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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 12/21/2018 17:48 PM

Hi Stevesn,
That is not a bad idea, but I think the only helpful thing for me is time and distance - and the same for her.
I think she told the psychiatrist about those concerns but also that she is in the midst of a separation.
I guess the psychiatrist concluded that a change of antidepressants under those current circumstances would be too risky.

I just have to build boundaries for myself .
Wondering about those things is not helpful right now.
I take the weekend for me and then see on Monday what I feel about your suggestions .
Iím too vulnerable at the moment

AFL1000 posted 12/22/2018 00:13 AM

Hi ATG

I am glad you are still reading our posts and responding when you feel able to.

Yes I am sure you feel vulnerable at a number of levels with all that's happening to you and I will refrain from asking any questions about your wife or the separation but I will ask if you have maintained IC either with your initial counsellor or with your new psychologist as you need this support especially if your emotions start to get on top of you.

I also hope you are using your support network of parents, siblings and close friends to talk openly through your feelings, which may include things you may not want to divulge even within the anonymity of SI.

We know you are going through a painful period but you will get though it as other BSs on SI have done and be stronger for it in the end.

Our support is as always only just a post away.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 12:14 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 12/24/2018 05:27 AM

Hi guys
I just wanted to take the opportunity to thank everyone who has helped me and wish you all a Merry Christmas.
Iím doing ok and keep on detaching myself from my stbxw .

Buster123 posted 12/24/2018 06:53 AM

Merry Christmas ATG100, have fun with the kids in Bali.

AFL1000 posted 12/24/2018 07:21 AM

Hi ATG

A Merry Christmas to you too and enjoy your time with the kids. There is nothing more magical than seeing the joy in our kids as they unwrap their Christmas presents and the innocence of still believing in Santa.

Enjoy the two weeks in Bali with the kids.

Atg100 posted 1/5/2019 01:22 AM

Hi from Bali and Happy New year.

The day we left was pretty hard. A lot of things came together - I had to organize travel for the two children and myself for the first time all on my own. How would my 4 year old handle the plane flight? Would I forget something?
The other thing of course was, that I was still able to log into my stbxw's facebook account and see her communications with her AP. There was a strong pull towards doing this and just self discipline alone didn't stop me.
There was wifi on the plane flight and I could see live when we hadn't even left the airport, my stbxw and her AP were talking about meeting in a pub that day and going on a bike ride the next.
So I called her from Bali once we had arrived. I told her what I read and also made her aware that I had her passwords.
After that , I didn't have the urge to log on anymore, remained strict 'no contact ' and became more and more relaxed. I chatted a couple of times with my mother in law on facetime.
- She wanted to see the grandchildren which was ok, but she kept on telling me that her daughter did not have an affair, that the other guy was just a friend.
I told her that this was bullshit and that I won't talk to her anymore.
My 7 year old has an Ipad, he can text and do facetime with his mother and grandparents whenever he wants to. I even encourage him to do so, because I don't want to use access to the children in this situation as a bargaining tool.

But myself, I didn't talk to MIL or STBXW.

My kids and I have the greatest fun. It is one of the best holidays ever. Single dad life is not bad, there are plenty of families here, who have kids my children can play with. And I can talk to the parents, so not missing out on adult conversation. I sleep well, am fully relaxed and there is some magic about this place.

Never before have I felt that strongly, that I am in a place for a reason. The first night was overwhelming, but now the purpose is so clear:
To become myself again.

Yesterday an email from my wife arrived and the content did not surprise me the slightest:

She feels very sorry.
I have been correct all the time right from the beginning.
She has made many bad choices last year.
She now realizes that I loved her and tried to fix things.
The AP is just exactly the guy I told her he would be.
She now fully understands the pain she inflicted.
Today is a new day...

Well - firstly : I don't even think she can even closely comprehend the pain she has caused.

Secondly - I didn't answer and have no intention to do so.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 1:23 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

AFL1000 posted 1/5/2019 03:07 AM

Hey ATG

Glad to hear from you. It's amazing what a change of environment can do for ones outlook on life and for the soul.

..but now the purpose is so clear ..To become myself again

So as a number of the members predicted she now sends the apologetic email: very sorry, made bad choices, AP not the person he made himself out to be, etc, etc etc, but still wants to meet the POSOM at the pub and go bike riding!

What was her response when you rang her from Bali and told her you knew she was planning on meeting up with the POSOM because you had seen her Facebook messages?

