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Different perspective

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AFL1000 posted 2/18/2019 20:25 PM


Keep reminding yourself daily that she is not the woman you married and loved anymore. She cheated, lied, justifies the affair because she says she's not in love with you any more and has shown herself to be selfish. If you are being honest with yourself, your STBXW was character flaws that allowed her to engage in an affair with the POSOM (who is nowhere near the man you are by the way) without considering the consequences of her actions for you and the children.

I echo Buster's sentiments about grieving the loss of your marriage and ultimately finding a life partner that is worthy of you. You can now reflect on the red flags that you may have overlooked in her character or behaviours that resulted in the affair and her destruction of the marriage.

It is going to be a long learning curve for her to deal with the day-to-day matters that you have traditionally dealt with.

Getting her arse into gear to deal with the legal stuff is one of a myriad of things she's now going to have to deal with without you there to do it for her.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 8:59 PM, February 18th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 2/19/2019 00:51 AM

Thanks AFL

Yes I still have screenshots of some of the messages she sent to ďAceĒ
When I get too sad , I should just look at those.

She received the letter from my lawyer and - emails me photos of my daughter .

Coincidence ?
Manipulative bullshit ?

[This message edited by Atg100 at 1:04 AM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 2/22/2019 12:45 PM

She wants fed more cake. Nothing more.

Atg100 posted 2/24/2019 20:42 PM

Sadly I gave her some ego kibbles over the weekend.
My 4 year old came home on Friday from Kindergarten.
She drew a flower ď itís for you and mummy, so that you love each other againĒ
That made me extremely sad.
When my wife came on Sunday , I told her about that and asked if she had considered reconciling .
She said no , she hadnít considered it, but she felt rushed into a divorce .
But she was happy that I was talking to her again - could she borrow some screws as she was fixing something at her place.

Well, what the f.. was I even talking to her ?
I talked to a friend who confirmed that I strayed way off the path, I had been on so securely .
I canít even say that I was true to myself - this was ignoring all of the advice I had been given, and running the risk to give up any self preservation .

AFL1000 posted 2/24/2019 21:32 PM


Sent you a PM at the same time you posted this.

Hey slip ups happen. Yes you strayed from your path on a moment of weakness probably initiated by your daughter's drawing and comment. But you realise that you did. So back to the true path. She says she doesn't want to reconcile so that's the last word on it. She felt rushed into a divorce. No she was a cheating, lying, deceitful person so divorce was the only action you could take. And the sooner the better!

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 9:34 PM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Jorge posted 2/24/2019 22:21 PM

She's been consistent with you on one thing. She has repeatedly expressed no interest in reconciling with you. No thought of even considering it, let alone actually reconciling. Perhaps allow this to be the nail in the coffin. I still say, not until you are indifferent and have moved on will there be any semblance of interest in you, and perhaps not even then.

NoOptTo posted 2/25/2019 03:29 AM

Dont beat yourself up for being human. There are few of us that haven't tried that last time to see if things can be salvaged. Your STBXWW is only thinking about her selfish wants. You do not matter to her and she will continue to use the children to get some ego kibbles from. So like the rest of us, back on the path towards your future, D. Shake off the dust, it's a lesson learned.

Atg100 posted 2/25/2019 04:19 AM

Thank you all for your help.
I did beat myself up, but then again, I was very upset and only human.
It wasn't wrong to give her the screws , but it was wrong of her to ask for them, in that moment.

A few things happened since this morning.
My lawyer sent her a letter, to just complete some documentation.
But he has such fine way with words and the timing was pretty perfect. She knows I am back on my path and she just hates his letters.

My son fell of his scooter and broke his finger. Its just a minor injury. But it is annoying because he and I will miss out on sport on Monday evenings together now for at least a month.

But my stbxw called me right after it happened.
I know why - I am working part time in the hospital nearby, the doctors in the ED are my mates. I have him on and out there in no time at no cost.
Whilst she would have to join the end of the line and pay money. ( its a private hospital)

I didn't care - here was a chance to show my son, that I am there for him, even if it is not "my day". That is what will stick to his memory.
When I picked him up, my daughter loudly said " I want mummy to move back into your house, but she doesn't want to come".
I said that this was true, but she now had two homes with two parents who love her.
This time I was more prepared mentally.

When I brought him back, my stbxw asked if I wanted to come in.
No thank you.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:19 AM, February 25th (Monday)]

NoOptTo posted 2/25/2019 16:15 PM

You definitely behaved much better this time around. So glad you didnt beat yourself up too bad. And yes your DS will always know you have his back. Best part of this comment of yours is you declined to enter into your STBXWW home. Continue showing your kids the love they deserve. Dont lie to them about mom n dad. Continue telling them age appropriate answers. Your showing to be the rock for your kids. You should be proud of that.

steadychevy posted 3/3/2019 19:38 PM

How you doing, Atg?

Marz posted 3/3/2019 19:46 PM

When my wife came on Sunday , I told her about that and asked if she had considered reconciling .
She said no , she hadnít considered it, but she felt rushed into a divorce .

No R but would like more cake.

No contact only works if you fully apply it.

