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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 1/23/2019 23:03 PM

I received two phone calls in quick succession :
1) my stbxw - crying - ď I donít want to mess you around but I just wanted to say I miss youĒ
2) my lawyer - he told me the likely payout sum she can demand.
( it was a very high sum )

Pretty hard to keep my focus.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 11:16 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

Jorge posted 1/23/2019 23:34 PM

Are you suggesting the calls are not coincidental, as I do? If there's one thing that's consistent, is your STBXW can't contain her shame. I'm assuming she was informed of that number and felt horrible that her actions not only reduces your access to your kids by 50% but a significant percentage of your net worth as well. She recognizes this is all on her.

All of her outreach seems designed to express regret for the fallout and anguish she has caused , but there's no accountability or change in her behavior, just self-pity on ramifications knowing she's the source. Very frustrating. On missing you...... ????? Words, no action. Not that it matters though. Did a conversation follow, or just hung up?

[This message edited by Jorge at 11:37 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 1/23/2019 23:38 PM

No, she doesnít know about this figure yet.
I have prepared a so called pool of assets statement , which I will send her next week.
I now have the required information together to create this document .

But no, I doubt she has even seen a lawyer .

Atg100 posted 1/23/2019 23:39 PM

And no conversation followed .
I told her that I had lunch with a colleague and couldnít really talk.

Stevesn posted 1/24/2019 00:15 AM


My suggestion would be to tell your STBXW that she needs to figure out what it means to be a safe spouse. Thatís the way to even start a discussion about R. Becoming that person can take years. Ask her what sheís done to research repairing your marriage after youíve had an affair.

Iím sure she wonít be able to tell you.

I think thatís the best way to shut down her weeping.

If you want to go further Iíd let her know that becoming someone you would even consider talking to about R that sheíd have to go to weekly IC for a year with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity. Point blank let her know you wonít even discuss the possibility until sheís done that.

Youíre on the right path friend. Stay on it.

Ps: and itís your fault Iím up so late here in the states. Hooked on watching the Aussie Open.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:16 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 1/24/2019 00:36 AM

- Iím certain she doesnít want to reconcile.
She wants to keep me as a friend, so family stuff together, but not a romantic relationship .
I didnít sign up for that.

AFL1000 posted 1/24/2019 05:24 AM


Like you I would be very sceptical about the out of the blue phone call from your STBXW professing how she misses you. This is her playing games yet again. I assume the kids are back with you again after handover and she is still upset because the mutual friend invited you and the kids to go camping but she wasn't. Seems to me she is indulging in self pity because you are not reacting to her baiting you with her phone calls and emails.

We can be cynical about her motives for the phone call and her engagement in her own 'pity party' because she is now without the kids (who want to be with Dad anyway) who are about to enjoy a great camping weekend, as well as the loss of comforts of the lifestyle you previously provided.

Stay strong and enjoy the camping trip with friends and the kids this long weekend.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:47 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 1/24/2019 14:24 PM

I am not even cynical about it - I just feel sad for her now.
She wanted that nice little affair on the side.
The fog made her believe that she has never loved me.
She somehow thought that she would benefit from my friendship and generosity even if she moves out after an affair.
And only now does she realize, it doesn't work.

I will enjoy the camping; we will have a meeting next week to draft our co-parenting agreement.
We will see what will be said.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:24 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]

AFL1000 posted 1/24/2019 17:07 PM


That you can feel some sadness for her says much about your character, even after the shit storm she has dished up to you over the past year.

With the impending rounds of co-parenting and divorce negotiations I hope she doesn't go rogue on you under the influence of her witches coven and family. I hope she wants to 'play nice' but your post about her never contributing to rent, mortgage, utilities or even paying for drinks and meals when out with friends, but always having nice clothes and jewellery, sends out warning signals.

Hope you have good weather on the camp. We are struggling down here with a heat wave of 44-46 degrees C today (that's 111-115 degrees F for our US SI members!!)

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:10 PM, January 24th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 1/26/2019 15:52 PM

Yes, true:
Iím too soft for this world, I truly feel sad for her.
But I donít confuse this with love or the wish to reconcile.

The children are the tricky bit: I wish I would just never talk to her again, and move on.
But the children are the connection which will never get away.

Camping is great: the afternoon heat is very intense ; there is a little creek here and the kids are happy .
Overall there are 10 children in the group we are camping with- and many more around the campsite .
They havenít asked for their mother but I make sure they ď FaceTime ď her once a day. ( I never talk to her during these chats )

NoOptTo posted 1/26/2019 16:44 PM

Your true character is showing when you make your kids face time their mother. Too bad your STBXWW will probably never realize what she is losing due to her self absorbed behavior.

Enjoy all the time you have with your kids. Continue to model for them how grow into loving compassionate adults.

NoOptTo posted 1/29/2019 18:29 PM

Hoping your meeting with your STBXWW doesn't turn into let's try and save our marriage without me having to do the work necessary for forgiveness.

