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Dreams and Making Her Coffee....

Pdxguy posted 11/19/2018 12:14 PM

Quick back story: about 3.5 months since Dday. She has made it super clear that divorce is the only option and that our marriage is not recoverable.

The last few weeks, I have been having these dreams of her, where we wake up and we're in the same bed, she gets dressed and I just sort of lay there appreciating the moment, then coffee. And then I wake up, and it's just sad. With these dreams happening so frequently, I for some reason felt compelled to ask her one last time: "Should I stop believing in hope for us?" This question didn't go over well. She made it emphatically clear there is no hope. But I needed to know for sure. There is no moving on without knowing. And now I really know, as in, no doubt at all.

So what does that mean? I continue with my own healing, but I still feel responsible for her pain, and I still want to help. I see her pain daily. She wears it on her body. But our 'boundaries' prohibit any inquiry into her emotional state. The only thing we are allowed to discuss is the logistics of kids and finances.

So there is literally no way I can help her heal except be a great co-parent and keep our lives in order as we get ready for mediation and then paperwork. I absolutely despise hearing stories where the WS wants to leave and the BS is fighting to keep the marriage together. I would do anything to be in that situation. And you know the worst thing in all of this is watching her in pain and having no right to help her emotionally.

So what do I do? Years ago, I started making her coffee the night before, prepping the machine and the beans, getting that hot brew ready for the next day. It became our tradition. I always made the coffee, and I began to really relish this responsibility, taking care to ensure the right balance of beans and water. And now, it's the one thing I continue to do every night. When I come over and hang with my kids, I make her coffee. And to be honest, I still cherish it. Apart from the obvious financial, parenting, house maintenance stuff, it's all that I have left to show my support. That, and respecting her need to 'move toward divorce', as she puts it.

Anyway, I'm not sure what this post is really about. I know it's over. I have to let it be over. I have to step up and do everything I can to make this a relatively smooth process. But I can no longer maintain the hope. That hope is no more. But I make her coffee every night. Perhaps that's what our relationship boiled down to in the end.

[This message edited by Pdxguy at 12:48 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

Zugzwang posted 11/19/2018 16:58 PM

Maybe journal how you feel. Write a letter each day. Who knows, maybe sometime in the future she might be open to reading them. Time can help heal and get different perspectives. Maybe she would appreciate them years from now.

CantBeMe123 posted 11/19/2018 17:15 PM

I'm so sad reading your story, and I am the BH in my own infidelity issue. It is amazing how human beings can act in selfish ways without thinking about the bigger picture and the future, in ways that our so destructive to their own long term happiness. It is sad that we are wired this way (I say "we" because I believe we are all capable of it, even if many of us don't act on it).

One thing I will say as the BS is that any and all actions by my WS to show that she loves me, cares for me, desires me, and wants us to work are positives in my mind. Don't give up on her even though she is pursuing divorce, especially since you have kids. Just make sure you let her know it's not about you and your sadness; that must always be secondary to her own sadness over what you did. Tell her over and over again how much you love her, and feel remorse over what you did, and how you'll do anything to keep her. Tell her you'll love her the best way you can for the rest of your life, and never stop trying to be a better man and a better husband.

I hope you find peace no matter how it ends for you. If it really is over, then just be the best dad you can be and try to learn from what you've done and be a better bf/husband in the future.

pinkpggy posted 11/19/2018 19:09 PM

This made me think of a This Is Us episode. Not sure if you watch it but there is an episode from the first season entitled "I Call Marriage." It came on during the height of my affair. It really hit home. If you can find it I'd suggest it!!

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 7:11 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

Pdxguy posted 11/19/2018 20:11 PM

CantBeMe, I wish I could do all of those things. She says that anything personal that I say is crossing boundaries. I am only allowed to discuss the kids or logistics/financial topics with her now. And a new update. We went to the kids' Parent Teach Conferences tonight. I noticed as she was talking to a teacher that her wedding ring was removed. That feeling....sunken...just dead inside....

I wish she had allowed us to do Marriage Counseling. I wish she had committed to not making a decision until the 90 days or even longer. I wish I had worked harder. I wish so much.

I know I hurt her. I destroyed her. I get it now. I don't deserve the chance. Now that she removed her ring, it's over....

Yea, I've been journaling around the clock, Zugwang. Meanwhile, my therapist has been urging change in my life that means moving on so I can regain emotional stability. I can no longer try or believe in us.

Thanks for your support everyone. I really thought we could've been the miracle. Ha, I was going to believe in miracles again. I believe in reality now.

Pdxguy posted 11/19/2018 20:13 PM

And needless to say. I won't be prepping her coffee tonight. This was it for me. It was the last thing I was holding onto. Not the coffee, just the symbol (the ring removed).

[This message edited by Pdxguy at 8:16 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

pinkpggy posted 11/19/2018 20:48 PM

I'm sorry pdxguy.

EvolvingSoul posted 11/19/2018 21:35 PM

Hey there Pdxguy,

I'm sorry you're hurting. Don't give up working on you, no matter the outcome. Your kids need that, and she needs that from you too. It's the way you can still serve her and show her love and show yourself love too. You're worth fixing.

Grief is a normal part of the process. Keep working on developing tools for sitting with painful feelings. Acknowledge, feel, let go. Again and again. They come in waves, I know. I know I beat the meditation drum a lot on this board but the reason I do is it works. If you haven't started a practice, this would be a good time to start.

Hang in there brother.

Strength and healing to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Pdxguy posted 11/20/2018 11:26 AM

Thanks EvolvingSoul. That really helps. I really appreciate your words.

By the way, I made her damned coffee last night. Maybe I need to stop expressing 'hope'. I can't help it. I still fucking love her and have hope. I need to move on. It's torture. (a torture I deserve)

pinkpggy posted 11/20/2018 11:27 AM

This is so sad. I am so sorry. Maybe in time she will come around.

Its like a catch 22. If you distance yourself and move on, and give up trying, then what? But if you don't you may never heal.

Pdxguy posted 11/20/2018 14:42 PM

Pinkpggy, no reason to be sad for me at all. I caused this. Biggest lesson I have learned (am learning) in my life. It's one that I wish could have been different but it wasn't. It boils down to choices. I now have a chance to be a great father though, and I'm excited about that.

I wish I could've told her, even showed her, how far I would have been willing to go to regain her trust. I would have spent years committed to regaining her trust. But why would she trust me? November 11th, the final decision, is the day that apparently I needed to move on. So, begrudgingly, I am. I can't be healthy if I don't start moving forward. Or, is it possible to live every day hoping while my partner tells me there will never be hope???

I really do feel like she is pushing me away though, and the harder I try, the more offended she becomes. It's almost as if trying is the wrong thing to do. It's time to move on. I realized that this morning...sobbing in my room. (Goodbye my love....)

[This message edited by Pdxguy at 2:51 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

Gravycake posted 11/20/2018 19:48 PM

Dreams are one of the most difficult aspects of all this. When they are happy good dreams and you wake up to reality it sucks. Mornings are hard for me right now. I feel this daily and can only hope it will go away. It does nothing to aid recovery.

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