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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 3/30/2019 15:55 PM

Thanks guys,
I think she tells me about the "many factors' for only one reason:
She wants to be able to justify why she will take 60% of our assets, after having given me her word twice that she will not take me to the cleaners.
She will now justify that she is entitled to my cash, because she sacrificed her best years for me, brought up the family and enabled me to be this high earning doctor.
Whilst, I of course was this awful person to be with.
I think that this is the reason.

Anyway - within the legal framework I don't have much wiggle room anyway.

She will have to live with herself and the way she is going on about it now, means she will just remain some selfish person with no values.

Marz posted 3/30/2019 16:09 PM

She will have to live with herself and the way she is going on about it now, means she will just remain some selfish person with no values.

That will be easy for her to do because that is who she is.

Unfortunately for you and the kids. It seems like you want to expect more from her. Perhaps for her to "get lt". That will only get you constant dissapointment.

Marz posted 3/30/2019 16:10 PM

If you can get into and maintain a hard no contact policy you will free yourself but it only works if you fully apply it.

Atg100 posted 3/31/2019 01:08 AM

No contact would be easier without kids.

My daughter lost all her shoes ( kindergarten, nanny's car ), as she never likes to wear them and takes the off as soon as she can.
So I get a text, if I have any shoes for her.
My boy has nut allergies, he had a frightening coughing fit, my stbxw had to give him antihistamines and wanted me to give further advice.
I always answer those messages, because I could imagine, that a non-response gets used against me in the family court.
" See, the doctor doesn't care about his children's well-being... and shoes"
But just because of these type of issues, she had already texted me twice today.
I don't initiate any of this crap, but surely she could have fixed up the shoe problem, without asking me. And taken the boy to a doctor.

I keep my answer short and polite but this is not no-contact.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 1:26 AM, March 31st (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 3/31/2019 08:04 AM

When it comes to issues concerning your children, yes always response. That is what a loving parent does. Now after your D is final, you can choose to wait to respond if it's not a emergency. Keep all communication through email. Open them when your ready to look at them on your time table. But now, keep doing what your doing.

As for her needing to justify all her poor choices. It can be summed up simply. She lacks values and morals that you posses. She knows your the stronger person. So she has to find ways to level the playing field in her mind. You can hold your head high every time you see her. Know that you have and kept your end of marriage vows. Even offered the gift of R which she repeatedly threw away due to her lack of values and morals. She may and probably will get a good portion of your money in the short term because it's all a out her. But in the end, she will never find true happiness because she has never dug deep to find out her whys. You will recover, you will keep teaching your children the values and morals they should have. You will find happiness before she will even if she finds someone first and flaunts it your face. Because for her it's all shallow.

Stay strong. Stick to NC when it's anything outside of concerning the children. Let your lawyer earn his money.

Atg100 posted 3/31/2019 14:14 PM

Thanks Nooptout,
It is an interesting co-incidence that I came to a similar conclusion yesterday:
I have got values, I can express my emotions.
I was prepared to sit in counseling and discuss my point of view and was open to constructive criticism.
I have been civil throughout the whole aftermath of the affair, I raised my voice once, but have otherwise been polite and goal orientated.

She has done nothing of that.
She is immature, unable to express herself, chose an affair to get out our marriage and now practices blame shifting as her way of coping with all the crap she has created.
I am better than her on so many levels, yet until now, I have elevated her on some kind of pedestal, whilst really, she tried to suck me down to her school ground petty games.

I have struggled a little bit with this explanation, because it is the mother of my children I am talking about here.
But - she is really not that deep....

NoOptTo posted 3/31/2019 14:32 PM

No need to struggle with the though that she is the mother of your children. You are the FATHER of your children. Where she is shallow, you have deep roots in values, morals, and commitments. Hold your head up high. In the end you will better off. The pain of seeing the one you choose to love hurt you so intentionally sucks. Now your breaking free of her blameshifting lack of morals. Always be truthful to your children. In an age appropriate way also. They will piece things together as they get older whether you lie to them or not a out her behavior. The more your honest with them, the more they will feel safe and secure with you. They will know you will always have their backs. They dont need any details. Just that mom made promises to dad. She broke those promises and we have to separate for my sanity. Also you tell them they have to behave for their mother as if you are there. She still is your mother and deserves that respect. Whether you decide to co-parent or parallel parent is up to you. The more toxic she becomes, the thought of parallel parenting may become more advisable. And as your doing, always stay involved with your kids social lives. Stay strong ATG. The beginning of the end will start when she finally sees her lawyer. You'll end up fine no matter how your D is resolved.

Atg100 posted 4/2/2019 17:15 PM

Yesterday my wife sent me an email, stating that her lawyerís meeting went well and that she will contact me regarding mediation .
This is unusual - usually her lawyer should contact mine for update on documents and seeking a mediaton appointment.
What does it mean that her appointment went well?
That he confirms she will get a lot of cash?
Or - is she hoping for an amicable mediation?
Again, nothing I can do, just wait.
Anyway - I have done my homework, Iím ready.

Bigheart2018 posted 4/2/2019 18:40 PM

She is playing with your head!!!. Tell her to contact your attorney with everything pertaining to the mediation and or divorce. You will only speak with her only if it's in regards to your children.

