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Different perspective

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Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 04:26 AM

Another bizarre conversation, initiated by my wife :
“ I will never see that person again”
I answered that she is free to see whoever she wanted and how liberating it was for me not to worry about this anymore.
“ maybe I’m too selfish “
I couldn’t say anything to that.
I said we need to focus on the children and make them our priorities. I stated that we put our own differences now aside and make sure that the kids are well.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:33 AM, October 11th (Thursday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/11/2018 05:24 AM

Those are classic wayward comments, the kind of comments waywards make while they are still in wayward-land. Under the 180, the appropriate response to "maybe I'm just selfish" is crickets. Or, at the most, "I understand how you might feel that."

Stevesn posted 10/11/2018 08:04 AM

It’s unfortunate that she just doesn’t get it. Just doesn’t see the good man in front of her. Thinks there are greener pastures elsewhere. She’ll suffer for this in her own mind later in life. She may find remorse, but perhaps too late.

Enjoy the hike this weekend.

When will she receive the letter from the lawyer?

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 15:21 PM

The meeting with the lawyer is this morning, so hopefully early next week.

Robert22205https posted 10/11/2018 18:40 PM

You are on your way out of infidelity. Stick to your plan.

From her behavior, you are your wife's plan b .... if the OM doesn't come through for her then she will continue reaching out trying to pull you back into her web of lies.

Be strong.

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 19:07 PM

Thank you .

I met with the divorce lawyer. He gave me good advice and essentially I now know what I need to move out.
He suggested that she should move out, rather than me.
I think that may be too disruptive for the children - my wife only works two days a week and is looking after our youngest daughter on the non childcare days.
I have to think about it.

I took note of how much of my assets she is entitled to.
I realise that the law is what guides the process and that this is free of any morals.
But the feeling to get cleaned up by her who cheated on me is not a nice one. I will remain focussed on facts .
He will crunch some numbers with my accountant for an out of court settlement .

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 20:57 PM

“There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.”
Yamamoto, The Hagakure

Marz posted 10/11/2018 21:12 PM

Clarity is coming to you.

Not sure you are 100% but good progress.

Keep moving forward

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 21:17 PM

I have 100% clarity and that is a good thing.
I am not well and cry uncontrollably when given a chance, haven’t slept and have lost 4 kgs this week.
But that’s all normal .
I will go to yoga tonight, meet a friend for a beer tomorrow night and do the hike on Sunday.
All this will become better

Stevesn posted 10/11/2018 22:54 PM

Ask your Dr for a sleep aid. Perhaps something natural like melatonin.

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 23:03 PM

Well, I am a doctor myself.
It doesn't look good if you self prescribe sedatives so I got a colleague to give me script.
Most of the sedatives mainly help to achieve sleep onset, most don't allow you to maintain sleep. So I get 2 hours.
I get bad hang-over like effect from benzodiazepines and whilst I can sleep at night, I feel completely worn out the next day.
So - here I am western medicine and all stating : The best thing for me is usually yoga... Stops the mind movie. I am looking forward to my class tonight.

AFL1000 posted 10/11/2018 23:20 PM

Hi ATG
Fellow Aussie here. Sorry you find yourself here. My username is in deference to our unique Australian football code! In 2017 a close friend was dealing with his wife’s infidelity and we came to SI. We read all the different forums and the stories by BSs and WWs. It gave him a focus and clarity to move forward out of infidelity. The 180 was the great breakthrough. It changed the power dynamics in the relationship for him and forced her to face some very hard truths about herself; they are still together and working on reconciliation but it’s still a work in progress after 13 months from the initial DDay. The outcome is still uncertain but hopeful.
Other members are providing you with sound advice based on their own experiences with infidelity but please let me make a few observations. I respect greatly your self-reporting of the privacy issue ...that goes to the strength of your character.
I am pleased you disclosed the affair to your MIL and FIL; there are many members on SI who advocate exposing the affair to family and friends. I recognise why you are reluctant to do so with your elderly parents.
I agree with other members that your wife is minimising and TTing and probably outright lying about the extent of the affair but as separation and divorce are now firmly on the table she appears to be moving into self-protect mode by asking for a 3-month trial separation.
Since ‘divorce’ has been mentioned she is also full of contradictions:
10/9: “after talking to my Mum I realise how disgusting my behaviour was”; after her counselling session she mentioned “it’s not over yet”. Was she referring to the affair/relationship with POSOM or your relationship/marriage? 10/10: after your counselling meeting you noted that the counsellor said, “she doesn’t know herself or what she wants”.
Your wife is being confronted by the reality of the situation as it shown by her response after she asked how your session went and your replied (which was just great by the way) …”up until now I had to look for explanations but now I need to look after MYSELF my emphasis). Her response to that “you know, maybe I’m making a big mistake” (oh yeah, really!). On 10/11: I will never see that person again”; maybe I’m too selfish”. Coming back to reality is a bitch.
I would be very wary of her statement” I don’t want your money. I just want enough for the kids.” There are many instances on SI where the WW goes rogue and does a complete 180 when the reality of divorce hits. Please protect yourself.
I really liked the initiative you took in speaking to your children’s teachers and the advice she gave you. Please follow her advice. As for your own physical and mental fitness I am so glad you are joining the happy hikers! My wife and I are hikers and some of our best walks have been at Cradle Mountain, the Daintree and Kakadu. Walking will infuse you with all those feel good chemicals as well as meeting fellow hikers to help take your mind (for some time at least) off your current situation.
Finally, you said in a most recent post “I am not well and cry uncontrollably ...” Have you done this in front of her? Does she know the pain and suffering you are going through? She bloody well should.
I am pleased you are continuing with your yoga to help with the stress. ATG I will continue to monitor your posts. As Marz said keep moving forward … all members are here to help.

