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Married after 10 years into relationship. 6 months post marriage

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um87 posted 2/23/2018 11:02 AM

Met my wife during graduation in college - 2007. We both belong to same home town. After graduation ended 2010-11 it was mostly long distance. We both went to different colleges for our masters. We used to meet at our home town (during holidays) and i would travel to her city or we would both travel to some place together (at max 1 week together 3-4 times a year). We used to have night calls daily. We got married in June,2017.

Discovered about the affair in December 2017. It was with a fellow student from her post graduate college. On confrontation She admitted that she was on and off with him from dec, 2014 (the first time they kissed). So basically she was kind of two timing for last 2.5 years until our marriage. I am not sure but she says she slept with him “only” trice (once in the heat of passion Jan,15 and twice when she was drunk and he forced himself on her). The last time according to her being Nov,2016. We got married in June. I am not sure if they did it post the marriage also. But was able to retrieve information from her phone which confirmed that they were texting/whatsapp and on call almost daily post the marriage also till the d -day. They would send each other kisses and miss you’s and bit of sexting post marriage also.
Now she tells me that she loves me and was distracted and attracted to this guy. She used to consider him to be a very good friend and later got involved emotionally as I was not available (I do admit I was bit less available as i had just started on my career and was giving her less time than usual during 2015-16).
This is the girl i lost my virginity to and truely loved with all my heart and have never cheated during all these years. She has broken all contact with the guy after the confrontation. The guy is apparently married now. On finding out about the affair i was heartbroken and in shock and my love for her started fading, i did not care for her the way I used too. We did make out, on my initiation, few times but it was purely sex and not love making. I am not able to kiss her, as it reminds me of the guy and makes me angry thinking that guy also kissed her. My reaction to her was very cold and we hardly spoke during the last two months. At times i had been very rude at giving replies to her.
Now off late, she has started denying about the affair. She says they were good friends and just used to talk naughty. She even says some conversations/screenshots are fake/wrong context and manipulated by this guy. She told me that at that time she accepted all this because she was very afraid. I had told her I knew everything about the guy and them sleeping together and would divorce her until she told the truth herself.
Now I am even more heart broken and distrusting of her. After all this, she has the balls to lie again. I feel that she has again started with her lies (telling nothing happened) and if we stay together, in future also she would continue to lie/manipulate.
I feel that she should have stuck to the original version, but then again I think she might have changed the version to make me feel better(that nothing really happened between them).
I am very confused and don’t know what to do? Or how to take it forward.

beenthereinco posted 2/23/2018 11:54 AM

So sorry you are here. Take a look at the top left box and read the articles in The Healing Library. They will help you get a handle on all your emotions. Right now it is very raw but there are some things for you to grab a hold of. She had an Affair (A) both emotional and physical. Do not let her rewrite this now. You caught her, she confessed, whatever. Now she is backtracking because she doesn't want to live with the consequences and you both haven't handled it that well.

You need to decide what you want to do. It appears that she was carrying on two relationships before your marriage, one with you and one with the OM. That is one thing and I am sure a concern for you but even more concerning should be that this continued post-marriage. She was in an Emotional Affair (EA) with him after your marriage and this is a real problem. You really have no way of knowing if this has also been physical as well since then, not that it really matters as the EA is bad enough, and she has been lying to you for this whole marriage and continues to.

Also you know she is lying now but also she lied then and lied to you about the extent of the A. Three times and twice he forced himself on her? Really? Forced? Did she file a rape charge? She would continue to have daily contact with a man that forced himself on her? Don't believe that lie and certainly don't repeat it for her as truth. She had sex with him much more than three times and it was consensual. You need to understand that.

The talking, texting, whatsapp, etc. since your marriage cannot be denied. She needs to own this as an A and not try to say it didn't happen. I would not be surprised if the change in her stance coincided with picking the A back up with this guy. Have you tried to speak with the wife of the OM? You really need to do that now. Do not tell your wife that you are going to do it. Just get in contact, directly if you can is best emails and messages can be intercepted, and tell her what you know. Send her the screenshots you have. It is the right thing to do and it will help expose this and possibly end it.

Has your Wayward Wife (WW) gone to any sort of counseling to explain why she did this or come up with any reason that doesn't blame you? The "less available" reason is crap. What does that mean? If you become "less available" in the future does she think that will justify cheating? How much "less available" does it take? If you are tired one night and want to go to bed early when she wants to go out does that mean she gets to pick up a ONS? Don't allow her to place this blame on you.

Has she agreed to go total No Contact with this guy? Do you know if they continue to talk? They cannot be "friends". They cannot see, speak, text, etc. again. She has to be agreed to that and she has to allow you to confirm that for some time by allowing you access to all of her electronic communications. Can you pick her phone up right now and see what is on there? Has she removed him from contacts, blocked him on FB, blocked his number, deleted WhatsApp, etc. ? There are lots of things she could do to make you feel safer. Has she done any of them? She does not sound remorseful at all.

