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Different perspective

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Mrhealed posted 1/7/2019 04:34 AM


IMO once your wifeb tryed to get into a serious relation with OM, happened 2 things:

OM ran away. He doesnt as want a serious relation with a mother of 2. He just wanted yo have fun; and
Your wife realized that OM was using her. She traded sex for attention but believed was the beggining ir a relation.

She didnt fall back in love with you. As plan A was bot for real, she wants plan B enforced .

Tha problem of being plan B is that plan A is out there and she will be looking for him

What would had happened if OM was what your wife wanted??? No email and boy sorry on her end.

IMO you own your kids to protect them from this mess, give them a good examople of what to tolerate from a partner and stability. I think your wife is not R material and trying to keep your marriage will harm your kids even more.

Atg100 posted 1/7/2019 05:28 AM

Donít worry,
I have no intentions of being anyoneís option B.
I felt that for the kidsí sake , I had to think about it.
But the answer is simple - Iím looking forward now.

AFL1000 posted 1/7/2019 06:24 AM


We never expected that you would ever accept being Plan B.

But be prepared that IMO you will start to receive more emails and she will make attempts to talk to you about how sorry she is when you return home. She is drawing on the well used cheater's scripts to try and entice you back into the relationship and for you to question yourself about the separation.

I fully understand the pain I have caused
I am still the same person you used to know...

Stay strong for yourself and the kids. And I reiterate Stevesn's words:

"So keep up what you are doing and donít respond to any of her nonsense. You have it all well in hand."

I mentioned previously I strongly suspect POSOM is starting to, or has already, cut his ties with her and only now is the situation becoming very real for her which is why she is reaching out to you now ...and only after a week or so since vacationing in Bali with the kids and without her!. Her email to you is all about her and an attempt to deflect her guilt for the affair.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:01 AM, January 7th (Monday)]

Butforthegrace posted 1/7/2019 07:15 AM

I am still the same person you used to know, prior to recent events

Aside from the minimizing phraseology ("recent events" = "me fucking another man and crushing your heart for the past year or so"), the scariest bit about this statement is that she is "the same person" as the one who decided that fucking another man was a good idea. The last thing any BH in his right mind would do -- the very last thing -- is agree to attempt R with the same person who existed before the A. That person is a person who will justify to herself that it's okay to fuck another man outside the marriage and blame her spouse for it.

One think we know for sure, based on thousands of posts here on SI, is that R only works if, among other things, the WW fixes her broken pre-A moral compass and makes herself into somebody new, somebody materially different than the person who existed before the A.

If you reply at all, it might be along those lines. "Dear WW. Thank you for confirming that you are the same person you were before the A. That person is the kind of person who will decide that it is okay to secretly fuck another man behind her husband's back and blame her husband for it. I wish that person success in her future relationships, which will not be with me."

Atg100 posted 1/7/2019 07:23 AM

There wonít be any replies.
In her defence ( and Iím not even sure why I am writing this ) :
Emails are terrible for such emotional matters.
Or for many other matters, I have seen it before that a simple email leaves the recipient offended, just by interpreting an email in a way, which wasnít really intended.
I wonít dissect what she wrote and send a reply.
But her email was particularly stupid, I have to admit.
No reply is the best

Ripped62 posted 1/7/2019 07:27 AM


Butforthegrace posted 1/7/2019 08:16 AM

In her defence ( and Iím not even sure why I am writing this ) :
Emails are terrible for such emotional matters.
Or for many other matters, I have seen it before that a simple email leaves the recipient offended, just by interpreting an email in a way, which wasnít really intended.

Point well taken. I have a friend, a very successful man, CEO of a large publicly traded company. One of his motto's: "If you have a little problem with somebody, put it in an email and it will turn into a big problem. Or pick up the phone, call him, and work it out."

That said, a WW in her position, exploring the possibility of returning to you since she apparently has nobody else to turn to, is likely to bare her soul and be very emotionally honest. I do think she meant it when she said she is the "same person" she was before, and I believe she has not examined herself enough to understand how terrifying that truth would be to a BH like you.

