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Different perspective

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AFL1000 posted 11/27/2018 19:17 PM

ATG You say you are doing your part to keep this marriage together and now recognise the magnitude of the task you have embarked upon and the emotional toll it is having on you.

But from your postings it is my observation that Mrs ATG does not have the same level of investment or commitment to the marriage. By my calculations you are at that 90 day milestone that members talk about. Throughout this period your wife has lied about the affair, vacillated between playing happy families and telling you she is unsure if she loves you.

BSs on SI have often stated that they have great difficulty reconciling the image of who their WSs were prior to the affair with who they are now ...cold, indifferent, secretive, uncaring about the feelings of their BS.

You say that you still think that there may be some reward at the end of all of this. Whether that is through reconciliation or the acceptance that separation, even divorce is the only path for you to fully heal from your WW's infidelity is yet to be determined. But this decision has to be yours and the consequences of the latter will then lie squarely at the feet of your wife.

Stay strong and keep swimming. Water has that meditative and calming effect.

Buster123 posted 11/27/2018 20:49 PM

Well, the following answer only makes sense if she truly has not contact with the OM.

Judging by the way your WW has still been acting, and if I had to bet, based on the thousands of stories I've read here and other forums, I would bet my money on that she's still in contact with OM, whether it is OM who initiates contact or not that's another story but it would still be up to her to stop him, I mean if I was having an LTA with a co-worker why would I stop trying to have free sex and/or make out sessions if my AP is still within reach and I'm able to contact her at least a few times a week? the logical answer is of course I wouldn't stop, so to me, since NC is the least likely scenario, it doesn't "make sense" she would not even consider taking a leave of absence in an effort to save her M, unless she's still sitting on the fence and not ready to end her A yet.

I was suggesting she took a leave of absence at least until she saw the psychiatrist, by that time you should have figured out whether you want to still give R a chance (or much closer to making that decision), If you decide to D then she could keep the job and do whatever she wants but if you decide to give R a try, I hope you make it a condition she quits her job immediately (two weeks notice), if there's anything I've learned after reading so much here is that NC FOREVER is paramount for a successful R.

Atg100 posted 11/27/2018 22:08 PM

My wifeís behaviour could be at best described as confused, immature and on the wrong antidepressant.

The alternative is that she is a lying cheat who is waiting for me to kick her out , as she is to cowardish to pull the leaver.

I need to go with the first option, otherwise there is no point in me still hanging around .

Buster123 posted 11/27/2018 23:25 PM

I agree with that assessment, and if I was in your shoes (I would have pulled the plug already) and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt that "the first option" (confused, immature, meds) is what she's going through at this point, I would at least ask her to take that leave of absence for a month or two or at least until she's evaluated by the psychiatrist, I mean if ultimately the desire to R successfully is what you both want to happen it couldn't hurt for her to be completely away from OM at least during this time, that's of course IF R is what she really wants.

Atg100 posted 11/28/2018 03:02 AM

Any time I made any kind of pressure , she withdrew.
She made an IC appointment for 3 days after the psychiatrist .
So there is some action to sort things out.

And work - as long as she avoids the OM - could also be good distraction .
I donít know whatís going on in her head .
But whatever it is will be pretty messed up .

Atg100 posted 11/28/2018 15:02 PM

My wife talked to me this morning.
She actually initiated the conversation:
The way she felt about me changes from week to week. She is sorry for all the pain this caused and she told me that it is constantly on her mind .
I answered that as long as she is uncertain , that I have some energy left to get through this situation .
I also told her that if the OM still plays a role, that this would be a definite reason for me to stop things right now.
She denied that the OM plays a role.
I told her that I realised that I can only be myself and that I am not in any doubt about my feelings.
If she comes to me and wants to try and fix things , then I will give my best.
But if she feels that she is better off without me , then I will find happiness elsewhere .

In ď not just friends ď it says , that uncertainty is still something one can work with.
But I canít fix her

Buster123 posted 11/28/2018 19:52 PM

Intersting convo, could you elaborate a bit more about what SHE had to say when you told her all that, btw has she read/is reading NJF ?.

AFL1000 posted 11/28/2018 19:59 PM

But if she feels that she is better off without me, then I will find happiness elsewhere.

Congrats ATG you cannot be any clearer to Mrs ATG than that.

Yes it's positive that she initiated the conversation and acknowledges she is sorry for all the pain she has caused you but again these are just words what about her actions. Did Mrs ATG finish reading not just friends?

