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Different perspective

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Stevesn posted 10/7/2018 14:57 PM

Iím not sure if youíve mentioned this, but it may be time to let the extended family in on what is going on. Parents, siblings.

You shouldnít be going thru this alone.

ďJust want you to know that wife and I are going thru a tough time. Sheís fallen for another man and doesnít think she loves me anymore. I donít know whether we are going to be able to work it out or go our separate ways, but either way we can use your support.Ē

Honestly, after this last ACTION, it will be hard for you to ever trust her again. Rebuilding that will take years and from your words I canít imagine sheís up for it.

Iím a pro-R kind of guy, but only when the WS is all in on reconciliation. Until you see and feel that, for years, donít waste your own effort. Let her drive the R side while you set up the separation and D. If she shows up determined and ready, you can always put things on hold.

Iíd let her know sheís welcome to other man as you are no longer interested. Chances are that will make him far less Interesting. Never any guarantees of course. Refresh your mind on THE 180 and continue to focus on yourself.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:59 PM, October 7th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 10/7/2018 15:08 PM

I told her mother yesterday about the latest instalment .
She is heartbroken by her daughters behaviour .
She will support the kids whenever she can; itís very hard, as she lives on the other side of the country.
The MIL also asked me to stay for the kids as long as there is a glimmer of hope, but feels equally resigned about the facts, as I do.
I told my sister .
My parents are elderly , they live in Germany, Iím in Australia.
It will absolutely destroy them, even from afar , they adore our children.
I have booked a few rental inspections to look at a new place later this week. I made contact with a lawyer and will see him on Wednesday . I will see my accountant to move any other assets I have into the company trust to pay off debts.
My wife is not a trustee.
That way she canít have any cash.
My superannuation is also in a self managed fund, quite well hidden actually.

Robert22205https posted 10/7/2018 16:23 PM

Yesterday I was ready to move out.
She begged me to stay until she has been to counselling ; that is on Tuesday.
I will wait until Tuesday , because of the kids.
Just on that odd chance , that itís worth staying.
Keep that 2 by 4 in the shed please.
Without kids, I would be gone yesterday

Don't delay. What odd chance are you hoping for?

What could possibly happen in IC (during a 1 hour session) that would make the shit sandwich she's feeding you taste good? She's still playing you.

Meanwhile, she's technically your wife - but she's his woman ...and will continue to be his woman until you take legal action.

Atg100 posted 10/7/2018 16:32 PM

You guys are correct.
I told her that I will move out and that we get a divorce .

anoldlion posted 10/7/2018 18:22 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I just can't understand and it boggles the mind when someone is faced with the loss of life as they know it, the loss of a good marriage, the loss of a husband who supports them financially and emotionally, who has been told that it's over if they do certain things, will defy all logic and intelligent decision making, and willfully commit those very forbidden actions. Knowing if they are found out that it's all over. The really sad part for the WS is that days or months or years after the hammer has fallen on their life they then see their callused mistakes and the destruction they could have avoided. My only advice is do what is right for you and your children. The woman you called your wife now belongs to another man. Call him up and tell him to come and get her. I do wish you well.

Atg100 posted 10/7/2018 19:56 PM

I talked to a divorce lawyer .
He advised against moving out before I know what matrimonial payments I have to make. He has seen guys struggle with mortage and rent plus the additional payments to which my wife is entitled .
I texted to my wife , she agrees that we can separate in an orderly fashion.

Marz posted 10/7/2018 19:56 PM

When you feed a cake eater they just want more.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:57 PM, October 7th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 10/7/2018 19:59 PM

No more cake.
Itís in the lawyerís hands now .
I will pay what I have to, but will legally reduce it to the minimum.

Marz posted 10/7/2018 20:02 PM

Nice work. Follow your attorneys advice that's what you hired him for.

Atg100 posted 10/8/2018 03:16 AM

My wife asked me for a trial separation for 3 months.
I didnít say yes or no to her - I said that she should discuss this at IC on Tuesday and I will discuss this in my IC on Wednesday.
It sounds to me that she just wants to keep me hanging on.
I would sit there for 3 months hoping she would come back.
And she could test her freedom and if she doesnít like it come back to her second best option ; Mr Nice Guy ATG100
I donít think that will work for me

Butforthegrace posted 10/8/2018 05:26 AM

"Trial separation" = "let me keep fucking around a bit longer"

It's like the alcoholic after an intervention who says "let me drink tonight and I'll quit tomorrow."

Atg100 posted 10/8/2018 05:28 AM

I have to hand it to you again :
You have your way with words

Stevesn posted 10/8/2018 15:54 PM

Doesnít the process where you live require 1 year separation before D anyway? Maybe Iím wrong.

