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N P D Thread - Part 14

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southsidecali posted 10/14/2014 14:58 PM

Hello tribe,

this is long and having such a bad day today. Feeling the effects of my DS trying to battle his dad for some sort of control in their relationship.

DS is refusing to visit until EXNPD acknowledges his Bday(oct3) and says he isn't going to until he gets him a present.

He emailed him last friday telling him that he didn't email his visitation plans therefore they(kids) made alternate plans. EX has not responded to email.

In past usually when he went silent and totally abandoned kids I would step in and try to fix things but either going off on him or making/telling what to do, I am fighting the urge.

We have had some turbulent last few weeks with courts and CPS visits, and even the police. He filed 2 motions in which he wants 50-50 custody and no child support. We switch every other week with kids- because the gf and him have the "means and determination" to provide for kids the same way I do, factoring in of course he doesn't pay child support. Because I have been mismanaging- "What" I don't know what I have mismanaged but OK.

He filed a police report for assault charges, claiming I verbally assaulted and spit on him, after I was escorted off the school property for going off on his older son. YEAH, OK his reality- stick to that buddy.

He has cut off all contact with kids, no calls or emails, nothing.

I am waiting on CPS write up for court, he and gf of course presented such a pretty picture full of lies, they claimed they were given a restraining order against me- it was valid.. reality check- it got dismissed, I showed her the evidence of their claims of Domestic violence. The gf techincally has 50-50 custody of her son but did what was best for him and the mother in law & sister are raising him because he has so many behavioral-psych issues.

Since he was recording video/audio any interactions between us, he showed her a video when i went off on him. I showed her the email/text trail prior to that incident and told her that yes i overreacted and didn't handle it well. I recognized that he was manipulating and staging things to get me to react and I had to implement stronger boundaries, to which he retaliated by contacting child support and saying i didn't have custody of kids to stop child support payments.

They told CPS worker that they were considering in future filing for custody once they have their place set up, I showed her him filing in Sept for custody and his threats of declaring WAR on me. I showed her the emails between him & our ds regarding visitation. HE told CPS worker that I was at fault, typical parental alienation claim. She read our son asking for the plans prior to visit and the lack of phone calls or emails from the EX and him ignoring all his wishes BUT only respecting his wishes when it came to not visiting him because he intended on blaming me.

I think and hope CPS was able to see and recognized the situation and once report comes out we can request for supervised visitation.

He had filed for contempt of court against me because i denied him visitation, we had hearing set for 17, he dismissed it this past week.

He didn't file for a restraining order YET, but I know he is working on something.

I was talking to a semi-mutual friend(more mine than his) and telling her what was going on and she told me that his car is not working. She is moving and she asked him for help(granted he didn't help me -hahaha but because he is such a good guy he was going to help her) I told her he doesn't need his car to pick up phone to text or email DS, plus he has his fiancee- she has a car- we will see what happens for visitation this weekend.

My friend agreed that he is a douche but she needs help moving plus she was going to see and ask him what the hell was going on and in a way talk to him about the damage he is causing the kids.

She has always advocated for the kids and has maintained strong boundaries with him and is a good advocate for my kids. She was going to try and find out why they don't have a single piece of furniture. They moved in july but have nothing, not even a couch or bed. He had stuff at his old apt, and what about her or any of her stuff?

Just sucks that here I thought I was done and hoped he would go away quietly, I was so wrong.

At times I feel like this is my dang cross to bear and quick fix for the kids because if I allow him around me he will gladly come back. I just can't even allow that to happen but hate the hurt my kids go through.

I wish he would go away so my kids can heal but he is too damn selfish to do that- because he doesn't even care the damage he causes them just to get at me.

futurehoper posted 10/17/2014 21:50 PM

Hello all. I am new to this thread. Can someone become narcissistic? My stbxh was always the kind, compassionate, helpful person. Now, he is completely self centered and unable to express the slightest empathy towards me. He even makes the kids feel guilty and tries to evoke their sympathy for him. I don't understand the complete change in him.

