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When will she see the light?

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capeaffair posted 12/3/2018 11:40 AM

I'm so glad to have a this as my place to talk to everyone. My friends have little advice like there is here. I appreciate and will follow the advice I've received here. Otherwise, I'd start falling for this BS and get all teary eyed. I agree that I must stay strong with no intention to her about backing down on D and let her scramble to get her feelings out that should have come out a long time ago. I've got the VAR to check on her which is helpful if she has any intention of rebuilding trust. I asked her to go to therapy not necessarily as a part of any R, but as cheaper way to negotiate splitting our lives apart before we make the ultimate legal decisions. Therapists are cheaper than lawyers especially if discussions become lengthy. Thanks for bringing my anxiety down everyone, I'm sure it will spike again soon!

isitme24 posted 12/3/2018 12:20 PM


Be very careful. When a WW starts making threats about false DV charges, you need to take it seriously. Don't get caught thinking, "my wife would never do that". You probably thought the same thing about her engaging in an affair.

Keep a recording device with you at all times. Phone, var, reel-to-reel, cassette deck, whatever it is you need to protect yourself. There have been many men that have had their lives ruined by false DV charges!

It doesn't matter what the law in your state says about recording people. Catching her making those false charges will save your ass. Govt's care nothing about privacy. You are being video taped everywhere you go, every time you step out in public. Those laws are written by politicians who have an interest in not having themselves privately recorded.

When I pulled the plug with exWW and things became contentious she and her lawyer began to make all kinds of false allegations (yep, many lawyers use it as a tactic in divorce/child custody cases). What they didn't know was that I had already caught her on video and audio making those threats. I simply showed my lawyer the video. All the BS stopped immediately. FYI...I live in a state where recording someone without their knowledge is illegal and exWW is an LEO.

Protect yourself and your kids and quit drinking entirely! You need to be clear-minded and judicious in all your conversations and decisions right now.


capeaffair posted 12/7/2018 08:09 AM

Thanks Jduff for the insight of, "If I'm the abusive one, why am I trying to escape the marriage?." I thought about it and realize that she was abusive and I am yelling out, "stop it!" and then her turning this around on me. I'm not a yeller anywhere, but at home I turn into one. In therapy she is not at all remorseful. She goes on about what in our relationship made her do this. She's putting it onto me, like always... This is perhaps who she really is and I have made it clear that I do not want to be married to her anymore. I wish to make our home a neutral ground that we are both 50% responsible for, children, financially and all. I'll be able to tolerate her as long as there are some rules for us both to follow. We both have separate rooms now anyway. Then, if either of us choose, we can go outside the home for our romantic encounters. I'm not sure if this is legal or will work, but I do not believe that R is an option for us. I will suggest to her about coming on here as a WS. I will start perusing the other forums for enlightenment in that subject of bringing her here. Perhaps this is not advisable as this has been my comfort zone and I do not want her reading my posts.

Robert22205https posted 12/7/2018 08:29 AM

You can also hide some VAR around the house to record her threats (one in her bedroom too).

twisted posted 12/7/2018 08:56 AM

If she is not remorseful or you guys not R, I see no reason for her to know you're here. Keep it private.

Buster123 posted 12/7/2018 11:20 AM

Don't bring her here !!!

HellFire posted 12/7/2018 13:41 PM


SelfishCheater posted 12/7/2018 14:18 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:46 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

LivingWithPain posted 12/10/2018 12:32 PM

I wish to make our home a neutral ground that we are both 50% responsible for, children, financially and all. I'll be able to tolerate her as long as there are some rules for us both to follow. We both have separate rooms now anyway. Then, if either of us choose, we can go outside the home for our romantic encounters. I'm not sure if this is legal or will work, but I do not believe that R is an option for us.

Are you strong enough and detached enough to handle an open marriage arrangement?

As a woman, she will land ten times as many sexual partners as you will right from the get-go. You will be watching her get dolled up and going out every Friday and Saturday night while you stay home with the kids.

I'm not being flippant. This would be your reality. Can you handle that?

a54a120 posted 12/10/2018 13:11 PM

Your marriage has ended even before the affair started. You just have to accept it, accept reality, and understand that your wife's actions do not define you.

Protect yourself, your health, kids, and move on to be prepared for a new chapter in your life.

My recent post ...

capeaffair posted 12/10/2018 15:42 PM

Good point LivingWithPain, We will have to make some ground rules and I think I'm comfortable with her going out and getting dolled up on the appropriate nights. She might even meet someone that will remove her from the house. The problem for me would be when she comes home crying from being dumped and unloading this on our house. I think that at this point, I do want our children to know their mother and be near to her as she will, no matter what the outcome even in D. We will have to make a legal arrangements for the house, the children and sharing in financial and time responsibilities for each. I feel it will be cheaper and less destructive to our children in the long run. We cannot afford to have two households at this point. I wish I could walk away from all of this and take my children, but that is not an option here.

Robert22205https posted 12/10/2018 16:24 PM

An additional consideration is the example to your children that you may be setting with this living arrangement. For a girl it's ok for a married mom to date others. For a boy it's ok if your wife dates.

