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Different perspective

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Marz posted 4/22/2019 20:25 PM

Your only path will be a tight NC. It'll take awhile for her to realize she doesn't matter.

I've seen this before.

You should be crushed and pinning for her. In her mind she is irreplaceable. Apparently her mom is a loon too so NC for them as well.

When she realizes you don't care the crazy will ramp up for awhile.

Yep your so called friend did you no favors by hiding her actions from you. Bye bye

[This message edited by Marz at 8:27 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 4/22/2019 20:49 PM

Her mum is blocked on my phone , that was the easy part.
With my stbxw- much harder.
Both kidsí birthdays are coming up, holidays need to be sorted, weekends fairly divided.
The birthday organisation triggered a funny email:
Apparently we should organise it together as a family .

I told her that she can organise my daughterís birthday and I will organise my sonís this year and we swap next year.
They are only a week apart .
I didnít comment on the family bullshit.
As far as I know, my kids and I are a happy family of 3.

Marz posted 4/22/2019 20:56 PM

Yeah unfortunately you have to maintain some contact but you can limit it.

A friend of mine went though this same senario. It's taken his X a year or so to get it. They seem to still try periodically but it will lessen.

Nothing you can't get through.

You are correct she destroyed the family so you have to deal with it.

It'll get better and normalize.

It does suck though

AFL1000 posted 4/22/2019 23:21 PM

The birthday organisation triggered a funny email:
Apparently we should organise it together as a family.

I cannot believe she is still dangling the "we can still be friends and organise kids special days as a family". Glad you cut that idea off at the knees. I like your solution with regards to organising your kids birthdays.

We mentioned a while back that 'blood is thicker than water' so none of us are in the least bit surprised that your MIL is blaming you for the divorce. Most likely based on the rewriting of your marital history by your STBXW.

By the way have you kept in touch with your SIL? ..she appeared to be your ally and you said she was in your corner and not at all supportive of her sister's affair or blaming you for the marriage breakdown. Has she kept you informed of what is happening on the inlaw front.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 1:11 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 4/23/2019 01:05 AM

SIL - itís actually her cousin, the daughter of her maternal sister.
That whole side of the family have actually been amazing.
The aunt not believing any of the crap my MIL is telling.
The uncle helping me to get a second opinion from an experienced family lawyer.
The cousin and I are talking a lot.
But that has always been the case for the last 10 years.
And it has not changed since our separation .
My MIL wanted to forbid the cousin to talk to me, as I wasnít family.
But she got told that the cousin talks to whoever she wants to .

AFL1000 posted 4/23/2019 01:21 AM

Ah thanks for the clarification. So glad that part of the family is not accepting any of the crap your STBXW or your MIL have been spreading about you or justifying your STBXW 's reasons for the divorce...because of course she didn't have an affair according to your MIL

Atg100 posted 4/23/2019 01:23 AM

No , she felt lonely because I worked too much.
This loneliness drove her to seek ďAceĒ as just a friend

Atg100 posted 4/24/2019 15:21 PM

And she keeps on doing it:
Offers help with a friend's birthday party.
Discusses things with the hosts mother, as if we are a happy family.
Signs emails xx and her nick name.

I felt like telling her where my boundaries are;
but I have a good friend who tells me:
"Forget about all the little skirmishes.
Concentrate on the financial separation and the child custody".
He is right.
My day will come.

Unbroken78 posted 4/26/2019 02:20 AM

You said you are getting screwed over in the divorce settlement anyway?


So...why are you being so nice?


It seems like you have nothing to lose by exercising a bit of righteous indignation at this stage.


Unless you want to be friends later...no harm in turning bad bridges into good ashes. Some of my best decisions in life, were to lay down a clear "here is who I know you are and why I won't have anything to do with you ever again...and why I'll be happy to publicly explain this to everyone we know" type conversations.


Lions don't concern themselves with the feelings of the hyenas. They sometimes turn them into lion poop or buzzard food...