And no she does not fully comprehend the pain she inflicted on you. You were absolutely right in not replying to the email.

How do you interpret her comment of "Today is a new day.." For you? For her? For your relationship?

Enjoy the rest of your stay in Bali with the kids.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 3:25 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 1/5/2019 03:24 AM

The catching up with him happened before the apology.
I hope the new day is for her, I guess?
I mean, hopefully she becomes a decent person again and a faithful partner in her next relationship .
Which wonít be with me, of course.

What annoys me most, is that I had just nicely put all those troubles aside, and now she made me think about it again.

AFL1000 posted 1/5/2019 03:33 AM

"... I had put all those troubles aside and now she made me think about it again."

Simple for the remainder of your vacation DO NOT READ ANY MORE OF HER EMAILS.

And what might we attribute to her sending you this email. As has been seen in other threads now that your wife is separated the POSOM does not see her as 'forbidden fruit' ; she is a part-time Mum with two kids so it is probable that he is rapidly losing interest and looking for new conquests given what you have told us about him.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 4:22 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 1/5/2019 05:51 AM

That guy:
Iím so glad that I donít have to worry about him anymore .

Bali has given me a lot of perspective ; I just hope it will carry over when returning to work and routine.

I donít care for anything my stbxw writes to be completely honest.
The only matters I will discuss with her are financial separation and coparenting .

Ripped62 posted 1/5/2019 07:22 AM

Your vacation will remain in the memory of your children into adulthood. Thanks for sharing the "great time" you are having. I am glad your vacation provided you with perspective.

I am sorry your wayward wife is trying to suck you back in. No contact as you described is the best way to deal with her difficulty of letting go of something she destroyed.

Your MIL is of no help to you or her by minimizing the actions of your wayward wife. No contact is the best way of dealing with individuals doing the bidding of the wayward spouse. They are like the flying monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz." There is no reason for propagating false narratives.

Minimization of the pain is very common for many wayward spouses in my experience. It is deplorable. They have great difficulty accepting and acknowledging the wayward actions they have executed and the resulting pain and destruction they have caused. Even more reprehensible is the manipulation undertaken when they are faced with individual consequences.

The intrusive thoughts are miserable. The frequency and severity will get better with time and healing.

It is great that you have defined your path out of infidelity. It seems you are done with all of her crazy decisions and destructive acts. Please maintain the positive trajectory you have undertaken. You are doing very well in my opinion at processing the difficulties in your life caused by your wayward wife.

Even if you have a slip up when you return to work and routine, the perspective you have acquired when on Holiday will be enhanced as you process the trauma and heal. You should be able to build upon your accomplishments.

Thank you for sharing about your vacation and how you are doing.

Best wishes to you and your children.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 7:23 AM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 1/5/2019 12:04 PM

I'm glad you're having a great time with Bali with the children, as to your STBXWW, just tell the bitch to leave you alone, that the ship of your new life has sailed and she ain't in it, wish her a happy life and tell her to ONLY contact you for matters involving the D or the children, tell your in-laws you don't need their explanations, she's already admitted to it and that at this point you don't care what they believe or not.

paboy posted 1/5/2019 21:36 PM

I am surprised about how short it took for WW to start seeing the 'wood for the tree's'.. I actually thought that you may 'never' have had her fully realize what her actions had resulted in. Unfortunately for her, the ship has sailed.

I don't know about you, but it put abit of a smile on my face. The trip to Bali was a god send. Gave you distance, and the final 'closure'.

Forgot to add(and I'm not even watching the cricket), her parents response is really them now trying to save a loss situation for her, and not at all about them having a dig at you.

[This message edited by paboy at 9:45 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/5/2019 21:40 PM

She wanted to see the grandchildren which was ok, but she kept on telling me that her daughter did not have an affair, that the other guy was just a friend.

Pretty typical. Most will side with their family. Now you know where you stand

She feels very sorry.
I have been correct all the time right from the beginning.
She has made many bad choices last year.
She now realizes that I loved her and tried to fix things.
The AP is just exactly the guy I told her he would be.
She now fully understands the pain she inflicted.
Today is a new day...

Just words to try and pacify you. Because you read her messages. You can't believe anything she says.

What you've learned:

The world didn't end
You'll be fine without her
You can handle life with the kids on your own

Only you can keep yourself bound up in this.