AFL1000 posted 4/2/2019 21:49 PM


It is possible her lawyer has recommended the mediation route, especially as you have what appears to be a functioning co-parenting process in place. A mediation does not preclude involvement by the respective lawyers, but if appropriate they can assign negotiations to a qualified mediator.

I'd certainly be calling your lawyer to see if her lawyer has discussed mediation. I agree with Bigheart that you should not be discussing any issues with her that pertain to the divorce. That's your lawyer's job or done using the impartiality of a mediator.

Keep us posted.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 10:17 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 4/2/2019 22:29 PM

Thank you - I wouldnít dream of going to mediation without my lawyer.
My financial situation is so complicated with different sources of income, a trust structure and - lots and lots of business loans and mortgage debts.
I would go there in good faith , frankly , I have no interest in a drawn out process , but I also need the help my lawyer and accountant .

Atg100 posted 4/5/2019 15:29 PM

This is my first weekend for me when I donít have the kids and im also not working.
I am in Sydney - I will be the MC at a wedding tonight.
Obviously people trust my believes in love and marriage ....

I do remember my wife crying when she walked down the aisle;
Looking back now , these were not tears of joy.

She recently told me that she had never felt any love or affection for me .
And used this as an excuse for her behaviour .
She doesnít realise that this would be a much more damning assessment of her character.
Why wait until after marriage and kids to drop such a bombshell? A person with integrity would have said no to the marriage proposal and stopped the whole charade.
Anyway, her loss.

Stevesn posted 4/5/2019 17:59 PM

Absolutely. And Iím glad you know that!

I hope that people at the event that know whatís going on with you are able to support you and you have a good time.

You will find love. Iím sure of it. There are lots of good women out there.

AFL1000 posted 4/5/2019 18:19 PM


"Anyway her loss". Mate that is the strongest statement you could make about her.

She recently told me that she had never felt any love or affection for me.

Well how many times have we heard on SI this phrase from a WW. Nice to see she is sticking to the requisite clause in the Cheaters' Handbook. This is just a shitty way of justifying their behaviour and to continue to get back at you for being strong and not playing any of her mind games. If she saw marriage to you as just a pay cheque and a way of getting a great lifestyle, then what does that make her? Insert any derogatory term you feel necessary.

If you wanted to, but knowing you you wouldn't, you could unleash some equally nasty comments about her character and her behaviours over the life of the marriage.

I don't doubt a comment like that hurts but she just continues to diminish herself in your eyes and in ours.

Enjoy your time in Sydney and your MC duties.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:22 PM, April 5th (Friday)]

NoOptTo posted 4/5/2019 18:47 PM

The key word you used in your last post is integrity. Your STBXWW has repeatedly shown you that she is lacking in it vastly. Through all her selfish actions. Bringing children into this world. And trying to snowball others into thinking she is a good person. She has to continually rationalize her poor choices to make her feel better.

You have treated her with much more more re6and love then she deserves from you. You are teaching your children values and morals. Your giving them someone to look up and be like when they grow up. Others see the integrity in you. Aka, the wedding your MC this weekend. And the family camping trip that you were invited to without you STBXWW.

Keep on trucking as the saying goes. Enjoy your weekend.

toby posted 4/5/2019 23:27 PM

She recently told me that she had never felt any love or affection for me .
And used this as an excuse for her behaviour .

Ask your lawyer if this statement from her can benefit you in the divorce settlement.

Atg100 posted 4/6/2019 17:58 PM

Toby - the Australian family court does not take those things into account.
I think the way the court here rules is very much protecting the woman of the relationship :
If for example the husband with a higher income cheats and the outcome is a divorce, the system protects the stay at home mum with young children very well.
In my case, higher income, my wife cheated, the system seems unfair . But you can only play by the rules, trying to fight them, cost money , and there wonít be an outcome.

The wedding was great. I was a bit nervous about the MC position, but apart from a few minor hiccups , things went to plan.
I was a bit upset seeing the happily married couple - but Iím sure that many SI members here had a great wedding ( myself included ) only to find out that they married a cheat.
The father of the groomís speech really upset me: this is a man full of integrity , proud father of 3 , saying that he had been married to his best friend for more than 30years.
I look up to him and hope that one day people will look at me in a similar light . But my role in life will be different I will be the proud father but not the man, being married to his best friend.
But a few more whiskeys and some terrible dancing on my behalf got rid of those negative thoughts ...

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:59 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]

toby posted 4/6/2019 19:08 PM

I understand ATG, but her statement brings your whole marriage into question. Questions like....was she ever faithful? Did she marry for financial reasons? And something I hate to mention but feel needs to be ask......your children paternity?

Atg100 posted 4/6/2019 19:25 PM

Hi Toby,
Yes, I have asked myself those questions.
Luckily my two kids are little ATGs in particular my son looks exactly like me , there is no paternity testing required.
I have recently found out much more about her character and lack of integrity : itís all altogether awful.
But the net outcome for me is all the same :
She is a horrendous person , I need to have as little as possible to do with her and just move on.

Atg100 posted 4/8/2019 07:06 AM

Who is more likely to thrive after intimate betrayal?
The betrayed partner who values his wellbeing, his relationships , his strength and his resilience or the one who devalues her life and most of the people in it ?

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