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Different perspective

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skerzoid posted 3/5/2019 09:51 AM

Why not reply that you have already invited a friend so her ticket is already taken.

You keep hoping. She keeps manipulating.

I would say manipulate back but you are out of her league.

You need to up your game.

farsidejunky posted 3/5/2019 10:29 AM

"Sorry, but I'm not okay with going to the ballet together."

That's it.

Nothing more.

Marz posted 3/5/2019 11:04 AM

Today I receive an email
ď... I have so many fond memories of us going together and Iím wondering if we could go next week to the premiere of dangerous liaisons , so that things are nice between us againĒ
This email caught me of guard, I could only answer ď let me think about that for a few days ď.

Your response should have been "no response". She's shown and Told you what you need to know. You don't ween yourself off the breadcrumbs you'll stay wrapped up in this.

Itís an completely crazy idea. 2 hours in a theatre where we used to go as a couple , now going as separated ex husband and wife to watch a ballet about a love triangle .
I would be locked in and couldnít run away.
What does she want to achieve?

She wants to make sure you are firmly in place in case she needs you. It works. You are under her control

I will send an answer ď I hold many fond memories of us going to the ballet as a married couple. Going together now whilst we are dealing with a divorce would completely confuse me. Whilst I hope that our interactions will be friendly in the future, I feel going to the ballet together would be too much, too soon

Ignore her or remain tied up. No contact means no contact.
You still don't get it.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:41 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 3/5/2019 11:06 AM

Right now you are telling her you're ok with what she's doing and you're waiting on her if her boyfriend doesn't work out.

You should value yourself more.

Atg100 posted 3/5/2019 14:25 PM

Well, thanks for all your advice.
I just told her that I donít think itís a good idea to go to the ballet together. And kept it like that .
I just kept my lawyerís advice in mind, to avoid conflict .
Because itís me who pays - either more money or less time with the kids .
She must go through some roller coaster as well - last week she was looking to pick fights about nothing, this week she wants to go to the ballet.
This will take a lot of time for either of us to heal.
But I can only focus on myself.
I had a chat with a friend - he gave me good advice / donít go to the ballet at all, even though you have the tickets .
Itís too messed up now .
Unless I have a male friend who wants to go, I wonít consider it.
It sounds like gym, pizza and beer will be better Friday entertainment ...

AFL1000 posted 3/5/2019 16:59 PM


It is amazing how such a relatively simple thing as going to the ballet while married can really do your head in during separation with her request to attend the ballet together.

You did the right thing and told her it's not a good idea to go to the ballet together. I take it you both like the ballet and from experience I know that an annual subscription isn't cheap.

So treat the subscription as a division of assets. Divide the tickets 50/50. But you get first preference because I'm sure you paid for the subscription. At kids handover give her a envelope with her share of tickets. Tell her she's welcome to take whoever she likes.

Others will tell you the keep the tickets because you paid for them but if you want to keep things calm during the divorce negotiations this may be an approach you could take.

Freeme posted 3/6/2019 05:58 AM

I think you did great with your simple answer. After her reaction to planning Easter.

And despite changing my plans in her favor, I was accused of using the children as pawns.
I am now the bad guy, only being worried about money.
I tried to discuss things with her but ended up blocking her on my phone anyway. Too much madness.
You don't need the drama. Her plan has always been to keep you on a line WANTING her so you will help her, she can control you with out the romantic entanglement so she can date.

Try to think of a fun replacement that you and your son can do together when the ballet subscription runs out.

Unbroken78 posted 3/6/2019 17:47 PM

Your kindness and politeness seems limitless.

That may not be useful in your current situation.

Atg100 posted 3/7/2019 03:06 AM

Yes, I know what you mean.
However , I know that Iím not quietly hoping that we get back together .
Last week I felt particularly sad, but I have overcome that.

I met her yesterday at the handover of the children.
We met on a car park outside a sushi restaurant where I go with the kids.
She told me that her email with the ballet invitation had been an olive branch.
I answered that I had hoped we could be succesful co-parents for our children, but that going to the ballet together was a bit much.
And she then said that she hadnít given up on us yet.
I was speechless and just said that Id see her on Friday.
What is she thinking ? Is she thinking?
Every day without her, I feel better .
Every day on my own do I realise that I would never put up again with any infidelity .

Interesting coincidence - one of our transplant patients came to clinic in terrible condition:
He had an affair and his wife who had supported him throughout his transplant, kicked him out .
He didnít have his tablets and even was homeless for a few days. He is coming into hospital, I hope he doesnít expect any sympathy from me.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:31 AM, March 7th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 3/7/2019 05:46 AM

What is she thinking ? Is she thinking?

She just told you a few days ago that she had not even consider R, but now she says she still trying to R ? I mean is this the same woman who had condoms with with her to use with OM and didn't care much after you saw them ?, then days later went hunting with the same OM, are you sure this is her ? and even to this day she is so delusional to even think she can just trick you into being her friend again and allow her to cake eat some more.

No I don't think she's thinking, at least not rationally, but I would encourage you to take advantage of her state of whatever bullshit is going through her mind and move full steam ahead with D before she starts "thinking" and gets the idea to fight you in court, making this much more expensive than it should.

Mrhealed posted 3/7/2019 06:32 AM

What is she thinking ? Is she thinking?

Hi yes she is thinking! she is tinking of her...

She doesnt want to R, she wants to be your friend. This way she acheaves 2 things:

A better deal with the D (at least un her mind) and to safe face to mutual friends, family and her self. If you reconcilie as friends, is becaus her affair didnt destroyed her family cause your werent in love any way. She stated this before, you are a great team but not in love. So its ok to fuck arround and play family. In her mind you are the agressor as you decide to D and not continue as married Friends.