Atg100 posted 1/7/2019 19:02 PM

She did send another email.
Apparently, she didn't have an affair and she is very sorry.
I called her and asked why she had sent this message.
- She didn't want me to think badly of her. I told her I judge her by her actions, not her words.
I told her that she will hear from my lawyer.

I then sent her an email, with all the evidence I have of them having an affair.
I told her that I don't want an answer at all.
I encouraged her to discuss the timeline of her affair with her counsellor, someone who can actually help her. - But I don't want to hear the outcome.

She then send a message " Don't give up on us yet"

NoOptTo posted 1/7/2019 19:18 PM


Keep your focus on moving forward with your life. Only response neccessary is we will only discuss the children and our finances moving towards our permanent separation.

She is grasping at things to cling onto now. Reality is setting in she is out in the cold looking for that hail Mary pass to save her life as she knows it. She hasnt done any work to show that she values you or the pain she has caused you. It still all about her.

Wish you well in staying focused on your goal and showing your kids that you value your selves over a lying, manipulative cheater.

Atg100 posted 1/7/2019 19:30 PM

As I said - I donít actually want to achieve anything else apart from divorce and coparenting .
But I felt that it would be good for her to discuss my email with a counselor.
Personal growth has to come from somewhere and given she is the mother of my children, it would be good for her to learn that:
- she fucked up
- itís all her fault
She needs to deal with it.
The email I sent was only full of facts :
ď on this day you met in this pub and told me you would be with those friendsĒ
ď this was the content of your message on the 4th of AugustĒ
I didnít put any judgement or comments into it, just the facts.
Iím sure they are incomplete anyway.
But it will prevent her sending any more emails ď I did not have an affair ď
And who knows ? The counselor may be really helpful for her?

Marz posted 1/7/2019 19:42 PM

You can't fix her. Any contact at this time gets you nothing.

Your rule should be: I don't do second place.

Atg100 posted 1/7/2019 20:07 PM

Thanks - I want nothing apart from financial resolution and a signed coparenting agreement.

Jorge posted 1/7/2019 20:26 PM

She then send a message " Don't give up on us yet"

Did you tell her, "that's already happened"? Furthermore, she's the one that gave up on you! Doesn't she know you're divorcing her? She must've forgotten of your knowledge of her communication with AP where she stated or emailed, she was thinking about kissing AP's lips or something to that effect.

She's delusional and have been so for a year now. Glad you're removing yourself from a person who can't make a decision between husband and family or an AP she realizes isn't who she thought she was, yet making plans to meet up with him moments after take off. Her words and actions have no matching qualities. None! Zippo!

She's committed to seeing what's out there, while thinking/hoping you remain until she's done. In your running dialogue of her discussions with you I don't recall reading once where she has stated wanting to be with you, let alone loving you. Just tears, a few "I'm sorry's" and attempts at making you believe you aren't seeing what you are seeing.

AFL1000 posted 1/7/2019 21:11 PM


I predicted the commencement of the emails but not the "Don't give up on us yet" comment. I'm sorry who gave up on who here.

Who on finding out about the affair tried his very best to get counselling for both of you? And the additional psychiatric counselling for her. ATG did.
Who invested all his emotional energy into looking for a path to reconciliation? ATG did.

Let's look at her track record.

Who had the affair and kept it secret from her husband for 8 months? Oh that's right it wasn't an affair!!!!
Who is the one who returning from the trip to Tasmania as part of reconciliation immediately met up with her AP?
Who is the one who said she didn't believe she loved her husband any more?
Who was the one who has continually lied about the extent of the affair and the meetings and Facebook messages between them?
Who was the one who continually gave mixed messages about her wanting to work on the relationship?
Who after promising her husband she wouldn't meet her AP at the Christmas party did exactly that?
Who, once ATG had had enough and asked her to leave and separation and divorce was on the table, immediately went to find an apartment and put up no fight to stay as she saw this as the opportunity to have more time with her AP?