Atg100 posted 3/4/2019 05:14 AM

My stbxw bombarded me last week with reasons to be angry with me. Some of them were pretty silly, but the reason became apparent when I talked to my MIL.
She is coming over Easter and I am going away with the children. I wanted to do the right thing and ask about her travel plans, to make sure she can see the kids.
And despite changing my plans in her favor, I was accused of using the children as pawns.
I am now the bad guy, only being worried about money.
I tried to discuss things with her but ended up blocking her on my phone anyway. Too much madness.

AFL1000 posted 3/4/2019 06:27 AM

This reaction by your STBXW was predicted by members that when you wouldn't play the 'we can still be friends' game or take any of her other bullshit she would try to manipulate the situation to make you out the bad guy to the inlaws because she has lost the power to manipulate you anymore given that she has categorically stated she doesn't want to reconcile.

You're the one using the kids as pawns!!!! Take a good hard look at yourself STBXMrs ATG in trying to use the kids in a tug of war over Easter.

Be very cautious from now on. This is just the start of her ramping things up as the reality of the lifestyle she had, with all its considerable benefits you provided her, comes to an end. My prediction is that all of a sudden her concern over money is being driven by how much she anticpates receiving in the divorce settlement.

Good on you for blocking her number. As others have frequently said email contact only. And absolutely minimal discussion at kids handovers. Do not engage her in any conversations. Your comment to her from now on should be 'talk to my solicitor'.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:30 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 3/4/2019 06:35 AM

Be very careful, Atg, about being alone with her at any time. Charges of domestic violence are very serious and a weapon. Carry a VAR and never be alone in her presence.

Best wishes. Hold the course.

farsidejunky posted 3/4/2019 10:49 AM


I am a bit late to your party.

I'm sorry for the reason you are here.

As a judoka, you understand momentum and using one's pressure or weight against them. I would like to take a moment to introduce you to some phrases that are akin to'emotional judo'. These statements will help you enforce boundaries while simultaneously preventing engagement with your crazy STBXWW.

1. "I'm not okay with X."

Use this when she says she says she wants something that is clearly out of bounds, wants to come by the house to talk, etc. No explanation beyond that is necessary.

2. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Use this when she makes statements like 'using the kids as pawns', how you were a lousy husband, or some other nonsense.

3. "I see it differently."

Another go-to when she makes statements that you don't see to be true.

4. "You do what you feel you need to do. I will do the same".

This is the perfect go-to for any threats, eg. taking the children away, taking you for all you are worth, etc.

5. "Are you done?"

Use this anytime you feel like you are about to have to repeat any of the above statements.

Keep standing for what is right, ATG. While it does not feel good in the moment, two years from now, when your STBXWW is a distant memory, and you are beginning to instill the more mature values into your children, you will be able to look them in the eye and tell them you did the right thing for the right reasons.

In other words, keep being great, brother.

Unbroken78 posted 3/4/2019 15:49 PM


Always remember that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

There will come a point where you care so little for her, that you can laugh at her absurd childish antics. That's when you have arrived at indifference.

Indifference is the finish line, emotionally.

To get there, you just have to keep on controlling yourself and your thoughts. At some point, you will be in a place where you can date and awaken the love you once had for another.

That's when real life gets to start again.

Atg100 posted 3/5/2019 04:22 AM

Thank you all for your good advice.
Every day seems to be another surprise at the moments
We used to go to the ballet ; we both enjoyed the night out.
I even have an annual subscription for tickets, which I bought last year when I thought things would work out again.

Today I receive an email
ď... I have so many fond memories of us going together and Iím wondering if we could go next week to the premiere of dangerous liaisons , so that things are nice between us againĒ
This email caught me of guard, I could only answer ď let me think about that for a few days ď.
Itís an completely crazy idea. 2 hours in a theatre where we used to go as a couple , now going as separated ex husband and wife to watch a ballet about a love triangle .
I would be locked in and couldnít run away.
What does she want to achieve?
I will send an answer ď I hold many fond memories of us going to the ballet as a married couple. Going together now whilst we are dealing with a divorce would completely confuse me. Whilst I hope that our interactions will be friendly in the future, I feel going to the ballet together would be too much, too soonĒ
I think that way, Iím polite and honest .
But what a crazy idea.
I wonder how many ex couples go to the ballet together whilst dealing with a divorce .

Good idea with the VAR btw , I canít be careful enough.

AFL1000 posted 3/5/2019 05:20 AM


Do not send this email. You are being led into having a conversation that gives her hope that a friendship is possible after expressly telling her in your previous email that because of her affair and all her lies and deceit you have no intention of being her friend.

She entices you with " that things will be nice between us again." This is game playing and manipulation.

Only reply required polite but firm "Thank you but no."

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:21 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 3/5/2019 05:23 AM

Thanks AFL
Iím just concerned that being too firm, will translate into a more difficult financial separation.
If I give her reasons to hate me , she will hve no difficulties going for everything she can get.
But if she feels guilty , she may go for less ?
Just an idea

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:24 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

AFL1000 posted 3/5/2019 06:03 AM


You and your solicitor will have done best case/worse case scenarios on the finances. Your STBXW has said previously she will 'play fair' but ultimately if she wants to play hardball on the divorce settlement that's for your solicitor to negotiate the most favourable outcome for you and a few firmly worded emails here and there between you and her are not going to make any difference IMO.

All I'm saying is consider your reply very carefully. You can still respond without using the emotive language in your proposed email. Only my suggestion. As always it's your call.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:18 AM, March 5th (Tuesday)]

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