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N P D Thread - Part 14

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Kajem posted 1/1/2015 16:11 PM

Heard a Taylor Swift song on the radio today....
The words "Darling, I'm a nightmare dressed as your daydream" stood out.

It's our narcs.

The daydream may be happening to ow, eventually it WILL become a nightmare.

Happy New Year Tribe.

Hugs,
K

sadone29 posted 1/1/2015 17:19 PM

wiserallthetime, glad to hear that you're standing up for yourself more! I can't wait until we're in different homes. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. It makes it difficult to keep up the energy I need to make an exit plan.

Josey, I remember in the early days having those abandonment feelings. Those are gone. I want him to leave. I wish he would. He's too controlling for that though. He never let me have any space to heal. I remember saying too, how some other woman is going to reap the benefits of this supposed 'new' man that will emerge. That new man hasn't come. He can cover it up with something new (in his case, religion), but he's still the same cranky, joyless controller. Now I just feel sorry for the next woman in his life.

Wiserallthetime posted 1/1/2015 18:28 PM

sadone - it is easier to stand up to him with him out of the house; I have a physical and legal barrier between us, and I can call the police and have him removed from the property, even though his name is still on it. It is only a mention on a piece of paper called our temporary consent order, but it makes all the difference in the world to me....
Now, in person?? That's a whole other matter.... Still, I had the occasion to be with him in person the other day, and, as usual, despite that I was actually doing something nice for him I did not have to do, he got aggressive and physically intimidating with me; I was in control of myself, my emotions, and my thinking, and I think I handled it quite well, despite still trembling for an hour after it was over. I did not back down, and I did not waste time and energy arguing with him in those circular arguments he just loves. To me, that is great progress!!

I say all that to hopefully be encouraging to you. Whether you move out or he does, get a separate place as soon as you can. Use that goal to spur you forward with an exit plan. Your healing really begins when you have the space to do it.

jjct posted 1/4/2015 07:33 AM

Bit of a longish thread in jfo by claca
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=549685

...kinda reeks of n-abuse to me, so if you feel like dropping over there, she could use some extra support. Calling on the Tribe cavalry, da da da DAH!

Kajem posted 1/4/2015 21:23 PM

Wading in to jfo.

jjct posted 1/5/2015 03:56 AM

K - you're great! Thanks for the reminder!

I do remember what that was like in the early days. You couldn't get me over there with a crowbar
One time I did, and a veteran Tribe member gave me an 'attaboy' for being so 'brave' to go over there.
It felt wonderful. Empowering.
So for anyone who braves the waters of jfo to help:
ATTABOY GIRL!

Kajem posted 1/6/2015 08:59 AM

Aaaawwwww JJ, you're making me .

There are days I can't do it, even this far out. As with most things, I try to do what I can to help. Sometimes all I can do is pray that someone else comes along for them. And its ok, someone does. SIer's are a wonderful bunch for support thru this quagmire.

Hugs,
K

Lola2kids posted 1/7/2015 13:50 PM

I wanted to post a question for the Tribe.

X has not been diagnosed as NPD but my IC says that from what she has been told of his behaviour it's likely that he is NPD.

He moved out 3 years ago and rarely saw his kids even though he lived only 5 minutes away. All focus was on OW.
He finally got the OW to leave and divorce her husband.
They became engaged about a month after her divorce was final.
He finally rectified their very LDR by moving overseas to be with her in 2014.
He now comes in the summer and at Christmas to see his kids. It seems that now that he bagged her he is focusing on the kids for ego kibbles again.

This Christmas he came here with fiancee in tow.
He spent about 3 days with them over a 2 week stay.
Part of the stay included a side trip to Las Vegas with the whore for New Year's.
When he came back he had a very prominent silver band on his left hand.
I asked him if he got married in Las Vegas and he said no, he's not married. It's an engagemnt ring. The kids confirmed that he had the ring before he left for Las Vegas. It was likely a Christmas present from the fiancee.

So, I ask you. As an NPD, how low do you have to go to wear an engagement ring from a woman?
I'm sure there are some men out there that have done it but it smacks highly of some kind of stamp or brand that she is putting on him that he is "taken".
I don't know her but I think that she is likely NPD as well and better at it than he is.
Is he just in the phase where he is hiding his true self under a really, really amiable mask?

I thought it was pathetic and it just makes me more glad that I rarely have to deal with him anymore.
Wow, they are more screwed up than I can ever wrap my head around.

jjct posted 1/7/2015 19:01 PM

I'm an authority. Therefore, I don't rely on the judgement of authorities. (please, just laugh your ass off)
You. You're an authority. You do not need to rely on the judgement...

iow, comon tribe! All together now!!
"YOU KNOW ENOUGH!"

Lola, the question you asked, with all its twirls and whirls, eventually gets answered in your mind by 'who gives a fuck?'

When that happens, well, by God!, You're an authority!

luv2swim posted 1/8/2015 01:13 AM

Lola2kids - I have to say as someone who WAS in a somewhat similar situation as it seems you are now, I resonate with memory of what you write.