Atg100 posted 11/28/2018 20:46 PM

She has not read any books.
She has carpet swept the whole affair and tells me that the whole problem is due to her lack of love to me.
She actually didnít even say much when I told her black and white of how I feel.
I am a bit tired of interpreting what she says.
Today, she told me she is unsure and confused.
Well, I knew that.
She wanted me to know that she thinks about it all the time .
I would have guessed that too.
So, maybe it was just important to her to apologise to me ?
I canít tell anymore .
Ad it just demonstrated in what a stupid decision I am.
All I could do, is to get a divorce .
It is not in my power at all, to continue the marriage and try to heal.
So, Iím waiting on a decision from a confused person.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 8:51 PM, November 28th (Wednesday)]

Atg100 posted 11/29/2018 03:35 AM

I told my wife to leave.
I canít take the pain anymore .

Itís possibly a good thing that her mum is coming: she can look after the kids on the weekend , whilst we get the technical details right.

I am not feeling any better now that I have made the decision.

NoOptTo posted 11/29/2018 05:58 AM

Hard decisions dont make us feel better. We are often left questioning ourselves. But you stated that your WW is not perusing any actions to help you heal or take responsibility for her actions. She is doing the bare minimum in using words. By being indecisive, is an action in itself. She is all about her.

I'm glad your standing up for your well being. Maybe now that she has consequences for her actions, she may truly start looking inward and see that her life is about to change. Will she find empathy for you, that, only time will tell.

Let MIL know, it's your WW issue to deal with. Not yours. She is in your corner that your WW messed up.

When the time is right, your kids deserve to know in an age appropriate way that mom broke promises that we made together when we got married. These promises are important. Hence why she was asked to leave. Both you and your WW still love you the kids and that will never change. You the kids had no cause in this. It was adult issues. We, as parents will continue to help you grow and learn and show you love. Yet you are to treat your mom with the respect she deserves thi as your mother. I will not tolerate you misbehaving for your mom when your with her. This will show your kids that yes she messed up, actions have consequences, a family can show love even when apart.

Sorry again you even have to travel down this road. But your WW has not shown to be a good candidate for reconciliation for a long while now. Hopefully by having to leave, it will jolt her to be senses and can make a decision finally to seek R or D with you.

Stevesn posted 11/29/2018 06:20 AM

Hi there ATG

Iím glad you decided you donít have to keep putting on the Brave Face and are showing your pain. She deserves to know what this is doing to the man who loves her.

Hopefully in 12 days she will still meet with the Psychiatrist and get her meds changed. But as I mentioned before that wonít be instant relief when she does even if it was part of the issue.

Youíre a good man and sheís doing a bad thing to that good man. Let her know how this is making you feel. If you feel like crying, donít hold it back. If you can describe the pain to her, do so. She doesnít deserve to be handled with kid gloves. Sheís a grown up for gods sake, she needs to face what sheís doing to a good man.

What was her reaction? Did she say anything back? Was there a specific moment that caused you to request she leave? And will she go?

Iím glad you have IC in your future. Of course I wish it were sooner, but at least you start getting that support for you soon. I wish I had suggested it earlier.

Weíre here for you in the meantime and I know you have friends nearby.

Sending you thoughts of strength.

Ripped62 posted 11/29/2018 06:35 AM

It is normal to feel poorly after telling someone you once loved and enjoyed interacting with that you wished to separate because of their infidelity and continued wayward behavior.

You are in a grief cycle for the marriage you once had and for someone you had bonded with.

It gets much better with work and healing on your part.

Please believe nothing she says and only about 50% of her actions. Her behavior is very predictable and in some ways expected. Cognitive dissonance likely will not allow her to go where she must in order to become a safe spouse. Many of us have heard the "I do not love you."

I feel in some ways one's wayward spouse is correct when they utter such nonsense as my definition of love and how love should be shown does not mesh with the ability to betray one's own self and their spouse.

Your wife is probably operating off of oxytocin, dopamine plus other hneurotransmitters and hormones that an affair produces and is ignorant of the high she is chasing. Somehow I feel from your posts this is what she has mistaken for love. She delights in the extra she derives from her infidelity. Perhaps you should look at her similarly to how you would someone with a drug addiction. This may shed light on what is to be expected from her from a behavioral standpoint.

She is very focused on her own needs and selfish desires.

You will heal. Transfer how you value yourself and where you ascertain self worth to inside of you. Give none of it back to her.

Overtime as you detach you will discover you do not love the person your wife is but who you thought she was. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage.

You have taken control back in your life. Do not allow her to have it again unless she becomes a spouse deserving of a relationship with you.

As you go through the grieving process and start to heal you may discover you do not wish to be in a marriage with someone so selfish and entitled as your wayward wife.

One thing to focus on is healing and self improvement so that you are okay with or without her. On this journey you may discover that you do not want or need to be married to someone that can betray you so readily and lacks the character and values necessary to be in a marriage with you.

