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Different perspective

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Unbroken78 posted 2/6/2019 00:50 AM

Brother, your WW is a classic Alpha Widow. She is cruelly trying to keep you on a string and friend zone you to use you as an emotional tampon.

It's good that you see it for what it is. The urge to be weak is strong...we've all been there...but keep up the stoic fight. You've got this.

Predict the future...your brain can more easily process bad things when it knows they are going to happen.

You can be assured, she will try to tug at your heart strings. She will use her weapons to do, memories, love, promises of a future, hints at being sorry, illusions that this never happened, your kids, money...and similar.

Remember, those who win are life are the ones who can see the future with the greatest clarity. Know what is coming and harden your heart against it. You can't avoid it...but you can harden up to deny it penetration into your soul. You can render those weapons ineffective.

One last thing...while mindfulness is great...your natural defense mechanism is Righteous Anger. You are entitled to this. It is natural and good. There's nothing wrong with embracing the hate when someone has wronged you in the way she has wronged you. Hate is powerful because the situations where it is required, require power to do what is needed. Feel that hate, embrace that hate, and fuel your future with burning righteous anger until you have put sufficient time and space between you and them to never be at risk of feeling that feeling again. Your body created hate, anger, and similar, as a tool. Use it for what it was created to accomplish.

Atg100 posted 2/6/2019 01:48 AM

This is good advice .
Yes I know whatís going to happen- sadness and loneliness , financial loss and lawyers letters. She will introduce a new man to the kids who will play a role in my childrenís life.
I just come back from my psychologist - she advices me to put my boundaries down more clearly, including making it even more clear, that I donít want to be her friend.
She gave me a few good examples to use, which donít leave much wiggle room for interpretation .
I know what to say and do now.

AFL1000 posted 2/6/2019 04:57 AM


I know your emotions are on the roller coaster but let's look at things in a more positive light than you expressed in your post.

Will you have to deal with a financial loss due to the divorce? More than likely but you say you have a good solicitor and accountant so let's hope they can minimise the financial hit. You are in a profession that will allow you to rebuild your financial position and security post divorce.

Will you have to deal with solicitor's letters? Absolutely but just remember that with each letter it gets you further and further out of this marriage and closer to the divorce and the start of a new life.

Will this sadness and loneliness last? No it hurts at the moment but you have the love of your kids, a strong support network of family, friends and work colleagues and a future that will include a partner who will love and respect you way more than your STBXW has shown you.

If your STBX does introduce the kids to a future partner I hope that you have negotiated how that is to be dealt with in the co-parenting agreement. The Relationship Australia resources I advised about last year has ideas about how this can be accomplished.

I am pleased that your psychologist has provided you with strategies to deal with your STBXW's insistence (delusion?) that you and her can remain friends. Immediately implement your psychologist's strategies.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:15 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 2/6/2019 22:49 PM

Thanks AFL,

I took some time to send my stbxw an email, clearly outlining my boundaries.
I spelt out again, that I don't want to be her friend.
I asked her to respect my boundaries.
All in polite but firm language.
As she didn't seem to get the hint when I talked to her face to face, I felt a written guideline of how to interact with me, should make things clear to her.
I will see her next on Sunday, when she gets the kids back.
Lets see if she learns.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 10:56 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 2/7/2019 03:18 AM

Well that didnít take long:
She sent an email back saying: thanks I will minimise interactions . By the way, Iím not working tomorrow , do you want to cancel your nanny and Iíll take care of the kids ?Ē

Thatís beyond delusional

AFL1000 posted 2/7/2019 05:55 AM

Thanks I will minimise interactions!!! What sort of response is that? Not 'I am sorry for hurting you so much by my affair and my continued lies and deceitful behaviour that you now feel that we cannot even be friends but I understand and will comply with your wishes. Sorry I have done this to us.'

And then she wants to change the 50:50 co-parenting agreement. Just shows you that she is clueless. I hope your response to her email was crickets.

