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When will she see the light?

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capeaffair posted 11/13/2018 18:30 PM

All who posted were right. I just called the OBS and spoke to her for the first time. She at first was incredulous and hung up. She called back crying and thanking me for my call and said she had just celebrated her 24th anniversary. Thanks to you all for the encouragement!

Marz posted 11/13/2018 19:10 PM

It didn't take her long to put the pieces together. Probably suspected it.

It was kind of you to inform her. She's probably been in limbo hell too.

Your wife will be pissed off because you blew up her fantasy.

Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark.

Step back don't say a word and let her deal with it.

It's her problem

[This message edited by Marz at 7:12 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 11/13/2018 19:13 PM

It was never your job to help hide their affair.

I'd bet you'll get some closure out of this and a lot off your chest

Buster123 posted 11/13/2018 19:25 PM

Well done !!!

NoOptTo posted 11/13/2018 19:40 PM

Actions have consequences. Now your WW can start feeling the consequences for her actions. HR next?

HellFire posted 11/13/2018 20:03 PM

Ok. Listen to me. Your WW is going to be furious that you spoke to his wife. He will probably be so busy throwing your wife under the bus,that he will make sure to have NC with your least for a little while. Your wife will want to draw him back in. You need to get a voice activated recorder (VAR), and keep it on you at ALL times. You should get a few more,and place them around the house where she won't find them. Many wayward wives who are unremorseful,and their OM is dealing with his wife, claim domestic violence. You need the VAR to protect yourself from getting a false charge. By doing this, your ww will trying to get sympathy from OM, and she will need to make you look like the bad guy to her friends and family.

Do not make the mistake of thinking she wouldn't do that. She would. She will. You need to get one right away. Now.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:05 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 11/13/2018 21:08 PM

Great that you have taken steps to meet with a lawyer and informed the OBS! Well done on taking the first steps on the journey to get out of infidelity.

We all know that momentum, once lost, is difficult to get back again, so keep yourself motivated. Don't look at the end of your M as a bad thing. If your WW is truly remorseful, who knows? You could get back together a few years after the D. Life does not end at the end of a M.

Start the D process. Go through with it to the end if required, but the end goal is to get you out of the sh*tty situation you are in now. Yes, it will cost money, but money can be earned back, whilst you only have one life (unless you are Buddhist, then that is s different matter altogether). Don't squander your life away, thinking and worrying about things that don't add well-being to your life. You might think that your WW does that for you, then think hard about it. If she really does that for you, you would not be here now.

The worst thing you can do is to get yourself in to a hand-wringing state. Worrying about everything, and making yourself anxious.

Get yourself calm, and go look up the OODA loop (thanks to another poster here, LtCdrLost, for that nugget of info). Use it to make sense of your situation. OODA stands for Observe, Orientate, Decide, Act, and can be used for a variety of situations. You will need to be calm to make sound decisions, for your own sake, and for the sake of your children.

BTW, I do hope that you have started implementing the 180. Businesslike communications. Only talk about finances and your kids requirements. Treat your WW as a work colleague, so no hugs, no kisses, no emotional stuff.

Also, as Hellfire suggested, go get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder, and keep it on you at all times. From what you have posted, it looks like your WW is deep into lala land, and could lash out verbally, and could accuse you for ruining her dream to be with her OM.... which, I must admit, you have..... but if their lurve is so strong, it will overcome this hiccup

ETA: It looks like you are the one doing all the work for this so-called R. Sorry to break it to you, but if the WW is not doing any of the hard work to R, then you don't have a R. If R is a path you want to explore, then WW must have ownership of the process, otherwise, you will be wasting your time.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 9:13 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

Jduff posted 11/14/2018 00:09 AM

I already am excited about beginning to call her my x to people we meet.

Especially in the future when one of those people happens to be an attractive woman who wants to know if you are single and available.

All who posted were right. I just called the OBS and spoke to her for the first time. She at first was incredulous and hung up. She called back crying and thanking me for my call and said she had just celebrated her 24th anniversary.

I know EXACTLY how she feels. I was that OBS in my situation. The affair was exposed to me by the OM's wife. I am ever so thankful for her to this day for telling me the truth. I thought my Dday was all my fault. Now I know it was never my fault at all.

Once you have removed yourself from the bullshit that is your WW's world of infidelity and lived some time in freedom void of your WW's drama, you will ever so relate to this one joke -

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!

bobdobalina posted 11/14/2018 00:32 AM

The phone call with the man answered would be enough for me to fling all her stuff on the front lawn even as an bold statement but Iím sure your heart sunk to your boots
Your going through a heartbreak I wish your you all the strength

pureheartkit posted 11/14/2018 06:56 AM

Cape, you're kind and patient. She can't appreciate that right now. She ought to be grateful for your love and understanding and offers to get help. Mine has been the same. He listens while the tears fall down my face but says nada. He's got a vault full of secrets that will stay locked forever at the bottom of the sea. I have waited and offered help, he doesn't want to heal himself. He wants it his selfish way.

If someone won't choose true happiness over a mental high and a fantasy in their head, all we can do is look out for ourselves so that we stop the pain they are creating. If they really cared they would be doing everything to make us feel safe and loved. They wouldn't threaten to take our precious children. That is not love, that is control using fear.

It doesn't feel natural for a gentle person to get tough on an acting out WS. You can still have your feelings and not allow her to be abusive. When they have closed their heart so much, they need to see the reality of what that life is. Please consider the 180 to stop allowing abusive behavior.