Kajem posted 10/17/2014 22:17 PM

My stbxh was always the kind, compassionate, helpful person. Now, he is completely self centered and unable to express the slightest empathy towards me. He even makes the kids feel guilty and tries to evoke their sympathy for him.

You've just described my xh. I'll answer yes. Narcissism is like the wizard in the wizard of oz. He fooled so many people till someone peeked behind the curtain and exposed him.

Once my xh was exposed, his true colors emerged.

You have to decide whether his behavior is new or just well hidden thru manipulation tactics. In hindsight my xh is very good at manipulation. It took me a while to get to that point.

Hugs,
K

futurehoper posted 10/17/2014 23:07 PM

Kajem, thank you. I have been trying to believe that my husband was that good person for the 25 years that we were together, and that he is dead. The person I see now is just a facade. I cannot accept that I spent so much of my life, and sacrificed so much for a bad person. It just hurts to much to think that. It is unreal how each interaction with him just becomes nastier and nastier on his end. And all about him, and why I caused him to cheat and how I am still not listening to him and fixing things. It's just crazy. I have been doing a good job at NC, but today was antiversary day number 1, and I just couldn't help prodding a bit.

Kajem posted 10/18/2014 09:02 AM

FH,

More thoughts. NPD is a spectrum disorder. That means you can have people a little bit affected (selfish) to the other end psychopathic murderer who thinks nothing of killing someone.

NPD are masters a disquises. After reading on NPD forums, I came to the understanding that my xh is a covert narc. He mirrors emotions he can't feel. I was his emotional thermometer, if I cried, he had tears in his eyes. If I was happy, so was he. The ONLY emotion he showed freely was anger.

It took looking at my marriage under a microscope to see it. Doing that (for so long) slowed/halted my healing. It's ok to look back, just don't forget to look ahead.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 10/18/2014 09:08 AM

We get the need to break NC. Around here its called poking the bear, it really is like poking the bear. It gets you the same reaction.

(((((((futurehoper))))))

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:11 AM, October 18th (Saturday)]

Futurefear posted 10/18/2014 12:25 PM

Ugh.
I'm still hearing what I failed at during our marriage...Tuesday it was that I never put him first, I never answered the phone when he called, I chose career, friends, kids over him all the time.
No matter what I said, he didn't listen.
He has pictures of the 2 of them on all their trips plus porno pics he took and she sent to him 😁
After seeing those, I never stood a chance...
Tonight is a chili cook off that a co-worker of his puts on every year. He's taken the night off to go with the dirty whore. I'm so sad. That was my spot. She wanted my place so she took it and he gave it to her, just like that.
Rough, rough day.
I hope when he's gone, life becomes easier.

phmh posted 10/18/2014 14:04 PM

No matter what I said, he didn't listen.

(((futurefear)))

I have posted this before -- not sure if I have in the NPD thread -- but you need to remember to never JADE with a personality-disordered person. I copied this from a forum I used to frequent for people with terrible in-laws (mine were personality-disordered, just like my WXH is!)

To JADE is to Justify, Argue (and/or Apologize), Defend, and Explain. You never, ever, EVER want to JADE. JADEing is self-defeating behavior, because it allows the toxic individuals in your life an "in" to beating you into submission. To JADE is to hand over your power to someone else.

By "justifying" your decisions, you hand over your power by giving the other party the right to judge you. Nobody has the right to judge you for your needs.

By "arguing" with the other party, you hand over your power by making their desire to argue with you legitimate. Your needs aren't going to change no matter how much someone argues with you about them.

By "apologizing" to the other party, you hand over your power by admitting you're doing something wrong. You have every right to protect yourself and make sure your own needs are met.

By "defending" your position, you hand over your power by making the other party an authority figure. You're an adult, and fully capable of deciding what you do with your life. Nobody else has a right to tell you how to live.

By "explaining" the reasons for your boundaries, you hand over your power by giving the other party a chance to nullify your own experience. Your experience is your own. It is precious. Nobody else can know whether it's true or not.

I know it can be really really hard to learn new responses to situations, especially situations people have spent years grooming you to react to in specific ways. Fortunately, the script for avoiding a JADE moment is both brief and adaptable. It's something Nancy Regan taught us decades ago: JUST SAY NO!

