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Feeling devastated. Would like support please.

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josiep posted 9/16/2018 15:27 PM

I understand. I too was gregarious and outgoing and always envisioned my family and friends in large gatherings celebrating holidays and life events. Never happened, he was Mr. Anti-social and over time, ended up succeeding in me isolating myself. I now rarely leave my house and I'm really struggling with that aspect of my new life.

He's an only child, I only had one brother who I'm not especially close to because he's enough younger than me that we grew up sort of apart (in terms of being in school together, etc.) and and haven't lived near each other since I was 17 and him 14.

So I just don't know what to do with myself. I need to get rid of this house but I start to do things and don't follow through. Last night I got so sad, I laid on the bed and watched My Cat from Hell for 4 hours. Didn't even make anything for supper until 10 PM. Then hardly slept all night and today I've been just piddling around on the computer. I live across the street from the ocean. I need to go over there and refresh my spirit. I need to write in my journal. I need to do anything other than what I'm doing. And since I've read your post, I've come to understand that I'm not just grieving the end of my marriage, I'm grieving the end of my dreams for family. And, although I know it's not rational, that makes me feel like I wasted my entire life.

I'm sorry - I'm not being very supportive. But I will say that when I feel like this, I do remind myself that this is part of the famous roller coaster and that it won't last. When I felt like this last year, I didn't have that insight and thought I was going to feel like that forever. But damn, we didn't do anything wrong so why do we have to feel like this for even 5 minutes ever, let alone for 2 days straight???!!

Phooey on them. Rat Bastards.

Ratpicker posted 9/16/2018 21:14 PM

Yes - adultery & divorce stole all my Norman Rockwell dreams.

Yes - the kids don't "get it" but really, this site is proof that the people who "get it" are the ones who have lived it. Would you want that for your kids? That is how I deal with it! It hurts like holy hell. But I tell myself, I would much rather they be totally ignorant of what this feels like, because the only way for them to know is for it to happen to them.


It sounds as if some of these cheaters tried to bond in some sick way by sharing their secrets with children. My therapist heard some of what had transpired in my family and called it emotional incest. I don't think anything physical happened, but my X treated my daughter as if she were the vice-wife, his confidant in ways that were not emotionally or age appropriate. And I am completely estranged from my daughter. I thought it would kill me, but it didn't. I couldn't imagine a life that wasn't full of interaction with my kids. But... I did live. My relationship with all of them is strained, full of secrets and lies. It hurts. I have had enough of lies to last four lifetimes. Hate it but I have to remind myself not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain). I just don't believe that they get it - and I don't want them to.

GraceLove posted 9/18/2018 03:48 AM

josiep

he was Mr. Anti-social and over time, ended up succeeding in me isolating myself. I now rarely leave my house and I'm really struggling with that aspect of my new life.

When I read this I thought...how is it that these cheaters are so much the same? My STBX was also anti-social and then he 'pulled a geographical' and moved us to the other side of the world. That was the one way he could really isolate me. And it worked. However, I would encourage you to not let him win. Rarely leaving your house is a win for him. I know it's hard. I can really relate. And I suppose, for me, I have gotten more into the habit of self compassion and I allow myself to have a day that's a complete 'wash'. Knowing that it won't last forever.

I live across the street from the ocean. I need to go over there and refresh my spirit. I need to write in my journal.

How lovely...it's an hour drive to the ocean on my end. If you decide to go journal at the ocean tomorrow...post it here:)

I have found that journaling has been a huge part of my healing. Sometimes I think it's cause I want my kids to read it if anything happens to me so they know the truth (which is just my truth and reality) and mostly I journal to help me process all this crap.

But damn, we didn't do anything wrong so why do we have to feel like this for even 5 minutes ever, let alone for 2 days straight???!!

Yip. The anger I feel still, even though it's been 15 months from Dday, is still huge. Doesn't last as long and I have to pray it away but yeah, it sucks!!!

GraceLove posted 9/18/2018 04:01 AM

Ratpicker

this site is proof that the people who "get it" are the ones who have lived it. Would you want that for your kids? That is how I deal with it! It hurts like holy hell. But I tell myself, I would much rather they be totally ignorant of what this feels like, because the only way for them to know is for it to happen to them.

