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Different perspective

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Stevesn posted 12/14/2018 23:20 PM

You have held yourself up to a high standard of morals through all of this. You should be proud of yourself.

Some day years from now your children will thank you for being there when their mom fell apart.

NoOptTo posted 12/15/2018 07:23 AM

Document her behavior. That she was hung over. Document when is late picking up n dropping off the kids. Document any behavior out of the norm. Treat it like business transactions. In the future, if her behaviors worsen, you will have the proof you need to produce to the court to gain more custody of your children.

Atg100 posted 12/15/2018 14:10 PM

Thank you very much.
I feel as if a massive stomach ulcer had suddenly healed overnight.
I will document everything she does, but for now I will concentrate on only good things and positive energy.
I will let my lawyer do the formal side of things, he is very good. My stbxw is still sorting out her new apartment, she hadn't even have time to look for legal assistance.
My 4 year old cried a lot last night.She wants her mum back.
And she doesn't want to leave our house.
I absolutely made the right choice in staying...
I called my wife so that she could do facetime with my daughter and that helped.
I caught a glimpse of her new place - its as shitty as she deserves. But I left my daughter to talk to her on her own and left the room.
I will be very fair, when it comes to access to the kids, I expect the same in return.

Marz posted 12/15/2018 14:18 PM

You'll be fine. It won't be a picnic but you will be ok.

Strict no contact will get you there quicker

[This message edited by Marz at 5:52 AM, December 20th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 12/15/2018 14:23 PM

Yes I am learning about the no contact.
As per her request I sent her a few photos of the kids at the skate park.
She immediately texted back, stating how much she loves them. I get it, she must have been devastated leaving them behind yesterday , and I certainly won't use access to the kids as a power thing. That can only be bad.
However, I will email photos only, that avoids this immediate response.
And I will be happy with emailed photos as well, text messages can hit you so unprepared.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:25 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 12/15/2018 15:24 PM

I'm glad you're finally feeling some relief and looks like the healing process has begun (it will take some time), OTH I suggest you don't engage in this photo exchange/we're good friends thing, face time for the kids will be good while they adjust to their new reality and you handled it well by leaving the room, but in the future she would need to respect your time with them.

I can't remember if you already addressed this but has she agreed to not bring OM(s) to her new apartment until she's engaged or married again ? remember this is the same woman that went very quickly from being "sad/devastated" to the one putting condoms in her bag right in you face (btw what was her reaction to your comment about that?), so it wouldn't hurt to see if she would agree to this, the last thing your children need right now is your WW bringing the guy who helped destroyed the M or any future fling and expose your children to him, to at least give the children some time to adjust and not add to the trauma.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:27 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Atg100 posted 12/15/2018 16:20 PM

My reaction to the condome packing incident was that I told her that she was an awful person who lacks any kind of respect.
That hit home and she was sad for about 10 minutes or so.
I also told her mum and dad about it.
They called me to ask me to give it time and wait for the sake of the children.
Donít get me wrong, I like these people and I understand that they are on the other side of Australia, feeling helpless.
They asked my wife if they could come over for Christmas to be there for the children. And they were told not to come.
I told them about the condoms and asked ď if the situation would be in reverse, would you tell your daughter to wait for me?Ē They agreed that this was very offensive behaviour .

Email photos of the kids - yes I will do that , because I want to receive those photos . Friendly text messages ? No , thatís not going to happen.
Can I ask her not let the POSOM in the house whilst the kids are there ?
No, itís her life and knowing her she would do it on purpose to upset me anyway. Additionally she has not stuck to any agreement , always lied to me and always came up with the most hurtful action possible anyway.
Thatís not going to change .

AFL1000 posted 12/15/2018 17:07 PM


At least you are being the responsible adult allowing FaceTime when your daughter needed it and the exchange of photos of the kids.

Why not try this strategy with you wife. "Mrs ATG while we are separated I agree to not introduce a potential new partner/companion to the kids or to have them in the house when the kids are there if you agree not to let POSOM have contact or let him into the apartment when the kids are with you."

While I know your integrity would be to protect the kids at all cost it just might sow sufficient doubt in her mind to think about bringing the kids in contact with the POSOM. As she has robbed you of love and intimacy for 12 months, but she has got hers with her AP, does she really expect you to continue your life this way. It will be a definite jolt to her when you find someone with who you want to share your life.

This sends the message that in time she is totally replaceable.

Why is she not allowing her parents to come see the kids at Christmas...that they will see her crappy second-hand furnished apartment. Look Mum and Dad what I gave up to be with my POSOM. Aren't you so proud of me!!!!

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 12:52 AM, December 16th (Sunday)]

NoOptTo posted 12/15/2018 17:30 PM

I agree, all communication be via email. No need for surprises. Do not feel as if you ever have to respond back immediately. It also adds to your documentation of her behavior if things go south.

Atg100 posted 12/17/2018 04:10 AM

The weekend with the kids was pretty tough.
I organised a play date with some friends yesterday ; I wanted them to see that everything remains normal.
It was a good distraction , but in the evening both of them cried, which made me sad - I cried , and that made everything worse.
This morning when my stbxw came to pick them up, my boy hugged me and held on to me ď I want to stay with daddy!Ē
That was pretty awful.
So I was pleased to see them tonight on FaceTime - they actually had a pretty good day and were happy.
Hopefully for them we get into some kind of a routine.

And myself? I went to the gym right after work, spend as much time there as I wanted. Came home , cooked a favourite meal and watched a movie I enjoy.
It doesnít beat family life with the kids, but actually not too bad for a Monday.

