Quick back story: about 3.5 months since Dday. She has made it super clear that divorce is the only option and that our marriage is not recoverable.
The last few weeks, I have been having these dreams of her, where we wake up and we're in the same bed, she gets dressed and I just sort of lay there appreciating the moment, then coffee. And then I wake up, and it's just sad. With these dreams happening so frequently, I for some reason felt compelled to ask her one last time: "Should I stop believing in hope for us?" This question didn't go over well. She made it emphatically clear there is no hope. But I needed to know for sure. There is no moving on without knowing. And now I really know, as in, no doubt at all.
So what does that mean? I continue with my own healing, but I still feel responsible for her pain, and I still want to help. I see her pain daily. She wears it on her body. But our 'boundaries' prohibit any inquiry into her emotional state. The only thing we are allowed to discuss is the logistics of kids and finances.
So there is literally no way I can help her heal except be a great co-parent and keep our lives in order as we get ready for mediation and then paperwork. I absolutely despise hearing stories where the WS wants to leave and the BS is fighting to keep the marriage together. I would do anything to be in that situation. And you know the worst thing in all of this is watching her in pain and having no right to help her emotionally.
So what do I do? Years ago, I started making her coffee the night before, prepping the machine and the beans, getting that hot brew ready for the next day. It became our tradition. I always made the coffee, and I began to really relish this responsibility, taking care to ensure the right balance of beans and water. And now, it's the one thing I continue to do every night. When I come over and hang with my kids, I make her coffee. And to be honest, I still cherish it. Apart from the obvious financial, parenting, house maintenance stuff, it's all that I have left to show my support. That, and respecting her need to 'move toward divorce', as she puts it.
Anyway, I'm not sure what this post is really about. I know it's over. I have to let it be over. I have to step up and do everything I can to make this a relatively smooth process. But I can no longer maintain the hope. That hope is no more. But I make her coffee every night. Perhaps that's what our relationship boiled down to in the end.
[This message edited by Pdxguy at 12:48 PM, November 19th (Monday)]