Atg100 posted 2/8/2019 16:09 PM

I received an email from her stating, that she ended our marriage because of the lack of feelings for me - and no other factor played a role.
It may be that in her own mind, she had compartmentalised lack of feelings for me and feelings for the AP so strongly, that from her perspective , this is even true.
I emailed back that because of all her lying and deceit it very much looked to me, as if the affair was the reason and not a lack of love for me.
I suggested that if she would have chosen a respectful way to end our relationship, there could have been a chance for friendship - but the way she went about it, makes it impossible.
She also told me that she was not ready to give me the key to my house back - as it still feels like her home.
I very politely told her that she needs to get all her remaining stuff out by the end of next week ( there are only a few books) and then hand the key back to me.
I didnít tell her that I will change the locks, but this is what I will do. It may be largely symbolic, but very important to me.
She also told me that she wants her wedding dress back , I had offered to donate it to the Red Cross shop.

Freeme posted 2/8/2019 16:44 PM

that she ended our marriage because of the lack of feelings for me
You handled that incredibly well...and your right. She had so many other ways of ending the marriage if it was because she fell out of love...rather than start an affair. Me thinks she had the affair and then...fell out of love.

You're reply was perfect. We could have ended thing amicably if you had not gotten another man involved.

I think you are doing incredibly well. You are still young, faithful, and have a lot going for you. Once you are ready you are not going to have trouble finding someone that loves and appreciates you. Keep moving forward.

I wanted to add this link to another thread. This person is going through something similar. A wife that would like to stay together but as friends -

[This message edited by Freeme at 4:46 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

NoOptTo posted 2/8/2019 17:23 PM


You handled her email well. Though she was too chicken to end your marriage amicably. She choose to cheat and string you along. When her AP ended things, didnt she say you guys may patch things up in her mind? You are the one that tried to save your marriage, she fumbled the ball repeatedly because it was all about her and her selfishness. You finally had enough after her holiday party and told her it was over and she had to go. You choose your values and morals. Be proud of that.

As for her books, gather them, put them in your garage for her to pick up. Change your locks. Let her be surprised when she only has access to the garage when she comes for the last of her belongings. You have been civil enough to her.

Keep moving forward. Enjoy your kids this weekend.

NoOptTo posted 2/8/2019 17:23 PM

Double post.

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 5:24 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Marz posted 2/8/2019 17:36 PM

No amount of talking or replying will ever get through to her.

No contact means no contact. You have a ways to go.

All you are currently doing is keeping yourself in this and giving her more ego kibbles that she matters.

Like many you keep wanting her to "get it". You are the one that isn't getting it. This is who she is and wants to be. You'll never change that. Only she can do that.

Your contact makes her feel important. She still matters. What's it getting you?

AFL1000 posted 2/8/2019 17:52 PM

Well ATG like all WWs who came before her she is following the script in the Cheaters Handbook to justify her shitty behaviour to herself and anyone else who believes her lies and deceitful behaviour, especially those work colleagues who enabled and supported her affair.

Because you have not been drawn into her mind games and have flatly refused to have anything to do with the 'We can still be friends', it's the start of her rewriting the marital history.

Do not engage in these emails with her. It just feeds her need to get an emotional response from you.

Go proactive. Put all her remaining stuff, including wedding dress, wedding photos, etc in a box and at handover present her with it and say there is no need for her to come inside the house anymore.

I agree with Freeme that you are handling all this extremely well.

By the way have the inlaws been in contact with you since your brief meeting at Perth airport? I assume that your STBXW has spun them a story while she was with them in Perth which makes you the bad guy in all of this and she didn't have an affair!!!! The inlaws were supportive of you when they thought reconciliation was a possibility but may well have changed their tune now that divorce is inevitable based on her manipulation of the truth.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:09 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Dyokemm posted 2/8/2019 20:32 PM

If she ever tries to bring up those horse crap excuses about her A and decision to D, respond only with this simple sentence and refuse to engage further:

I see things differently.