You need to take charge now. Tell her the things you need to heal and feel safer. Tell the other spouse what happened. If your wife won't agree to your conditions and she continues to lie and go back on things she admitted to and you know to be true then you really have no choice but to end this marriage.

squid posted 2/23/2018 11:54 AM

um87,

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to be in.

The 3rd most common lie after, "we only kissed" and "we only did it once", is "we only did it twice". Not sure why.

So she's continuing to lie and deny and showing zero remorse. Not a good start.

If you really want to change her tune, notify the OM's (other man) wife. But don't tell your wife that you're doing it. The best and surefire way to end an affair is to expose it. Then hand her divorce papers. Show her some hardcore consequences.

I know that's not the advice you want to hear, but it is the best way to knock her out of unicorn-land. She's getting ego kibbles from the OM. She's a deeply broken person that has no boundaries or respect for you at all.

Don't let her blame you for her choices. There are a million other ways to work on a marriage that don't involve fucking another man. Time to get tough with her. Make her decide right now. No waiting or "giving her space". That's just an excuse to take things underground.

You demand passwords to her phone and all electronic devices. STD tests for both of you. Accountability as to where she is at all times. These are the bare minimum. If she balks at any of these then file for divorce.

Talk to an attorney TODAY and start getting your ducks in a row.

Sorry you're here, dude. Keep posting. We've got your back.

CincyKid posted 2/23/2018 13:55 PM

There were no repercussions for the lies or affair the first time so why shouldn't she lie again? You know she's lying so the important question is what are you going to do about it? What's her motivation to make changes in herself if there are no repercussions for her behavior?

Tigersrule77 posted 2/23/2018 14:01 PM

You have only been 6 months and you know she is in a relationship with another man. She was not faithful before the marriage. It highly unlikely she is telling you the truth.

I don't normally tell someone not to bother with reconciliation, but in your case, I would suggest you just cut your losses. This is a woman with very low morals, who doesn't really seem to be in love with you. If she was, she wouldn't be doing this.

You say you were distant the last year, if she was so unhappy, why did she marry you? She was actively in another relationship during your wedding.

Read what you first wrote and put someone else's name on it. Would you tell someone who went through what you are that this sounds like a long lasting relationship? That their partner sounds like someone safe and that you can envision them spending the rest of their lives together happily married? I doubt it.

Run. File tomorrow and end this. You deserve better and YOU shouldn't have to deal with the mess your WW created.

Marriagesucks posted 2/23/2018 14:03 PM

I don't believe you mentioned if you've got kids or not... if not run. Chances are there is MUCH more to the story. Believe me it will be so much worse down the road with kids and a mortgage looming over your head. This is not a good start to your marriage with infidelity from the beginning.

GoldenR posted 2/23/2018 14:12 PM

Oh man....the old, "I was forced by him" defense, as well as "we only did it twice".

None of them were ever forced. It's never just twice. She was willing and they did it a lot.

You need to demand a polygraph.

paboy posted 2/23/2018 14:24 PM

Well, hmmm..
Reading your narrative there are a couple of gut reactions.

Firstly, her change of story. They are probably back in contact.

Straight to the second because it will determine what effort you want to spend any further.

You are now wondering, what the heck have I married. Gut feeling. You want out.

Alot of us posters will tell you that recovery for you takes years, if you endeavor to reconcile. Successfully reconciliations do occur but they take alot of hard work by both partners.

Fortunately, you are early in your marriage with no real commitments.

You have a life time ahead of you. Best decide now where you want to spend your best efforts going forward.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Remain positive. Look for the best in others. This type of betrayal has away of leaving its mark on you. Dont let it do that.

oldtruck posted 2/23/2018 15:06 PM

Young and no kids best to divorce.

Marz posted 2/23/2018 15:54 PM

Cheaters lie a lot. You only know the "tip of the iceberg"

Only been married a year? I'd unmarried her ASAP.

Inform the other mans wife. Without warning.

smilethrupain posted 2/23/2018 16:32 PM

The classic script of a cheating woman (most of the time) is "he forced himself on me". The whole, I didn't want to but I was scared or had to. That's a lie. If she slept with him, she wanted it. I'm sorry.

You do need to figure out what you can live with or not. It's about 99.99% chance she was lying then and even moreso now.

ISurvived7734 posted 2/23/2018 19:31 PM

You've been married only a short time so divorcing should be like tearing off a band-aid. Just do it and move forward....never look back.

JS84 posted 2/23/2018 19:57 PM

For starters have you talked to a divorce lawyer yet about your options??? If there are no kids in the picture I'd recommend divorcing and moving on. I get that you guys have history but honestly to me that has little to do with anything. All relationships have history, that doesn't mean they have to or should continue indefinitely.

Your wife is remorseless, lying, blameshifting, and has faced little to no consequences from you. She cheated on you for 2 and a half years including during your engagement, your marriage, and 6 months afterwards. That is some pretty shady shit and says a lot about the type of person she is.

I have a feeling you know what you have to do you just need to hear others tell you to do it. Your wife is giving you no reason to stay and try to work on things. I also think you need to ask yourself if she's really worth trying to hold onto. Because from the outside looking in it doesn't sound like it.