"No, that won't work for me."
"No, I can't do that."
"No, thank you."

"No" is a complete sentence.

And when the "but whyyyyyyyyy?"s start, break all the grammatical rules with another one-word answer: "Because."

"Because that won't work for me."
"Because I can't do that."
"Because I said no."

The third and final step is the really brilliant one. Change the subject.

"No, I told you I won't be doing that. So how's the weather been where you are? Are the azaleas blooming yet?"

Now, there is a difference between JADEing to toxic people who don't have your best interests at heart, and exploring your own reasoning and reactions with people who are trying to help. You have to learn where that line is for yourself, from situation to situation. It takes practice--and that's okay. If you keep at it, it will become second nature, and you'll find your life is a great deal simpler.

You cannot argue or reason with an NPD. They are not like other people. Work on detachment and just not caring. Every time you engage, you give him ego kibbles and something to laugh about. You can do this!

Futurefear posted 10/18/2014 16:01 PM

Thanks. JADE it is. This is so hard for me because we are still in the same house and at times he acts like everything is normal-chit chat and all.
Does this get easier?
Will I be ok?
Will my kids be ok?
Today I'm just struggling with overwhelming loneliness.
He used to be my best friend. I have been traded in for a younger cheaper model.

futurehoper posted 10/18/2014 17:55 PM

Thank you for posting the JADE info. I have never seen that. It is incredibly helpful. Less and less, I find myself trying to tug at his heartstrings and coax him into doing the right thing, and each time, he gets meaner and nastier. The JADE info is so spot on- I am going to post it in a spot where I can read it over and over. THANK YOU!!!

phmh posted 10/18/2014 18:38 PM

JADE has saved me on many, many occasions over the years. I'm glad that you've found it helpful as well, futurehoper!

Does this get easier?
Will I be ok?
Will my kids be ok?

It gets exponentially easier (though still difficult) once he's out of the house and you can go more NC. Having him there really delays the healing. I had to do in house separation for a bit, and it is hell on earth. Are there plans in place to get separate living arrangements? When that happened for me is when my healing really took off.

You will be OK. In fact, you will be better than OK. But it takes time, so don't be hard on yourself when it takes longer than you'd like. You've been abused and chumped by a parasite -- the one person who should love you more than any other in the world. Keep working on you. I have some resources that helped me if you want specifics, but you need to figure out what works for you.

Your kids will be OK. While having two good, functional parents is ideal, they really only need one good, functional parent. While you're stuck in a relationship with an NPD, it's hard to be good and functional. They will be changed by this experience, but they will be OK. Have you sought out any counseling for them? Can definitely help anyone who's had much close contact with any personality-disordered person.

I truly believe that it is possible to completely recover from being with an NPD. It doesn't happen overnight, and it takes work. Your needs had been downplayed for so long that you need to rediscover who you are as a person. Take a long time before dating again (my personal opinion is at least a year after divorce, if not longer, when you've divorced an NPD) because you really don't want to wind up with another partner who is as bad as or even worse than the one you just left. Find things that you enjoy. Learn new skills or perfect old ones. Life is meant to be lived, but NPD parasites suck the soul out of those of us unfortunate enough to have fallen in love with one.

futurehoper posted 10/18/2014 21:39 PM

Kajem and phmh, I sincerely appreciate your wisdom and support.

My stbxh has been out of the house for 11 months now. I filed for divorce about 6 months ago, because I was worried he would do something with our assets and there are no legal separations in our state. Once I saw things were not getting anywhere, I repeatedly asked him to get a lawyer. He finally did about a month ago.

I know we are done, and I know it is for the best, but the lonliness kills. And, I will have to deal with him for the next 14 months, because I am trying to stall the divorce until then. He is military, and once we are married 20 years (Dec of 2015), I am eligible for Tricare for life-a huge benefit.

Hugs to you all...

futurehoper posted 10/18/2014 21:39 PM

Kajem and phmh, I sincerely appreciate your wisdom and support.

