SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

capeaffair posted 11/13/2018 07:44 AM

I am the BS who's DD was last year Christmas time 2017 or so. Found an unsigned Christmas card to her and started checking her texts and found out. I wrote my WW a letter that we had grown apart and that I was committed to our family and did not mention the A at all, but mentioned couples therapy. We attended one session at which she beat around the bush about being at work all the time. After that I attended alone as she felt that the therapist was the wrong person for us. I asked her to find a therapist to her liking and I would happily attend. She never found anyone to date. I then sent one of the texts to WH's wife anonymously and she came home saying that I could lose our children if I went about doing that again. I explained that I knew and that people at work were talking and suspicious. The WH was also my boss indirectly and that whole situation made work extremely uncomfortable for me. I did a 180 and have lived like that to this time.
The nature of the texting changed and she put a password on her phone. It seemed that she was ending her A slowly. After a few months they went to a work related event with other people from work. I called her hotel room at 10pm and a man's voice answered and told me she was sleeping and I identified myself and he hung up. Shortly thereafter, WH quit and moved down south to my delight. However, I keep finding evidence that the A has continued despite the long distance. Now she is in love with him. I have since gone to a D lawyer and have made a plan and have mentioned it to her and have shared a book titled, "Divorce, Protect yourself, your kids and your future." I found it left to me and it appears that she has not read it at all.
She is in her own world, one that does not see the consequences of her actions and she wants to live in our home, sleep in our master bed with our children each night while I sleep on the couch. I can't even get her to think about divorcing amicably so money is not wasted. No comment from her on anything of that nature.
Can anyone give me a clue what next to do as I intend to file and start a very expensive process that she wants to ignore. I just want what is best for our children.

Cooley2here posted 11/13/2018 07:52 AM

How could you lose your children simply by stating the truth?

Wool94 posted 11/13/2018 07:53 AM

capeaffair,
I'm sorry you have a reason to be here.

First of all, she is the enemy. Stop sharing your information with her.

I know you still love her. We hear that day in and day out here.

What have her repercussions been? Sounds as if you've just rugswept her whole affair.

File for D. Don't be ugly, but start the 180. (Look in the healing library). This is supposed to help you detach.

How could you lose your children by outing the affair to the OBS (other betrayed spouse)?

This needs to be done ASAP.

Exposure kills an affair 85% of the time or more.

It's time to find your anger.

DarkHoleHeart posted 11/13/2018 07:56 AM

Staying with remorseless cheater is even more expensive. Both financially and emotionally.

It looks like you have done everything right. I would suggest you proceed with the filing with every intention of going through with it. If that doesn't wake her up, then nothing will. And even if she wakes up, do not stop D proceedings, cheater has to demonstrate consistency in her/his desire to heal the marriage for a long time to be considered worthy of R.

VinST posted 11/13/2018 08:18 AM

Gather all the evidence you can and expose to family and friends
Nothing kills and affair faster.

next thing, you seemed to take this to lightly at first... there were no consequences .. you merely suggested counselling.
Grow a pair and start acting as a protector should. she does not see you as one and thus you find yourself here. Don't get me wrong.. what she did is not your fault, but where is your passion? you seemed to take it in your stride.
many repeat BH's come back here for DD2 DD3 and so forth because they did offer any consequences and did not establish boundaries and keep to it.

work out your tactics and play your hand carefully. you are dealing with a cheater.

Edit: if she threatens to take your kids from you... its shows complete lack of respect and love for you... wake up and divorce this remorseless WW.

[This message edited by VinST at 8:20 AM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

twisted posted 11/13/2018 08:32 AM

Absolutely, blow it up! Drag the affair and her into the sunshine for all to see.

First of all, she is the enemy. Stop sharing your information with her.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. Contact a few lawyers, and see what your options are. Time to get in the game and protect yourself.

...and sleep in your own bed. If she doesn't like it, she can go elsewhere.

GoldenR posted 11/13/2018 08:34 AM

Jesus, you've dicked around doing nothing for long enough. It's time to act!

First, you can't lose your kids by exposing her affair. Erase all credence you may have put in that statement.

Second - WWs do not respect "nice". You can't nice her back to you. The only thing they respond to is decisive action.

