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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 3/22/2019 17:57 PM

Yes, I respond too much and it annoys me too much too.
When I was on holidays at the beginning of the year, I was in a much better headspace.
Iíll go to the coast with the kids tonight .

I think itís the combination of work stress, single parenthood and not much time for myself recently .
I also stress out about the financial side of things.
My income is good, I will weather the storm. But I come from humble beginnings; the fear of losing it all is real.

NoOptTo posted 3/22/2019 18:01 PM


I know your trying to be cordial to your STBXWW during the D process. At some point, and I think you know it, you have to cut out the extra communication with her. You know that you cant control her. She will continue to push your buttons only to get a reaction out of you. She doesn't get it. And the more she has to justify her actions only proves to you that your doing the right thing in D. ONLY RESPONSE TO HER WHERE IT CONCERNS THE CHILDREN AND THE D.... all other comments, please ignore at this point.

If you think it will get easier after D is over. The short answer is yes. The long answer maybe not depending on how much your STBXWW wants to make your life miserable. Then and only then will the grey rock approach to coparenting benefit you. Only time will tell.

Keep moving forward ATG. Keep yourself busy when you dont have your children. Your going to come out of this just fine. And stronger.

NoOptTo posted 3/22/2019 20:12 PM

I understand coming from humble beginnings and the fear of losing it all is real. There is a thread I believe back in the divorce/separation section based on fears v reality. It may help you sort through your fears.

Often times our fears over take our sense of reality. What is real is your a proven doctor. A loving parent. A loving spouse. Even if you think your STBXWW gets all that is comiing to her, aka your worst case scenario, in time you will recoup all that you have lost financially. Remember, it's only money. You can earn more over time. But will gain yourself back. Your self worth, your dignity, your self respect. You have shown what you have to offer your children. Life lessons on how to live an honest life. Live by your morals and values. These can never be taken away from you.

You are your children's rock. Enjoy the weekend with them.

Atg100 posted 3/23/2019 04:02 AM

Thank you for your kind words. They really help.
I had been upset .
- I felt I had to get out - I took the kids to Surfers Paradise.
We were having a lot of fun at sea world in the morning and swam all afternoon in the ocean.
Both are getting more confident in the ocean, it was a pleasure to see.
We are staying in a simple hotel right by the beach and are looking forward to go swimming again in the morning.
It was a good decision.

I had an unpleasant discussion with my stbxw about money yesterday : she is still an employee of my trust; a tax notice came through for her . I offered to pay it, as I benefit from making my support payments to her out of the trust fund until the divorce is settled.
But it became unpleasant.
I told her that I am too emotionally involved to be completely business like at the moment.
I asked her to from now on discuss finances only with my lawyer. This will cost me more but saves me getting emotionally too involved into the financial separation .
Itís a good trade off

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:09 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

AFL1000 posted 3/23/2019 04:46 AM


Enjoy the time with the kids in SP. I'm glad they are gaining confidence in the surf. Learning to swim and understand the Australian surf is really essential for living on our island continent.

Letting your lawyer deal with her about financial matters is yet another financial impost for you but will save you tons of angst. You did the right thing in cutting off the conversation. Your mantra should now be 'talk to my lawyer'. End of conversation.

With her not informing you of the double up in the spousal payment and hassling you about the tax notice does send the message that she may not be planning to 'play fair' on the asset distribution, although she said she would at the time you formally separated.

Is her meeting with her lawyer still scheduled for early April or do you think she will keep employing delaying tactics on securing legal representation for her own benefit? You are, I assume, paying her reasonable spousal support so why should she want to accelerate things when she has the Bank of ATG to call on!

Edited to add: do not tell her she is getting to you emotionally; it just plays into her hands to continue the mind games.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:53 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 3/23/2019 15:00 PM

I know what you mean about not showing too many emotions or in other words - feeding her ego.
However I explained to her that it was her messages which upset me and took my objectivity in the financial decisions away.
The consequence is that I now use my lawyer.
I felt it was worth pointing out that instead of waiting for more hopium, Iím pulling the shutters down.

NoOptTo posted 3/23/2019 15:41 PM

Good for you ATG. This is progress. The less contact you have, the easier it is for you to heal. Now to work on quick child exchanges with minimal contact with her and you will find you heal even quicker. Hope the children are enjoying the ocean. Maybe one day you can visit NY and enjoy the NY beaches with your children. Hey it's a possible goal you can set to take your mind away from your immediate troubles. Setting goals are good. Even if you need to make smaller ones to lead up to bigger ones. You can see your future, go for it.