Thatís it.....nothing more.

You owe her no discussion, Ďclosureí, or rehashing of her complaints.....which are all aimed at making herself feel better about how shitty she behaved by hoping to convince you that her version of what happened is the only truth that matters.....

If she can convince you of that, then there is no reason you two canít be friends, see?

And if you are friends, then to all the world, she didnít behave in a horrible and selfish manner because you two still remain friends.

Itís all about her image......but if she canít get you on board with her version, then her reputation is forever tainted....and not only to friends and family now.....

One day your kids will grow up and be old enough to question what happened to their happy family......

If you are not towing her official line, but instead keep insisting on your own opinion and refusing to be friends with her, then she knows your kids will KNOW it was her A and behavior that destroyed their family.

She will do anything to avoid that if possible.

Atg100 posted 2/9/2019 15:14 PM

Thank you all.
I think time is much more on my side than on hers.
With every day, I am much more happier without her, whilst she hasn't found a solution to her problem.
And ATG - "her rock " is not available anymore.

I feel I can't hit back much more harder. If she gets angry, my divorce will only be more expensive.
No contact is better.
I have put all her books and belongings in cardboard boxes.
She will get those tonight and she then still has until the end of next week to return my house key.
This is what I said to her, I will not change the rules.
She wouldn't recognize the place anyway.
I de-cluttered.
All wedding photos or photos of her are replaced with photos of me and the kids, or just the kids.
And I got them properly framed, by a local service. They look good, the kids love them.
On Friday I paid a cleaning service for a "deep clean" of my house.
3 cleaners spend 4 hours here, the place is crazily clean. I had friends over on Friday night, they couldn't believe their eyes.
My daughter played with glitter last night, so it looks a bit more normal now, with glitter everywhere

My lawyer send her the first letter:
As my stbxw has always maintained that she doesn't want the full legal amount of what she is entitled to, he just simply sent her a so called "pool of assets statement" and asked her to agree with the value of the assets.
She will take it to the lawyer and then make the first move for negotiations.
I bet she wont do that.
And I am also aware that she will go for the full amount; I have no doubt. But knowing that I will be ok with the worst case scenario gives me inner strength.

Marz posted 2/9/2019 16:28 PM

Nice job. It's a clear sign that your wayward was a want but never a need.

You'll be fine just keep the contact to a bare minimum

AFL1000 posted 2/9/2019 17:45 PM

Hey way to go ATG👏 Decluttering, cleaning crew in, new framed kids pictures on the wall, her remaining stuff packed up for delivery to her tonight ...symbolically a cleansing of her from your home and life.

You have been busy. I'm proud of you mate. You are so heading in the right direction to get through all of this and get on with your new life without her.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 6:39 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 2/10/2019 03:10 AM

And then the handover.
She came 10 minutes early, I was well prepared.
Everything was ready and I helped her shifting all the cardboard boxes into her car.
I got her to carry the wedding dress herself, I took all the heavy stuff. No idea how she will get it out of her car on the other end, but that is not my problem.
We spoke maybe 5 words and she gave me her key back.
In the past, when she did silence treatment, I would have come, trying to rectify things.
She didn't know that I have boundaries.
Now she knows.

Marz posted 2/10/2019 04:12 AM

Sorry man but she really didn't give you much choice.

Her other man and the affair trumps everything. You, the marriages, kids, etc.

That is who she is.

Much more clarity will come now.

You'll reflect back and realize, see a lot you were blind to before.

Freeme posted 2/10/2019 06:24 AM

In the past, when she did silence treatment, I would have come, trying to rectify things.
- Yes! You will start to enjoy the silent treatment because it make NC that much easier. Looks like you can make another home improvement and change the locks.

Atg100 posted 2/10/2019 13:49 PM

Thank Marz and Freme,
I was definitely blind to a number of things. Or made her problems and unhappiness with herself my problem, without actually waiting for her own efforts to fix things.
" Not my problem anymore" can now be said for quite a few things.

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