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Different perspective

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Buster123 posted 3/11/2019 02:17 AM

Anyway - in a text message she send it again " I haven't given up on us "

Just play the game and ignore her until the D is final, once the ink is dry and if she keeps saying this, just tell her she gave up on you the second she decided to cheat, that she gave up on you every time she texted and had sex with OM and every time she broke NC, despite your efforts to desperately save the M at the time. Tell her that ship has sailed and that you're moving on, that you deserve a faithful wife with integrity who respects you and love you.

Atg100 posted 3/11/2019 04:02 AM

I just donít even want to enter this discussion .
This has to be the laziest attempt to keep your ex husband hoping.
A text message like this - is that supposed to make me feel special ?
No itís just to keep me hanging on and fair enough 3 or 4 months ago, I would have given my right ear for such a nice dose of hopium.
As Iím writing this , Iím lying on my couch with a headache, I spent most of the weekend at work and am exhausted .
I miss my children.
And yet , I still feel better than anytime last year with her.
That says something .

Sunny69 posted 3/11/2019 21:45 PM

Hi ATG100, I have just read your journal over the last few days and found myself thinking about you as I read 'The Enpowerment of Ted', which talks about an alternative to the drama triangle and instead of being a victim to your life, it tells you to be a creator of your life. To learn to ride the waves of life empowering you instead of disabling you and that is what I see happening in you on your journey. That you are creating the life you want. I appreciate your posts will not reflect the full extent of the pain you are feeling/have endured during this process, and that you probably still have a long way to go to truely heal. But I admire the process you have adopted and the progress you appear to have made and I wish you all the best for you and your children's future big hugs being sent to you.
I love how, is it aft1000, has become your wing commander throughout your journey

Atg100 posted 3/11/2019 23:48 PM

Thank you so much.
I got so much help out of this forum - it is incredible.
Yes AFL 1000 is my wing commander and Buster is the general I should have listened to much much earlier.

The process of writing things down is important .
And the offer by Buster to hit me with a 2x4 at the beginning when I continuesly made excuses for her and bought into her crap. Late edit - AFL 100 clearly points out all the other people who have been so helpful to me. I donít want to appear rude and not mention you guys who have bothered to help me - a stranger !- with your good advice.
Stevesn, Buster123, Marz, SteadyChevy, NoOptTo and Butforthegrace - all people who lifted me up when I needed it most.
I hope that everyone who writes here gets the same support and I hope that people who read my journal see that they are not alone - eating this shit sandwich we didnít order.
But you are correct - letting go of her allowed me to develop further and learn my lesson.
I am looking forward to the future , this is not something I would have said 6 months ago.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 12:44 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

AFL1000 posted 3/11/2019 23:50 PM

Hi Sunny69

ATG minor thread jack. Thanks for jumping in on ATG's thread. I think ATG has a number of wing commanders helping him on his journey out of infidelity including Stevesn, Buster123, Marz, SteadyChevy, NoOptTo and Butforthegrace and others too numerous to mention. Everyone has tried to support and steer ATG through his personal nightmare with their insightful, compassionate and at times hitting him with 2x4s to get him to understand that the breakdown of the marriage was never his doing but is all on STBXMrsATG.

Atg100 posted 3/12/2019 00:36 AM

AFL 1000 :
Yes, I couldnít have done it without the people you mentioned at all.
I hope I didnít offend anyone because I am incredible grateful for all the help I have received .
And yes if I could invite all the people you mentioned to a divorce party , I would love to that because all of you have helped me so much in what has easily been the most difficult time of my life .
Stevenson, Marz, Nooptout, butforthegrace, SteadyCheavy have all been my sources of strength when I thought I had none.
I hope I can give back one day !!!

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:13 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 3/12/2019 05:32 AM

And just to rain on my divorce party preparations my wife texts me ď I think I should work harder on our relationshipĒ
I was out with friends, climbing in the gym - I told her that I donít think that this matter is appropriate for text messages.
What a weird thing to text someone about. Thatís the least effort possible , just a little probe to see how I react.
And I really donít want to even send her a message or talk to her about how pointless her efforts are now.
Iím done with this and just want my lawyer to sort out the financial implications.

AFL1000 posted 3/12/2019 07:19 AM

Ok everyone who has followed ATG's journey let's take STBXMrsATG's statement and in the best tradition of creative writing let's play our own game and provide an alternative ending to this sentence:

"I think I should work harder on our relationship ..."

...because these words will,really f**k with ATG's mind."
...because then I can lure him into believing we can still be friends."
...because I can get a better deal in the divorce settlement."

Ok so there is a large amount of cynicism in this post but no more cynical than her statement after what she has put ATG through with her cheating.