It may take awhile to fall out of love with your wayward wife. But, she seems to be expediting this process for you.

AFL1000 posted 11/29/2018 06:45 AM

Sorry ATG that it has come to this but it is not unexpected. NoOptTo has eloquently expressed that hard decisions are often not without pain but you have been in emotional pain since DDay. You have given your wife every opportunity to be honest and truthful about the affair and chose counselling as the path to get answers but this has not been forthcoming? Even acknowledging your wife's mental health situation everyone has a breaking point. You reached yours tonight.

What was your wife's reaction when you told her?

Perhaps this action of telling her to leave, that you have reached your breaking point will jolt her into reality and have her truly recognise the consequences of her actions.

I am again sorry for the pain you are going through but you have shown great strength in making this difficult decision.

Please let your close friends know what has happened so you have an immediate support network.

[This message edited by AFL1000 at 7:07 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Buster123 posted 11/29/2018 09:04 AM

I am so sorry it came to this, but I think it was necessary and I pretty much knew it would come to this a while back, and my posts reflect that, I mean a WW who is not forthcoming, has feelings for OM but lacks feelings for you in other words "confused", won't even acknowledge PA after so much time in that relationship, breaking NC, won't quit her job or even get a leave of absence to get away from OM and work on her M, won't read any books, etc., I mean honestly she has not given you much to work with, you've been holding on fueled by "hopium" for quite some time, I'm glad you snapped out of it and took decisive action.

My suggestion is to file for D now, it takes a long time, this is her M to save now, if by any chance she comes around before it's final and ends her A, commits to NC FOREVER with OM, quits her job, shows true remorse, reads the books, continues IC, offers FULL on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords FOREVER and agrees to sign a Post-nup with an infidelity clause in your favor, maybe then and only then should you just CONSIDER stopping the D process and give her the gift of R, or NOT!, if D papers and exposure with family and close friends don't shock her back to reality then nothing will, either way you get out of infidelity, kids will be fine eventually whatever the outcome, be honest with them in a sanitized way and tell the truth to your family and friends.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:17 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

twisted posted 11/29/2018 09:30 AM

So, Iím waiting on a decision from a confused person.

I've said this before.
Not giving you an answer, is an answer. If it takes more than 5 seconds for her to make up her mind, she's given you an answer. You aren't important enough.
It's really that simple.

Atg100 posted 11/29/2018 12:22 PM

My wifeís reaction was that of acceptance and sadness.
She said that the affair was not the reason ; she had lost her love for me a long time before and the affair was only the catalyst.
She said we both had been unhappy in our marriage which is something I questioned - I told her that I thought we had ups and downs - but I never doubted my love or commitment.
It sounded all like an answer to me which she prepared in her head to justify the affair , so that she could tell her friends
ď we were both unhappy and thatís how it happened ď
I told her my interpretation - she didnít say anything .
We agreed that she will move out once she has found an apartment suitable for the kids .
I emailed my divorce lawyer who will set things in motion.

imwideawake posted 11/29/2018 12:31 PM

I'm sorry it's come to this. Hang in there. It eventually gets better.

NoOptTo posted 11/29/2018 14:06 PM

Yes, she had to justify her AFFAIR in her head so to rationalize her bad behavior. Now she will tell this false story to your combined friends to save face. It's up to you if you will let her or get in front of it and let them the friends know the truth before she can lie to them. We all have our ups and downs. She choose to be selfish and use this line an exit affair without letting you know. She has to live with that. Let your MIL know everything your comfortable telling her. Your WW is not your problem anymore. She choose to fire you as her confidant and care taker. She can deal with her mom's behavior. That's not your problem.

Make sure you continually tell your kids you love them and they had nothing to do with this. Kids have an uncanny way of thinking if I behaved this way or that, this wouldn't of happened. They need constant affirmation that they are loved and it wasnt their fault that the family is split up now.
Be the strength for your kids. Show them love, respect, empathy, compassion, strength, fortitude, etc. Show them what they should aspire to be as an adult.

I know it sucks. It's been many years since I been there. You will ride the rollercoaster of emotions. Feel the pain. Know you choose your values over a disrespectful person. Slowly you will heal. You will find happiness in yourself. In your children. And finally in someone else who will hopefully find the same in you. I send you my prayers through this time. Keep to your values. Show your kids that you value yourself worth.

Atg100 posted 11/29/2018 15:49 PM

A while ago, my yoga teacher said: ď you need to put all this bad energy behind you now and come to peace with the mother of your children. ď
I am not yet at peace with her , but hopefully I will be at one day.
The children are the priority now.

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