoid intimacy. Not sleeping together is a common detaching tactic.

Your girlfriend sees you as a financial supplier, a dad figure, but not a lover. You're her security blanket. Rip the covers off.

Honestly, you haven't been together long and you have no kids. I would leave her.

However, since you want to try and work on the relationship, confront her. Tell her you know she's cheating and that the only way forward is to quit her job immediately. Her reaction will tell you everything.

Whether you stay together or not, I would tell the Om's spouse without warning. Do it before you even confront your GF. That's if he's even married. Your GF could be lying about that to make the OM appear safe.

Head up to the Healing Library and read about the 180. Implement it to gain clarity on your situation.

Look, dating is a probationary period. If your partner can't stay faithfull during the easy beginning years, what do you think is going to happen when the going gets tough? When parents get sick? When death takes a loved one? When injuries and layoff create real stress?

She's blaming you for her behavior. This is a common Wayward tactic. But when she started sleeping on the couch, did you go look for a new GF? No. So the cheating is all on her.

Perhaps she's a serial cheater and that's why her relationship with the children's father ended. You should ask him.

She has failed in her tryout to be a wife. She is not wife material. Do you really want to wonder if she's cheating for the rest of your relationship?

She's shown you who she is. Believe her.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/29/2018 10:56 AM

May, I am so sorry you are going through this. I do have a couple of observations that I want to share with you. Just going by what I read, it seems to me that you may have been experiencing depression: maybe even major depression. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Please talk to a doctor. This may explain why you shut down and was not affectionate. However, this was not an excuse to cheat. And you should not take that on. Why do I say that? Because if my wife had shut down and was clearly not herself, instead of begging for love and attention, I would want to know what was wrong with her and if there is anything we can do to help her. She was so caught up in herself that she neglected to see that there is something clearly wrong with you mentally.

^^ This!! I have my own crazy list of shit that just happened with my WH and his sex addiction, but over the last 6 months as his behavior had become erratic, I believe it was directly linked to my depression and my lack of sex drive. But again, NOT an excuse. A good partner is there to support their SO, through the good times and the bad.

I understand that she was begging for affection and you were too complacent to give it to her. I did the same thing to my husband - he was begging me to want to have sex more, and I just wasn't into it. I felt that there wasn't enough time in a day to do everything that needed to be done, and I would rather prioritize making sure that everything was taken care of around the house, that his daughters - my step daughters - had everything they needed, and that I got enough sleep to maintain my grueling work schedule. Sex fell by the wayside as a want but not a need.

Also, I understand the position you are in. It is very easy for people who have not dated anyone with kids to say just leave her, you're a glorified babysitter. But I'm sure you feel a deep sense of responsibility for the kids, and you aren't sure how to leave her without affecting their lives greatly, and mostly in a negative way. Trust me, if I am honest with myself, the only reason I didn't get the fuck out of my relationship years ago, before we were ever married, was because of his daughters.

How old are her kids? I'm assuming fairly young since she is only 26. It is much harder when they are young, as they really have no ability to fend for themselves, so you feel even more responsibility. Are you in touch with her parents or anyone in her family that could help you make a transition for the kids' sake? It would force you to let them know about the infidelity, which is always a hard thing to divulge, but ultimately if you had a person you could communicate with about the kids it might be easier on you. For example, if you are the one who typically watches them while she's at work, maybe you could set up times for the parents to come watch them, so that way you can transition out of being the care giver.

FEEL posted 11/29/2018 10:57 AM

but i know im the cause

Whatever inaction there was on your part, led up to state of the relationship before the A started. FULL STOP. She chose the A. She could have said to you, I'm not getting what I need from you. If it doesn't change I am going to leave the relationship. That would have been fair game. Instead she had an A. This 100% on her.

If you read some of the different posts, you will see something referred to as "Pick Me Dance". Seems to me what your doing here.

neverhappen2me posted 11/29/2018 11:00 AM

Your situation is not much different than mine.I lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks.Im also 11 years older than my wife. First of all it is definitely not your fault. Maybe you can understand why she did it but cheating is for selfish cowards. If she wanted to date someone else she should have discussed it or even broke up with you.You need to talk to her. Stay as calm as possible. ( not like me. I threw the bed on the front lawn). Be prepared to move on and tell her that. If she wants to work it out you need to go to counseling and she needs to cut all ties with him. Tell her if she doesn’t it’s over. I don’t think there is any shame in trying to work things out and this could be a wake up call for both of you. You might be able to take an awful situation and make it the best thing that ever happened to you. But it will be a long hard road and you 6 months behind me. It gets better but it’s not easy.
Make sure you take care of yourself. See your physician and let him know what is going on. Talk to a Therapist if possible.
Most jobs will have an EAP program to talk witty sometime. Look into that. Good luck!

HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/29/2018 11:14 AM

Look, dating is a probationary period. If your partner can't stay faithfull during the easy beginning years, what do you think is going to happen when the going gets tough? When parents get sick? When death takes a loved one? When injuries and layoff create real stress?

