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N P D Thread - Part 14

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Josey01 posted 11/19/2014 17:42 PM

How long am I gonna wait on his old behavior patterns to emerge? I have been sooo strict with nc. Blocked phone, not responded to one liner emails, nothing. I don't look at his social media, have warned friends and family to zip it with any updates back and forth. I've even told my sons to share NOTHING with me. So my question is this? When do you know that you are no longer the supply source......

Futurefear posted 11/23/2014 23:38 PM

He's losing control even more!!
Tonight I took the kids to the final DivorceCares meeting. It was surviving the holidays and we had a thanksgiving meal. It was scheduled from 4-6 however everything started late. I had offered to let the kids stay home with him but 'he needed to sleep'
The kids made ornaments there and he will not allow them on the tree.
He is such an asshole.
I can't stand it and his selfish entitled attitude.

Kajem posted 11/24/2014 16:47 PM

Josey,

My xh knew how to get kibble without contact. He trained me well. Shen he went NC, I was the one contacting him!

Once I reprogrammed my training, he found other ways. Like ruining a weekend away by upsetting my kids, so they'd be reaching out to me by calling all.the.time!

He does things so that he thinks I'm thinking of him. Nowadays I let him keep his illusions. The kids help with that.

Him not contact in me feels like the silent treatment, I always caved when that was his behavior, he counted on it. Even if I never contacted him, I'm willing to bet the thought of me sitting on my hands trying NOT to contact him was feeding his ego.

I only feed my cat these days. He can imagine all he likes. That's like eating your arm, your belly is full, but you're not whole anymore.

I'm feeding him his arm, and he's thinking its kibble.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 11/24/2014 17:17 PM

Futurefear,

Hang the ornaments someplace else. FTG!

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 12/1/2014 17:38 PM

Hoping the Tribe had a NPD drama free week.

Y'all are counted twice when I count my blessings.

Hugs,
K

GotPlayed posted 12/4/2014 13:44 PM

Out of curiosity, I filled the NPD inventory test (just to get the "maybe it was me" off the back of my head).

Scored a 5. The typical celebrity or big business CEO scores an 18, and a clinical narcissist scores over 20.

The sub-sections had "Authority 2", "Self-reliance 3" (second boss in a small company, I guess you need that).

All the other subsections were zero.

So I guess that's a good thing?

So now all I need is to stick to and learn to state and enforce my boundaries, make sure they're not violated by NPDish people.

And that's the hard part.

Futurefear, I too had a final DC meeting. We did a potluck. DD9 came in from the 4Kids room to participate in the gift exchange (all the DC ladies fawned over her, making me a proud papa) and she got an ornament to pick, she picked a train one for her brother who likes trains. It was very sweet.

I felt lucky I set up the tree while they were out with stbx for Thanksgiving holiday. She had a tree to put her ornament in when she got home, show it to DS10.

She called it the best day of her life.

NPDSTBX can find herself another doormat. I will work on myself for my children, and choose to have a wonderful life in spite of what happened.

Josey01 posted 12/5/2014 17:50 PM

So about a week or so I proposed a question to you guys . It was about how long I had to wait for xhusband to retreat to his old behavior, or was I in the clear. It's been two months since I moved out and I have had strict NC. So last night he sends a bag of OLD mail via my kids. Inside was a picture of me, caption on back said" great times". Note on the front of envelope said " I HEAR you". Then the letter inside told me to go listen to some song and to ask him for anything I might need and that he worries about me bunches :) :(. Literally both of those happy and sad faces. Wtf!!!! What to do??? He just wants to mess with my mind!!!

Kajem posted 12/5/2014 19:33 PM

What would you like to do?

I used the "if there's no question, no need to answer." Even if there was a question, if it wasn't about kids or finances, I wouldn't answer.

Hugs,

K

Kajem posted 12/6/2014 06:19 AM

Josey,

Him sending the notes and mail is a way to mess with you. You KNOW this.

All you have to do - is take no action on it. That will keep you NC. if I were you, I'd be sitting on my hands right about now, struggling NOT to contact him. It's ok. There are days my kid says something and I still want to give him a piece of my mind- that's both XH (11 years divorced) and XSO ( 2 1/2 years).

