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Different perspective

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NoOptTo posted 5/3/2019 03:37 AM

Once again, your showing the class you have ATG. Showing your STBXWW she can have the kids for a portion of her birthday even though it falls during your parenting time. I agree with the others, she will try to spin it that she is the victim. That this is all your fault. Keep pushing along the D. Once its final, the pleasant interactions can cease. You can begin a true NC unless it concerns the children.

AFL1000 posted 5/3/2019 05:16 AM

Support what each of the other members have said...but keep documenting everything, especially your efforts to compromise on the co-parenting by allowing her to have the kids over on the weekend for her birthday even though it was your turn to have them. It is unlikely, given what we know about her, that she is keeping the same meticulous documenting of times and events that you are.

Given that the kids have a preference to be with you, in the event that she tries to use the kids against you in the divorce or with her family or friends by claiming 'ATG turned our kids against me' (not an unknown tactic) you documenting her losing her temper and screaming at the kids and your willingness to let her have the kids on her unscheduled weekend will go far to negate any possible accusations of you trying to manipulate the kids against her.

Be cautious of her future actions as the divorce proceeds and her new reality hits home ...Oh crap ATG used to take care of this!!!

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:26 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 5/3/2019 05:37 AM

Trust me - itís a process .
I often type those emails, pointing out what I really think of my stbxw.
I then send it to a friend .
She would reply ď great email - but donít sent itĒ
And itís true.
I canít be the one, inflaming the situation .

I talked to the kids ; they will go to her after all, in the morning.
Iím glad , I have shown that I am committed to the 50:50 split.
So it canít be twisted against me in future .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:40 AM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 5/3/2019 05:41 AM

AFL - I have documented everything and discussed it with my lawyer. He has taken notes.

Atg100 posted 5/4/2019 15:02 PM

The kids agreed to spend the long weekend with their mum, after all.
My boy had asked to see his psychologist and luckily we got an appointment on Saturday morning.
We then agreed that I would take them to their mother afterwards.
My boy asked me not to talk to my stbxw about what the psychologist said.

My wife knew that we had this appointment and was keen to hear the outcome of the discussion.
I could only say - "Our boy had asked me not to talk to you about it; maybe ask him yourself."

And then left.
( The psychologist was not worried. He felt that this was all within the normal range of how kids adjust to a new situation.)

Whilst I am sad that they are not with me, I am glad that they are with her this weekend: This could have always spun against me.
" He is poisoning the kids against me "
" He didn't allow me to see my children on my birthday"

The way it turned out:
I discussed the best actions with my lawyer.
I documented what happened.
I got an urgent appointment with the child psychologist.

Marz posted 5/4/2019 15:10 PM

You're doing well in a bad situation.

Its good you are seeing the reality now. Only then can you effectively deal with it.

Atg100 posted 5/4/2019 15:32 PM

The stbxw doesn't.
She still smiles at me and signs emails : xx.
She must still think that I am her chump, desperate to have her back.

Marz posted 5/4/2019 15:38 PM

I know a guy who faked the Mr Nice Guy routine until the final papers were signed. It worked out great for him.

He did say it was hell going through it though but worth it.

Apparently you're a good actor/faker.

Maybe you have a future in show business

AFL1000 posted 5/4/2019 22:12 PM


I'm impressed with your son ...asking you to arrange an appointment with his psychologist shows maturity beyond his years and clearly shows he has trust and feels comfortable talking to him/her. Does he confide in you about his feelings about the separation or does he prefer to talk about this with his psychologist?

I am sure you have recognised that her smiles at handover or the xx on the emails are all false and a continuation of her game playing. I am glad you are not being suckered in by any of this.

Any movement on getting the divorce documentation hurried along or is she still stalling?

Atg100 posted 5/5/2019 01:18 AM

AFL - yes the psychologist is very good and he makes my son comfortable.
One important lesson for my son is - if you have an emotional problem, talk about it.
My wife and her family all have communication problems.
He may not talk to me in great details - and I suspect I know why: Kids feel guilty if they seemingly chose one parent over the other. So, I am happy, if he talks it out with the psychologist, rather than with me.
As long as he talks.

