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Different perspective

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Jorge posted 12/5/2018 16:40 PM

After receiving the cash in her bank account she texts ď Iím so incredibly sorry, I hurt you so so much ď

Her conscience knows she screwed you. She's been wanting this conclusion but didn't know how to go about it without hurting you. I know because I was in her shoes in a sense and recognize the mixed signals. Her heart is elsewhere. I was cheated on, but couldn't find the courage to tell my wayward fiance' I no longer wanted her after she cheated.

I ended up meeting someone (current wife), but couldn't come straight with my x-fiance who pursued me for 1.5 years because I couldn't stand to hurt her with a final separation, even though she cheated on me.

I was hoping she would get the message of me rejecting EVERYTHING she would suggest, but it didn't work until it got ugly.I had to call the cops on her for harassing my wife. I know what avoidance and 'hoping everything just goes away' look like and your wife was acting it out to a tee. It never works.

When I read your post realizing that she simply doesn't want you, I breathed a sigh of relief because you saw what I (and many others) realized a while back. She didn't want you and didn't know how to go about it, hence her apologies are empty ones that are more driven by relief than anything. Hope you hard ball the divorce though.

Atg100 posted 12/5/2018 17:07 PM

Donít worry , I havenít send her more money than suggested by my lawyer.
And he said exactly the same :
Make her an offer whilst she feels guilty ...

This apology was an empty one , Iím fully aware of it.

I am keeping the house, so light bulbs will be changed.
Pictures will be taken down and replaced .
The house will look spotless .
A lot of useless rubbish will be thrown out.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:08 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

AFL1000 posted 12/5/2018 17:30 PM

A lot of useless rubbish will be thrown out.
...including the soon to be ex Mrs ATG. Sorry I just couldn't resist that one.

I agree with Buster and Jorge's comments the sooner you get that separation agreement signed, sealed and delivered the better it will be to protect you and your kids future. Would not be in the least surprised to learn that POSOM is whispering in her ear about seeking additional money/assets from Mr Nice Guy.

Just a thought you have provided information on SI that might be used by her in the separation/ divorce settlement if she came across this site. Have you taken all measures to protect yourself from her or POSOM from every knowing you came to SI for advice and support.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 5:31 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 12/5/2018 17:58 PM

She doesnít know about this website.
And yes , I was thinking the same thing when I was talking about the rubbish

[This message edited by Atg100 at 6:06 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 12/5/2018 19:02 PM

Excellent, I can sense you've got this now, your mind seems much more clear now despite the trauma you've been put through, that tells me you'll come out much stronger eventually, remember she may seem apologetic now but she could turn on a dime and decide to go for the jugular (we see it very often here), I agree with AFL1000 that POSOM may be coaching her or start doing it at some point (very common too), play it civil as long as it remains so and keep the EXPOSURE to HR card close to your chest, be prepared.

Stevesn posted 12/5/2018 23:21 PM


Unless sheís begging to come back and trying for reconciliation I suggest you tell her you no longer need her to tell you sheís sorry.

WW; Iím so sorry for the pain Iíve caused
ATG: yeah I know, you told me, youíre sorry you hurt me but youíre still not in love with me. Message received.

Otherwise these hollow apologies will just keep coming at you like daggers.

Iím sorry it has Come to this.

Atg100 posted 12/5/2018 23:52 PM

She wonít be begging and I wouldnít agree to anything anyway.
Appointments with lawyers, accountants and psychologists are made.
I drafted a calendar for the co-parenting.
I am actively looking for nannies and au pairs to help me out.
I have switched into business mode now.
Once Iím here , I can be incredibly efficient .

AFL1000 posted 12/6/2018 04:55 AM

ATG Your adoption of 'business mode' is an excellent approach. It gets you to focus on the practicalities of the separation as well as continuing to emotionally distance yourself from your wife.

Given the reality that separation is imminent, how has your wife reacted? Has she shown any emotion at all since you told her she had to leave? Has she shown sadness, anger or just quiet resignation?

You mentioned that one of your actions was removing and replacing pictures.

A few days after my close friend discovered his wife's infidelity he methodically went through the house and removed all the marriage photos. He then bundled them together with a copy of their marriage certificate and tied them all together with symbolic black ribbon and put it on their bed (he had moved into the spare bedroom). When she returned from work that night she noticed the hooks where the framed photos had been removed (and there was quite a number) and the bundle, with their wedding album, on the bed.

For him his silent protest spoke volumes about how he was feeling about her betrayal. She said nothing but that night as he passed the bedroom which was slightly ajar he saw her hugging the photos and crying. At least his wife showed some emotional response to the devastation she had brought to the marriage. Melodramatic yes but he made his point.

You may wish to make a similar statement that shows that what she has done has caused the death of the marriage.