Desert Lily speaking the truth! When I look back on why my sex drive plummeted (which is one of the things my husband is blaming all of our problems on) it is directly linked to my depression when in the same year one of my brothers was hospitalized 5 times due to his relapses for alcoholism, and my other brother had an insane manic episode for the first time and was in the psychiatric ICU for 2 months after being diagnosed bipolar and no matter what meds they put him on the doctors could not figure out how to get him to come down.

Is there any specific event that you can tie to your "complacency" as you call it? If there is, can you remember if your partner helped you through that? Or did she just complain about the lack of intimacy?

Really difficult things will happen in your life that are beyond your control, and a partner is supposed to be there to support you through all of that. Even if she told you every single day that she was going to leave you if your behavior didn't change, she had a choice in the matter. She could have said ok, I'm leaving, and taken her kids and gone. But she didn't, and she still had no right to start a relationship outside of yours. She saw you as a safety net, and used you.

Trust me, that has been the hardest part of coming to terms with my husband's infidelity - questioning how long I have just been a safety net for him and his daughters. If you truly want to R, none of us can judge you, but I agree with Desert Lily that dating is probationary, and you should trust who she has shown you she is and get out now. It is easy to want to be the savior who fixes her. But only she can fix herself, and she has to want it.

Robert22205https posted 11/29/2018 12:12 PM

As a human being you deserve a much better life partner. Time for you to move on.

You're young and her kids are not your responsibility.

She's a selfish liar and a cheater with no conscience. She also does not appreciate that you support her and her kids. She feels no shame for her behavior nor remorse for hurting you.

You are not responsible for her cheating, or her lack of concern for her kids or her lack of shame or remorse.

Now that you see her real nature - move on.

ICaughtThem posted 11/29/2018 12:30 PM

She's already cheating only two years into a relationship? Not married, and no kids that are yours? Have you ever talked to her ex? How much you want to bet that the reason that they aren't together is that she cheated on him as well? If that's the case, RUN FORREST, RUN! That would make her a serial cheater, and playing the pick me dance won't fix anything in her.

She didn't happen to cheat on her ex with you, did she? There's an old saying here that if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

And as far as the OM, if he's really married, his W needs to know that he's cheating on her. Tell her. It's the honorable thing to do. Don't warn your GF. just do it.

twisted posted 11/29/2018 12:41 PM

You are financially supporting a roommate. I assume you are a free babysitter too.
Why?

2 years is nothing. 12 years difference is a lot at your age.
A maid would be cheaper. Walk away.

5pointoh posted 11/29/2018 12:51 PM

Yes i know if and once i do confront her that i know what she has been doing all along, that she is going to act out just like it says in the 180. She will get mad and shut completely down and probably say okay i am just going to move out in a months time. Her car that she does drive is also under my name because i had to co-sign for her at the time. She makes decent money now way better than before so i know she could support herself on her own but def not as well as with me, especially with the kids.

I still really want this to work out, i know i am a crazy fool, and i appreciate all the advice everyone is giving and i agree with all of you!

Someone asked why i became complacent or perhaps i had depression. Yes i was severely depressed that lead to my complacency and not trying anymore. Her son is 8 and her daughter 5. The father actually cheated on her with her best friend. But the one thing i struggled with in our relationship was her son. He has very bad ADHD and is on meds. The ADHD is a nightmare and it just got to me to where i became very unhappy for the way he could become so disrespectful to us. I began to despise him and i took out my feelings on her emotionally. Even thou she did all she could to as well. I realized i needed to interact with him more and that would help his attitude instead of him always seeing me as just the one yelling and getting on to him and having no relationship with him whatsoever. Overtime it just wore me completely down, and the fact she always started sleeping on the couch with the dog made it worse. I honestly never stopped loving her and i know i never will. She really did show me love and took care of me any time i was sick or needed something. Always cleaned, cooked dinner etc and told me she loved me with affection. Thats why i blame so much of this on myself.

Like everyone here, i agree, cheating is never an excuse. I know if i had ever cheated on her that there would be no discussion, shed be gone. So i know this is way worse than what i did to her. I can be cheated on 100 times, but i know i could never cheat on another. I know deep down she has a good heart and does have love for me, i just wish she realized that even though what i did to her, what she is doing now is way worse and actually stop talking to him.

[This message edited by 5pointoh at 12:54 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Tren0R201 posted 11/29/2018 12:57 PM

I don't get it, you ask for advice, 10 people out of 10 tell you to leave then you say you won't leave.

Seems pretty cut and dry.

Stay it is. Sorted

Cooley2here posted 11/29/2018 13:21 PM

I am going to put this in the most basic way I know how. For some reason this relationship did not work. It isn’t your fault and it isn’t her fault. Yes she cheated and that is her fault. Look at what you said you did and did not do. You lived together for two years which should have been a honeymoon period but it wasn’t because you were not committed to it. All of a sudden you want her but your behavior told her otherwise. She has moved on and you probably should as well. If you have a relationship with her children I hope you stay in touch with them. The best thing you can do is accept this is over and move on. She will have to find some other way to pay her bills. She used you and you used her. That’s the way I read it