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N P D Thread - Part 14

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jjct posted 10/20/2014 19:12 PM

Fear. Any fear will do for this, but fear of loneliness keeps us chained to shackles we'd best put off soonest. The basis of the fear is that we're 'other-directed'.
To become self-directed is a process, yet I have found it a worthy process, one, because I am free from others directives and dictates, from others expectations and the unknown future that appears when I imagine pushing forth alone anyway, and two
because I learned I was never alone as long as I had me.

When I found that (and SI as a forum to say these types of things) my world blossomed.
It truly is beautiful out there, even amongst noisy things, when I began to finally talk and listen to myself.

southsidecali posted 10/20/2014 19:56 PM

You cannot coparent, parallel parenting is your aim. Eliminate all contact and resort to online calendaring like my familywizard.

I am in the process of doing that, we were coparenting until he found new npd supply and erupted into ww3.

Good resource to understand them Sam vaknin has a site that explains a lot.

Kajem posted 10/20/2014 20:03 PM

Please remember that Sam Vankin is a narc. I was reading him 10+years ago and he didn't reveal he was a narc.

I call it reparenting, my xh didn't parent. He wanted friends, my kids fell into that role for him. You get continuous supply I'd you never say no. Especially to a teenager. You also become the cool parent to the kids friends.

My kids needed a parent, he wouldn't step up to the plate.I reparented my kids. I had to.


woundedby2 posted 10/21/2014 02:31 AM

Adding to the co-parenting advice:

I agree that there is no such thing as co-parenting with an NPD.

Try to get your kids into counseling. They probably need someone to talk to.

Also, to protect yourself from further NPD abuse and manipulation, keep in mind that much of what is happening or discussed in your home is relayed to the NPD by your kids. Over the years I have discovered that my life is a regular source of conversation at NPD and OW's home. Keep any legal strategies or sensitive information away from little ears and eyes.

PrtyInPink posted 10/22/2014 11:03 AM

I want to be done. I think I have finally made that decision. I think I have been lying to myself that I want things to work. Maybe because I'm afraid of telling my H the truth, maybe in fear of how he'd react. I'm not sure if you all read my post in General "Houston We Have a Problem". I made a comment about how I told my H that I was worried about him talking to someone on his hour and a half drive back from the place he's been working at for the past few weeks. His response was that isn't his problem. He wont take responsibility for how his actions have affected me. I sat there looking at him thinking "wow you really just have no clue". And it was one more reminder to myself that I want and need to be done. But I'm SO afraid. I'm so terrified to take that step.

Kajem posted 10/23/2014 14:13 PM

He wont take responsibility for how his actions have affected me. I sat there looking at him thinking "wow you really just have no clue". And it was one more reminder to myself that I want and need to be done.

I don't know if its a reminder to be done. It IS a reminder that you AND your healing are not something he is serious about or even cares about.

YOU MATTER,PIP, you SHOULD matter to your husband ALOT!!!!!


sadone29 posted 10/24/2014 08:31 AM

I was watching Sam Vaknin too for a while. I tried to take his words with a grain of salt, since he is a narc. He's lapping up all the attention he's getting.

I recently ran across Diana Iannarone on youtube. She's fantastic!


One specifically about narcs and sociopaths:

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:33 AM, October 24th (Friday)]

Kajem posted 10/26/2014 19:45 PM

Holiday season is rough. Would you like some SI love sent your way? Consider joining the SI Christmas Card exchange.

Info in fun and games forum.

This will my third year participating. I save all the glitter into a plastic ornament. It reminds me of all the love and support contained on this site.

Time is running out to sign up..... So hurry.


Futurefear posted 10/27/2014 21:52 PM

So I need some SI love and support.
WH took the kids yesterday to my SIL for a family birthday party. I was left behind and it was tough!!
He texted me the entire way about how sad he was and how much he missed me, missed his family and sad that we are here!! WHAT????? Then once the kids were home I heard about how much he loved me, will always love me, how lost he is and how he is going to be calling a psychologist that he heard about. I will be honest, my glimmer of hope flared into a huge flame.
Today I was nothing. I filed. I was even told as I had tears running down my face that I am the worst wife. I always put him last so he has found someone who has put him first-he is always first with her and he needed more sex and more positive affirmations!!! WHAT???
I also was told that he will probably be f'ing the dirty whore on our anniversary to celebrate new beginnings.
I am crushed all over again.
I will never know the answer to that because it can't be all my fault.

Kajem posted 10/28/2014 10:12 AM


It isn't your fault. He's drawing you in with nice words, if you don't fall immediately under his spell - he cuts you with a knife.

I think jj calls it death by a 1000 cuts.

It's why we advocate for no contact. It really does lessen the pain we allow them to inflict on us. By allowing them go get close to us, they get on some nasty hurtful statements.


You are not the reason for his affair. He is! An affair is many, many choices to put his marriage vows aside. Cheating is a decision. If she pursued him, at some point he made a decision to say yes. If he pursued her, he made the decision to say yes to the AP. NOWHERE in that decision making process he was thinking of futurefear. He was thinkin of himself and the AP. if you don't believe me read some of the veteran waywards. They've done the work to get real honest with themselves.