Atg100 posted 12/6/2018 13:18 PM

Well, she shows some remorse.
We went to my daughterís Kindergarten Christmas singalong.
My wife left in the middle of the show to cry outside.
ď this is all my fault ď she said.
I just said that some distance will do both of us good and we can move on.
I didnít comment on ď fault ďĎor said much else.
It is really beyond that now .

AFL1000 posted 12/6/2018 16:30 PM

Yes I am sure she was caught up in the emotion at your daughter's Kindergarten Christmas singalong. But how many times can she tell you 'I'm sorry I hurt you's all my fault'.

If she really had remorse for the betrayal she would be making the grand gestures a WW needs to make to her BS that other SI members have spoken about and working her butt off to repair the damage. She has had every opportunity since Dday to do this and she has not.

Hold your course you know in your heart its the right thing to do for you.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 4:35 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

Stevesn posted 12/6/2018 16:39 PM

Wise words AFL. I totally agree.

For those who are not Wayward itís impossible to understand what someone like ATGís thinks she is missing to destroy her family in this way.

Thinking of you ATG.

Marz posted 12/6/2018 16:50 PM

The holidays can bring on some nostalgic feelings but they are fleeting at best.

nekonamida posted 12/6/2018 19:13 PM

Well, she shows some remorse.
We went to my daughterís Kindergarten Christmas singalong.
My wife left in the middle of the show to cry outside.
ď this is all my fault ď she said.
I just said that some distance will do both of us good and we can move on.
I didnít comment on ď fault ďĎor said much else.

This is regret at its finest - all about the consequences she's facing and yet zero actions to right her wrongs. AFL is exactly right. Remorse is consistent actions over time focused on the BS's healing. This is a proper pity party.

ATG, you're doing amazing. I think your gut was spot on to pursue a D. I have seen dozens of situations on SI and other similar sites where the WS has a prolonged spout of not committing to R or D post DDay and just about every single one of them ended with D. Usually initiated by the WS! Nothing was waiting for you but more pain if you continued while she waffled about. You filing wasn't even a blip on her radar despite being an obvious conclusion to her behavior. How selfish is she to expect you to wait around or get back together with her later? Clueless!

Atg100 posted 12/6/2018 19:33 PM

I am not sure if I am doing amazing.
It's quite tough, because it involves the children.
I think I will be less sad, once I can actually see that they are ok.
Some good news: Hopefully I found a nanny for the days when I will have the kids for pick up and drop off. My STBXW will hopefully agree to use the same nanny on the days when she has the kids.
I sent my STBXW a excel calendar two days ago, showing how we should split the time with kids. I included my on-call shifts and all holidays.
It roughly works out 50:50 , some months I may see them a little more (days, not weeks) , but the pendulum would return the next month and she would see them more.
So far she hasn't looked or commented on it.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:35 PM, December 6th (Thursday)]

toby posted 12/6/2018 20:19 PM

So far she hasn't looked or commented on it.

Hard to comment, with her stuffing her mouth with as much cake as she can before the bakery closes for good!!

AFL1000 posted 12/6/2018 22:27 PM


I am sure you are being well advised by your lawyer on the co-parenting plan but a good resource is Relationships Australia, a government-funded, community-based, not for profit relationships support agency that provides a Parenting Plan Checklist, the Share the Care Parenting Plan: Collaborative parenting apart and What about the children. These resources have lots of info on areas that can be overlooked when preparing your own DIY plan.

Note: Mods these are government-approved, community resources freely available online to anyone who has to co-parent children as the result of separation or divorce.

Atg100 posted 12/6/2018 23:12 PM

Thanks so much ; this is a great resource !

Atg100 posted 12/7/2018 12:40 PM

She went out to the work Christmas party.
The POSOM was there. I found out as I monitored her texts.
I gave away my source , that doesnít really matter now.
She claims that she didnít talk to him and that she only lied about it to stop me from overreacting.
I asked her to leave as soon as possible ; if she canít find a long term apartment, an Airbnb short term tenancy will give her the time and space to find something suitable.
I donít think that is overreacting ; I think that is very reasonable response .

steadychevy posted 12/7/2018 12:59 PM

More evidence that she really doesn't get it. More evidence that you're doing the best thing for you and probably your children. Best wishes to you. I hope, for you, she's out very soon.

Atg100 posted 12/7/2018 15:43 PM

This morning I am just numb.
I enjoy those days - it doesnít hurt and there is a little bit of clarity.
But like so many other members here, I am eating a shit sandwich I didnít order - and am just finding out that it came with a free roller coaster ticket as well.

Mentally I am preparing myself for a pretty ordinary Christmas:
I am on call this year from the 21 to the 26th of December.
The kids will have to be with their mother.
All my colleagues also have young kids and we take Easter and Christmas in turns. This year it is me.

There is a price in the end, to works towards to:
A villa in Bali for 2 weeks, all meals prepared, all laundry washed , there is a kids club everyday.
This is not usually my type of holiday; I prefer camping.
But right now it looks like paradise.

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