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N P D Thread - Part 14

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TheRealDeal posted 1/7/2016 14:36 PM

In a recent post somewhere on SI I mentioned I had been staying "for now" until I grew emotionally stronger. that strength arrived late last night.

I've had multiple D-days, truly so many I've lost count. I was never in R though I thought I was for a while. I don't know if he is Bi-, SA, NPD, a combination of all of them or something else entirely. I doubt if he knows, or whether he cares; he won't go for counseling.

He is actively engaged in his behaviors, all of them...email, CL, phone, texting, in-person, and god only knows what else that I never uncovered. I'm sure there are hundreds of other people, geez, maybe thousands, over the years based on what I found in the past month alone.

My final curtain of denial came off last night and now I see the true him. That curtain kept me safe until I was strong enough to see; now I see.

He is a liar. A manipulator. He doesn't care about me; he cares about himself.

Last night it became clear I need to save myself. So that's what I will do.

cantaccept posted 1/9/2016 09:01 AM

Honestly the label, at least from my point of view is irrelevant. The consistent bad choices, hurtful behavior and lack of meaningful and consistent change says it all.

Truly believing what you see is so hard. I always interpreted his behavior through my lens. I would think of what would cause me to behave that way and how I would feel if I did what he did. That was wrong of me. I felt too much empathy and compassion for someone that was not worthy of it.

Now what is your plan? Do you have one?

TheRealDeal posted 1/12/2016 05:48 AM

we are no longer in contact since last Wednesday night.

we were not legally married but informally common-law since my state doesn't recognize common-law.

for many reasons thru the years I retained ownership of my own house. i am back there. a blessing in disguise

my circle of support has been slowly increasing over the months. I've found my spiritual side after a 30+ year absence and recently found a church that aligns with my spiritual side. they have a recovery workgroup held twice a month, and I started going. it is open to public and helpful

I had finally felt ready to say what I relly needed to say to him. my fear (co-dependent me) held me back for so long.
in addition to all my intensive IC and other forms of support, I found my voice. to quote from a book about dealing with narcissists..."we begin to take action because we get to a point where our fears of attack and rejection pale in the face of losing our soul. This is the leap of faith that builds our emotional strength, self-esteem and self-respect."

I recognize that I will want to contact him but that time hasn't arrived yet...working through a lot of anger right now. its better that way.

Carealot posted 1/20/2016 04:32 AM


I breath in the pain and breath out the relief of pain and suffering for all of us who suffer these things.

Best of luck to you.

TS68 posted 1/24/2016 22:06 PM

I cannot figure out how this forum works but I have to say these cluster b people really do some big time damage. I don't know how I'll ever be able to look back on this huge part of mylife with any kind of closure. The unanswered questions and red flags I missed throughout our entire marriage will haunt me forever.

5454real posted 1/27/2016 14:11 PM

Bump for someone

sadandempty posted 1/30/2016 23:03 PM

So, now that I understand that I'm dealing with a NPD sociopath, I document and record EVERYTHING. EXWH had a phone conversation where he says something so not ok to say to our youngest, I hang up the phone and end the conversation, call my lawyer, send her the recording. Today I recieved an email from him asking to talk to the kids on the phone, and stating that he was just talking about school in their last conversation and it was cut short??? So I email him back calling him out that it was cut short because of the inappropriate comments and that they were not talking about school. He then emails me back and says Im a liar and that's not at all what was said, and how we should record the conversations so I can't make things up??? It's gaslighting at its finest, and I'm so glad I now keep physical proof, other wise I'd go nuts! I didn't respond. How do any of you deal with this? I would just like to get feed back from others who understand NPD, how to deal with them and how to deal with them with the kids, and keep them safe?

Lovingmyselfmore posted 1/31/2016 13:46 PM

Somebody in JFO recommended a youtube channel called narcissism survivor a while ago and they post wonderful information in the videos.

I visit that chanel every week and somehow I feel less alone and like someone understands me and my situation.

If anyone wants to look at it I think you will find a lot of help and a feeling of belonging with other people who have gone through situations with NPD.


isitme24 posted 2/2/2016 19:27 PM

Wow. Oh. Wow. Oh. Wow!!! She's stalking my posts so that's all say. Exhale.

Itiswell2015 posted 2/3/2016 12:10 PM

Finally i am here. I have been stalking this thread, instead of absorbing, i kept trying to convince myself that my SA isnt NPD. I cant continue in the denial. HE is one. I had confronted him yesterday when i saw he was once again searching prostitutes pictures on facebook, and he started laughing at me as i was talking/crying.

Right there i knew i couldnt continue with this trauma. I have asked him to leave an he has refused. I cant stay anymore and recieve the trauma, especially since he is jumping around the house happily like nothing happened. Will rather stay with my daughter in a hotel than be exposed to this.

I pray for strength, i know it would be hard. I am in muslim country, no family here. But i know its better to be alone than continue with all this narcissistic abuse.

betrayedanddazed posted 4/10/2016 04:19 AM

Hi everyone. I am trying to determine if my STBX is dealing with NPD. It sure seems like to me but need some of your opinions and if he is, ways to deal with him.