AFL1000 posted 12/17/2018 04:37 AM


I was just about to do a checkin to see how things had gone over the weekend and how the handover went today when you posted.

It will be tough for a bit until the kids settle into a routine, not to mention your own emotions. Thank goodness for Facetime whatever else we may think of Apple! Separation anxiety especially by your son hopefully will lessen as the routine is established.

What was your STBXW attitude when she came to pick up the kids and your son wanted to stay with you? How was her attitude towards you? Hopefully you kept communication to the bare minimum as others have recommended and only about the kids and arrangements for when you have them next.

Glad you did things you enjoy. When my friend separated from his wife he pulled out all his heavy metal albums, which his wife was not a fan of, and ramped up the volume and rocked the house. Hopefully you can also find hobbies or interests that you love and have neglected as you worked through the shit sandwich dished up by your STBXW.

What are arrangements for co-parenting?

You're doing great ATG. We're here when you need us.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 4:48 AM, December 17th (Monday)]

paboy posted 12/19/2018 12:57 PM

We are not to far out from Christmas. Starting your own Christmas traditions with the children maybe something you may want to consider.
I know on the Gold Coast we do the Christmas lights house tours, and Im sure that Brisee must have some good ones.
Also we visit 3 to 4 older people we know and sing carols to them. I see your on call starting tomorrow but give this a thought. A new beginning and new memories for the kids.

Have a merry Christmas, and next year is going to really be great to look forward to.

AFL1000 posted 12/19/2018 15:34 PM


As another of the Aussie contingent on SI I support paboy's view of using the Christmas and New Year to create new memories and traditions for you and the kids.

As this has been your first full working week of separation and co-parenting hopefully things have gone smoothly and without too much drama.

How have you and the kids coped with the new co-parenting arrangements?

Did your wife ever keep her psychiatrist and counselling appointments and what is her attitude/demeanour to you now that separation, being a half-time Mum and looming divorce is her new reality?

I also recall that you said today was the day for meeting with your lawyer to prepare the formal separation/divorce documents so that is another thing you can cross off your pre-Christmas list.

For those of us who have been taking this journey with you on SI I wish you and the kids a Merry Christmas and my best wishes for a new future.

Atg100 posted 12/20/2018 04:28 AM

Thanks guys.
My wife went to the psychiatrist who felt that in the current situation it was unwise to change the antidepressant medications.
My first week of co-parenting was ok. Handover was a matter of minutes.
The days when I have the kids are rewarding , the days without them actually give me time to reflect and think about all of it.
I have found some calmness , but Iím not there yet.
But I manage to distance myself and find some self respect again. I have waves of sadness and missing her - but I realise I miss something which hasnít existed for a year.
Itís a pretty tough challenge and Iím sure bad times will come - but Iím ready.
I saw my lawyer today - we will send a legal letter to her after the holidays .
Christmas will be tough.
The kids will sleep at my house , Santa knows that this is their home. My wife will come in the morning, we will open presents and I will go to work. She will have them until the 27th.
Iím invited at a friendís house for dinner on Christmas Day .

I will fly to Bali with the kids on the 28th, that will be the time when I can create memories .

AFL1000 posted 12/20/2018 05:27 AM


I assume from your post your wife talked to you about the meeting with the psychiatrist and the decision to not modify her AD meds. Was she upfront with her psychiatrist about the formal separation and pending divorce so he could make an informed decision about her ongoing treatment?

It's good that you are keeping communication at the handover to a bare minimum as advised by SI members but has she tried to engage you in general conversation. In other words is she trying to maintain "but we can still be friends" line.

Have you thought about how you are going to handle her returning to the house Christmas morning? If you are trying to distance yourself perhaps you should set some ground rules and make it abundantly clear that she is there at your gracious invitation and only for the kids sake so you can both enjoy the kids unwrapping their presents. No other matters will be discussed until she receives the formal letter from your lawyer.

Proud of how you are handling all this ATG.

Atg100 posted 12/20/2018 07:01 AM

Look, the truth is, Iím doing ok until one of these waves of sadness and false hope hit me .
And they hurt .
An hour later Iím ok again.

AFL1000 posted 12/20/2018 07:23 AM

Your emotional roller coaster is to be expected given what you are going through with the separation and all. I am sorry if inadvertently my questions triggered you.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:24 AM, December 20th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 12/20/2018 08:57 AM

I agree with AFL1000, the roller coaster of emotions will be there for quite some time, pretty normal, however time heals and it should eventually become less frequent and fade.

You WILL regain your self respect again, as a matter of fact you may not realize it now but you have already started regaining it by taking decisive action to get you out limbo. BTW how's your wife handling the whole situation ? how is she processing her new reality ?

You're handling this like a champ, enjoy the Christmas party and have a toast with your friends for better things to come in 2019 and the future in general.

steadychevy posted 12/20/2018 17:14 PM

As others said, what you're going through emotionally is perfectly normal. In fact, I think you're ahead of the game if you're okay in an hour. Took me a lot longer than that in the beginning.

Wishing you and your children a very enjoyable trip to Bali.

Stevesn posted 12/21/2018 04:07 AM


I was wondering. Is there any way for you to get a message to the psychiatrist that you fear it is actually the meds themselves that are causing her to detach from you.

Perhaps schedule your own appointment with him to discuss.

I know there are privacy concerns but there has got to be a way for that discussion to occur.

Iím not saying I have high hopes that a change in meds will save your marriage, but if down the road they finally did change them, Iíd hate for her to come out of this fog months or years after D and wonder what the hell happened to her family.

I donít trust that she conveyed anything to the Dr about a fear that her meds are causing her to destroy her relationship with you and subsequently her family.

Just a thought. Still here for you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:08 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

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