But I agree. Iíd tell her something like ďtrial separations are for people who are working on themselves, their marriage and not in contact with their lovers. Since I have no faith after last night that you can ever go NC, then that wonít work for us.

I would never trust you werenít just using the time to focus on your new relationship with him. Iím not your plan B.

See whomever you want because you obviously love that person more than me. Iíll be working on my own healing, learning to live without you and focusing on the children.

Your actions donít match your words.Ē

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:16 PM, October 8th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 10/8/2018 16:47 PM

I told her something similar.
I said that I would never look at her phone again, so she just openly ďchatĒ with the other guy as much as she wants, meet him and do whatever. I suggested that it must be liberating not having to delete messages anymore.
I asked her not to introduce him to our kids for at least a year as a sign of respect for our childrenís pain.

I was open about my own feelings regarding a trial separation.
I would be hoping that she would come back , rather than rebuilding my life. I made it clear that I am the focus now, and in particular my new role as a part time father.

I thanked her for agreeing to an amicable divorce , that I will give her no grief and be fair.
She said that she always respected me to which I replied that her actions donít match her words.

Robert22205https posted 10/8/2018 18:18 PM

This is not the girl you married. Smart to talk with your attorney before doing anything.

Your WW sounds like she's head over heels for the OM and looking forward to actually living with the POS.

You can use her current 'in love' state of mind to your advantage by asking her to agree to custody and finances now while she's in her fantasy world.

When her plan to be with the OM fails (99% fail) then she will come crawling back, begging and crying ... and not being cooperative with the D.

Atg100 posted 10/8/2018 18:28 PM

Thanks - I use my values as guidance in these crazy times.
My lawyer will make decisions, we will offer out of court settlement and hopefully agree to a deal which allows me to look myself in the eye.
My finance are so bloody complicated anyway, I could never sort it out without legal and accounting advice.

Whatever she does with the other guy is not of my concern anymore ; I just donít want him introduced to my children.
Maybe in a year or later .

Anyway, yesterday and today were quite amicable , we did some housework together and then slept in separate bedrooms.
Iím polite and friendly but have stopped wearing my wedding band and donít touch her .
I can do this for a few weeks, thatís not a big deal.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:19 PM, October 8th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 05:23 AM

My wife talked to me today.
ď after talking to my mum, I realise how disgusting my behaviour was. ď
My thought was ď you needed your mum to tell you this???Ē
But I said ď itís ok. We now have to focus on the time ahead and whatís best for our children without having argumentsĒ

She is now gone to marriage counselling .
I wonder what the counsellor is telling her ?
If you want a marriage , itís a good idea not to cheat?

I canít even be angry with her. Iím completely numb.

Stevesn posted 10/9/2018 06:16 AM

She is a long way from being Remorseful. Her mom sounds Remorseful though. I guess thatís something.

Seriously, keep on your path. Itís the only way out right now.

Someday she may see the destruction sheís left in her wake. Even then there are dozens of things sheíd have to do to even start repairing what she destroyed. Even if she wanted to itís doubtful sheíd be up for that work.

Youíre doing the right thing and handling it the right way.

If the time ever came that you thought she was worth a try at R, youíd know it. This is not that time.

Go read some threads in WAYWARD SIDE. Youíll see there what truly Remorseful spouses look like.

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 06:32 AM

She is now back from counselling .
Apparently the counsellor told her that my beautiful love to her didnít allow her to self develop.
I nearly threw up.
Yes, Iím older than my wife , financially well off and have often fixed problems for her.
Iím a doctor , I work a lot and adore our family.
Iím not at all a materialistic guy , I get enjoyment out of sharing my money. I give a lot to charity, I paid twice for her parents who donít have much money to go on holidays with us.
They are grateful and never take it for granted. The dad is a builder and whenever he is here, he fixes and repairs everything in our house , often works more than spending time with the grandchildren. He has made more than up for what I have ever given him.
I love going camping more than being in a fancy hotel .
I have always been aware of this difference and aware enough not to put her in a golden cage.
I encouraged her to go back to work, once the kids are old enough, we donít need her income at all, we are both modest people .
And now that all is bad and encourages her to cheat ???
Admittedly she was there for an hour and this was all she told me. I will see the same counsellor tomorrow , I will go in with an open mind and listen.
My wife said ď itís not over yet ď - I didnít say anything

toby posted 10/9/2018 07:39 AM

My wife said ď itís not over yet ď - I didnít say anything
If sheís referring to her affair.......I Agee! Nothing new here, keep moving out of infidelity.

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