Atg100 posted 1/29/2019 19:11 PM

The meeting is tonight.
I have been thinking about it a little bit.
I realised that I have been only concerned about myself and the children.
I have not spend a single thought about reconciliation with her since she last told me 3 weeks ago, that she doesnít want to reconcile.
I think the best way will be to say nothing.
I will talk about the kids, the co-parenting agreement and donít talk about any other topics.
If she wants to talk about anything, then she can do it.
But I wonít go there .

I realised last night , that even when I feel lonely in my house, which is empty and quite and when I miss my children terribly - I feel so much better compared to how I felt last year.
What could she possibly offer to make the situation any better for me ?

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:12 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

AFL1000 posted 1/29/2019 19:27 PM


Sorry must have missed in your posts where your stbxw told you 3 weeks ago that she doesnít want to reconcile. What was the context of that conversation?

And yet on 23 Jan she calls you, crying and says ďI donít want to mess you around but I just wanted to say I miss youĒ. The mind fuckery of the WW is endless!

Hope all goes OK tonight for the co-parenting negotiations.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:40 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 1/29/2019 19:40 PM

Whilst I was on holidays , she sent me two emails, stating how sorry she was and that she only now would understand all the pain she had caused .
I rang her and asked if these emails are a sign, that she wanted to reconcile and she said no.
3 weeks have passed, there was this phone call, when she told me , how much she missed me, last week.
So it maybe that she changed her mind ?

But I deserve so much more.
I deserve that my wife doesnít need an affair and to move out of our home to realise that she misses me.
Just because she doesnít like the situation doesnít mean, I have to take her back.
I will just ď smile and wave ď

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:41 PM, January 29th (Tuesday)]

Unbroken78 posted 1/29/2019 19:44 PM


She is baiting you to see how much power she still has over you.

She is seeing if you are still and option...if she can still tug on your heart strings. She wanted you to call and ask her to R...not because she wants to R...but to see who loves who more and who has the power in the relationship.

She wants to make sure her plan B is still there in case her plan A doesn't work she throws some memories and love tingles your way, just to string you along.

Best bet is to ignore it. It hurts to read it and to even engage with her. It's why a lot of men simply say "send all info via my lawyer"...the drama from the ex is just too painful.

Nobody deserves to be plan B.

Atg100 posted 1/29/2019 19:53 PM

I would prefer to only email her about the co-parenting arrangements, but she is actually a terrible communicator.
Dates I wanted her to confirm ages ago - when do we take time off during Easter holidays for example .
I asked that 2 weeks ago, it affects my work roster and colleagues - still no answer yet.
So Iíll bring the draft excel sheet tonight, get us to agree on dates and then have some sort of certainty.
To get an extra day of camping last weekend out of her was like getting blood out of a stone.

Also - it would be much more economical if we can work out the co-parenting agreement without lawyers or mediation.

Atg100 posted 1/30/2019 05:41 AM

Meeting was awful .
We both agreed on the children matters quite easily.
But the truth was - Iím the more vulnerable person.
My stbxw just wanted to talk like friends to me:
I told her that I donít want to be her friend, that itís far too early for any kind of face to face meetings and that I donít wish to repeat this exercise in the near future .
I was honest and said that Iím emotionally still far more attached that she is and that I had to leave to be by myself .
She had some vague apology - but itís pretty clear: she wanted to put me in the friend zone and I just had to tell her that I donít want to be there at all.

AFL1000 posted 1/30/2019 07:04 AM


Well glad you could come to an agreement on the co-parenting arrangements. The fact that it was done without any major issues arising makes me think that was not the primary reason for your STBXW requesting the meeting. It appears to me that she was sussing out what effect she still had on you by playing the 'we can still be friends' card and getting you to divulge that you are 'emotionally still far more attached than she is'.

IMO she is game playing to see what emotional responses she can evoke from you. As she did when she recently phoned you and said that she missed you. So now that you know what the game is I agree that any future 1-on-1, F2F meetings are out and the only contact from now on is at the kids' handover with absolutely the minimum communication with her.

I am glad you told her in no uncertain terms that you will not be her friend. She doesn't under any circumstances warrant having that title bestowed on her.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:13 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 1/30/2019 11:19 AM


Since I believe Iíve posted on your thread more than any I ever have, I figured this is a pretty good place to deliver my 2000th Post.

Iím sorry that was so difficult for you.

I agree with you and AFL that you should not accept the ďfriend zoneĒ. You dont need any friend like her. If she were my friend and started behaving the way she has, Iíd step back from her.

You should be in no way in a position to ďstep towardĒ being her friend.

Please stick to finances and kids schedules as the only communication, and anything you can flow thru the lawyer, do so.

She is not showing one damn sign of wanting R, so frivolous conversation should be ignored.

I am really sorry it has come to this ATG. Youíre a good man who will find himself a good woman to spend his life with someday. She just wasnít that person.

Someday if she really shows up asking and begging what she can do to repair the damage she has caused then we can help you create and share that list if that is what you want.

But right now she doesnít even show a level of awareness that is required to really start feeling remorse at all.

Still here if you need us.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:21 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

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