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Reading an old journal

FaithFool posted 9/16/2018 23:42 PM

I found my datebook from 2007/2008 in the basement this weekend. It's a chronicle of the transition from sharing a house with my elderly mom to the shitstorm that went down just before I joined here.

We were in the process of selling the house after she went into assisted living.

Wasband was on the road and disengaged from pretty much everything I was having to deal with while working full time and going through the stress of helping my mom adjust to her new normal. My life was:

- realtors

- my siblings who decided to start a war with me

- keeping the house in Martha Stewart mode for showings in the middle of the financial meltdown (it took six months to sell)

- moving half our stuff into a temporary rental so he could come off the road and not have to be in Martha Stewart mode

- looking at other houses for us to buy

- spending every weekend doing the "keep" "donate" "send to the dump" routine with my mom and her stuff, she just didn't have the energy to engage, it was heartbreaking and took forever...

- managing the contractors for the house we eventually decided to buy, which turned out to need massive drain work including a new connection to the main sewer line

- shopping for and deciding on finishes, carpet, tile, light fixtures, paint colours, etc etc with a disengaged and grumpy spouse who was texting the OW from the next aisle over in Home Depot

- having the old car die in the middle of it all, in the dead of a really cold, damp, miserable Wet Coast winter

It's page after page of endless to-do lists, and notes on how exhausted I was, having nightmares and getting a lot of migraines, just generally feeling drained and unwell for the entire year before DDay, while trying to keep it together with numerous yoga classes and a semi-regular gym schedule.

My mom started having lots of falls, visits to ER, and endless liquid poop events, and the siblings actually had the balls to make accusations of neglect.

Wasband started his last affair with the in-town sidepiece, shared ALL my family shit with her AND referred her to our massage therapist so every time I went for a desperately needed massage and acupuncture session I had to put my face where hers had been.

Then I got the STD and had a bad reaction to the antibiotics, and spent nearly a week laid up in bed feeling like I was actually going to die.

Reading it all now I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the loony bin. Seriously...


[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:49 PM, September 16th (Sunday)]

Superesse posted 9/17/2018 00:14 AM

Oh, FaithFool!!! Yes....hard to believe this was you, as I have come to "know" you from your New Beginnings. I hope looking back at that saga gives you more peace with your current life, than regrets over the energy you were expending with ExWH, although I suppose there could always be regrets (like we all have, for the loss of it all, if nothing else.)

For some reason, this sounded a LOT like my life, post D-Day 1, which was way back in Oct. 2002.

I guess we did what we had to do...glad to be well out of it...

better4me posted 9/17/2018 10:17 AM

Reading it all now I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the loony bin. Seriously.

And this was all BEFORE Dday? Wow. Going through all of that and then facing the aftermath of his A? sheesh

It is strange that we don't know how strong we are until we are tested. And during the toughest times, we survive by just doing the "next thing" that needs to be done. Looking back through that datebook I hope you can see your freaking awesomeness!

TrustGone posted 9/17/2018 12:20 PM

You are truly a special person. You showed how strong you were and didn't wind up in the looney ben. I sometimes read old journals and think back and wonder how I survived it all. When it is happening you just put one foot in front of the other and go on. Just look at it as how far you have come.

gardenparty posted 9/17/2018 12:56 PM

Do you think that maybe some of your fatigue and health issues were because you subconsciously knew something was wrong? I question this because I got sick when my EX was in his affair and I am never sick. Looking back I truly believe that my body knew before my head did.

northeasternarea posted 9/17/2018 13:44 PM

I hope you realize how amazing you really are.

FaithFool posted 9/17/2018 14:01 PM

Thanks everyone! It really has been quite a ride...

@gardenparty, yes, I do think that sometimes, my body was in tune with what was going on.

I was also writing songs that had scenarios that had nothing to do with what I thought was going on in the marriage, so the muse was speaking pretty loudly as well

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:02 PM, September 17th (Monday)]

wildbananas posted 9/17/2018 14:29 PM

This is just an example of how awesome you are, FF.

SoHappyNow posted 9/17/2018 14:45 PM

This is just an example of how awesome you are, FF.

I heartily agree, wild bananas!

I want to be you when (if) I grow up, FaithFool!

HappyTree posted 9/18/2018 07:40 AM

OP- Did you ever take this test?

You might find it fun to try. I did. The year of the affair I scored above 560. If you score above 300, they give you an 80% chance that you will experience a serious illness. After taking this test and seeing my score, I can't believe I didn't die.

[This message edited by HappyTree at 7:46 AM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 9/18/2018 11:21 AM

Wow. Just wow.

hardtimesinlife posted 9/18/2018 21:55 PM

Wow. You are one tough cookie

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