Kajem posted 10/30/2014 17:13 PM

Commercial Break

The Christmas Card Exchange sign up ends tomorrow.

I promise to add extra love (umm glitter) to those dealing with NPD. 😊

You really do feel the love in your mailbox.


southsidecali posted 10/30/2014 23:57 PM

thank for the reminder, I meant to sign up last week but battery died and i just have forgotten.


jjct posted 10/31/2014 06:07 AM

It wasn't me Kajem - that was some Chinese guy that said that...
I said
Death by a thousand sluts

Futurefear - wtg on filing!

(I can't let this one pass without remark peeps!)

He said he was....what?


See there? There it is again!
I'm telling ya - there are many common denominators, but this is the one that appears constantly in our shared stories.
I'm convinced it's the main tool they use to pry our empathy from us - which they then use like an object...they wonder at it - since they have none. It's like a toy:
that they turn around and examine like some alien object fallen from the heavens.

Sadness. I think it's the closest *real emotion* they can seem to have, or manufacture - why? - because they are sad, deep inside.

That, and anger...rage...they corner the market on that one too. Again, easy to see why - they're sad there's nothing inside them, and get angry because they're constantly searching for something meaningful within themselves, and always end up with

- nothing -

Watch for the sadness (((Tribe)))
Swim the hell away from the bait!

Futurefear posted 10/31/2014 12:55 PM

I am seeing the sadness daily and then it quickly disappears to be replaced by indifference and anger all directed towards me!
I am struggling with this!
Why and How are 2 of the biggest questions I have.

What makes her think she is so special to ruin a marriage, a family and destroy all that was good?

Was I really that bad or am I seeing him rewrite marital history to justify his actions?

He is a selfish man and I am learning to hate.

I didn't want to do this alone. Period. He knows that and blows up my phone via text message 24/7, especially when I have had the kids and done something with them that he didn't like or we used to do as a family....



Kajem posted 10/31/2014 16:01 PM

Jj, I have the perfect response when my xh announced he was sad, "So sorry you feel that way". Or a quick, "yup, it sucks."

Him : I'm sad you wont let me have the kids (on my parenting time).

Me: Yup it sucks.

Him. I'm sad that DD2 won't let DGD know me.

Me: Sorry you feel that way.

It's worked for me. I gave him hollow ego kibbles. All looks and no substance....I don't think it ever occured to him he didn't get any kibble. I'm ok with that, he was looking for a fight. Instead he got hollow kibble.

Ff, they do rewrite every part of their life to suit their agenda. My therapist gave me a card with 4 simple words on it. KAJEM KNOWS THE TRUTH! I was to look at it everytime he started rewriting my truth, I did religiously. He now believes his lies, I know the truth.



Kajem posted 10/31/2014 16:14 PM

Futurefear knows the truth!!!!!

woundedby2 posted 10/31/2014 17:46 PM

Happy Halloween, Tribe!

I just had a phone conversation with His Idiocy regarding my DD's 16th Bday which is happening in a week and a half. It's so interesting to hear him talking now that I can look right into what he's saying and know his ulterior motives and manipulative tactics. I didn't let him rile me. I didn't bite on any of his bullshit tactics to draw me into an argument. I feel pretty proud of myself. He's such a lying douchebag...

Here's a little something I found on my Facebook feed just now. I think you can appreciate it:

jjct posted 10/31/2014 18:10 PM

Sorry you feel that way...I used that before SI...it's an excellent response, but she still screamed at me unceasingly, let's say, when I was going to bed to get sleep...she wanted "reassurance" of my undying devotion, & I (typically) wasn't showing enough. (Yeah, I know, there never is enough) This, while she was carrying on her A unbeknownst to me.
Nice, huh?
(I admit, maybe I overused it a bit - not trying to hide the hollow kibble part, and making sure she got the dig - it was before I discovered the A, and before I wised up and realized I had to conceal everything, before I learned to "pretend" engagement and interest & self-protect...)

The trick is to make it sound serious enough - that you mean it, without letting them know you're on to them.
In the end, I had to hide my laughter...for Futurefear, I'd say the same thing @ hate. Hide it. Even the most negative thing you could ever put out there is still "fodder" for them - it won't gain you anything but more tangled-up with them...
NC - it's what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! If you can't go full-on NC, best thing is to slowly, un-noticably, trickle out of their orbit, so by the time they realize you're missing, they'll never know when you actually went!

w2 - good card! - Even better keeping your cool! You should be proud of yourself!
High Five to ya!

Kajem posted 11/2/2014 13:32 PM

Fist Bump wb2!!!!!!

I've never called x a narc, I've called him a lot of other things Never to his face. Somehow that never happened.

GreatRoleModel posted 11/2/2014 19:40 PM

Way to go wb2 and I find it ironic as I was about to post about the same issue. I was mulling things over in my head the other day while driving and knowing that he is never going to change I kind of laughed. I don't want him to change now bc I have cracked the narc code and it is a known entity now and like you, can see through all his shit now. If he actually "changed" I wouldn't know what to do and most likely would never trust the "change" even it were for real. Also the kids are starting to understand the narc game to and now approach him actually with more confidence in a strange way. They also do not get disappointed anymore by him which is sad but he made that bed.

Wishing the Tribe all the best as we enter the holiday season.

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