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N P D Thread - Part 14

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cheatedandhurtin posted 3/2/2015 09:50 AM

Was there ever one single success R story with a NPD spouse? Is there a chance?

Futurefear posted 3/3/2015 12:54 PM

So in two days I have another settlement conference at the courthouse. If this fails, it's court. And even though we are in a no fault state, the dirty whore is going to be subpoenaed and deposed. Ugh.
The wasband has really been pouring it on the past 2 weeks. I'm guessing the fantasy of the dirty whore has worn off and reality is looming...
I've heard "I will always love you", "I can't believe you filed", "I never thought you would leave me". Wow.
So I was supposed to be the dutiful wife while you played with the dirty whore? Ummm no. Choice meet consequence.
That being said, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of this being over, really over. I'm afraid of sharing my kids. I'm afraid of being single Mom of 3 at 40.
I'm afraid to not have him in my life anymore.
Makes me sound like a pathetic fool.
I'm so sad that he chose this path, chose to destroy our vows, us, our family, everything for a cheap piece of ass.

antlered posted 3/8/2015 09:20 AM

((Futurefear))

Hope things went ok with your conference. After reading your story I'm not optimistic, wasband is a major tool. No matter what happens you can handle it. Oftentimes we let fear rule us. I had the same list of fears you mentioned:

I'm afraid of this being over, really over. I'm afraid of sharing my kids. I'm afraid of being single Mom of 3 at 40.
I'm afraid to not have him in my life anymore.

Yep, yep, and yep. However now 6 months post-split and DDay, I can say that I'm much better off, much happier, than I have been in years not having to live every day with an entitled, blaming asshole. Not la-la land by any means, and boy do I have a lot of work to do on my sense of self-worth. Now the remaining concern is her narcissistic temper and how it will affect my kids, but hey that was there during the relationship anyway. A new fear of moving on at 44 with kids in tow has cropped up but, but starting from scratch has infinitely better odds than with fixing a relationship with a narcissist (which are zero ) You will get through this to something better. I am so very happy for your Futureself!

Brass Tacks posted 3/8/2015 09:48 AM

My story is confusing. Please do not shut me off because of that because you. NPD spotters and handlers(?) Are my last hope. My profile says MH that is true, but I am also the most recent wayward, plus I am seperated though not legally for 30 days now living like a road warrior. Trying to get what I am about 90% sure is my NPD MH terms for R.

I can almost hear your laughter, right? NPD agree to anything and follow through, right?
I am still living a chaste lifestyle. Using class being tasteful in behavior and dress.. Traveling as a professional decent woman. No liquor no men. Neighbors knew my parents. Know. My husband. Living fully accountable.

I did not KNOW he was NPD till I had this distance between us.the traits are ALL there like writing on the wall. So clear!

First off, no kids. Next, still have own name, bank account, and own house through inheritance. Have some money but so very sick. Impacted tooth, antibiotics, running out of pain meds. Need root canal. SO sick plus I am disabled. Body on arthritic chronic pain flareup.

Need encouragement. Need insight. All I asked for was he get counseling, transparency with money and perscription sleep meds. Has been 30 days no real action. All words, charm. Sometimes flashes of anger on phone. Though after first 10 days we stopped yelling at each other.

I KNOW he is hoovering me. I am tired I want my bed, rest, dentist. Etc. I am no longer a young wo t idea is surgery where I am for tooth. Root canal or extraction. Then 'pretend' happy honeymoon return home. File for D. Have his narc but kicked out then....god I have been married 16 years! Seems I am so close to springing the trap and my health is stacking the deck.

If you feel like reaching out, please read my earlier posts my moods go up and down but if you go back to the topic 16 years of trickle truth to made him pack his own hefty bags forward it MIGHT help. Typing HURTS my hands so I can only type some.

If you read earlier posts will save time.I can not type same answers. Or explain a lot. Incredible pain!