The salient message on SI is it's not words but actions by a WS that indicates their remorse for the pain inflicted on their BS. Well almost ex Mrs ATG you failed.

The sad thing is she may actually believe it wasn't an affair and that she can get back what she had. Unfortunately it's now too late.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 10:49 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

Hippo16 posted 1/7/2019 22:48 PM

you posted some time ago:

♂ Member
Member # 66119
Default Posted: 5:12 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2018 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage
I just realised something which to everyone who has helped me and read my post must have been obvious from page 1.

My wife just doesnít want to be with me.

And thatís pretty much it.
And all the pick me dancing, trying to understand her, looking for faults within myself , going to counselors and whatever else, just simple wonít change that fact.

Being a doctor and I would guess an emphatic one at that, I can see your mindset to try and save your marriage.

You fought a Yeoman's fight and you didn't know but you had lost before you started.

Mrs. Atg100, per your posts, seems to have the mind of a 16 year old and major lacking in boundaries and/or integrity.

You will be much better off going forward without the baggage of what she has given you.

In a few years you will look back and wonder: "What the Holy F@#K was I thinking?"

easy - you fought the proper fight - hold your head high and be glad you set a sterling example for your children

Atg100 posted 1/8/2019 05:21 AM

Thank you.
Yes I tried and tried.

I can hold my head high.
Whilst I am a bit unhappy that I had to break my no contact during holiday, I just could not leave and email denying that she had an affair unanswered.
This email was not about me or saying sorry; it was all her wanting me to write things like "
It's ok, I forgive you. "
But she has surrounded herself with friends who are enablers and who will tell her " that she can do it"
Nobody will tell her the truth and she could just continue in lala land.
I have been very civilized throughout the whole process,today I stuck to the facts.

Mrhealed posted 1/8/2019 06:49 AM


She is now realizing that taken you for granted thinking she could always be back if she was not able to get a better ďdealĒ, was just smoke.

While living in your house, seeing her kids, she didnít face any real consequences for her cheating and her words/actions after DDay. Within weeks of real consequences, unicorn farts from fantasy land are starting to stink! Well the grass is greener on the other side because the grass is always greener over the septic tank

Temperance is a key factor to start a healthy co-parenting relationship with her. No matter what she is the mother of your kids! Nevertheless she is not your responsibility any more, besides your kids and finance. IMO she needs to face and deal with the consequences of her actions by her own.

By telling her what to do, she gets the wrong message that there is still hope, that she is just being punished and everything will be back at normal. The thing is that it may affect your kids all this instability.

In a nut shell, your words should be a reflection of your actions! Let her deal with her shit by her own.

Sorry if I am mistaken

Atg100 posted 1/8/2019 15:18 PM

Mr healed
Thank you, this is good advice.
Iím not planning to have any more correspondence with her.
Today is my last day on holidays , I will focus on having a good time with my children.

Atg100 posted 1/9/2019 06:12 AM

My last night in Bali.
Iím not the same person who arrived 2 weeks ago.
Iím leaving with a strong plan and a sense of relief, that I donít have to put up with her bullshit anymore.
There will be setbacks for sure.
But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

AFL1000 posted 1/9/2019 07:45 AM

Iím not the same person who arrived 2 weeks ago.
Iím leaving with a strong plan and a sense of relief, that I donít have to put up with her bullshit anymore.

Great news ATG

Glad the time away gave you the time for reflection and clarity of actions to be taken and show your kids how great a Dad you can be, even with the frustration and annoyance of your wife's emails in the last week of your vacation.

You said you had organised with the inlaws to meet them at Perth airport before you flew back to Brissie so the kids could spend time with their grandparents and your wife for the last week of school holidays.

Do you think there is any chance the soon to be ex Mrs ATG may try to highjack you by also turning up at the airport to plead her case that all this is just a big mistake because she didn't actually have an affair (even in the face of all the evidence you sent to the contrary)?

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:55 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

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