Wool94 posted 11/14/2018 07:32 AM

Way to go!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:32 AM, November 14th (Wednesday)]

twisted posted 11/14/2018 09:15 AM


If you're like me, I'm sure that was phone call was one of the most difficult things you have ever done. There's no easy way to do that. You never know what kind of response you might get.
i tried to be as gentle and sympathetic as I could when I broke the news to the OBS. In my case, she wasn't completely surprised, she had at least some suspicions for awhile. I can't imagine what I would have done if the it was turned around and it was her that was calling me. I would have been blindsided. I gave her all the information I had, and offered to talk anytime. She called back once to verify a few things, then never had contact again.
I'll remember that conversation for a long time.

cancuncrushed posted 11/14/2018 11:13 AM

We BS have to learn that we are allowed to speak up for what we need...we are allowed to feel hurt or pull back a bit, if something is hurting us..

No way does this mean they should should come together and work on a cant push your spouse to cheat...Most likely, they want to...and are looking for an excuse, so they can live with themselves...cheating works for them.

This is a huge part to learn and will help tremendously...its hard..

You did not cause this
your looks had nothing to do with it
you cant fix them
they have to get it...really get it...and do the work...this was all them...cheating is not problem solving. Or revenge.

capeaffair posted 11/14/2018 17:34 PM

WW returned tonight after a few days of a work related visit(not sure if she was seeing OM) saying her phone was locked up for some reason, perhaps since I was checking her texts and do not know the password, so I'm not sure if she has found out if OBS has found out from OM. I suppose that like Hellfire says he OM will have NC. I I appreciate the suggestion about he VAR. I got 2 ordered and on the way. She was gone for two days so I've had some good progress so far thanks to all of you who've posted. My self esteem is returning. I almost forgot about it. While she was gone I set the master bedroom up for myself and moved her stuff to another room. She did not have a problem with this and even cleaned up and moved right into the new sleeping arrangement. This is another reason why I'm not sure if she's contacted OM since my spilling the beans to OBS. I think I'm going to keep any work related people in the dark about the A as I do want her to be comfortable there since it is our primary source of income. Our other friends will get to know though. She really does not have any close friends that she regularly stays in contact with. Some of these friends are mutual and I will let them know so that they are not surprised by D when it comes.
I have already mentioned to her that she must move out and have eluded to it to our children. My son (8) said oh, like Hillary's parents when I was mentioning it to her. She does not want to leave the house and to my knowledge has not started to look for a new place or has begun to really understand what moving out really means. In our house, I do 100% of the finances, record keeping and general maintenance of everything and I have it all locked up tight, especially since I found out about the A. She is not from this country, but from Europe. She will really be alone once things begin to sink in with the D. She went from living with her parents to moving in with me and getting married so she has never really lived alone and has never really lived by herself and taken care of herself.
I feel I'm ahead of the curve for now, but with everyone's help here I feel I'm getting even more ahead. Since she is the primary bread winner she will most likely be paying child support to me. It won't be much, but at least it is something. As for our house, I can prove the equity came from myself or my side of the family, so my lawyer will fight for it and I will pay her hopefully a little to move out and put the house in my name and she can visit the children when she likes. It will be hard for her to move out since I do take care of 100% of everything, and she spends all her time at work with an income that supports us both. This is one reason it has been hard for me to follow through with the path for D as I need to find childcare before meeting with a lawyer or therapist etc. The children are getting older, so each year I get a little more liberated. I am looking forward to asking other women on a date although I'm not sure what to say if the D is not finalized.

still-living posted 11/14/2018 18:23 PM


Some constructive feedback:

Your posts include noise. You can simplify your life by sticking to some basic principles (natural laws): Your kids are your number one priority and they need you. Your wife is currently not reconcilable material, furthermore, you will need a mountain of obvious proof that she is, not a sliver of hope. Money does not buy true happiness. Your integrity will best carry you; Do not lie, manipulate or stoop to her level. A healthy you does not need a wife, nor or girlfriend. Until your wife is obviously not, your wife is a very, very, very good liar.

If you act against any of these principles, you will create more work and pain for yourself and your children.


Buster123 posted 11/14/2018 20:16 PM

Don't start dating before you D, you really should gather your thoughts and wait until you're healed and your kids get used to the new situation, concentrate on getting out of infidelity, just file for D without warning and have her served at work, then expose to all family and close friends, let your attorney handle the D part, go for everything, alimony and child support, don't forget about the 180 to help you detach from her.

capeaffair posted 11/21/2018 18:42 PM

Just received a visit from OBS who asked for my WS to basically tell her f you. I asked, "who was that woman?" and my WW told me. Children were present so I tried to shield them from the F bombs and the situation in general. I sure wish I had let OBS know earlier. My WW is still coming out of the fog and probably will not be remorseful as she is always right and is the best in the world etc. I called my lawyer and she will be filing soon. Wondering if and when my WW will ever come out of the fog.

Marz posted 11/21/2018 19:29 PM

Fog? This maybe who she really is so don't hold your breath.

Buster123 posted 11/21/2018 20:17 PM

Have you exposed her A with all family and close friends yet ?

capeaffair posted 11/23/2018 14:45 PM

WW's family lives overseas so little to share with them they would take her side. OM keeps calling me today telling me to leave his wife alone. I would have liked the same, so I unplugged the phone. I have nothing to say to him. He's worried about OBS breakdown. Why? He didn't worry about it for the last year and when they started and then continued despite my knowing. I also think WW will pull the abuse card in D proceedings. Perhaps I could get suggestions as to how to deal with that. It's hard to get these phone calls with the children at home and they wonder who these strange people stopping by are calling and yelling. It's been very unsettling.

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