Atg100 posted 3/24/2019 15:15 PM

Such a trip is a dream.
I have only been to the United States for conferences. I would like to to take the kids on a longer trip, my youngest just needs to grow up a little bit more.

I cried when my wife picked up the children.
She asked if I had a cold.
I just answered that I was sad seeing my kids leaving, that was all.
But " its my house and I cry when I want to..."

She later apologized in an email but had the audacity to write, that we would still be together if I had been such a dedicated father during our marriage.

There was so much I could have written.
How I always got up very early in the morning to be with them, whilst she was still asleep. How I took them on trips when she was too hung over to take part in family activities, because she went out with her girlfriends ( or AP ???) the night before.
How I made sure if work circumstances permitted , I would always bring them to bed, even if it meant returning to work once everyone was asleep.

But I replied nothing.

She must still have half a brain, because she emailed this morning, saying that she was sorry for the unhelpful comments.

This all makes the divorce much easier.

NoOptTo posted 3/24/2019 17:28 PM

So glad you did not reply to her self centered comments. And even she realized shebover stepped her bounds by sending an apology to you. This shows that she is calculating her comments to you to keep you on the hook. Please continue with not replying to anything not concerning your children's well being. Just file it all away. If she emails you anything financially, forward it to your lawyer. Your paying him for a reason. Peace of mind. Keep moving forward with the D. Your freedom is on the horizon.

AFL1000 posted 3/24/2019 18:13 PM

I am proud of the way you handled the situation. It was a low blow from her, esp mentioning that the marriage would still be intact if you had been a more dedicated Dad. WTF!!!!! Given what you have told us about her going out with her GFs and AP until 1 or 2 in the morning, coming home drunk and unable to function in the morning to supervise the kids, this is just selfish and again goes to her character, even if she tried to soften it with the later email.

I suspect this comment arose from the fact that she sees the kids are more attached to you than her because of the efforts you are making such as taking them camping and a weekend in Surfers, at the same time as juggling a highly demanding medical position.

Is your STBXW putting in the same level of effort when she has the kids. I would wager no.

Continue to stay strong; you will get through all this madness.

Freeme posted 3/25/2019 14:16 PM

But I replied nothing.

Wow! Fantastic...(non) response to her gibberish.

She must still have half a brain, because she emailed this morning, saying that she was sorry for the unhelpful comments.
I'm sure she was pissed at you for enjoying a vacation with just the kids. I'm sure she heard the kids talk about how much fun they had. Seeing that your tears had nothing to do with her... it all added up to her wanting to inflect some pain on you and she pulled the "We would still be married if you..." out of her ?? Yea, it had nothing to do with her having an affair....
This is still her way of fishing for some interest from you. Not to get back together but for you to want to get back together with her.

Atg100 posted 3/25/2019 15:05 PM

Freeme - I agree that this is what she is likely to think.
The problem with that is - who thinks like that?
And I can't come up with a better answer than " a narcissist".
And of course, I am biased - but I when I look at so many of her actions in the past, that now seems to be the only explanation.
What a shame, really.

AFL1000 - I think she is a good mother when she is with the kids. She doesnít quite get our boy - he talks about minecraft and guns, practices judo and is like any boy: very physical and uses this physicality to express himself. I am guessing that many mothers look at their young boys full of bewilderment.
But equally I don't "get " my girl all the time.
My wife is good with all the girlie stuff with my daughter, although now my daughter wants to do whatever her older brother does.

My wife needs to sort her head out, because she spends 50% of the time with the kids.
I wish that wouldn't be the case and have even made inquiries if I could ask for more custody when we finally get to court.
My lawyer thinks that is extremely unlikely.
By the time we are at court we have a six months history of a well-functioning 50/50 split. The court will not change this.
My wife is due to see her lawyer next week. It will be interesting if she surprises me and goes for less than 60% of our assets.
But if I go back to the narcissist theory - she wonít, of course.

But the money will buy me freedom from a cheater.
And when I think of the sadness, I experienced last year: This is money well spent.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:07 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

AFL1000 posted 3/25/2019 23:10 PM


I did not mean to infer in my post that your STBXW was not a good Mum to the kids. It just appears that you try to arrange more activities away from the home such as the camping and trip to Surfers than just have them doing activities around the house. And that requires effort, commitment and planning. Does your STBXW put in the same effort as you to organise interesting activities during her 50% time with the kids or is she content just to have them with her at her residence?