Atg100 posted 4/26/2019 17:42 PM

I am waiting for my moment.
I have heard a lot of stories of former partners going completely loopy in the divorce proceedings:
One example : a friend got cheated on.
They decided to get divorced , it seemed reasonably amicable.
They had already separated for months, when he found a new partner .
The soon to be ex wife turned completely :
Domestic violence complaints against the husband which were completely unfounded.
He wasnít able to see his kids unsupervised and had enormous costs, fighting those charges.
And here in Australia , many females use the domestic violence complaints as a weapon. A social worker at work told me of the many cases she has observed.

In our 11 year relationship , I have raised my voice twice.
Never a hand.

But I would be on the back foot, I would be the one who had to disprove such accusations .

No, think of me as the male lion who lies in the sun eyes closed .
You think he is asleep.
But he notices everything and will strike when the time is right.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:58 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 4/26/2019 17:58 PM

[This message edited by Atg100 at 6:19 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 4/27/2019 03:35 AM

I have been thinking a little more about if I tell her about my recent discovery that there were more than one man.
And what I think of her overall.

As I said before, it would make the divorce proceedings probably harder .
But there is another thing - at the moment , Iím spending time with my boy on one of ďher ď days.
I drive him to judo class, watch the class and drive him back.
Letís just assume she gets defensive and I canít do that anymore.
I donít think for a moment that anything I would say now, will open her eyes to what a person she is.
It doesnít make a difference to our divorce .
But I could lose time with my children.
Thatís worth so much more.

paboy posted 4/27/2019 03:49 AM

Hmmm... There is another thought regarding your ww actions you might want to consider. If you inform her that you know of what she has done. i.e. shed more light on the situation, she may find that she can no longer hide behind this shield of pride, arrogance, and stubbornness, and may soften, and be more willing and amiable in further divorce plans.

Atg100 posted 4/27/2019 04:36 AM

Yes , that is true.
Unless - she is a narcissist .
Which is what i and also my psychologist , who was our marriage counsellor think.
Then nothing gets through

paboy posted 4/27/2019 05:05 AM

oh I do remember you mentioning that. Sorry.

The long game seems to be the best at this point.

paboy posted 4/27/2019 14:26 PM

Been thinking about this all night. With your long game, you may need to record every blow up etc that she has. Have your phone on record, of VAR activated so that a history is established. Because she may(can) hang the abuse card over you for the next ??? years.

Unfortunately, not an appropriate situation moving forward.

Need to get your head around how to live through this and it not effect your quality of life, your personality, your outlook.

Positive thoughts for you going forward.

Arthur posted 4/27/2019 15:01 PM

Good afternoon,

What are the laws there concerning one party consent for taping a conversation? Also what right to privacy does she have an expectation to in your home since it is still in both your names ???

Finally she is branch swinging. Obviously ace is not coming though financialy. Watch your step and keep snoozing in the sun.

Marz posted 4/27/2019 16:21 PM

I suspect nothing you do will change anything. You can't project normal rational thoughts onto her. Even if she is wrong it just can't be her fault. Nothing ever will be.

If it were me after the ink is dry on D I'd print off all the extra evidence you found and just mail it to her anonymously.

My way of saying I know exactly who you are. If it were me I'd never bring it up and ignore any explanation.

The only way to play her is to "never play".

Marz posted 4/27/2019 16:23 PM

As for false domestic violence charges. You can now limit any interaction.

Never go into her home or allow her into yours.

I'd keep a car handy though just in case.

Atg100 posted 4/27/2019 16:41 PM

I think the swinging branch analogy is correct.
Why else would she stall the divorce proceedings?
I recently introduced her to my boy's guitar teacher ( via email ), using her maiden name.
She freaked out " I am still Mrs ATG ".
But why???

As for recording:
I keep a "captain's log".
It's easy with email, but I also keep every text message and always make a note at handover.
This note is time stamped. I quickly dictate a summary of where and when me met, how long it took and what was discussed.

I have entered her house only once (when my son was sick and asked for me), handover of the children is always outside.
My own emails are always polite, unemotional and to the point.
Dependent on mental state, her emails sway between, short and snappy (when I say I don't want to pay for something) and full of XX and signed with her nickname when she wants something.


As for my own mental health, going through all this: As a doctor, I am used to record everything I am doing, being prepared that what I write, may be read by the coroner. So the status of being accountable is not new to me. It feel more like security.


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