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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 1/30/2019 13:00 PM

Thank you both for your support , you have helped me from the start.
2000 posts !

In hindsight - the meeting was helpful : I know that whilst I feel well on my own, Iím not well when I am in her presence.
And the other big achievement of the meeting was : I told her that I donít want to be her friend.
She sent me a text later , saying she wanted it to be better for us.
I replied by saying , that I should be grateful that she gave me an opportunity to grow and self develop .
She then replied that she was hoping we would develop together - I texted back and said we are on different journeys now.
So I kept it quite impersonal and now I can put some more stones on the wall around me ...

nekonamida posted 1/30/2019 13:32 PM

ATG, don't acknowledge her when she texts or emails about missing you. She will keep doing it. She sounds completely and utterly clueless. She doesn't understand in the slightest why you can't just put all the lies, betrayal, and pain aside and act like one of her girlfriends. She is supremely self absorbed.

The best that you can do is stop falling for it.

Instead of this:

I replied by saying , that I should be grateful that she gave me an opportunity to grow and self develop.

Say nothing. And especially don't be thanking her because your "gratitude", whether sarcastic or genuine, bought you this follow up:

She then replied that she was hoping we would develop together

It gave her one more opening to pretend that everything is fine, she's not a bad person who hurt you, and that is proven by if and when you come around to accept her friendship. You have told her repeatedly that it will not happen but she's still thinking if she just forces you a little more, insists on it, that you will give in and let her have her away again at your own expense. Was this often the case while you were married to her? Did she get her way a lot?

Jorge posted 1/30/2019 13:34 PM

She sent me a text later , saying she wanted it to be better for us.

It will be better the moment she respects your wants and needs at this juncture and not hers. The selfishness that led to her affair continues post affair. It's the same behavior, just a different circumstance. Additionally, there is no longer an 'us' to speak of. She made that decision in not only having the affair, but unwilling to reconcile.
She then replied that she was hoping we would develop together

Again, together is not a word that can be used in most circumstances from this point moving forward. Her inability to acknowledge the reality of the situation is mystifying.

Stevesn posted 1/30/2019 13:56 PM

Simply, if it were me, Iíd tell her ďI donít need another friend, especially one that betrayed me already. I need a wife who loves me for me, as her one and only, and desires to be with me and no one else. Having you as a friend will only hinder my pursuit of finding that person. I am not interested in what you are offering.Ē

Atg100 posted 1/30/2019 15:01 PM

You guys are of course correct.
But I had a very weak moment - this is the woman I used to love, who now plays games to be my friend.
I lost my control - but itís not entirely bad: at least I know what to avoid in future.
Also spelling it out to her, why I donít want to be her friend may leave some impact .

NoOptTo posted 1/30/2019 17:27 PM

The saying .... with friends like you, who needs enemies. You did well in telling her she is not your friend. Your showing her that you value yourself over her betrayal.

Atg100 posted 1/31/2019 18:34 PM

And she still does it:
The kids have swim club racing today, she sends an email to say ď thanks for organising xxxĒ
She may just drop in to watch the race, apparently .

I couldnít have made it any more clear that I donít want to be her friend or have face to face time.
Yes, of course she can come to a sport event for our kids and watch as a parent - in general terms.
But : These school swim club meets are actually a rather small affair and a chance for parents to mingle.
I canít say Iím comfortable to see her in that setting.
I however doubt she will turn up: she and her colleagues go drinking after work on a Friday, AP will be there.

AFL1000 posted 2/1/2019 03:04 AM


Did STBX turn up to the kids' swim club racing? Or did she go drinking with her work colleagues and we assume meet up with the POSOM?

If she did turn up how did you handle it?

Atg100 posted 2/1/2019 04:21 AM

The kids didnít want to go after all.
We had movie night and pizza at our house with a few of my sonís friends.
I told her that we wonít be going and that was it for tonight.

Atg100 posted 2/1/2019 05:03 AM

I have to say however, that I had one of these moments again, where I had to remind myself , that this is all truly happening .
The kids and some other parents at my house for movie night - in the past she would have come home and joined us.
I missed her .
But then just had to remind myself of what she had done to us - and I really mean us as a family- to realise that I donít miss her.
The kids will go to her tomorrow - and are incredibly clingy.
Both of them are sleeping right now in my bed. They never used to do that. Itís fine by me, as long as they feel safe.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:04 AM, February 1st (Friday)]

AFL1000 posted 2/1/2019 06:11 AM


It's perfectly OK to have these roller coaster feelings but just keep telling yourself of the emotional damage her affair has cost you and the children. Keep reminding yourself that she did not consider your, or her children's, feelings when she embarked on the affair or the fallout when the affair was discovered. Remind yourself of her lies and deceit while you, not her, tried to reconcile. And all the emails she exchanged with POSOM.