Is her way to keep going on her distorted percepciůn of your marriage.

Freeme posted 3/7/2019 13:56 PM

/\/\ This.

She is always trying to keep you on a line wanting her, she needs those ego kibbles to feel safe. When you reject her offer (a ballet date) she takes it a step further (not giving up on us). Had you jumped at that bait she would have said something like... I meant I haven't given up on us being "friends". She didn't word it that way on purpose... to confuse you, to pull you in. Kudos to you for not taking the bait. Keep it up.

NoOptTo posted 3/7/2019 16:35 PM

She is thinking.... she gets an emotional reaction out of you. Then you straighten up and put yourself back on the D train, then she comes back with dont give up on us again. Isnt thisnthe third time she has brought this up to you even after telling you repeatedly that she is not interested in R.

Continue with 180 my friend. Keep your exchanges as minimal as possible. Have your lawyer increase the pressure to finalize your D.

Unbroken78 posted 3/8/2019 00:23 AM

What is she thinking ? Is she thinking?

Gently...perhaps a better question is why you are still so infatuated with her that you care what she thinks?

You have to detach to the point that her thoughts are nothing of use to you.

You are treating her like she is a human being, worthy of honest conversation...she is not. She is a liar who harmed your family in the most vile way. She harmed your child...she destroyed you...and violated the sacred M you built.

In the nicest way...STOP with the care about what she things/wants/hopes/dreams/needs. She is not your friend. need a girlfriend. I know it's wrong to say it on here as people are all about the "clear your head before you get into a relationship"...but there is a point, where you need a female to drag you into the land of the living and away from your ex. You need a female to show you that there is a world outside your ex and that you are a man...entitled to feel like a man again in ways only a woman can show you.

Get on Tinder or similar and feel what it feels like to be all that is male again. You are a are the are a good man that any woman should be proud to have as a partner. There is a woman out there that will show you what that feels like. Go find her.

And when you find her to Tahiti and get one of the over the water cabins. They do wonders for your love life

Atg100 posted 3/8/2019 05:55 AM

I donít think Iím infatuated with her.
And if wouldnít have to see her twice a week, I would be much further ahead.
About the girlfriend - I went on a kind of date - indoor rock climbing with a female colleague .
What I most enjoyed was to just have fun with and talk to a woman, without constantly feeling that Iím stepping through a minefield.
But Iím actually starting to enjoy my own company on my kids free days - and when I have the kids itís all about them.
And they are the most vulnerable and innocent in this whole dilemma .
I will not confuse them this soon by having a girlfriend.
My house is the steady place , with routine. Daddy is the rock who they can rely on.
They would not like or tolerate a new woman- and thatís ok.
I said to myself that 2019 is about me and the kids
And actually - not having to worry about finding a girlfriend released my from so much pressure.
I concentrate on my kids, my work and my hobbies and friends.
Good things will follow.

steadychevy posted 3/8/2019 06:56 AM

I was very glad to read about your position about girlfriend(s). Very thoughtful for your children. They have enough drama right now and you are right about being the rock for them.

You don't want to provide any issues that can be used against you in the D for your STBXWW. There will be plenty of time when the dust settles and you can find a solid, honourable lovely woman to spend the rest of your life with.

Have you heard of the book "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love" by Levine and Heller. My Psychologist recommended it to me. You might find it an interesting read. It's researched based.

NoOptTo posted 3/8/2019 07:30 AM

Your doing well being the rock for your children. I agree, when you do start dating, not to introduce them to said girlfriend for a period of time so you know if said girlfriend will be around for awhile or not. The last thing your kids will need is to see dads new girlfriend every other month til you find one you truly want to start a relationship with.

Continue showing your kids the structure you have formed for them while staying with you. Kids need structure in their lives. Keep it going.

Atg100 posted 3/10/2019 05:20 AM

We exchanged a few texts over the weekend about our kids.
We agreed that we wouldn't post photos of our children on social media at all.
She however seemed to have forgotten this "it's not a big deal for me"

I pointed out that we had agreed to this once more but did not get an reaction.
I told her that I was a bit tired of her not answering questions in my emails or texts - really simple organizational stuff which has to do with the kids.
For example she had been given a birthday invite for my son last week - it will be on a day when the kids are with me. She still hadn't told me when and where the party is.
She apologized she had been too busy at work.
She only works 3 days a week.
Anyway - in a text message she send it again " I haven't given up on us "
I ignored this and asked again when the party will be . This time she answered.

And of course :
Last night , I dreamed that she comes back to me.
I actually dreamed that she brought her laptop. The very computer which I had checked for evidence, wasting all my time playing marriage police.
I woke up and thought:
"Thank goodness I don't have to deal with this shit anymore"

Freeme posted 3/10/2019 06:20 AM

She loves the power of making you contact her, beg her for answers.
Have you considered using a Family planning wizard calendar. I know a lot of people on this site use one so that both parents can input dates/times of events and there is less contact talk between them. The divorce forum could recommend a good one if you post about it over there. You seem to thrive the less contact you have with her and this would help.

AFL1000 posted 3/10/2019 06:44 AM


I know her incessant game playing is driving you crazy. The non response to your emails is just part of the game to make you keep having to be the initiator of contact.

If she emails you again with "I haven't given up on us", a suitable reply would be "You did the second you and POSOM started exchanging emails, said you didn't love me and continued to see him."

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