A little back story -- My H had an affair that became physical back in November. Claims it ended in January after I confronted him about putting internet in at OWs house in his name. Says they've had no contact. Thought things were going okay for a month afterwards (was false R). This is not the first time he has been caught talking inappropriately to other women throughout our 14.5 years together (9 married). It's like he craves the attention and the chase (maybe sex addict as he did have a porn problem). We haven't lived together since November (his choice. - he moved out on our wedding anniversary - way to stab someone) and he becomes more and more cold and distant and detached everyday. We have an 18 month old who he basically ignores, forgets when it's his weekend, and literally goes weeks without even asking me about him. Not sure how a father doesn't care about his kid.

He's recently unfriended me on all social media and lies about how he is getting rid of it and blah blah. So why unfriend me if you're getting rid of it!?

He also is one of the most selfish human beings ever, is never wrong, never to blame, always my fault. He has zero empathy too. He's trying to manipulate me throughout our DIY divorce that he is pushing to rush through (which I don't want and he uses that against me). He says he is "compromising" in the divorce because he is letting me have our house with the equity among other things. BS --- he may be giving in to that but only because he is getting the ultimate thing he wants which is a D.

He is truly a stranger and not the man I married. He does vindictive things that he knows will bother me (such as the social media stuff or waning to go to dinner as a family and him paying although I think it's more manipulation for me to do what he wants) and then tells me how ridiculous I am for even caring, it's his life and he can do what he wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. I admit to being controlling in the past but I have since owned it and am getting help.bhe continues to try to use that I was controlling to control and manipulate me.

I really feel addicted to my H and that I can't break free of caring what he does or doesn't do. It's painful being like shit from a man you love and not being able to break free of how horrible they treat you and how non empathetic they are toward how you feel or how things affect you or your kids. All about him - always has been. He's also passive aggressive so he holds shit in until he blows up.

Oh, and he also is making this about his feelings only. He doesn't care how I feel in the process, how our son feels, as long as he gets what he wants Which is out. He continues to lie about literally everything! Lied and said he took a new job a few hours away from where we live but I don't believe him. He's trying to make me feel crazy I swear. He posted a picture to Instagram today of him face timing with our son that literally is months old. It's like he's trying to play it off to the world that he's an involved parent when in reality he is rarely around and makes no effort. It's like he doesn't even love or care for our son at all yet he is the one who pushed for us to have kids. He doesn't remember doing a lot of things he claims but I know they are just more lies.

Im trying NC but he NCs me too. He's a fridged, emotionless, piece of ice selfish jerk!! Advice?

[This message edited by betrayedanddazed at 4:45 AM, April 10th (Sunday)]

antlered posted 4/10/2016 11:02 AM

Individual Counseling with a professional who is experienced in Narcissistic personalities.

Can't emphasize this enough.

WornDown posted 4/11/2016 09:05 AM

I don't know if hes NPD or just really immature/selfish.

But bottom line, don't do the DIY divorce with someone that is not being cooperative, or if you feel is trying to manipulate you. Get a lawyer, a good one.

They have the experience to deal with him. Let them do it.

GotPlayed posted 4/20/2016 12:04 PM

But bottom line, don't do the DIY divorce with someone that is not being cooperative, or if you feel is trying to manipulate you. Get a lawyer, a good one.

This ^^

And furthermore, expect the manipulator to get extremely pissed at the fact that you got a lawyer. That's by design. It's another manipulation.

dreamlife posted 4/25/2016 14:23 PM

Is there anyone else here estranged from their adult NPD daughter? Help!

reallystruggling posted 6/15/2016 15:58 PM

Please get yourself a good Lawyer. Quickly.
And also a good counselor. This shit is crazy-making

betrayedfriend posted 6/17/2016 23:12 PM


Exact opposite here. I'm estranged from my NPD mother and brother.

Threnody posted 7/1/2016 17:11 PM

Bumping for someone.

caregiver9000 posted 7/26/2016 12:42 PM

I don't know how many of the tribe still check in here... I have been very absent and I see this thread has slowed down considerably. I wish I thought that was because the NPDs of the world were quieter!

I wanted to pop in and say if anyone ever needs something please feel free to PM me or bump this thread until you get the attention you need. Anyone living in NPD hell should not feel alone or ignored.

And a special favor request. If any of the tribe are still about, keep an eye on TS68's posts. I don't know if her ex is NPD, but he is a special kind fuckwit and she could use the support from folks who won't wonder if she is crazy.

Be well tribe. And always be on the lookout for zebraducks!!!!

meowmer posted 8/5/2016 13:49 PM

i had a whirlwind of a relationship. thought he was my soul mate. couldn't understand why he didn't get basic things like empathy, honesty, respect, actions speak louder than words, etc... got pregnant. made it really hard to leave. stuck around longer than i should have. lots of grieving, torment, anxiety, depression...and of course the lying and infidelity. our baby boy is absurdly wonderful, so that's one good thing. going through divorce and custody now which is going to span into next year. anyways, the point is, i stumbled upon npd online and have had many, many 'aha' moments as i've continued my research. i recently bought "psychopath free" and so much of it is my story. but it's not 100%, that's to be expected i suppose. i'm just still doubting myself and my convictions despite how much all this new information has resonated with me. could he really be npd or psychopathic? it sounds so crazy. but it's crazy, too, that i'm doubting myself and doubting the validity of the body of material i've found in books an online before confidently being able to name him. am i just looking for validation and answers where there aren't any? am i forcing a narrative to make sense of things? why am i doubting the validity of everything i've read...surely there's got to be something to it all or why is there so much out there on it...

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