No contact is your only way out

[This message edited by Marz at 9:46 PM, January 5th (Saturday)]

Marz posted 1/5/2019 21:53 PM

Your MIL isn't stupid. She wants you there for her daughter's sake. You don't matter much but her daughter does. She wants her to have that security and income that you provide.

I suspect once your wayward is out on her own and the unicorns and rainbows disappear she'll want that security and income back as well. It won't be for you.

You'd be wise to not get sucked back into this vortex based on her meaningless words.

Good luck

Atg100 posted 1/6/2019 03:56 AM

I think my MIL means well to a degree.
She worries about the grandchildren of course.
But my wifeís cousin, who I always got on well with called me the other day.
She is disappointed by my wifeís affair and clearly ď on my side ď
She told me that my in-laws most likely will soon switch .
My wife was always their princess who couldnít do wrong.
The story would soon be changed to ď ATG didnít give her any attention, it was a loveless marriage ..Ē
I thanked her for her advice .
Anyway , what can they do ? They are on the other side of the country .

AFL1000 posted 1/6/2019 05:51 AM

ATG

We all know when push comes to shove ' blood is thicker than water'. Your inlaws will naturally support your wife, even if deep down they know she is in the wrong. Inlaws are no different from WSs, there will be the requisite rewriting of the marital history based on your wife's version of events to them.

I suggest you just see how they react to you personally about the whole situation and if you think it appropriate write the inlaws a brief letter saying you are sorry the marriage had to end this way but if your wife had been more honest about her perceived issues with the marriage we may have been able to rectify the problem without her resorting to having an affair, which is 100% on her.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:56 AM, January 6th (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 1/6/2019 13:28 PM

I'm glad your having a wonderful time with your children after Christmas. Hopefully this becomes a new tradition for you and your children, traveling after the holiday. Its important to create new memories for your kids to look forward to now. Remember to be the sane responsible parent for your kids. Your STBXWW is just now starting to come out of her fog if she stated the truth to you that POSOM is not who he seemed to be. Hopefully she becomes truthful with her therapist now to try and become a better partner for her future partner. You keep on moving forward in life. You will prosper in life knowing what you want in life. Be that great father, show your kids what living a good honest life is like.

Stevesn posted 1/6/2019 23:17 PM

Sorry was away for the weekend with my wife and took a short break from SI.

ATG Iím so glad you and the kids had such a great bonding experience. Itís what we all hoped for.

You know your WW is miles away from being Reconciliation material so I donít have to convince you of that. She needs to get herself lots of help even if you are never together again which is now a probability more than it is a possibility, I am sorry to say.

So keep up what you are doing and donít respond to any of her nonsense. You have it all well in hand.

Can someone like her do the work to win you back and show growth and a true empathy for what she has done? Yes, others have.

But that takes years, not months. So no need to wait around and see if that happens. Move forward with the legal ending of your marriage and ensure that long process is started.

If someday she resurrects herself and presents a changed person you can make decisions about a new relationship if that unlikely time ever arrives. And even if it does, I expect you not too care any longer as you will have found true happiness with someone worthy of your love and affection.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:18 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 1/7/2019 04:06 AM

Hi Stevesn,
thank you for your message.
We will be here in Bali until Thursday; that is the easy part.
I will then take the long way back - first drop the kids off in Perth, where they will stay with their mother and grandparents for their last week of school holidays.
I have asked for my in-laws to pick the kids up. I don't want to see my wife, when I will be sad anyway because I have to say good-bye to the kids. And I will have to rush to take my flight back to Brisbane.
I think that will keep it clean.

Yes my wife would have a lot of work to do.

To write " I fully understand the pain I have caused" after one week of no contact is bullshit.

And she also wrote " I am still the same person you used to know, prior to recent events"
She really used the word "recent" .
Given that her affair started in December 2017, "recent" just doesn't cut it.
Her affair is life changing to our kids, her and myself, it would require a very mature approach to deal with her own problems.
But I don't think she is capable of doing this.
Whilst the AP may have not been what she thought he would be, she will now have a string of short term relationships, hoping that the new guy will replace what she has lost.
The personal growth won't happen.
Or so I assume.

I felt that I owe it to my kids to think about her message and see if this would be an attempt for reconciliation.
But I concluded, that I am slowly becoming myself again. And my kids are much better off, with a happy father who has values and goals, rather than the guy she had changed me into: looking at her phone, checking her messages - all that was very much necessary, but its just not me.
I am better off on my own.


[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:06 AM, January 7th (Monday)]

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