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Different perspective

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Stevesn posted 10/9/2018 10:09 AM

Itís not over yet.

What the hell? How is it not over? She made herself clear.

She says she doesnít know if she loves me and it is this struggle and uncertainty about her feelings towards me,

Keep moving forward out of her Infidelity. If she desires to come along with you, you canít control that.

I want you to know that if you just let her back in without her doing months or years of work concerning what is broken in her and finding remorse for how she has treated you then you will never find happiness again.

I could only R with a woman that I was proud of after her changing herself and fixing what was wrong.

This woman scheduled a date night with another man. Including a night stay in a hotel. Then after asking for your forgiveness and to work on things, went right back to him.

Sheís his wife more than yours right now.

Someday this may be fixed, but that wonít happen in the short term unfortunately.

I forget, did you meet with the lawyer and learn how the process works? Is he drawing up papers to be served at your request?

I hope the MC can clarify what she said to your WW. You shouldnít have to beg your wife not to run away with another man. Make sure your MC knows that.

We just want to make sure every step you take involved what only you can control, you and your happiness, and the welfare of your kids.

Good luck.

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 12:14 PM

You are absolutely correct .
I will carry on with the plan, I canít see any other way.

HellFire posted 10/9/2018 13:09 PM

Did you inform the OBS about their date after the burlesque show?

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 15:10 PM

No, I havenít .
Itís also a bit tricky for me .
To get her details , I broke privacy regulations at my workplace, as I have access to personal information beyond the usual internet.
After I realised what I have done , I self reported to the integrity unit of that organisation.
I pleaded for mitagating circumstances and received character references to my support.
I received a disciplinary reprimand.
After my initial contact , the OBS was grateful for my notification.
But she has never contacted me again.
She knows how I got her details, I was honest as I couldnít lie. There had been too much lying.
But if she makes a complaint, I may lose my job.

HellFire posted 10/9/2018 16:01 PM

Well,then I suggest you don't piss her off. And,when she finds out about their recent date, and her husband tells her you already know, she will be livid. She will feel like a fool. Everyone knows but her. It won't matter that she doesn't know you. You know about her. You feel you're entitled to know about the date, but that she..the other BS in this situation...was allowed to be kept in the dark.

And you can bet your ass her husband will make sure to tell her you've known about it since it happened. He will be looking to redirect her rage elsewhere.

I'm not really sure why you think showing her the respect she deserves will cause her to try and stir up trouble for you. You said she was thankful that you informed her. So logic says she will appreciate the truth,even if it comes from someone who isn't her husband.

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 16:35 PM

Also the AP knows how I received the information .
A complaint by him - and he is aware of his rights- could also cost me my job.
The OBS knows that her husband runs around at work and tells all the young female nurses that he is divorced, whilst he isnít.
For all I know , they may already be separated.
If I lose this job because of a privacy breach, I have very little chance of reimployment and have a notice on my board registration .
Sorry , canít do, I truly understand your reasoning.

HellFire posted 10/9/2018 16:37 PM

What's stopping him from making a complaint?

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 16:47 PM

Nothing, apart from he would have to go to the ombudsman and somehow reveal the reason why I may have looked up his and his wifeís details.
But he is an experienced liar, heíd come up with something.
The integrity commission mentioned that it was strongly in my favour that I self reported and that I was 100% open in my approach. I also had to delete all her details, so I would have to perform another privacy breach to get them again.
And I am carefully monitored at the moment, thatís for sure.
She is not on any social media, I tried that first .
The price is now to high.
I must add that your language is slightly inappropriate for my situation, as I am facing consequences of contacting the OBS, which you have not considered.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 5:11 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)]

Plate628 posted 10/9/2018 20:33 PM


Right now, it is in your best interest to be silent on all fronts. Let your wife do what she wants. You are free, and given the reasonable nature of your asset movements (you have touched my heart, I am an accountant that deals in unlacing assets in marital situations), your financial future sounds rather secure. Given what is going on in the background, I would advise you to stay silent and unobtrusive. Let the divorce proceed. I would advise, that even in the event of reconciliation, divorce would still keep your assets safeguarded. You can of course, demand a post-nup (I am unsure of the legalities of such a document in Oz.).

20yrsagoBS posted 10/9/2018 21:05 PM


Please, take it from me. Be good to YOU! Show your babies what being a good person is. Donít succumb to the fallacy that treating your cheater with kindness will make her see the erroof her ways. She will take it and run into the next affair with it.

Iím proof thatís what happens.

HellFire posted 10/9/2018 21:05 PM

Wow. Well, you know, YOU know what consequences you could face for obtaining her information. All I know is your wife is continuing to cheat and as a BS, I feel his wife deserves to know.