I actually never thought of that. That's true. It does reframe things for me. I guess I want them to understand me. But that's not going to happen. It can't. How can anyone know the pain or the vile hatred one can have for their ex? I didn't know I could hate someone so much or be so angry at another human being as I have been with X.

tried to bond in some sick way by sharing their secrets with children. My therapist heard some of what had transpired in my family and called it emotional incest. I don't think anything physical happened, but my X treated my daughter as if she were the vice-wife, his confidant in ways that were not emotionally or age appropriate.

This is it exactly. My youngest DD said the other day..."if dad had treated you the way he treats me now (that they are on such good terms) you guys may not have gotten divorced" She even called him on the fact that he was treating her like he should be treating me (when we were together, just a few weeks before Dday). My dilemma is: I see all this crazy shit and how can I tell my DD? It's so sick. And of course I never think of what to say in the moment. I go into freeze. I should have said: "Yes, he used to treat me that same way he treats you." But then I would be tempted to add: As long as you don't stand up to him OR, don't you think it's odd that he treats you as he should have been treating me?

And I am completely estranged from my daughter.

So sorry to hear that. Do you mind me asking is it because she can't see your point of view and he love bombs her? I get along with my DD as long as we don't talk about anything too deep. It's horrible.

not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain)

I will have to remember this.

Can I ask how long it has been for you? And do you think that if you JADE for a long time, the kids will see his true colours?

[This message edited by GraceLove at 4:01 AM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

josiep posted 9/18/2018 06:40 AM

I got up early today and thought about walking over to the beach. Opened the front door at 6 AM and the blast of hot humid air blew me right straight back into my nice A/C house.

But, yes, I do need to start journaling on a steady basis again because i have so much in my brain that wont' slow down and putting it into words will help.

GraceLove posted 9/18/2018 16:46 PM

Good first steps joseip! It all counts.

cancuncrushed posted 9/24/2018 01:02 AM

WE are living this also....WH is NPD...he left me for OW...and we are Ding...It was very cruel.

SInce he has gone NC with me, he started love bombing our two grown children...first...he alcoholic...so they question everything he does...its all of a sudden, this love bombing...hes never been there for them..

They caught on immediately.....however, they feel they should keep some level of relationship with WH..they worry about his health..its difficult... for everyone..

In the meantime, I feel very hurt...I know what hes doing...they know what hes doing...but he still gets away with so much...and its usually against me..he is still trying to punish me...he is completely unrecognizable to me. I get upset to even hear his name...Im working on that. This is exactly why I stayed so long...I knew how he was going to be in D.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:05 AM, September 24th (Monday)]

annanew posted 9/24/2018 03:31 AM

Ok, so my daughter is all of 5 years old, so perhaps I don't relate to having older kids... but why do you need to grin and bear it? And until when... until they have their own kids or until they experience infidelity on their own? What if neither of those things happen? EVER? Do you just lose your kids and accept it?

I'm inclined to say FIGHT. Tell it all like it is. I don't think hearing anything you say is going to hurt them worse than effectively losing their mother for decades, and then having to cope with their own guilt and grief over that once they realize they pushed you away. (again... if that ever happens.)

They may not come around right away, but I am not understanding why you would continue to bite your tongue, unless you have a martyr complex or something. Life is messy, you can't stay clean all the time.

Give them grief for keeping secrets from you, too. Sure, they were young. But why didn't you deserve to know your husband was considering divorcing you? Why did they keep his secret at your expense? (I don't really blame a kid in grade 6 for doing this of course ... but I think it will be an eye-opening experience for them if you let them know the ONLY excuse for that was their young age, and if they did that today, you'd be PISSED.)

Your kids need to hear what you have to say. They may not understand it for a few years. But if you stay silent they may not ever understand it, or it will take decades.

annanew posted 9/24/2018 03:42 AM

Also.... SOMEONE has got to roll their eyes LOUDLY at the "beautiful, vulnerable" relationship thing. Good grief. Is she playing Brene Brown on repeat or something?

I know it won't be you. But I hope your youngest daughter's friends can mock some sense into her.

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