Oh and a 60% distribution of assets in her favour .. I know family law is tough on the main salary earner but surely your accountant and lawyer should be working hard to get a better deal for you.

I know you say it's money well spent but it does appear inequitable given all you have achieved professionally to give her a great lifestyle.

And by the way, how's that rowing machine going? Hope you are keeping up your exercise and nutrition regimen through all of this.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 11:35 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 3/26/2019 03:52 AM

Exercise is the only thing which keeps me sane!
The nutrition side is a little harder .
I put a lot of effort into cooking when I have the kids.
On my own - I just canít be bothered.
So I cook one night a week, freeze several portions and then just reheat. Itís healthy but I really donít care much.
But at least itís no junk food or take away.
Iím in shape and I keep on doing the right thing, but on my own, I really have no appetite or pleasure in eating.
And there have been evenings when I just had a protein shake and a multivitamin pill instead of a proper meal. But thatís ok, it will be alright one day.

Marz posted 3/28/2019 00:19 AM

But I replied nothing.

You are getting there. It's your only good option.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:20 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 3/28/2019 05:59 AM

Iím getting there - but itís not straight forward.
I walked down an empty stair case today .
And out of nowhere the thought appeared :
ď I am incredibly sad ď

And I am . Logically, I know that what Iím grieving was just a fake marriage, my wife wasnít part of what I thought was reality.
I can talk myself out of it and look forward : but this sadness will take time to heal.
Itís easier when I have the kids, but without them itís bloody hard.

Atg100 posted 3/29/2019 18:42 PM

And then there are days like today:
Clarity, determination .
Big picture stuff :Ē Iím a dad first ď

Received an email from my wife ď there were many factors ď
- yes there were. And in her fucked up head space they allowed her cheat.
Because , really it was my fault.
I see the bullshit for what it is.
She will see the lawyer on Tuesday and then I will see that her promise to not take me to the cleaners is about as good as her marriage vows.

NoOptTo posted 3/29/2019 19:30 PM

Yes, now you are a dad first. You are showing your children the love they deserve. Your teaching them about values. Your giving them experiences that they will cherish for the rest of their lives. Continue to be there for them. Be their rock that they can always rely on.

As for your STBXWW, you knew this was coming in the back of your head. Even if it's the worst case scenario, you will survive and thrive knowing you are rid of a lying, blameshifting, gaslighting, selfish ex. You will get your sense of sanity back knowing you did the right thing. You are showing your children through example that actions have consequences. Though they are too young to understand it now. Any lost money can be made replaced through work. You will adapt like so many others have. You will soon feel happier knowing you are free of her. Once it's over, you only have to talk to her through email when it concerns the children. Calls only when it's an emergency.

Enjoy your weekend. If you have the children, great. If not, go out and do something for you.

AFL1000 posted 3/30/2019 01:37 AM


Sorry you got yet another one of your STBXW's blameshifting emails! Care to share what she was accusing you of this time ... given the whole marriage breakdown, separation and divorce is all your fault according to her

Has she at anytime admitted to you or family that she did in fact have an affair which led to the destruction of the marriage? Or that you were the one leading the attempt at reconciliation.

If your STBXW, after meeting her lawyers next week, breaks her promise to you and isn't going to play fair on the asset distribution, perhaps it's worth considering an appropriate time after all the legal docs are signed to inform all your family, her family, mutual friends and work colleagues that she is a person not to be trusted and her word means nothing.

Other BSs on SI have been in similar situations that when the numbers were crunched their WSs only saw the dollar signs and all promises about playing fair went out the window so the BSs retaliated by letting all and sundry know the type of person they really were.

Enjoy the remainder of the weekend with the children.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 2:22 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Freeme posted 3/30/2019 06:16 AM

I hope you are staying strong on the NC. Statements like

ď there were many factors ď
are just set-ups, designed for you to reply... "Having an affair rather than taking about the factors is what lead to the D" so that she can start listing all the things you did wrong in the marriage. So she can justify the affair, so she can get off on making you question yourself and what you could have done ...

NC is still the best reply. It shows that you don't accept her "version" or don't really care about it because you've moved on.

Keep moving forward, you will be fine. Glad to hear about your wonderful mini vacation with the kids.

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