Third, and most importantly: EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. To your family, to her family, to the OM's wife, to the OM's work (and let them know this started while he was indirectly your superior)

Finally - FILE. Tell her she has until it's final to convince you to call it off.

Butforthegrace posted 11/13/2018 09:01 AM

End your vacation on The Nile. Wake up to reality. She left you long ago.

Dismayed2012 posted 11/13/2018 09:57 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation cape.

Blow this up to everyone you and she know. They all need to know what she's been and is doing. Rock her world by revealing to truth to everyone. Then file for divorce and start negotiations from the point of you taking everything and her receiving nothing. And then take your life back. You are giving and have given her too much control over your future. Take the reigns back and steer the carriage where you want it to go. If she wants to jump off the let her. If in the end because of MA laws and idiot judges she takes the money and kids, who cares. Get your life back and strive for success in all that you do. It's about you now, don't forget it.

Jduff posted 11/13/2018 10:58 AM

process. Follow your divorce plan (make it only about protecting you and your kids), let your attorney help determine what is strategically "fair" (not what your you think is "fair" emotionally). Oh, and secure that "Divorce, Protect yourself, your kids and your future." book for your own resources and away from your STBXW. She doesn't care, and won't, until she hits rock bottom. It is her responsibility to get her own attorney now.

Use social media to document your time and activities with your children. For example, in my situation I started to explore cooking and would post pics of me and my kids trying out new recipes during the course of my separation and D process. I would also start posting picture and videos of our activities together. In my jurisdiction, those posts were court admissible as supporting evidence of my involvement in my children's lives, should my then WW tried and paint me as an uninvolved parent.

On the flip side, with dates and approximate times document your WW's absence (when she spends the time in her affair meeting the AP or communicating with him), her behavior toward you and your children and how it fluctuates before and after she engages with her AP. Anything unusual about her, document, document, document! Don't point any of it out to her, don't be obvious in your documentation as an attempt to manipulate her behavior. Just observer and document.

Your attorney likely has given you a check list to get your ducks in a row. You likely have something of an assets sheet to fill out. If you have not do this when your WW is not in the home, take pictures of EVERYTHING in the home a picture evidence, then when you have time list the assets in the home. The letter you wrote her initially about growing apart? Find it and secure it in your possession as well as any love letters to her since your Dday that may make any mention of concessions you are willing to make to get her to work on the M.

Get with the kids teachers and school counselor to discuss the impact the D will have on your children so that they are aware of any changes in mood, already know the source of it, then be able to contact you about it.

Get with therapists that specialize with children in divorce and setup up appointments for after you tell your children. Make sure that YOU make it clear that YOU are not going anywhere and that your will remain in their lives. Do not speak for their mother, she needs to speak to them herself.

If you have family close by, see if you can plan the logistics with them regarding picking up the kids if necessary, also with being able to spend time with other family so they can get a bit of break from home and the pending divorce.

Get ahead of her on all this so that the court it is YOU who has the children's best interest at heart and YOU who initiates these actions for their benefit.

Listen to your kids when they want to talk to you. Think of age appropriate ways to explain the truth and tell that truth WHEN THEY ASK. Let them be angry at you and vent to you about the situation. Agree with their feelings. Validate them. One of the things that will come out of the D based on how you handle this is whether the communication with your children either improves or declines. My own kids and I had bonded stronger through our process. They feel comfortable enough to tell me just about anything these days. They don't have that with their mother today. She avoids tough conversations, and thus my kids avoid having heart to heart talks with her.

Can you put in place temporary orders to make sure the kids stay in the home with you? Your WW wants to go live in her own world, you should encourage her to do so. Tell her she should get her own apartment so that the OM can feel safe continuing the relationship. Tell her the kids will just handicap her single lady lifestyle for the time being and hog all the free time she could spend towards the OM. Tell her she is free to come visit the kids anytime (just put in the orders the OM or any other men she sees is not welcome in the home).

I know a lot of this may sound like you will be throwing in the towel on the M. What it really means is your throwing in the towel on LIMBO. I'm sure you've read here once before, that you may have to be willing to lose the M in order to save the M. It's amazing how some waywards all of a sudden start to rethink things when you are giving them exactly what they want, of course at the price of losing their betrayed spouse.