I have never reached out to strangers in such desperation before. My family has given up on me because, well one brother still bitter over D hates women thinks we all ccheat. The other members do not understand why I did not leave husband when he lost his daughter in car wreck and quit working 10 years ago.

What fresh hell is this? SI friends, advisors, mentors, counselors, fellow suffers PLEASE hear my cry and respond!

[This message edited by Brass Tacks at 9:57 AM, March 8th, 2015 (Sunday)]

Brass Tacks posted 3/9/2015 14:54 PM

One thing I have learned in last 30 days. We are alone when it is all said and done.

From there it has to go only up.

Edie posted 3/9/2015 15:32 PM

(((Brass tacks)))

I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

It WILL all get better. It will.

Brass Tacks posted 3/9/2015 20:19 PM

Edie, thanks. Alread better tonight.

MH has IC Thursday! Set done. BAM! Bank records in. Route. BAM!

He says he threw sleep meds out. I swear they are the devils spawn. Just try kicking them if you do not believe me. We will see. Trust but verify right?

I am going to pack a bit at a time. Neighbor gunna help. God bless neighbor. Has lnown my family in this vaca spot many years. God provides. Never doubr. Never doubt.

Going to hit road. Hands need to be STRONG tomorrow. Faith faith faith!

Has been almost 40 days like Jesus in the desert. Except the food has been great here! Fresh fish, steak, eggs. Healthy. God all over this. Counselor awaiting my arrival.

Brass tacks going to grab the brass ring. R or D... Brass tacks will survive!

Satrungirl posted 3/11/2015 14:07 PM

I was recommended to come here to this forum and seek support/advice, etc. I am pretty upset over this whole ordeal and the clearer vision I have as to "who" my husband actually is. I'm holding it together, but WHOA....I am NOT all the way okay. I have no idea how to respond to him anymore. DO I just go along as before? Before I new how utterly cold he really is? How do I get all of my ducks in a row when I feel like I have to be careful in case he finds out everything I'm doing. My head is spinning. It does stop sometimes and I get some clarity, but how do I do what I need to do to get out and protect my kids? He's very good at seeming perfectly nice and good guy. He's smart and logical. Yet, he has this terrible streak that runs through him. How do I share my kids with him. I cannot fathom letting him have my kids alone for an extended time. He is horribly impatient and authoritarian to my 5 year old willful son. This NEVER goes well, and I usually end up stepping in to deal with their aggression towards each other. Now my WH feels a "calling" to be a police officer....I was NOT okay with this BEFORE I knew about the affair or really knew that he was NPD. But I was certain that I did not want him to accumulate "more" of an authority ego. Now....knowing all of this, seeing all of these signs? I am overwhelmed.

Edie posted 3/13/2015 03:54 AM

Hi Saturn,

Read through the thread from first page...

E

OnlyDo posted 3/13/2015 14:39 PM

@Saturn
Are you asking if you should lie to yourself? NO. Do you want this man to be the male role model your son sees as he is growing up? The cold streak is the true man living behind the mask. Ignore him at your family's peril.

Compartmented posted 3/16/2015 22:42 PM

How do I get all of my ducks in a row when I feel like I have to be careful in case he finds out everything I'm doing.
Definitely hide the planning you are doing. Don't tip your hand. Listen to your gut about feeling you need to be careful.

I know the feeling of not fathoming letting someone be alone with your children. Read as much as you can to deal with what will come in the future. It sucks, but if you get educated, you'll be able to help your children more. Learn to accept what you can't change (what he does, what the court may order), what you can change, and just do the best you can!!! Posting here can help, as there are lots who have gone down this path before you. We can't fix it - it will still suck - but we can help by sharing what worked for us.

SoHurt posted 3/20/2015 15:30 PM

Hello to all and welcome to the new folks. Hugs all around, and I've missed you guys! It's time for my (seemingly all I can manage) yearly update.

Well.... where to start? My XNPD is still alive and kicking at 3 years out, looking and acting the same as ever, so it's very doubtful he really did have cancer. Glad I didn't push my youngest into contact out of guilt.

