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Different perspective

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Unbroken78 posted 2/10/2019 15:45 PM

Good on ya. That's the way to handle it.

You have done an admirable job in this situation, vastly better than your WW deserved.

Keep strong and stay focused. She will try to pull you back in for years. There will be milestones where she will feel pain and she will try to push that pain on you. When you get a GF, move, have success in life without her...she will try to function check your resolve.

Keep up the fight. You are almost home.

Marz posted 2/10/2019 16:01 PM

"Not my problem anymore" can now be said for quite a few things.

Yep, if you can keep that mindset and limit contact you'll be fine.

Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't limit contact.

Never go into her home, never allow her into yours.
Limit all conversation to text or email, anything not child or business related "IGNORE"!

On pickups/drop offs limit it to a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. If she try's just say "I gotta go" and LEAVE.

It will normalize and your kids will adjust.

Don't bash her, etc. just make her a non entity.

You have your time, she has hers. Keep holidays, birthdays separate. This is your only good path now. If you don't you'll just stay wrapped up in this.

NoOptTo posted 2/10/2019 16:21 PM

To add to Marc's comments, document everytime she doesn't have your kids ready for you when it's your time. And when she shows up early to pick them up. Simply text her, tell her the kids will come out at the appropriate time of our exchanges. Let her sit in her car and wait for the children.

It stinks now. But when she accepts the new norms and your kids adjust, I'll feel better that you stood up for yourself. You set your boundaries. You live your life now with your dignity.

Atg100 posted 2/10/2019 17:29 PM

Thank you all for your help.
My stbxw received the first letter from my lawyer today.
Itís very polite and invites to amicable discussions ďwithout prejudiceĒ.
Nevertheless, itís a milestone.
She still hasnít got a lawyer, despite moving out on the 6th of December .
Maybe there are no attorneys in Lala-land?

AFL1000 posted 2/10/2019 18:32 PM

Hey ATG

Given what you have told us about your STBXW it is my opinion, that unless heavily influenced by inlaws or her enabling work colleagues, she is more than likely to just accept what your solicitor has drafted because engaging a solicitor and having to deal with all the legal stuff is going to be just too hard for her!!! As you have stated you have done most of the heavy lifting in the marriage and during the separation and impending divorce. You've been the giver; she's been the taker through all of this.

Hopefully this will work to your advantage in the final division of assets.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:45 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 2/10/2019 18:56 PM

My solicitor couldnít draft an offer - to offer her anything than what she is entitled to would be shot down by a court or her solicitor .
We kept it very much along the line ď here is the pool of assets, do you agree with the values and what would you like to do next? We would like to settle out of court ď
So she will have to make the first move.
Iíd say her lawyer will push her to go for everything - and thatís ok.
That money will buy me freedom from a cheater.

Atg100 posted 2/11/2019 00:58 AM

And of course is not surprising at all, that my wife had only been able to get an appointment with a family lawyer on the 2nd of April.
It must be cheating season, because they are all so busy.
When I contacted my lawyer, I had an appointment on the next day.
But she also emailed that she may try to get an earlier appointment.
In the past under different circumstances, it would have been my task to sort something out.
But she is a big girl now, she can sort out her own legal support for her upcoming divorce.
I will not put any pressure on her, if there is a legal time frame during which she needs to respond, then I'm sure my lawyer will know about it.

Atg100 posted 2/11/2019 17:30 PM

I am just reading a book about dealing with cheating and in particular how to keep no contact whilst you have kids.
My wife must be reading the same book - she is behaving still as predicted :
Despite saying that I donít want to be her friend, she still offers me left over dinner after I dropped my boy off at her house after sport yesterday ( ď no thank youĒ)
Today, whilst driving with the car, she phoned me on speaker with the kids in the car . My 4 year old cried ď daddy, I miss youĒ.
I was in the middle of a meeting, but stepped out to talk to my 4 year old.
- I donít want to be the dad who doesnít have time to talk to his daughter , and Iím sure that this was the response my wife was hoping for . ď daddy doesnít have time to talk to you ď

But - thatís just blackmail and attention seeking.

NoOptTo posted 2/11/2019 18:26 PM

I so glad you were able to step out and speak to your child. You continue to show that you are the rock of your children's lives. I agree with you that your STBXWW was hoping that you wouldn't speak to her. Keep moving forward, roll with what ever your STBXWW throws at you, and show your children you are all in for them.

Atg100 posted 2/12/2019 17:21 PM

My lawyer came back to me wondering why he hadnít heard from my stbxw lawyer - I told him that she only has an appointment in early April.
He called that ď ridiculous ď
He will sent a polite reminder next week.
Iíll let him do the emailing - that cost more but buys me sanity .

Atg100 posted 2/13/2019 17:22 PM

Valentineís Day .
I always made a big deal out of it.
Organised fancy dinners in posh restaurants, flowers and the whole deal.
Today just a quick email exchange with STBXW about my boyís missing home work folder.

My son asked me this morning if I am best friends with my STBXW. He is seven.
I said that I am angry with her because of something she did to me.
I didnít mention the affair - but I canít pretend that Iím friends either.
Otherwise he will think that marriages all of a sudden end mysteriously and formerly married people become friends.
I could see that he is thinking about it a lot.
I assured him that his mother and I both love him and that we are not angry with him.
He will figure it out in the long term.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:23 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

Dyokemm posted 2/13/2019 18:53 PM

I would bet good money that the Ďbest friendsí bit is your son repeating what your WW has been telling him.....

And I agree with you.....one day when he is an adult he will put the pieces together and figure it all out.