Best reply gets a virtual bottle of 2013 Taste of Diamonds, the worlds most expensive bottle of wine (worth $2 million)

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 8:13 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 3/12/2019 13:39 PM

OK, I'll play:

ATG100: "Work harder on what relationship ? I know you meant to send this text to OM, please double check next time before you hit send as I don't need or want to hear about your "relationship" issues with him anymore".

STBXWW: "Oh no, it was really meant for you !!!"

ATG100: I don't know if you noticed but we're effing getting D because you decided to have and A with POSOM, apparently asking you to stop cheating on me was too much to ask, hence my confusion about your text saying you needed to work harder in our "relationship". If the text was meant for me I hope you meant our relationship as co-parents.

Alternative answer (my favorite):
ATG100: Crickets...

Atg100 posted 3/12/2019 14:08 PM

Hi Buster ,
I have slept about it over night and I really feel that crickets are the best answer.
I have explained my side of the story so often.
She sent this email in January stating ď that she truly understands all the hurt she has caused ď
There is not just more to say.
If she wouldnít slow down the divorce proceedings we would have already settled or would be in the midst of it.
There is just nothing else I can say .

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:17 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 3/12/2019 18:37 PM

Get used to ignoring her. You don't have to respond.

Kids, business short and civil only.

Stop keeping yourself in this. You don't owe her a thing but you do yourself.

Marz posted 3/12/2019 18:42 PM

This is just breadcrumbs from a wannabe cake eater.

She gets ego kibbles and you get your headspace taken up.

Silence over time is the only thing that'll fix this.

NoOptTo posted 3/12/2019 19:37 PM

Here's my take on AFL's challenge.....

STBXWW.. think I need to work harder on our relationship.... translation, I'm not getting the attention from people that I think I deserve so I'll string ATG along a little more to get my ego kibbles

Tag's response... CRICKETS!!!! You told her long ago about her behavior and now her consequences. It doesn't concern the children or the D, hence no response.

NoOptTo posted 3/12/2019 19:40 PM

And thank you so much for acknowledging all our input. Best thing you can do is in the future, pay it forward. We've been there, believe it or not, attempting to others is just as rewarding since we've been through it.

AFL1000 posted 3/12/2019 21:38 PM

So the joint winners of the alternative ending competition are ATG, Buster, Marz and NoOptTo for their resounding agreement on ... no response ...crickets!!!

To quote a famous saying "Silence speaks louder than words" or the words of the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu "Silence is a source of great strength".

Marz posted 3/12/2019 21:57 PM

IN these situations silence is your best weapon.

She has zero defense against it.

Plus you can never win playing her game. Trying to rationalize the irrational is a fools errand.

Stevesn posted 3/13/2019 02:07 AM

Hey guys.

Just back from a couple weeks on vacation.

ATG Iím glad to see you still have the resolution to move on. I know thereís a great woman out there for you who would love the chance to be a true life partner with you.

In the meantime I think itís great how you are focusing on your children and thinking of them so when they are not with you.

As for your WW, as others have said here, texting platitudes is not ďthe workĒ needed for R. And because of that they are rightly ignored.

If she ever decided that she truly loves you and wanted to win you back, she needs to start doing things to fix herself before ever starting down a path to connect with you again. From your descriptions it seems to me sheís not ďdeepĒ enough to do that type of introspection and fix whatís broken inside of her.

You canít control if that ever happens so continue to not try.

You are on the right path for you and we are glad to see it.

Thanks for the updates. We worry about you.
Cheers

Ps: thanks to both you and AFL for the shout outs. Itís nice to know that some of the things we say helps a BS find happiness again.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:08 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 3/13/2019 05:10 AM

Thank you.
Itís tough - I saw when she was handing over the kids and she looked gorgeous.
I know why I loved her once.
But I donít let that cloud my mind , I made sure we exchanged the necessary information about the kids and then we were off.
Itís still a painful situation - and I need to shorten it as much as possible .

AFL1000 posted 3/13/2019 05:44 AM

Hi ATG
From what you have said in your posts your STBXW is a beautiful women. What's the odds she has made a special effort to look extra good at the kid's handover just to get that very reaction you stated in your post?

Yes she may well be beautiful on the outside but that hides a multitude of character flaws ...cheater, liar, deceitful ...the list goes on. Look beyond the surface and the woman you married is no longer beautiful on the inside. Her beauty is a mask that hides her true self.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:46 AM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 3/13/2019 16:02 PM

Yes gorgeous on the outside, rotten on the inside.
Sad but true.
Seeing her is a problem, thatís why having kids together is such an ordeal: I have to see her and even discuss important matters with her.
I would be much further ahead , if there wouldnít be this compulsory contact .

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