That said, with the perspective of several years divorced from NPD beloved, I gently suggest that it may be in YOUR best interests to not care about the embedded and binding rings of his life -- as long as they are not threaded through your nose with ropes of control attached. You are no longer his "water buffalo" being yanked about with the NPD ring of goofiness, tasked with plowing the NPD rice paddy of craziness! Instead, you are free!

KWIM?

Consider the advantage of letting your X-NPD spouse have his life.
Rings or not.

Meanwhile, you can focus upon your own life now, free from the NPD craziness!

Just an idea for 2015.

[This message edited by luv2swim at 1:42 AM, January 12th (Monday)]

Lola2kids posted 1/8/2015 06:38 AM

Thanks for the responses.
That "don't give a fuck" is coming along nicely I think.

There is just this small hope in me that he is getting treated just as "shittily" as he treated me. Hopefully she is getting the shitty NPD treatment as well.
I want him to spread the shit around a little bit and hope that it wasn't dumped all on me.

Okay, that doesn't sound like I don't give a fuck.

That said, I am so glad he is not my problem anymore and that the kids are getting older and their relationship (or lack thereof) with their father can be their responsibility.

Not quite to that point yet.

ETA: wow, I typed shit and fuck a lot in that one. My appologies for the potty mouth.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 6:41 AM, January 8th (Thursday)]

Kajem posted 1/8/2015 11:43 AM

I don't know her but I think that she is likely NPD as well and better at it than he is.
Is he just in the phase where he is hiding his true self under a really, really amiable mask?

BTDT, XH is lower on the spectrum than OW/NW. He is also lower on the kibble trail, she gets fed first.

I had to learn to navigate that crap because my kids were stuck dealing with it. I want my kids emotionally healthy (well as much as I can help them). That required my learning about npd,stepfamilies, etc to help my kids navigate the npd minefield that was the second family. It required little interaction with XH and NW, and a lot of research on my part.

I only care what happens to him with regards in how it affects my kids.

Hugs,
K

Lola2kids posted 1/8/2015 11:55 AM

I only care what happens to him with regards in how it affects my kids.

Exactly, Kajem.
If he marries her, they get a stepmom.
If she is married to him she may have some say in manipulating him to stop paying CS.

I wouldn't put it past her.

Kajem posted 1/8/2015 12:17 PM

If she is married to him she may have some say in manipulating him to stop paying CS.

When he and I were negotiating the divorce (and he was living with her) I was in my angry phase. He approached me in anger threatening to tell the judge I was clinically depressed, and take custody of the kids. I was still in stealth mode (early days) and found a script for Viagra. Which was a revelation to me. My words to him went something like "I won't bring up your secret little pill in court. For $149, I'll put your pic,her pic,and your secret on the billboard near McDonald's. 140,000 cars a month pass by it. Your choice!" And I walked away as he cussed me (loudly) out. I meant it. He knew it.

My xh values his public standing above everything else in his life, money is right up there even with his public.

Ironically, his outburst that day cost him his place on the board of directors at that establishment. No cussing allowed on property. He was asked to resign, I was asked to fill in for the rest of his term. Add another reason to be pissed at me!

I'll live with him being angry at me.

Hugs,
K

Lola2kids posted 1/8/2015 12:53 PM

Oh, Kajem.
That is just too perfect.
I wish you had taken out that billboard.
You know that you really, really wanted to.

honesttoafault posted 1/8/2015 22:27 PM

That said, with the perspective of several years divorced from NPD beloved, I gently suggest that it may be in YOUR best interests to not care about the embedded and binding rings of his life -- as long as they are not threaded through your nose with ropes of control attached. You are no longer his "water buffalo" being yanked about with the NPD ring of goofiness, tasked with plowing the NPD rice paddy of craziness! Instead, you are free!

Luv2swim: I love that!!! Beautiful!

Kajem posted 1/9/2015 08:46 AM

Lola,

The thing is - NOW I wouldn't do it. I'm not the vindictive bitch he makes me out to be. Some days I wish I was, but I worry about how much vindictiveness will cost me. So I threaten and fight with the goal of fair. I'll fight, sometimes I've had to fight dirty to get a fair outcome. And I've told him what I would do, and I've done it. Much to his surprise. That day I was angry enough had I run into my friend (owns the sign company and offered his billboard) I would have said go for it! And without a twitch or question in my decision. LOL. I was that angry.

The other advantage to not acting on my threats, it keeps him wondering if I will do it and when. There is something to be said for the unexpected arrival of karma.
Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 8:51 AM, January 9th (Friday)]

GreatRoleModel posted 1/9/2015 13:19 PM

I only care what happens to him with regards in how it affects my kids.

Exactly K....

This is how I live my life now in regards to him which leaves room in my head for what I care about and living life happily.

Kajem posted 1/10/2015 00:26 AM

This is how I live my life now in regards to him which leaves room in my head for what I care about and living life happily.

GRM,

Exactly!

Hugs,
K

Brentwood posted 1/10/2015 01:34 AM

I just posted in General about my npd STBXH and trying to understand why he acts the way he does. It's maddening that he still has so much space in my head! This thread was just what I needed to read. Thank you.

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