Speaking of which, my youngest will be 18 in less than 2 weeks, and is doing wonderfully well. He is at the top of his class, as a junior, and has a major university looking to draw him in. We want a different one, just because it's a better fit. They would let him graduate at the beginning of next year, but he wants to use all the free education he can get. Smart boy. But he's finally seeing his true worth, and for that I am most grateful. He has a plan in place should my X come calling.

My next oldest got engaged at the end of last year to a beautiful, sweet girl I adore. She surprised us all by getting pregnant a couple months ago, and my son is scared to death. He's going to be a fabulous daddy, but he worries about supporting his family. Hardest working kid in the company, and he's worried. The ultrasound made him SEE his future, and he's just doing the first time daddy freakout. It's pretty cute, actually. He's never been speechless before.

My oldest is finally coming to grips with his own issues, and taking medication for his ADHD! I think his two girls' first words being cuss words had something to do with it. But he's really growing these days, seeing things how they really are, and not running from them anymore.

My greatest joy right now is that all 3 boys are finally healing from the things they went through, and spending time together as real brothers, instead of fighting and blaming. The rift has begun to close, and watching them laugh and have fun is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I did not think they'd ever be close again.

As for me, I've been in IC for 2 years now, and learning to live again. I was a victim, then a survivor... and now I live. I take no crap from anyone - which has cost me a few times, including my ex bff - but losing people who want to treat me badly is surprisingly comfortable and a definite blessing. Living without constant judgment is a truly freeing thing.

I am a licensed concealed weapon carrier who is absolutely lethal to targets. Hopefully, when my training evolves into moving targets, I'll be as good in that arena.

My life is finally fully in my control, and I am doing fine. My health issues are still there, but they pale in comparison to where I was headed a few short years ago. So I'll deal with them.

For those who know me, I am fine. So very fine. Life is hard with physical problems, but life in my family is perfect.

For those who joined since last I was here.... keep moving forward. You CAN get through. I would've been the last to believe I could do it, but somewhere, buried under all the bs, was a ME I truly enjoy being. You will make it, if you keep going. Don't stop till you're free!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

Edie posted 3/21/2015 03:37 AM

So hurt! So great to hear from you. I miss our singing sessions.

It's wonderful to hear your news. Really wonderful.

TwiceAFool2 posted 3/24/2015 10:17 AM

New to this thread, been on SI since DDday in November. WH was officially diagnosed at that time with Bipolar, NPD & SA after having a breakdown upon being found out about his "double life" of frequenting strip establishments. Suddenly so many things made sense that I couldn't put a finger on over the years...Since then we have supposedly attempted R (half hearted on his part I suppose) - but he has continued on a path of destruction and I cannot continue on this path with this fool. He walked out again on me & my kids the other day & now I have gone NC with him, but unfortunately he controls the purse strings so I have to probably deal with him until I can break free of that. The other evening I got a text from him (I didn't respond) as he complains that I am keeping him from seeing the kids until he can afford a lawyer. Ugh! Is it typical that an NPD plays the victim? I know they typically blame everyone else but this idiot takes it to a new level I swear!

[This message edited by TwiceAFool2 at 10:19 AM, March 24th (Tuesday)]

sadone29 posted 3/24/2015 21:26 PM

I hear you, TwiceAFool2! H is always a victim. Always. It doesn't matter what he has put me through. Any negative attention from me means that I'm treating the poor guy sooooo badly. I don't think I ever even raised my voice since DDay.
And after we S, he was so scared because I apparently held 'all the cards'. As a major chump, I actually believed him, and scrambled to make sure he didn't feel like I was going to take away the kids.
When we started mediation, it became clear that there was a huge power imbalance. And no, it wasn't me who had the power. In fact, I didn't even have any cards at all. I'm stuck with him financially for a long time (I got into school and will hopefully have a new career after). We don't talk much. I try not to give kibbles. He gets them elsewhere now, and I'm grateful for that because it helped calm things down in the household. We are roommates who are living together for the kids until I can actually leave.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 9:27 PM, March 24th (Tuesday)]

DMS88 posted 3/24/2015 22:19 PM

It has been said that an NPD has a constant need for ego kibbles.