And THAT is what really frightens your stbxWW.....and is why she pushes so hard to establish a Ďfriendsí relationship with you now.

When your son IS old enough to figure out what happened to his family, if you are still detached and as much as possible NC with her, then she knows that he (and your other kids) will know SHE is the one who demolished their stable and happy childhood as well as why it happened.

IMO this fear is what leads to her behavior that constantly has you saying WTF to yourself.

AFL1000 posted 2/13/2019 23:22 PM

Dyokemm's observation that your son asking about you being best friends with STBXW would certainly have originated from her via something he has overheard her say in conversations with inlaws, friends or work colleagues or she has said directly to him. Your response to him was age appropriate so that he knows that 'Mum did something to Dad which means we can't be friends or live together anymore'. You reinforced for him that regardless of the current situation of living apart you both love him and his sister.

I would monitor this closely because now that she has received the initial letter from the solicitor (which makes things even more real for her) and your email telling her that under no circumstances will you be friends, she may try to use your children to guilt trip you into accepting 'we should still be friends for the sake of the children'.

Stay strong and resist her manipulations and game playing.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 11:23 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

Freeme posted 2/14/2019 13:39 PM

My son asked me this morning if I am best friends with my STBXW....
I said that I am angry with her because of something she did to me. ...
I assured him that his mother and I both love him and that we are not angry with him.
Again I think you handled this very well. The key is that you word it in a way that he doesn't think if he did something wrong you would not be his friend. You did that and adding, we both love you very much as often as you can is great.

I think she is fishing for a friendship with you and is talking about your (you and hers) relationship with the kids too often. If kids bring it up great but if she is using a seven year old as a counselor ??? "Mommy's not sure if Daddy wants to be her friend anymore..." type of talk to lead the discussions.
You've always taken care of things for her... She wants to establish that you will always be there for her... You are trying to establish that you will always be there for the kids.
You've got the right idea having the lawyers handle things. I have a feeling your WW is going to try to drag this out for as long as she can.

Atg100 posted 2/16/2019 14:23 PM

Big milestone for my 4 year old daughter.
First long bicycle ride with no safety wheels or help from daddy.
I took a video of her cycling confidently on the bike path and she asked me to send it to her mum.
I did as requested of course I get a message from her " please give her a big snuggle from me xx"
She just doesn't get it.
A simple " thanks " would have done.
Its her fault that she misses out on such a big day and it is also her fault that I will miss out on similar occasions in the future.

My lawyer emailed me on Friday wondering if he should send a reminder, asking for a response to our first letter. At first I told him to wait a little longer. But then realized that I was again making excuses for her. So asked him to proceed politely.

Lastly - a different website also dealing with infidelity had a poetry competition on Valentines Day.

This one is copied and pasted from there, the author is not stated.
But it is too brilliant, not to share:

The weight of two faces
Atop a jellyfish spine
is why your back hurts
.

AFL1000 posted 2/16/2019 17:50 PM

Congrats Little Miss ATG on ditching the training wheels. Always a big step for kids. Yes it is these milestones that your STBXW will miss out on but this is of her own making. You destroy a long-term relationship you have to deal with the consequences and that means STBXMrsATG not being there when your kids achieve their personal milestones.

Glad you changed your mind on having your solicitor send the reminder letter. Keep up the pressure. Do not give her the opportunity to slow down the process or implement delaying tactics. Really like the haiku you found.

Continue moving forward with strength and conviction ATG

Atg100 posted 2/17/2019 01:21 AM

Thank you .

One moment we were playing ball outside the house and she pulls up and takes my children away.

She hands me a garage remote.
ď I was cleaning my car and found those ď

I didnít say that itís not her car. Itís a car registered in my companyís name, for which I have made every loan repayment ever. I paid the registration, insurance and service.
You are only allowed to drive it because my children sit inside.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 1:22 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 2/18/2019 13:43 PM

The last few times I have seen her, I was left sad.
I am under no illusions about her awful character and all the lying. But I suffer for the loss of our marriage. I have long stopped trying to interpret what was going on in her head. The most satisfying explanation I have come up with, that she is quite a shallow person, who didn't give a shit about me or the kids.
Whilst parts of me don't want to believe it, her actions have demonstrated exactly that.
The kids are with her since Sunday. On Monday nights, I pick my boy up from her house and take him to judo training. This is quiet a touchy subject for me. I used to practice judo from early childhood into my 40s. My own father never paid any attention to it, despite me putting a lot of time and effort in and having some competitive success. My dad missed a chance to bond with me; I will not make the same mistake. So I will endure seeing her before and after training, as long as I have the 90 minutes with my boy.
Much more important.

Buster123 posted 2/18/2019 15:23 PM

You're doing great ATG, at some point you will reach a state of "indiference" when you see her, you will slowly get used to the "new normal" in your brief interactions with her, keep up the good work and focus on healing yourself, I know you're still mourning the M and that's normal, you feel lonely at times but keep in mind you have your entire life ahead of you and some day in the not too distant future you will be able to find someone who will respect you and love you, you're an intelligent person who knows what to do, you will eventually have plenty of women to choose from, so when that time comes, take your time and pay close attention to red flags, of course have fun in the meantime. Remember no one prepared us to face infidelity but now that we've had to deal with it, we become more aware of signs and behavior, and that new knowledge will most likely play a part when it comes to choosing your next partner in life.

Atg100 posted 2/18/2019 18:29 PM

Thank you- I needed to hear that.

My lawyer sent her a letter today - essentially to hurry up, as she still hasnít found legal representation .
What an awful situation , to send the woman I once loved a letter reminding her to get her act together for the upcoming divorce .

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