Remembering these things will get you quickly past those "I miss her" moments.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:31 AM, February 1st (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 2/1/2019 15:17 PM

Absolutely, that is correct.
The longer I donít hear from her or see her, the better.
But - again it puts her in charge of my happiness.
-> when I see her, I get unhappy.
I need to not let me affect seeing her so much, but step one is really to cut it down more.
Iím contemplating if I should get the nanny for a while to do the handover for me.
But thatís avoidance , rather than mastering my mindset.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:09 PM, February 1st (Friday)]

NoOptTo posted 2/1/2019 17:38 PM

Set your exchanges in public so she can not pull the kids are having ice cream again. When she approaches and wants to engage with you, simply state that you have to be somewhere and excuse yourself. She will get the point soon enough.

Atg100 posted 2/4/2019 05:05 AM

I picked my boy up from her house and drove him to judo training.
Thatís my thing so to say and important for me .
However , when I dropped him off after training, she was wearing pyjamas.
At 7:30 pm.
I shouldnít care , but it still irritated me.
He is too young , I canít stay in the car when I drop him off.
It just doesnít occur to her that this is too intimate for my liking - or am I being played?

AFL1000 posted 2/4/2019 05:50 AM


Well there's pajamas and then there's pajamas!!!! If we're talking the mummy flannellette type and not the sexy sleepware variety then I wouldn't make too much of it.

My wife will often jump into her most favourite comfortable pajamas (and with all respect to my wife they are not sexy ) after an early bath or when she's doing her beauty treatments.

I wouldn't try and read too much into this as it will do your head in

You did the right thing by just dropping off your son safely inside and going. Absolutely minimum interaction with STBXW.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:56 AM, February 4th (Monday)]

Freeme posted 2/4/2019 09:14 AM

If it's anything but the comfortable PJ of the flannel variety then she is playing you. She doesn't like being "ignored" she wants you to "want" her even if she isn't interested. It's best to go crickets but I'd be tempted to pretend to miss the point and say something along the lines of... "it must be nice to be ready for bed so early...feel like I my day's just beginning!" in a happy busy tone.
The gist is that she looks lazy not sexy by dressing for bed at 7:30 am.

Crickets with a look of "You've got to be kidding me>" would be best.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:15 AM, February 4th (Monday)]

Atg100 posted 2/5/2019 06:09 AM

Thanks guys.
The roller coaster of emotions keeps pushing me up and down.
I was at work until 8pm, then went to the gym - nobody is waiting for me at home.
And I just feel sad.
I practice mindfulness, especially in the gym just now, I really focussed on the moment.
My boss called me in the office yesterday :Ē
You need to go on tinder and have wild sex ď that will heal you.
Maybe - but Iím grieving the loss of a 12 year relationship .
Can you just get over this with casual sex ?
I certainly canít.
Iím seeing my psychologist tomorrow .
But much more important - Iím going to get the kids in the evening .
They give me joy and sense at the moment .

Butforthegrace posted 2/5/2019 07:35 AM

ATG, I was dumped for the AP by xWLTGF after a 9-year relationship. I almost immediately entered into a highly sexual rebound relationship. The young woman was about 19 -- I was about 30 -- and was a stunner. Like Halle Berry. Nothing sexual was off limits, and she was the aggressor most of the time. At first it was like giving a drink of water to a thirsty many who had been lost in the desert, but eventually I came to realize that she was as broken as I was, for different reasons, and the relationship itself was merely a fantasy escape, for each of us.

Frankly, it is my experience in that rebound relationship that helps me understand to some level what drives some wayward spouses to do what they do. Broken people find each other, and when they do, they create broken relationships.

I was not able to do any real healing until I stopped finding refuge in others and started looking squarely at myself and coming to grips with who I am.

So, hot sex with a tinder hookup can feel good, but be aware that it's a temporary palliative. An anesthetic. Not a cure.

Atg100 posted 2/5/2019 16:26 PM

Thanks for that ;
I canít actually see myself being close, emotional or physical to any other person at the moment.
And there is no rush. The thought was just put into my mind by my bossesí suggestion.
I carry on with healthy activities ( not that a hook up between two consenting adults is unhealthy ) and when Iím ready to meet someone else, Iím pretty sure I know this.
I like your quote ď broken people find each other ď
Itís very true

AFL1000 posted 2/5/2019 19:32 PM


While your boss's suggestion was well meaning I'm sure to help you deal with the emotional roller coaster you're on after the ending of a 12 year relationship, I am glad you did not for a minute consider having casual sex as that would just add another layer of complexity to your life.

I am glad BFTG responded to your post about sexually charged rebound relationships and I think his comment about "broken people find each other, and when they do, they create broken relationships" is so on the money. I'm going to quote this often BFTG

This could well apply to STBXW and POSOM!!!

And at least your place won't be quiet or lonely when it's your turn to have the kids with you for the next few days of co-parenting.

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