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 23:38 PM

Thank you mate.
I really appreciate the time and effort you put into your post.

No, I am not crying in front of her, at home, I am friendly and very calm.
I had one moment, when she caught me off guard - but I said " I am so worried about the kids" as the reason.

My lawyer only laughed when I quoted my wife.
He said once she realizes how little the legal child support payments actually are, she will panic and look for own legal advice - and find a lawyer who will go for my jugular.
I am on the front foot a little bit - I moved some assets and he has given me good strategic advice for the upcoming weeks and months.
In the end, my children are my priority. I know what to expect - the lawyer thinks that she is entitled for about 65% of our assets, so I just have to weather the storm.
It's not worth arguing about money if the kids suffer potentially. I don't want to be a push over either.
Maybe an out of court settlement can be found , but I have a good accountant and an excellent lawyer on my side, I just have to go with their advice. I am a modest person, I will look for rental properties until the financial side is sorted and then I can hopefully rebuild.
On the up, I will have plenty of time to look after my business, so will hopefully find ways to soften the blow in the long run.
Again, you support and the support of other members has been invaluable. I am posting a lot today, but it actually helps.
Thanks again.
PS - I have walked in all the places you mentioned,so it's really good to hear from a fellow Aussie

[This message edited by Atg100 at 11:40 PM, October 11th (Thursday)]

AFL1000 posted 10/12/2018 00:30 AM

Hey ATG

My previous post was my first ever on SI but I could not in good conscience let a fellow Aussie walk this journey without a voice from home ...even though you have some wonderful members worldwide, esp our USA brothers and sisters supporting you at this difficult time.

So use this place to rant, vent, ask questions whatever you need to get yourself out of infidelity. My fervent hope is that whatever direction you and your wife take ..R or D she learns something about herself and the 'whys' she took this path. Perhaps these may be answered in IC. All of us are taking this journey with you please keep posting and seeking guidance. You are not alone.

AFL1000 posted 10/12/2018 18:02 PM

Hi ATG

Just wanted to add have fun with the kids while your wife is at her conference...is there a possibility that POSOM is attending this conference as well.

Enjoy your time with the happy hikers...although the weather has been crap where you are over the past few days but hope it improves.

Atg100 posted 10/12/2018 20:05 PM

Thank you so much,
We are at having fun, we are at a train museum and it’s great.
Regarding the hike -
It’s raining but the walk will go ahead - I won’t cancel and hope for good weather...

The AP-
It is a very good feeling that I don’t have to worry about what the other guy does. I’m not interested in my wife’s phone or laptop anymore. Looking at that in her absence was behaviour which was out of character for me.
I know why I had to do it, but it didn’t feel right.
Thanks for checking in !

[This message edited by Atg100 at 8:39 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

Stevesn posted 10/13/2018 05:29 AM

You were at the museum with just the kids or your WW was with you all too?

Atg100 posted 10/13/2018 07:06 AM

My wife was at a conference , I was at the museum with the kids .
I had dinner with a friend , who opened my eyes to something.
- my lawyer recommended that my wife would have to move out, as I should keep the family home. ( there are other ways to pay off her significant entitlements ).
I offered to move out - but my friend made it clear that I would only do this because I want to make things easy for her .
I have this stupid giving and self sacrificing character trait.
So, I was worried that I had to move out, find a new place the kids don’t hate and organise a move when working full time .
It stressed me out.
My friend made it clear to me that - she can move out. She would never be able to keep the family home anyway.
And how she does this, is her problem, not mine.
I had already made it my problem, because that’s how nice a guy I am.
I didn’t want to tell her this tonight, as she is still sorting herself out and wants to go to counselling and what not.
But I all of the sudden realised that I can stay in my place , I don’t have to move . The kids regard this place as their home, so I don’t have to be the one , explaining to them, why I am in a new place . Sounds simple , but I only realised this tonight .
Very liberating thought! Plus in this house here, I have heaps of space to get an live-in au pair who can help with school pick ups and drop offs.
Whilst if I’d move in some small apartment , I wouldn’t have enough space for an au-pair. This made me happy !

[This message edited by Atg100 at 7:12 AM, October 13th (Saturday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/13/2018 07:31 AM

Does your wife know that you are proceeding with divorce? I mean, has she been served and such. Has it sunk into her that this is really happening?

Atg100 posted 10/13/2018 13:07 PM

She knows that I have seen a lawyer and that the date of my appointment legally indicates that we are separated .
In Australia you can file for divorce one year after that separation date. I explained this to her.
She wanted to see the counselor for one more time and do a bit of thinking and reading. I agreed to that but told her that could not be more than a couple of weeks or so.
She “ doesn’t want to hurt me anymore “
I told her that she can’t hurt me anymore - I agreed it will be very sad once we are apart , but I had come to the conclusion that I will be fine. She said that I seemed to be so much better in control, compared to her.
Her replied that it made me sad to see her inner struggle, but that I realised that I was unable to help.

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