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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 12/12/2018 21:04 PM

Hi AFL and Buster,

Just a quick check in.
My wife gave me even stronger confirmation that I am doing the right thing.
On Tuesday night, she packed a packet of condoms into her toiletry bag - right in front of my eyes.
I said - " Don't you think that this is maybe a touch insensitive? Couldn't you have just bought some next time you are at the super market?".
Believe it or not - It hadn't occurred to her that I may find such actions hurtful.
There are a number of explanations:
1) She is really stupid
2) She wants to play a power game, as she clearly knows that this would be painful for me to watch
3) She wants to make sure that I really hate her, to never attempt to get her back.

I am tired of interpreting what she does.

I am friendly and make plans in writing about kids and divorce settlement.
She has signed a rental contract and will move out on Saturday. We will tell the kids in the morning, I will take them to the beach or playground whilst she moves her stuff out.
I will have the kids with me for the weekend, she will pick them up on Monday morning.
We made some plans for Christmas = Gifts will be at my house, as Santa knows that the kids are living here... I will then have to go to work and the kids will stay with her until the 27th.
Then we will fly to Bali on the 28th.

Bizarrely, she still expects us to be friends once we are separated, even after the latest slap in my face.
I am just looking forward to having her out of my house. We agreed that she can daily "facetime" the kids whilst we are in Bali; its the best for the children, but it would have been nice , to not even have anything remotely to do with her for that time.

Ripped62 posted 12/12/2018 21:27 PM

It is highly likely that she is and has been in a sexual relationship with the other man for sometime. She will be telling him and her friends what she did to you in order to demonstrate that she is his. She is using the separation to cement her relationship with him by utilizing sex.

Her actions reflect how caught up in the affair she is and her values and integrity now.

There is also a type of sadistic pleasure a wayward spouse derives from abusing their spouse in this fashion. I have had others describe such antics before.

Sometimes a wayward spouse when divorcing will attempt to provoke the betrayed spouse so that they can file an assault charge or get a restraining order against them.

Please keep a VAR on you at all times and do not engage in such nonsense.

Move forward with the divorce while protecting your and your children's wellbeing. Do not get involved in such drama.

Read up and implement a hard 180 or similar detachment technique to gain space for yourself. Only talk to her about kids and finances.

I am sorry you have to put up with the pain her behavior causes. Your decision to divorce has put a finite time period on her ability to cause you harm.

My thoughts are with you and your children during this difficult time period.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:37 PM, December 12th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 12/13/2018 02:13 AM

Thank you,
I donít need to read the 180 anymore, I have done that.

I am a specialist physician, a leader and a father.
The way I am behaving now, is to set an example for my son and daughter.
I will not react to these awful provocations and lower myself to her level.
Everything I am doing now, is with my childrenís well-being at heart.
So as much as I would have loved to throw her out after the latest insult, I will not give her any material against me in a possible family court hearing.
I will however keep those examples of her behaviour on file, so if it ever comes to a character assessment by a court , I have my case secured.
That is a priority .
I have also found my resolve again, and will not allow that woman determine how I behave

AFL1000 posted 12/13/2018 03:24 AM


Well given the condom episode it looks like her true nature is revealed and that she really is clueless and insensitive as you say. Not to mention spiteful and vindictive; probably as a consequence of you taking decisive action and telling her to leave. As you have nothing to lose now demand the truth about her sexual history with POSOM and the stipulation that he is not to come to the apartment when the kids are there. Get it written into the separation agreement and have enforceable actions if she breaches it.

I cannot recall which one of the members said it but they made the point about changes in her behaviour that may indicate she may not go peacefully into separation and divorce, especially if POSOM is coaching her.

How soon will she be served with the legal separation agreement.

It's you and the kids now. Surround yourself with family and friends and don't feel any obligation to not tell them about her crappy actions.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 3:31 AM, December 13th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 12/13/2018 03:30 AM

Iím meeting my lawyer on the 20th of December.
We tried to book a mediation session with relationships Australia - they are booked out until March.
My wife so far has not seen a lawyer and also not thought at all about the financial side.
I think she is still learning about reality.
Thatís ok - she will be gone in less than 48 hours .
Who is counting ?

AFL1000 posted 12/13/2018 03:39 AM

Also tell her that you will not in any way be helping with the move on Saturday and she better not have the POSOM helping her by coming onto the property as you will be in your legal right to have him charged with trespass!!!!

And did you have an agreement as to what she can and cannot remove. At the time of my friend's separation from his WW they had an written agreement of what she could take with her but if she breached that he made it clear that he would have her charged with theft. Harsh maybe but she only took what was agreed to.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 3:48 AM, December 13th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 12/13/2018 04:00 AM

I will help her :
By looking after our kids and driving away with them from home to spare them having to watch their mother moving out.
She will hardly take anything of our furniture. She could take whatever she wants; I donít care. Iíd buy something new which wouldnít remind me of her.
She got a lot of second hand furniture from friends , I only enquired about stuff for the kids.
The POSOM is not allowed in my house , and I will get the locks changed on Monday .

AFL1000 posted 12/13/2018 18:51 PM

Hey mate

Just wanted to say hope tomorrow is drama free for you when your wife moves out and into her new apartment.

How did the discussion go with the kids about Mum and Dad living in different places?

How have your family and friends reacted to the news of the separation? I would be ensuring that any of your mutual friends or work colleagues who knew about your wife's affair or directly or indirectly aided and abetted the coverup be removed from your Christmas card list. They are not your friends anymore.

To draw on a well known catchphrase and punchline we await the words "Mrs ATG has left the building".

Atg100 posted 12/13/2018 20:21 PM

She will move tomorrow.
We will tell the kids in the morning .
I have read everything I could about this difficult discussion.
I take it very serious and am well prepared.

