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Different perspective

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Unbroken78 posted 11/29/2018 16:52 PM

If I may, you seem like a very kind hearted and gentle man. That man isn't who is needed right now. There are times when a soft handed loving man is needed...and there are times when a hard hearted leader is required. Now is the time for a stoic, emotionless, decision maker.

You are descended from hundreds of generations of evolutionary who conquered, fought, sailed, defended, and built the world you live in. You are their son. They lived those hard and brutal lives to get you here. They didn't do yoga or stew on emotions. They hardened their heart and made the decisions that needed to be made.

You have that same fire inside you. Unleash it. Turn off the heart and turn on the man. Burn her world to the ground.

Your WW is not your friend. She is not on your team. She does not have your future in mind or your best interests.

Accepting that reality is real is your first step to beating this. Reality doesn't care about your feelings. Nobody is coming to save you and what happens for you is going to be decided by you, implemented by you, and made to you. You own you. Nobody else.

There is a point in life, where a man has to do hard things. It hurts. That pain is your friend. It is telling you that you are getting there...just like in the Gym. Pain makes strong. Embrace the pain. Welcome it. Love it. Be thankful for it. And laugh with it. Laugh at it and ask if that's all it has...because that pain is nothing compared to the pain your ancestors lived with daily. Laugh at how insignificant this actually is, compared to the experiences of the people that got you here.

In the end, know one thing- Reality is real and it will pick winners and losers. You get to decide which you will be. Make it happen.

Win. It's within your power, if you chose to make it happen.

You are a good man. Be the man the situation requires.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Unbroken78 at 12:49 AM, November 30th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 11/29/2018 17:28 PM

Thank you for the strong motivation .
Yes it is a battle - but I have already won the battle for my sanity and taken control.
I have got a very good lawyer who looks out for me.
But you are correct - I have been the victim of her infedilty and immaturity .
Time to focus on me and the kids .

AFL1000 posted 11/29/2018 18:24 PM

ATG I know you have a thousand things on your mind at the moment but did you send a message to your counsellor that you have now told your wife to leave and you are proceeding with separation. She may offer advice that may help you having worked with couples who have taken this route.

Also I can't emphasise enough for you to continue your exercise program. In fact this may be the time to ramp it up. I find working out on the boxing heavy bag in the gym very therapeutic if I need to get out work frustrations.

It appears also from your post that she in playing the blame shifting game and re-writing the marital history so amongst your family, friends and peer group please make sure they know the real reason for the end of the relationship ...she cheated. I was willing to put in all efforts to work through this; she wasn't.

So as all the posters have said it is now about you and how to co-parent in the best interests of the kids.

toby posted 11/29/2018 18:29 PM

But you are correct - I have been the victim of her infedilty and immaturity .
Time to focus on me and the kids .

Good for you!
Now do the right thing, and let the other betrayed spouse know!!
And yes, Iíve read why you havenít done so already.......doesnít change a thing.

Buster123 posted 11/29/2018 20:50 PM

Yes, inform OBS, and like others have said, don't let her rewrite the M history, make sure you EXPOSE her A to the world, don't let her introduce POSOM to the children, family and friends as someone she just met after breaking up with you. You may use the threat to expose her and POSOM to HR as leverage in the D, once you settle and everything is final you can do whatever you want, remember she's not your friend now, even if she shows sadness now, when that wears off and she talks to her lawyer she may try to go for the jugular (yes we've seen it here many times and even from the most remorseful spouses), so don't give anything away and use everything for negotiation.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:51 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 11/30/2018 02:34 AM

I donít have any evidence that they are still in contact.
So I wonít contact the other spouse.
No one believes her excuse that our marriage was broken prior to the affair.

Anyway, I need to focus on myself and the kids.
My wife texted me that everything is ď so real ď all of a sudden.
I didnít reply .

NoOptTo posted 11/30/2018 03:24 AM

Having consequences to ones actions have a funny thing happen.... reality. Your WW is now starting to see and feel the ramifications of her actions. I'm glad you didnt reply to her. Continue detaching. Work on you and the kids. She has to figure out this herself, that means finding her own place to live also. Reality bites when you hurt the ones your supposed to love.

Buster123 posted 11/30/2018 07:45 AM

The fact that you don't have any evidence that they're still in contact doesn't mean that they're not (I bet they still are) or that they won't resume having contact in the near future, these are APs that managed to keep it secret for a long time so they're good at it, I mean they work together so it's not really that difficult, especially now that you decided to pull the plug and she's free to do what she pleases, besides it's the right thing to do, OBS deserves to know the truth about POSOM, wouldn't you want to know ? think about that, moreover if you don't inform OBS you're enabling the A and are now indirectly complicit if you keep their secret, it's a rule of thumb here in SI, please do the right thing, this may not be POSOM's first/last rodeo (or your WW's last A)so OBS could be exposed to STDs. I know you have to focus on the kids now but you can do both things at the same time, all it takes is a simple phone call or text message, that's it you then go back to taking care of the young ones and focusing on you.