I looked at NC, much like wound care. I came out of my marriage severely wounded emotionally. I needed time to heal. By continuing to deal with him, I was just wounding myself over and over again. I knew in my head what I needed to do, but it was hard.

If you have a chance look up peptide addiction. That's where the struggle comes in. Every cell in your body is straining to get that peptide rush. Your head knows that once that rush is over they'll be pain. Your head is being the voice of reason, your body just wants the peptides...

It sucks!!! Hopefully with some understanding comes strength in your process to give yourself time and space.

I hope this helps.

Hugs,
K

Josey01 posted 12/6/2014 08:42 AM

Sitting on hands!!! I've not responded, but it's so hard. I've not even looked up the song he wanted me to hear.....

jjct posted 12/6/2014 09:25 AM

Josey, a lot of advice I give on here is to get into yourself...you know, find and touch your core that's been lost in the *service* of some "other" (your/my abuser),
but I think sometimes, it's ok too - to get out of yourself, as in: go and get involved in an activity:
a pleasant one, a creative one, a productive one,

just to, you know, get away from it all for a bit (I chose chess).
Be refreshed (((Josey)))

K - great stuff on the peptide addiction! Thanks for the refresher!

Kajem posted 12/6/2014 09:34 AM

Josey,

On November 19, you predicted he would contact you.

You've got the strength to do this... Just walk away. Jj's right go do something. Anything that keeps you away from the temptation of the keyboard.

Got an intricate holiday recipe you want to try? Shopping, wrapping, coffee with friends? A long soak in the tub.... No electronics near the tub!

I used to window shop and give him a piece of my mind while doing it..... I even wrote him letters and NEVER SENT THEM.

All are ways to HELP YOU stay NC.

Hugs,
K

cantaccept posted 12/6/2014 09:47 AM

Josey,

The NC feels like a battle. I still have to fight it. When he slips through the walls I have to fight the urge to "set him straight", tell him the "truth". I had to just accept that it is not going to happen.

Contact with a "disordered" always makes you feel worse. You will never get the comfort you crave from them. Or worse you will get fake comfort and then have it taken away, twisted. That leaves you emptier than when you started.

JJ and Kajem are so right. Do something that removes you from the immediate thoughts.

I started playing music again. It was a part of me that I lost. When I play now it takes me away from the reality of this. In a healthy way, no drugs and no side effects except for residual good feelings, a release.

Is there something that you used to love to do? Starting was the hardest for me. I couldn't even remember that I had ever felt good about anything. Did you ever run? paint? write? cook?

Anything that makes you feel good about you.

Keep strong. You are fighting off a toxic habit.

The side effects of that habit crush your soul. You are stronger than the habit. Believe in yourself. See your truth.

Josey01 posted 12/6/2014 11:56 AM

I'm working constantly. All day. I'm very busy. This site and you guys save my mind. Thank you all.

Futurefear posted 12/6/2014 14:35 PM

Rough NPD week...
Started Wednesday before Thanksgiving. He went apeshit crazy because I was leaving with the kids to go to my parents house the night before Thanksgiving. Something I have never done before so why now. He has always worked our local turkey trot so we were usually here but because I changed the rules w/o informing him, it was ugly.
The name calling-skinny curly haired c--t, fing bitch, I'm glad you are so broken, I hope I can break you completely. You are taking my kids from me...never mind he was off the previous night and choose to be with the dirty whore. He threw a full coffee cup near me, chipping the floor. My kids were in the car terrified. I left. I should have called 911 but I did not-there are circumstances. He then called me sobbing why did I do this, why did I file, why am I taking his kids, they are all that matter to him, nothing else. I turned my phone off so he could not contact me anymore.
He spent Thanksgiving w dirty whore. DD 8 had a meltdown due to things not feeling right, daddy not being there. He did call and speak to her for 2 minutes on Thanksgiving.
He had threatened to destroy the house if I contacted dirty whore or her parents so traveling back Thursday night, DD 8 was anxiety ridden.
He was home Friday morning to watch kids while I worked and then was promptly gone again by 3p.
He has since continued the blame game. This is all my fault, I am to stop spreading rumors about him and her at his work place (they work together, always are together and she made them FB official...it's not me). I am to give up the fight, move on, be more of a slut because that's my problem. On a side note, he left his receipt from an online sex toy company lying around...shipped to the house and everything
And I am to refinance the house, stop listening to my attorney and just start the process because he is tired of my dragging my feet!
So 12/16 we are having an informal settlement conference. He has already said that if DW is brought up he is walking out and if he doesn't get what he wants he is walking out. God help me.
He has been gone for 3 days Christmas shopping for the kids with her. Major trigger. That was our thing plus he had to call and talk to the kids tells not them what cool gifts he got them. He is supposed to be taking the kids to his companies family Christmas party tonight and I'm afraid that dirty whore is going to be there meeting my kids for the first time. Lots of anxiety. I can't do this...