The friends who knew about it are not my friends - I think that was maybe part of the problem:
She started working at a hospital on the other end of town and established friendships with all those single women who go out on weekends and have tinder dates.
Enter the POSOM into this mix , he played his cards well.
No, I will not see any of those people again.
The parents of my childrenís friends have all signalled that they want to remain impartial .
Thatís important, I donít want my kids having to change their friends when they are with me.
Wish me strength tomorrow morning

Marz posted 12/14/2018 08:52 AM

My wife gave me even stronger confirmation that I am doing the right thing.
On Tuesday night, she packed a packet of condoms into her toiletry bag - right in front of my eyes.

Stronger???? Nope, it's an absolute. Her affair never ended it was just smoldering.

Hopefully you have put away the hopium pipe. As long as you are expecting her to "get it" you will be in for constant dissapointment.

Just because you have kids together doesn't mean you can't do a hard 180. No phone calls, text or email kids and business only. Zero integration. Using the kids as an excuse to stay in contact with her won't get you anything but a prolonged healing period. It maybe awkward upfront cutting her off but how awkward is her affair in your face? Besides no contact will normalize over time and you will be a lot better off.

Marz posted 12/14/2018 08:54 AM

I would not recommend standing up with her and lying to your kids about the impending divorce.

Tell the the truth in a sanitized way. They aren't stupid and will probably get introduced to her other man shortly.

The truth fixes a lot of things. Keeping them in the dark and lying to them will just increase their anxiety.

Buster123 posted 12/14/2018 08:56 AM

On Tuesday night, she packed a packet of condoms into her toiletry bag - right in front of my eyes.
I said - " Don't you think that this is maybe a touch insensitive? Couldn't you have just bought some next time you are at the super market?".
Believe it or not - It hadn't occurred to her that I may find such actions hurtful.
There are a number of explanations:
1) She is really stupid

Uneffing believable !! what was her response to the condoms episode if any ? and not that it matters much anyway but now that you have undeniable proof of the PA, has she given you more details about the A and apologized to you by engaging in a false R (while having sex with POSOM behind your back)?, I mean if she's now not even hiding the condoms, why hide anything else at all?, her actions tell me she NEVER stopped the A, in light of all this can she
at least have the decency to agree not to take POSOM (or any future OM) to her apartment while your kids are there ? at least until she gets engaged/married again ? and I agree with Marz, you said you want to set an example for your kids so don't cover for your WW and lie to them, tell them the truth in a sanitized say (we're separating because mommy has a boyfriend and his name is POSOM).

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:59 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

AFL1000 posted 12/14/2018 15:32 PM


You do not need us to wish you strength today you are strong.

As difficult and painful as the past 3 months have been you have shown great resolve in taking this action.

While I know there will be some pain today especially in having to tell the kids, you can get through it by dialling up the anger meter a notch or two and reflecting on all the lies and hurtful words and actions she has shown you during this false R.

Surround yourself with family and close friends and move forward with strength and confidence.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 4:16 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

NoOptTo posted 12/14/2018 17:10 PM

Sending you strength for your conversation with the kids. As the others have said. Tell them the truth, mommy made promises to daddy when we were married. Mommy broke those promises by seeing another man. I have to value myself and show you that a tons have consequences. Mommy and daddy are separating and divorcing. We will both live you. You did nothing wrong. It's an adult issue. We will work together to help you grow in a loving two home family unit.

Stevesn posted 12/14/2018 17:13 PM

Thinking of you today ATG.

Atg100 posted 12/14/2018 18:05 PM

We told the kids, I kept it very very basic.
The kids understood , but it hasnít sunk in of course.
I had some age appropriate books ready for my 4 year old ; I think they helped.
It will be a problem tonight at bed time.
Just now we are watching ď the grinch ď and that is a good distraction . We will go to a skate park in the afternoon.

This morning:
I was up early, made breakfast.
I was clean shaven, wore a collared shirt.
My wife was hungover, in pyjamas.
The kids didnít notice of course, but it mattered to me.
My wifeís body language is telling.
I just kept myself very busy , cleaning , doing the laundry .
Now we are in the cinema and when we come home, she will be gone .

AFL1000 posted 12/14/2018 21:21 PM


Glad the discussion with the kids went OK but given their ages it may not truly have an impact until the 50/50 sharing begins. So glad you found some books to help them with this transition.

While you made an effort the fact that she was hungover and still in her pyjamas when you had to break the news to the kids is extremely disappointing.You also mentioned her body language was telling what way?

Was her hangover the consequence of over indulgence in alcohol at home last night or did she go out? Do you think this was her way of coping with what was to happen this morning because it is now all too real and she is out of the family home?

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 9:28 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 12/14/2018 21:35 PM

She went out for ďjust one drink with the local school mums ď
With that group of women, I have made the following observation:
The women who find fulfilment in their family or who are working full time , they donít usually attend those gatherings.
The mums who are going all seem to miss a sense of purpose and they get absolutely pissed whilst sitting together, bitching about their husbands.

Now of course those ladies have all huddled together for her, and of course encouraged drinking .
So she came home at 1am or so.

Her body language today.
Head hanging down, shoulders slumped forward , no eye contact .
That was the last day of our nearly 15 years together .
Any kind of respect gone.

Yesterday before she went out, she wanted to say sorry.
I told her that she gave me a year of pain and ďsorryĒ wonít cut it.
I also told her that I donít want any further discussions, I just want her to leave.

AFL1000 posted 12/14/2018 22:17 PM

So she went out to spend the night with her witches coven instead of spending the last night in the family home with you her husband and partner of 15 years to help prepare for your conversation with your kids.

Beyond selfish.

Marz posted 12/14/2018 22:24 PM

She was probably with her AP.

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