OTH, I'm glad you did not text her back, of course everything is "so real" now that you have taken decisive action, I honestly thing you could have had a chance at R had you fully exposed the A when you first discovered it (not that it matters anymore), don't believe her for a second that her "lack of love" didn't have anything to do with POSOM, it did and she was/still is in the fog, you took a somewhat passive approach instead of SHOCK and AWE, don't be surprised if she all of a sudden starts to make promises and asks for a 3rd chance to R and that this time is for real and that she will even quit her job, sometimes it happens when everything becomes "so real", we've seen it here many times but don't hold your breath and keep the D train rolling.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:51 AM, November 30th (Friday)]

Atg100 posted 11/30/2018 09:29 AM

With all due respect to all the good advice you have given me so far:
The only way to get the APs details , would be to breach confidentiality again. I have tried all other methods of finding his address before .
I got away lightly before , because the integrity commission of the health board had empathy with my situation .
I do not have the APs details, neither the detail of the OBS.
The OBS would still have my phone number as I called her - but she never contacted me back.
I will not risk my job or get into other legal problems.
Yes , I would like to know if it would be the other way round . But I exposed them in August, did talk to the OBS.
She never contacted me again, she could have if she wanted to. Please do not ask me again

Buster123 posted 11/30/2018 09:57 AM

I apologize, I forgot about how you got the info in the first place, so if it will jeopardize your job then you're right, not worth it anymore plus I didn't remember you had talked to her back in August and since she didn't call back then that's it, you did your part.

Ripped62 posted 11/30/2018 10:27 AM

If you are divorcing or separating avoid drama concerning your wife and the AP. Please do not engage in the "blowing up" or "outing" antics as some have suggested.

Focus on your children and yourself. Treat the divorce as a business negotiation. The rest is really an irrelevant distraction at this point. I am positive legal counsel in Australia will give you the same advice.

Atg100 posted 11/30/2018 14:40 PM

All good Buster ,
This thread has now 22 pages....
Apart from myself, nobody will remember all the details.

I will remain friendly and polite on the outside ; just as suggested - and also confirmed by my lawyer.
Any personal difference has now the potential to influence how much money I have to pay her or how much access to the children I will get.
I have to be a little bit more tactically clever.

And as much as I love Unbroken78 Ďs post - it really has shaken me in the right way - I will have to be a smiling assassin rather than a horde of Vikings , burning down her world.

She will do the burning herself.

She still hasnít told her mum, who is staying with us.
I went very early to bed yesterday , I am now out with my son and some sports event.
There is ample of time for mother and daughter to have a one on one discussion .
Why lie to the people who love you?

[This message edited by Atg100 at 8:25 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 11/30/2018 19:15 PM

There is ample of time for mother and daughter to have a one on one discussion .
Why lie to the people who love you?

You loved her and she lied to you for a long time, but anyway, I agree, not your monkey, not your circus anymore, so let her mom handle her, tell her the truth if she asks why you decided to D but that's about it, and yes always follow your attorney's advice.

Buster123 posted 12/2/2018 02:31 AM

(((Atg100))) checking on you to see if you're doing a bit better and coming to terms with the D, I don't recall if I mentioned it but you might want to visit the D/S forum here on SI, lots of good advice/support there, coping mechanisms and ideas.

Atg100 posted 12/2/2018 02:52 AM

Thanks Buster,
I am doing ok; much better than before Thursday.
I spent all day with my kids.
My wife went to a rental inspection yesterday.
Today she said weird stuff like
" Maybe we get back together, once I will move out"
" This is all happening because I am an idiot"

I only said" It will be good for both of us once you move out"

I don't give her another chance, only because moving out is hard.

We will tell the kids, once my wife's new place is fitted out and ready to move in.
I don't want to tell them that mum will move out soon and it will then take her 3 weeks to finally go.
But there is an end date to it : The kids and I will fly on a pretty luxurious holiday on the 28th of December in Bali. It was planned when things were still good; by the time we are leaving the kids will know.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 2:55 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

AFL1000 posted 12/2/2018 03:16 AM

Hey ATG was thinking about you over the weekend and was wondering if your wife and MIL had the talk about your impending separation. I hope Mrs ATG showed some courage and told her Mum.

I hope you are letting her do all the heavy lifting with finding an apartment and transitioning to her new lifestyle as a part time Mum.

We all predicted that Mrs ATG would get her reality check when you told her to leave. "This is all happening because I am an idiot". Yes Mrs ATG truer words were never spoken; now you have to deal with consequences of your actions, or more correctly inaction!

Have you and your lawyer agreed on when your wife will be issued with the separation documents?

From your post do I take it that only you and the kids were planning on going to Bali and the trip didn't include your wife. Enjoy that time away.

It is sad that all of this is all happening over the impending Xmas/holiday period.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 3:21 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 12/2/2018 03:49 AM

Yes, the timing could not be worse.
I discussed with my MIL that she and her husband should come over for x-mas and be there for the kids. She is still in shock.
This year, I will be working on all public holidays, the timing of it all is pretty horrendous.

No, my wife will definitely not come with us; this will be a nice family holiday for me and the kids and a new beginning for myself.
I did help my wife a tiny bit ; some friends of mine offered some furniture which they don't need anymore - I passed that message on.
And she was grateful for the offer.
And I would give her my car to transport the stuff as well. But on the day when she finally moves, I will support the kids, not her.

I see my lawyer next on the 13th - but that's ok. He has all the documents he needs from my accountant already and we have a strategy.

Buster123 posted 12/2/2018 09:40 AM

Excellent, looks like you're being civil and handling an awful situation the best you can. Based on her comments, it seems like reality is starting to hit your WW, this will most likely intensify between now and the day she moves out and even afterwards, don't fall for it; yes sometimes people R even after D (we've seen a few cases here and other forums) but those are very rare and far in between, like I said before, this is her M to save now not yours, at this point you should be focused on the kids and on detaching from her, the trip to Bali will be great for you and them. Just out of curiosity, was she honest with MIL and friends about her A and the real reason for the D ? and if so what was her/they reaction to it ? or did she give them a different reason ?

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:41 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Atg100 posted 12/2/2018 16:44 PM

She didnít tell her mum.
Welcome to the twilight zone .

Marz posted 12/2/2018 16:52 PM

She didnít tell her mum.

You couldn't have seriously thought she would did you?

I'm assuming you enlightened her.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:53 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

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