Right now it is time to put words into action, capeaffair. How your WW reacts to the D filing and to process of dismantling the marriage will tell you everything you need to know as to whether you made the right decision or not. At this point, it is no longer your M to fight for. It is hers.

[This message edited by Jduff at 11:55 PM, November 13th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 11/13/2018 11:02 AM

I'm very sorry that you're here but what you have described is really pathetic, please stop being her doormat, she's been walking all over you, of course nothing is going to change since you out of pure WEAKNESS decided to rug sweep the entire thing, like someone else said, time for "No More Mr Nice Guy" and go NUCLEAR, FILE for D WITHOUT WARNING and have her SERVED AT WORK, EXPOSE THE A with ALL family and close friends, use the threat of exposure to HR as leverage for a better D settlement including children's custody, your WW left the M a long time ago, she's gone, so file for D TODAY and get out of infidelity, also DO NOT TELEGRAGH your moves, she's the enemy now and please get tested for STDs.

Robert22205https posted 11/13/2018 12:12 PM

Submit your evidence to HR and get the OM fired for dating your wife.

Fbtjax posted 11/13/2018 14:28 PM

It sucks that you're in this situation, but you're getting sage advice here. It sounds like you're headed down the right path with the D. That may shake her from the fog, and she'll see the light. Or, it won't. That's secondary to your own mental health. You're taking care of yourself here.

NoOptTo posted 11/13/2018 14:35 PM

The wrong person is sleeping out on the couch. She has disgraced the marriage vows, she loses the martial bed. Stand up for your rights. Time for her to start seeing some consequences for her selfish actions.

Ripped62 posted 11/13/2018 14:49 PM

It is the best money I have ever spent. You need to decide if saving a few dollars and living in infidelity is worth it.

Divorce is as expensive as each of you make it.

How much more can you take. You should have already addressed the other man and provided consequences to your wayward wife for her infidelity.

Ripped62 posted 11/13/2018 14:52 PM

Treat the divorce as a business negotiation or as JDuff stated divorce strategically leaving the emotions out of it.

It is actually a very prescriptive process.

I am curious why you think you will lose your kids?

Ripped62 posted 11/13/2018 15:02 PM

Do you think she has not scene the light because she is able to engage in adultery without consequences. She may enjoy having a husband and family plus other men in her life. Why does she have any impetus to change?

Her ethics, morality, or inner self seem more than okay with what she is doing to you and her children.

Perhaps you should have turned on the light for her to see.

In my opinion you should have addressed the other man and her infidelity long ago. If you would have shown light on his and her infidelity and continued affair results would be vastly different. It is not known if this is the results you desired.

What are you wanting in this relationship and what have you done to address her infidelity?

capeaffair posted 11/13/2018 16:30 PM

Thank you all for the speedy responses. I do get the idea now. We have no relatives close by and I am stuck at home with the children 5 and 8 and little time to invest into myself. I started a new business this year and have put resolving this all on the back burner. My therapist has also led me into the idea that it is myself that has caused this and not all her. I now know that I will need to start blowing up her world and letting our mutual friends and family know about this. I will follow through with D and begin to get my life back. I already am excited about beginning to call her my x to people we meet. I thought my initial exposure of their affair to his wife was enough, but I suppose she needs a reminder, which I will do asap. Thanks for the suggestions as I am quite alone here trying to raise two small children while my WW is at work the whole time. I have already felt like a single dad for years now, so I'm going to get used to being one.

Sanibelredfish posted 11/13/2018 16:40 PM

Sounds like you are a SAHD, cape. Your WW may be in for a rude awakening in D. If you get full or primary custody your WW may be paying you child support. Not sure about spousal support, but I suppose it is possible she’d have to pay that too for a period of time. Good luck!

Marz posted 11/13/2018 16:56 PM

My therapist has also led me into the idea that it is myself that has caused this and not all her.

Real bad advice. You did not cause her to have an affair. That was all on her.

You should have blown it up from the start instead of playing "pick me dance". That never works and just lowers your status while raising her OM's.

You have been way to accommodating while she's in an affair.

Full exposure without warning unless you just want to file for D.

You have let this go too long. Wake up !!!!