Inappropriate? Because I think this woman deserves the truth?

It sounds like you are the one who was inappropriate. You broke major privacy rules and now OM could get you fired.

Pointing out that there's nothing stopping OM from making a complaint isn't inappropriate. It's simply true.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:08 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)]

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 21:22 PM

Hellfire - please donít ever comment on any of my posts again, thank you.

Atg100 posted 10/9/2018 22:35 PM

Plate628 and 20yrs

Thank you very much.
I would never have thought that I touch an accountantís heart....
But have to admit that my accountant also has been brilliant.
He created the required documents in record time, my lawyer had the information without any delay.

Marz posted 10/9/2018 22:42 PM

Yep, right now the less said the better.

Actions speak very loud and clear.

Good luck, I hope it works out well for you.

Btw, honesty goes a very long way.

Atg100 posted 10/10/2018 04:52 AM

Now back from marriage counselling .
She asked me if I would make a rushed decision .
I answered that I have been trying to make sense of it all since that first evidence of sexting end of last year.
I said I needed to remove myself from the madness.
She obviously couldnít give too much away but agreed that my wife , doesnít know herself what she wanted.
She said I should progress as planned , but said that she wanted a further 2 sessions at least with my wife.
Iím not entirely sure of the purpose as I didnít give the impression that I wanted to reconcile .
I just gave a rerun of the events since the beginning and that I realised that much of my behaviour when trying to deal with the affair in the beginning was the ď pick me danceĒ and enabling some cake eating.
It was good to hear however that she put it into perspective : itís normal behaviour , I donít need be ashamed off.
It just doesnít work, but itís not an error I made knowingly at the time.

My wife was keen to hear what the session was like.
I only said that I was trying to come to terms with what happened , and that I need time to process it. I said that until now I had to look for explanations but now need to look after myself.
She got weirdly defensive and said ď you know, maybe Iím making a big mistake ď
I didnít say anything.
I wonder what all that all means?
I read the instructions for the 180 again.
It says - donít believe a word they are saying.
I guess thatís the answer

[This message edited by Atg100 at 4:56 AM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 10/10/2018 07:27 AM

Just wanted to give you some reassurance that you have your head on straight and appear to be thinking clearly.

Detaching and working your way out of the M is the only path whether the end is she lets you go or comes to her senses.

Let her process the steps you are taking in her brain. Thatís all on her. You canít do it for her. Just continue the work you are doing, whether she leaves or follows you shouldnít be something you focus on. Just focus on you.

Only discuss the kids and finances in the most unemotional way possible.

If she follows you it will be on her to somehow rebuild trust. A real tall order. Iím not sure how you would ever have faith she wouldnít just do this again. Doesnít matter though because right now sheís not showing any indication that she cares.

Iím sorry you are here, but youíre doing very well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:28 AM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 10/10/2018 07:39 AM

She either wants you or she doesn't. Part of the reason for the 180 is to give yourself space to clear your head and find your heart's truth. Another part of it is to give her space so she can show you she wants you, if in fact you are what she wants.

Atg100 posted 10/10/2018 11:58 AM

Thank you, yes there is no other way.
I now realise why she was so keen to see what is happening: so far , I have always sorted her problems, made excuses for her and enabled her. .
She is in limbo and was hoping I would revert to old habits and fix her .
( so that she then continue her wayward ways)

I think the next dose of reality will be the letter from my lawyer.
In the very brief discussions, we had she said ď I donít want your money, I just want enough for the kids ď
So I will make her a very modest offer, quoting what she said.
This will force her to find her own lawyer and discuss this .
I find lawyers , their offices, fees and letters usually quite sobering. If she agrees to it, even better

Atg100 posted 10/10/2018 18:40 PM

I talked to the main teacher at my daughterís kindergarten.
Although there is no nice way of doing this , she made a few practical suggestions, about when and how to tell the kids.
She says that many of the children have separated parents.
The children who do best are the ones where the parents donít argue in front of them, have a consistent line and maintain a regular schedule.
I have changed my daughterís hours , in anticipation of the new schedule.
She agreed that my boy, who she knows well, will need a psychologist . ( he was traumatised when his friendís parents split up and was constantly looking for reassurances that we wonít do that).
My wife will be at a conference all Saturday and asked me if she could have Sunday with the kids.
I looked for hiking groups - one of my hobbies.
There were two hikes on offer, one interestingly by a group for people dealing with loss. The other one was called ď happy hikersĒ.
I joined happy hikers ....

Atg100 posted 10/11/2018 02:28 AM

For bad days:

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