My husband has a lot of classic signs of NPD. He has zero empathy, he is constantly trying to be the center of attention, he will buy a broken BMW just so he can say he owns one. He brags, he is over confident and puts in resumes for jobs that he knows nothing about. He is drawn to broken women that think he is the best thing in the world because he has a job and doesn't beat them. He flies into a rage if you criticize him. He spent tens of thousands of dollars at the casino as he tried to portray himself as a high roller. He seems to have all the traits of an NPD, except one.

Since we separated I would expect he would be constantly trying to engage me to get his ego kibbles, but he has gone dark.

I guess he could be getting his ego rubbed by somebody else. Our MC had once told me (after he stormed out) that she couldn't give a definite diagnosis, but she believes he suffers from some type of personality disorder.

Is is normal for an NPD to be perfectly fine to not interact with his family? He hasn't seen the kids in weeks. He doesn't call or ask to see them. Since having a NPD badger a BS is one of the big things spouses of NPD waywards complain about I am wondering if he has another type of personality disorder.

If you are wondering why he was attracted to me since he likes women who need him. I met him in college and I was failing math and science and was facing the loss of my scholarship. He was assigned as my tutor and he is an amazing teacher. I was so impressed with him and his intelligence. I think I saw him as my savior. He had his affair after we had kids and now my attention was off him and on the kids. I don't think he could handle not having me focusing on him 24/7. That is why him going dark seems strange.

sadone29 posted 3/25/2015 17:06 PM

I think they either hold on for dear life and try to keep control, or they discard you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to pop back into your life if he thinks he can get anything from you after some time apart.

steppingup posted 3/25/2015 17:40 PM

I had to listen to my ww talk about what she wants and how she sees our M this past weekend, after 30 or 40 minutes of ranting I was sure she has some form of NPD.

All I heard was what she wants, how she feels, kept referring to the house and kids as "hers" and all that good stuff.

Not once asking me about my feelings or what I want or what i need, not once.

TwiceAFool2 posted 3/25/2015 22:12 PM

Have to vent. And.....tonight gave him the opportunity to call to speak with his children and nope, not interested. Tries to blame me that he can't talk to any of us because anything he says can "be used against him". Hasn't talked to the kids in almost a week. What a POS! Feel so very sad for my kiddos tonight.

DMS88, sounds like you are right. Yup, ego kibbles and they will stop at nothing to get them. My WH will brag & put on the most disgusting show - no one else can do what he does, he's doing so well in his business & is so busy (Not), everyone thinks he's so great at his line of work, everyone thinks he's so funny, always about him, him, him. Plenty of times, I would be talking about a friend of mine I hung out with & he'd come up with something off the wall like what did they say about him...like what?! Yeah, because all we did was hang out & talk about YOU!

How does that expression go? Enough about me. What do you think about me? or something to that effect.

SteppingUp, thats the classic NPD. Always about them, all the time. No consideration for anyone else. What, you have feelings?!

[This message edited by TwiceAFool2 at 10:29 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]

PhoenixRisen posted 3/26/2015 16:50 PM

TwiceAFool2 YES! they actually are think they are victims!! My NPDex actually created a user name "Iamthevictim" during our D.... should have been "Iamaloser"

Update...
Went to lawyer's office for a custody issue. I briefly explained the situation and handed my lawyer a print out of the email exchange regarding the current issue, it shows ex in his true form: throwing a lengthy tantrum because he can't get his way, name calling & threatening me. While my responses are short, to-the-point and polite. He read it all silently, then leaned back in his chair and said "Do you think he is a narcissist?"

BINGO!

I asked if I should respond to the accusatory & harassing emails from ex. He said "Have you hear the phrase "Don't wrestle with pigs... you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.""
I love this lawyer. He gets it.

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