Kajem posted 12/6/2014 16:54 PM

Sweetie,

Take yourself out of your house away from the drama, so you can relax a teeny tiny bit.

Unfortunately you can't control him. If you could, he wouldn't be having an affair.

If they are around her.... Then name her in your hearing... Let him walk out. The system will see just how much he is willing to work on a settlement.

Hugs,
K

Futurefear posted 12/7/2014 10:09 AM

The dirty whore did not go to his party Thank God. He talked to me things last night, he's sad about how we have turned out but he's just finishing what I started by filing for divorce. I clarified that I filed because he has a girlfriend that he never stopped seeing through false R.
Said he loves me and is sad about our missed potential of what we had. I told him no more lies. Time to start telling the truth.
He actually slept in the house last night-I heard his phone buzzing off and on...not sure why he stayed here.
Still placed blame on me about our lack of sex life (?), my lack of adventure in bed (?), my breastfeeding and granny panties and my not making him feel loved and cherished.
Sadly he's right however I've learned through therapy that I cherish things like helping, he obviously cherished things, objects.
Not sure why he even talks to me about this. He chose this life. The dirty whore loves to talk about her man and their future. He's hitched himself to a downgrade.
Ugh.
Wish I could stop caring...I don't know what's wrong with me.

lknup posted 12/7/2014 15:04 PM

I think this is my first post here but should have been posting here a while. I have been divorced a month and Ex has made my life a living hell since. He only obeys the portions of the parenting agreement he wants and disregards the rest. I anticipated this, but it has been so much worse than I thought. My poor kids....

Kajem posted 12/8/2014 20:16 PM

He actually slept in the house last night-I heard his phone buzzing off and on...not sure why he stayed here.
Still placed blame on me about our lack of sex life (?), my lack of adventure in bed (?), my breastfeeding and granny panties and my not making him feel loved and cherished.
Sadly he's right however I've learned through therapy that I cherish things like helping, he obviously cherished things, objects.

He stayed because he could. His phone buzzing was dirty whore calling to make sure he wasn't with you.

FF, you've got very young kids. It's hard to be mom to 3 younguns AND everything a narc husband needs. It's either the kids or his ego. He's an adult, he SHOULD be able to handle delaying his gratitude a bit.

We could all have been better spouses, so could the people we married. If my h had told me to take a night off, get in a hot bath, go to bed early. He would take care of cleaning up dinner, get the kids ready for bed, etc. I would have been clean, in bed in my sexiest nighty waiting for him. I'm willing to bet you would have done tbd same. He could have given you help.... Instead he just demanded your attention. Depleting you.

Sweetie, its ok to mourn the end of the marriage. That takes time.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 12/8/2014 20:24 PM

lknup,

I understand. Getting divorced was easy compared to dealing with them post divorce.

They have gotten progressively worse, till 2 years ago. NW is still a PITA, but we have no reason to keep in touch. All my kids are over 18, and our finances are finished until he retires.

Thank God,

Sending strength, they do their best to make life miserable for us. I'm sorry you have a npd xh. It sucks.

Sending you strength. Keep coming here, we'll be happy to give you some solidarity in dealing with npd.

Hugs,
K

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