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Different perspective

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steadychevy posted 3/13/2019 17:30 PM

This I understand. My WW was very attractive when I married her. She attracted male attention, too. She was like fine wine and became more and more beautiful as she aged. I told her so many times over the years. BUT, some beauty is only skin deep. Real beauty is not only external but shines through from within, as well. It's the beauty shining from within that is real beauty.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 5:32 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

NoOptTo posted 3/13/2019 18:53 PM

ATG.... we as guys are visual creatures. Your STBXWW knows you are still attracted to her. She isn't getting the ego kibbles from your in speech so she's now trying with her looks. Focus on your task at hand during g the child exchange. Short, to the point and leave. I know it sounds harse. But you need to look after yourself. You have a better future in front of you, keep moving towards it.

Marz posted 3/13/2019 21:22 PM

Keep the exchanges to a minimum. Civil but short.

If you can pull it off you'll find it's a 3-5 minute exercise.

You control that not her.

If she tries to engage just say "I gotta go" and LEAVE (the most important part)

ibonnie posted 3/13/2019 21:37 PM

How old are your kids?

Mine were 1 & 8 when my WS first moved out. It took a few weeks to get into the swing of things, but this is what I ended up doing that worked really well for me:

-have the kids ready and waiting at the front door. Bags packed, shoes on, jackets zipper. Little one strapped into her baby car seat (WS would only need to pickup and snap into base in his car). I would have my jacket ready. too, and always be done up and ready to walk out the door, so sorry, nope, couldn't chat.
-have the kids ready (but no coats or car seat) and have my mom or BF come over a half hour before pickup. I would go to a coffee shop nearby, and either come home or have them meet me after. Do you have a nanny? Can you make arrangements for her to be the one in house during pickup/drop off?
-if I was dropping the kids off, hug and kiss them at the door, leave them on the stairs and hightail it back to my car. Wave from inside and leave once WH opened the door.

I blocked his cell #, so we couldn't text. Still have a home phone number and answering machine (old school), so if there was a legit emergency, he could call and leave a message. There was never a legit emergency.

We only communicated via email. All changes in visitation needed 24 hours notice. I would take my time answering (usually next day) for non-important matters (which was like 99% of his emails).

And I just explained it to the kids (really just my 8yo) that I still loved WH, but he had hurt my heart really badly and I needed some time and space to heal it before we could do "family" things together again.

It made a HUGE difference in how I felt.

Atg100 posted 3/13/2019 22:50 PM

That is good advice.
Itís alternating between meeting outside a sushi restaurant when I take them over - itís right after work for me and after swimming for the kids - and usually thatís fairly quick.
When she picks them up from me, all their bags are ready to go outside the house and we are usually playing ball when she is arriving . A quick good bye is much easier that way.
I almost immediately head to the gym , because Iím still greeting very sad to see them leave . The gym distracts me.
But WW always finds little ways to engage me in conversation, so I have to be on guard .

Atg100 posted 3/14/2019 16:22 PM

I didnít answer your question.
My kids are 4 and 7 years old.
It must be extra hard with a baby in your case.
Cheaters know no limits by the looks of it.

Marz posted 3/14/2019 18:13 PM

Time and as limited contact as you can make will fix this.

It always does.

You just can't see it yet.

Atg100 posted 3/15/2019 17:13 PM

Thatís what Iím hoping for.
Iím generally better during daytime .
And this awful insomnia is gone as well.
But - every night I dream that we get back together .
Every bloody night!

I wake up and have to remind myself of what she has done.
Concentrate on the presence and look at my plans for the future.
Iím talking to friends about it , Iím not hiding deep emotions in me.
Yet a part of my brain thinks itís funny to have this movie on repeat .

Atg100 posted 3/19/2019 05:25 AM

My stbxw is currently rewriting the narrative of our marriage breakdown.
She wrote me a long email
I worked too much, our children are too busy and I made holiday plans without including her.
And -gasp- I once bought a Nintendo game console without asking her first.
Thatís why we get divorced apparently .
The affair didnít happen, has been completely left out.
I couldnít even answer .
I just wrote back - please donít delay divorce proceedings .
WTF ????