My stbxh has been out of the house for 11 months now. I filed for divorce about 6 months ago, because I was worried he would do something with our assets and there are no legal separations in our state. Once I saw things were not getting anywhere, I repeatedly asked him to get a lawyer. He finally did about a month ago.

I know we are done, and I know it is for the best, but the lonliness kills. And, I will have to deal with him for the next 14 months, because I am trying to stall the divorce until then. He is military, and once we are married 20 years (Dec of 2015), I am eligible for Tricare for life-a huge benefit.

Hugs to you all...

PrtyInPink posted 10/20/2014 11:45 AM

Does anyone know if any good support forums for NPD? I love being on SI but I have decided to focus more on NPD and not just the infidelity itself...which in my eyes is just a little bump in the road compared to the entire relationship itself and the hell I've been going through.

(very off topic......why in the hell is Dr Phil's picture on the Relationship Rescue have makeup on it??)

Futurefear posted 10/20/2014 12:42 PM

phmh-
Thanks for the JADE and I'd be interested in your other resources. I really feel like I am floundering here. I am IC and it is helping but I don't know this man that is in my house and that is the adjustment.
He is not the man I married and he is so cruel. His words and actions cut so deeply. I cannot believe that he thinks it is ok to live in our house yet come and go, stay with her at her parents house and just forget we ever existed.
He will not be moving out any time soon. He has said that it is cheaper for him to stay with us/me than be on his own plus 'he wants to see who will admit me to the psych unit first-him or me'. Nice.
I am so tired of this all. I wish that I had found the sexting photos in Jan. so I knew that I didn't stand a chance, I would not have fought so hard for 3 months.
Did I fail? I sure feel like it.
ff

Kajem posted 10/20/2014 13:20 PM

My go to places for narc abuse

web of narcissism.com (no spaces) I lived there for support and understanding.

Melanie Tonia Evans' Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program on blog radio for dealing with the very strong emotions from npd abuse. Warning: It's a bit on the new age side. But for me its working, so I'm not questioning it. 😊

Brene Brown'site I think its called The Center for the Prevention of Relationship Harm or something like that.

Psychoath free and baggage reclaim are also good.

I hope they help. These are the ones that quickly come to mind.

Hugs,
K

Kajem posted 10/20/2014 13:26 PM

Dr Phil is decked out for Halloween. The webmaster MH likes the site to reflect the holidays. You should see this place for Christmas!! There's a huge ongoing debate in fun and games.

If you're open to it you can sign up for the Christmas card exchange there. It's anonymous. And a lot of fun. A wonderful way to feel loved during the holidays. Definitely a blessing in my life.

Hugs,
K

PrtyInPink posted 10/20/2014 14:47 PM

Wonderful. Thank you as always, Kajem!

lost2012 posted 10/20/2014 17:31 PM

Any advice out there about how to coparent with a narcissist? How to deal with the continued manipulation and his attempts to keep our children in the middle, even though it's been almost 2 years?

My ex recently tried to bring our oldest son to court. He asked for him to speak to the judge. It was a request for a custody hearing. The lawyers were only supposed to be there. My ex was yelled at by the judge. We are supposed to go to mediation first to resolve conflicts and it's been less than 2 years since D was final. So he deliberately attempted to circumvent the process.

I'm just really concerned about the kids. We share custody. When the kids are with him, he is manipulative and tries to take their side against me.

When we discuss issues, if my opinion differs, he threatens to take me back to court. For example, he switched my sons dermatologist without my okay. Then my son is out of his acne medicine. So I ask for name and number so I can call and get it refilled. He refuses. Says he's got it covered. It was a month that my son was out of medicine.

I could share stories like this forever, just like many of you can. I just want to find a solution so my kids aren't messed up.
I talked to them and they did not want to tell the judge anything. They love us both and like the current arrangement.

Kajem posted 10/20/2014 18:24 PM

I had a book Joint Custody with a Jerk. It helped me to figure out which battles I needed to get involved in, and when to stay away and let them figure it out.

Also look up Karpmann Drama Triangle, it helps to understand the persecute/victim/observer - I think those are the triangular names.

Others will be along with more info.

Hugs,
K

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