Finally, have you discussed in IC whether it's to your kids benefit to be exposed to this woman on a daily basis?

capeaffair posted 12/26/2018 23:42 PM

Thanks for the message Robert. We are in a "nesting" arrangement as it is and for now it is working. I cannot get rid of her completely anyway, so I may as well get rid of her legally by filing for D and moving on as business partner, the business being the children. The 180 brought that to a functional level. I'm now trying to revive her relationship with her son as he was left by the wayside as she took all her time for herself (work and our daughter) and none for him (or me). He acted out so badly at our post Christmas family gathering that our relative left only saying that she (WW) needs to help him as he was yelling at her about something today. I couldn't even prepare dinner. I was playing, "You talk to you and get over it." When do I get my chance? Ha? Ho Ho Ho

k8la posted 12/26/2018 23:55 PM

YOU do NOT do damage control in her relationship between her and your son.

Do not step into that no-man's land. She is entirely responsible for the condition of her relationship and she is entirely responsible to fix it.

The only responsibility you have with your son in regard to her is that you teach him to live a no-regrets life for what he says or does. That his bad treatment is a reflection of HIM and his bad manners - not her. People don't deserve good treatment from us. Especially when they've treated us badly. However, we deserve to never have to cringe at our words or actions toward another human being, no matter how inhumanely they've behaved. That's all you owe in this situation. Teach him to have grace and kindness and boundaries and self-respect. And even if he's a toddler (don't recall how old he is), self-control is a lesson he can and must learn so that he can be his best self.

Edit to add: You do not try to fix his feelings about his mother. You don't try to make him gloss over how she's treated him. You acknowledge it and shine the light of day on it. He does not need someone coming along telling him to stuff those feelings - she is expecting him to do that. Because she's the freaking queen of life and he should not have any ill-will toward her at all no matter what she does... life according to waywards. Don't you add to his pain by teaching him to suppress his feelings.

What I meant to encourage you to do is emotional mastery - feel the feelings, but manage the output in a way that is filled with his best self. Teach him how to transmute - emotional alchemy - all the feelings of angst into exercise, purposeful performance in school or sports or work or service to homeless people. He does not need to give that energy to her that way, because going back to her it's toxic, filled with the idea of delivering justice/retribution. He needs to learn to take that energy and convert it to something meaningful. That doesn't degrade him. That builds him. That's how all things, including dirty rotten nasty people's behavior can turn for someone's good. Let the rubble she's left in his life become the stairs for him to climb to his dreams.

[This message edited by k8la at 12:00 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Decorum posted 12/27/2018 07:05 AM

Think of her as a commodities trader. She is cutthroat and trying to make her best deal. Insread of porkbellies, it is her sexual devotion that she has to trade

They said of Madonna that she looks like a whore but thinks like a pimp. She will ruin you in a heart beat is it serves her purpose.

Dont trust her and your phone on record when you interact with her.

She is thinking like a crooked businesswoman now, not like a wife or mother.

Give no quarter, and dont trust any crocodile teart for now.

You are doing good!

[This message edited by Decorum at 7:06 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Decorum posted 12/27/2018 07:16 AM

As far as her accusing you
Do not admit to anything, especially in text or email.

Remember she may start to record things too. She may try to push your bottons, to provoke you.

Ask your lawyer, but any interactions you had before. You may say, you did express,"frustration" at the "decline" of the marriage, but when you discovered the affair you realized, that "the marriage was over already", and you have more peace now, and are teady to move on amicably, because you have accepted the "inevitable".

You "just want to move on as adults and do what is best for your children".

Imo, ypu can "own" 50% of the responsibility for the communication in the marriage, and hope that with therapy you can do better in your next relationship.

Just repeat this over and over again if she brings it up.

Good luck.

You have a plan, follow your plan.

[This message edited by Decorum at 7:18 AM, December 27th (Thursday)]

ShutterHappy posted 12/27/2018 09:21 AM

Capeaffair, i suggest that you use this situation as motivation to better yourself:
- stop drinking,
- eat healthy,
- excercise, and
- stop yelling.

When you yell, it means you lost control and you lost the argument. Stay firm but calm. If you have an argument recorded on a VAR, it will show that you are a calm reasonable adult and she’s the out of control spouse.

BluesPower posted 12/27/2018 10:56 AM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:05 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

NoTrustAnymore posted 12/27/2018 12:52 PM

"If she has all the money, then she gets to pay you alimony and buy you out of the house and the whole shebang..."


Lawyers usually give free one-hour consults. While she's at work and the kids are at school you should visit as many as possible and find out exactly what your options are. Different lawyers can have different strategies. The more you talk to, the more options you'll hear. It should be no different than if you were a stay at home mom and she was the successful, male, bread winner. Also, every Lawyer you consult with can not advise her.

Lastly, it may seem like your stuck in that house, but many people sell their homes because of divorce. They end up in two different homes/condos/apartments. It might be wise to have a realtor go through your home (while your wife is at work) and tell you what you could realistically get for it. The market in Mass is pretty good right now and depending on when you bought, the Cape real estate has definitely seen a steady increase in the past 10-15 years.

Edited to add: We used to live on the Cape too. This time of year is actually when the real estate market ramps up. People who have rented in the past and decided to buy start looking seriously with hopes of being in by the Summer.

[This message edited by NoTrustAnymore at 2:04 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

RubixCubed posted 12/27/2018 20:56 PM

Do the 180 as best you can and quit trying to fix her problems. She can work on her own relationships with your kids. You need to detach from her and trying to "help" her does neither of you any good.
Listen to the above posters she is your enemy now and will act as such any chance she has to get something out of you. You should have realized by now the Nice Guy routine does NOT work.

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