NoOptTo posted 3/19/2019 11:03 AM

She is coming to realize that everything she is doing to keep you trapped is failing. Not she has to rationalize things to make herself not look at bad as she actually is. She has to grasp at little things that you did to make hers actions not seem as bad as they were. If I dont mention it, it didnt happen. No reply is golden. Keep moving forward. Being the rock for your kids will be reward. She is broken. Keep reminding yourself, a better future awaits you.

Atg100 posted 3/19/2019 19:04 PM

I have nothing to gain anymore from being right.
The blame shifting is just a sign of her immaturity and surely she just wants to confirm for herself that she is still a good girl.

The net outcome is:
Her and I shouldnít be together ...

AFL1000 posted 3/19/2019 20:05 PM


You have been here long enough to know this is just classic blameshifting and she is still towing the line she did not have an affair, even with all the proof you have. She just can't admit to herself that the problems are within her. And unless she deals with them any future relationship she has will be doomed to failure.

She has to justify the destruction on the marriage on someone but it can't be her so it has to be you

I agree with NoOptTo that her attempts to keep you in hopium have failed so she tries to find anything, no matter how small, to make you the bad guy in all of this to justify the divorce to friends and family.

Go workout at the gym on the heavy punching bag that will rid you of your anger and frustration.

NoOptTo posted 3/19/2019 20:07 PM

Yes. Your doing well. As is evident back when you had your camping trip with the other family. Your STBXWW wasnt invited. The truth will set you free as your STBXWW grasp at reason to try to make her not look as bad as she actually is. Please your responses to her as you have. Have your lawyer increase the pressure on your STBXWW to finalize your D.

20yrsagoBS posted 3/20/2019 07:51 AM


Coming from a BW who first dealt with this filth in 1991,


Your STBXWW is trying to manipulate you. Sheís accustomed to toying with you.

Just answer in single word responses ďNOĒ

She lost the courtesy of explanation

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 7:52 AM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 3/20/2019 18:52 PM

Thank you.
She certainly is a manipulative person.
I realised yesterday that due to an error I made, she received a spousal support payment twice.
That was two weeks ago.
I asked her to reimburse me and she said that she had noticed but ď totally forgotten ď about it.
She is just a liar and I donít have time for that anymore.

EEguy1412 posted 3/20/2019 22:52 PM

And -gasp- I once bought a Nintendo game console without asking her first.

On a side note: What is it with wives and gaming consoles? I got a similar remark. I am so far removed from being a long-hours gamer, casual at most. Yet the fact that we got an Xbox (ahem, for the kids) is such a damning character flaw of mine that WW brought it up repeatedly, especially to GFs - as if it proved the point that I am beyond the pale. An Xbox!

Atg100 posted 3/20/2019 23:06 PM

Mine is worse :
A Nintendo switch.
From the first day we had it, I told the kids that they are not allowed to play on school days, only on weekends.
They have always adhered to that rule, no exception.
It could hardly be argued that this was disruptive to the family unit. More often then not , we were away camping anyway, with no screen to be seen.

Atg100 posted 3/21/2019 19:31 PM

I think in the last 2 weeks I really have slipped backwards.
The text messages just brought back some positive thoughts about her - only to receive another kick in the stomach right after.

I need that distance again, which the lawyer allowed me to have and just care about myself and the kids.

I was angry about her not mentioning the accidental double up with the spousal support payment instead of just adding it to the list
Lies and stupid shit my stbxw does.

But that's hard work.

I hope it will all get better, once we have finalized the divorce. Certain things which are still a bit vague at the moment will be regulated by a court order. And then there is not really all that much to talk to each other beyond the children and co-parenting needs.

Stevesn posted 3/22/2019 05:57 AM


Youíre still doing well even if you think you backslid a bit.

Go back to only responding to questions about finance or the kids. She is not working on the M at all. Her words are just words. Not one action coming from her.

And even if she did a little thing that was relationship repairing, it wouldnít be enough. It takes a comprehensive plan to rebuild trust again. It would start with prolonged work and introspection in IC. From your descriptions she will never be capable of that. So as hard as it is, try to erase that possibility from your mind.

Stay the course and try to detach as much as possible.

How long before the D is final?

Marz posted 3/22/2019 10:34 AM

Ignore as much as possible. You are in a bad habit of responding too much.

Learn: you don't have to respond

Silence is golden in these circumstances.

You can and should control yourself.

No contact works only if you apply it fully.

She has shown you over and over again who she is.

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