My lawyer suggested to wait until next week.
If we then haven't heard, we should threaten to go to court.
I asked him to send one "friendly reminder " next week.
I don't want to force the mother of my children to come to court, regardless of what a she has done to me. But there has to be a line in the sand.

NoOptTo posted 5/5/2019 09:15 AM

I agree that you have to draw the line into he sand ATG. Your STBXWW will prolong the entire process til you put your foot down again. She will continue to fence sit as long as you allow her to. She has continued her games with you trying to act as if all is good and that you will return to her and she will continue to do things as she has always, keeping you as her financial support. Bet you cant wait to stop needles conversations with her and to get on with your own life raising your kids in a stable surroundings when you have them. Remember she is no longer your monkey and not your circus. Just be the stable parent for your kids. Your STBXWW is proving not to be such a great single parent.

Atg100 posted 5/5/2019 14:30 PM

I hope that she is great with the kids. I have to, I need to know that my kids are well looked after when they are with her.

Today is her birthday.

I wish not to send her a Happy Birthday message, but again - I have to weigh up, what I may lose if things are becoming openly aggressive, or passive aggressive.
The easy answer is : don't say "Happy Birthday" if you don't wish her one.

But my kids will ask me if I said " Happy Birthday" and they will not understand why not.

How about:
On your special day, I wish you good luck. I hope this day will fill up your heart with joy.

This is as close to a "grey rock " birthday message as I can imagine.

( Again, my preferred message would have been, silence , followed by "go, f... yourself)

NoOptTo posted 5/5/2019 16:01 PM

You dont have to message her a happy birthday. Your actions enough, by allowing her to have the children should speak of your wishes for her. If she is that needy for ego kibbles Bout her birthday, your D proceeding will devolve anyway due to her personality. Not wishing her a happy birthday will make a difference.

If she ask why you didnt wish her one, just tell her you did one better. You let her have the children for her birthday. Actions speak louder then words in my world.

Atg100 posted 5/5/2019 16:11 PM

Two thoughts :
1) the long game.
2) in a twisted way, a formal message from a ďgrey rock ď is actually less emotional than not sending a message .
Not sending a message : ď oh he is angry with me, because I broke his heart . He must have really loved meĒ = kibbles.
A business-like message later in the day means I have done enough to remain polite enough, but not really interested.

NoOptTo posted 5/5/2019 16:16 PM

Playing the long game has shown you well so far. I'm sure you'll get an earful from your son when you pick him up for his class later this week. Your STBXWW truly has no idea the quality man she is losing.

AFL1000 posted 5/5/2019 19:58 PM

My 2 cents why not:

"Hope you enjoyed having the children with you to celebrate your birthday."

Short and makes the point. I agree with NoOptTo, you gave her the gift of letting the kids be with her on her birthday on an unscheduled weekend.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 8:01 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 5/5/2019 20:02 PM

I would just do a "Happy Birthday". Nothing more

Why embellish it?

Atg100 posted 5/5/2019 21:34 PM

Yes , I went short and sharp but still got a thank you xx.
Ah well, I can give her kibbles on her birthday , my last 11 years have been like that.
And least, those didnít cost money

Sunny69 posted 5/8/2019 19:56 PM

Hi ATG100, I haven't checked in for a while and just wondered how you are doing?

skerzoid posted 5/8/2019 23:19 PM

Well Doc, I got to say that I'm glad we got out of the British Empire while the getting was good.

Our divorce laws are bad enough, but you Aussies got a real rough deal. This year of hell before you can even divorce sucks.

I'd ship her off to the Outback without even a Bloomin' Onion if I had to deal with her sorry traitorous ass.

You can get mad here Doc, let it out and stay calm with her. Once the deal is signed, you are still going to have contact with her the rest of her life. But make it as little as possible.

She will lose it the first time she hears you are out and about if you know what I mean.

Revenge will be you moving on and finding that woman out there that is more than she could ever be.

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