Sharkman posted 2/23/2018 21:47 PM

When you expose to her boyfriend’s wife DO NOT TELL HER YOU DIS THIS. If she finds out you’ll know 100% that No Contact was ever established

DeWittle posted 2/23/2018 22:33 PM

Sorry for your situation.

So he was at school with her while you were long distance relationship, sounds to me like she cheated on HIM with you. Sorry! Just twice, BS!

Married less than a year, no children, cheating the majority of relationship. See a lawyer about annulment but RUN, cut your losses and run. You don’t want to share her DNA with your future children.

um87 posted 2/24/2018 02:54 AM

Thanks a lot for your replies. Really appreciate !!

Yes we don't have kids and she is not pregnant. We are 31 and 30. After marriage we moved to another city. The AP is in different city.

She has deactivated her fb account and shared her fb/email/phone passwords with me. She has blocked him on fb and whatsapp. Apparently the guy has also done the same.

She says that she felt that the guy went into depression because of her and was genuinely in love with her (she did not marry him) and so to console him she kept talking with him, even after the marriage. She planned on stopping it from the coming new year (i.e 1 st jan 2018) but was caught(D-day 23rd Dec.) in btw.

She says that she has now realized her foolishness, that the guy was taking advantage of/manipulating her and not really in depression. He had told her that he was not happy with his wife at all and he really missed her etc.

I don't have any reason to believe that they both are still in contact. Although would be on on vigil now.

Our was an inter religion marriage, which took a lot of time (2 years) convincing parents both sides. So a lot of pressure on us/me to not get separated.

The questions i am wondering:
Why did she marry me in first place? and not that guy?

When she got involved with the other guy, why did she not break up with me? but continued talking and meeting me also?

Even if i forgive all this. Will i be able to forget and have a happy life with her?

It's kind of brain vs. heart now for me. My brain tells me she did was more than just wrong. But my heart tells me to forgive her. She made a mistake. we all are human beings. But then if i forgive her now and continue what if something similar happens 10 years down the marriage? I am Confused a lot..

[This message edited by um87 at 3:04 AM, February 24th (Saturday)]

redbaron007 posted 2/24/2018 03:27 AM

My brain tells me she did was more than just wrong. But my heart tells me to forgive her.

Listen to both. Listen to your heart and forgive her, then do what your brain tells you and dump her. You will NEVER regret dumping a cheater. There's far too many good women out there who will NEVER cheat, please don't condemn yourself to live with a cheater, especially when so young and unencumbered...just be brave and go find a gal with integrity. Good luck!

paboy posted 2/24/2018 03:55 AM

It takes at least 5 yrs depending on the effort you both put in.

The why's you asked about, we can only speculate.

Are you considering letting his wife know about this relationship. I would guess that this couple were married before DDay and these two were still sexting each other after that marriage.
Doing this allows the other wife the right to know what has been happening in her marriage, and what she wants to do about it. You may find her an ally in ensuring that no contact is maintained.
If you decide to do this, dont let your wife know. If she does find out, you'll know where it came from.

A formal no contact request needs to be made.

Consequences need to be considered as well. If no consequences, what stops her from doing this again. This is what we teach our children.

Regardless of what your parents think, you need to draw a line in the sand. What you would not allow ever again.

At the top left hand corner, in the yellow box, youll see the Healing Library. Click on that. On the next page, second line, you'll see books. Click on that and it will give you a number of books that you can read to help you.

Tren0R201 posted 2/24/2018 03:59 AM

You're asking a million questions, that's fine, but your wife has a million reasons for what she did, excuses, she partly blames herself but she mainly blames him. She denies, she pushes blame onto yourself or whomever else she can.

When this happens this only means one thing, sooner or later whatever behavior led her to cheat will surface again and she will do it again. It doesn't have to be physical, it could also be emotional.

Here's the thing. Cut out all the noise, cut out all the bs, all the excuses, it comes down to right or wrong.

She's been cheating as you say for 2.5 years? Even after you married they were still communicating, at what point when you're dating someone and sleeping with someone else during 2.5 years do you feel what you are doing is wrong? Again even after you were married she was still messaging the guy.

My friend. It will take a very long time for trust to come back, but if your wife keeps making these excuses it will be even longer. She disrespected you and the marriage, end of story, no excuses, no nonsense.

2.5 years is NOT a mistake. She did what she did because she wanted to do it. She lied very clearly to achieve the outcomes she wanted. You have to own this truth as she does.

Nothing confusing about that at all.

eolus posted 2/24/2018 07:39 AM

I am sorry you are here. I have a similar WS timeline regarding marriage and affair, but we had a house and kids and fully intertwined life by the time we were legally married. Just wanted you to know you are not the only one.

If I did not have a vested interest (my children) in helping WS get it together, I would have been gone a couple sentences into "confession". If you decide not to try and work things out, possibly see if you can get an annulment in your state.

It took me more than a month to even get the basics right again, eating, sleeping, exercise, etc. Be kind to yourself while you get your bearings.

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